I never attempted to hide that 2016 was a very difficult year for me. It was hell. It was hard. So many bad things happened. I struggled with depression and anxiety. I was in the hospital multiple times for reoccurring difficulties. In short, 2016, from it's very first day, SUCKED.
I thought 2016 would be a fun year. I had a blast in 2015, and at the end we started TTC for our next baby. I figured we'd have our #3 to bring home before the end of the year, and I'd spend '16 happily pregnant and enjoying life.
Then New Year's came and shattered everything. I was miscarrying. I was also having an ectopic. I was becoming permanently infertile. I needed surgery. I wouldn't be having my baby this year or any other year. IVF was an option that sounded nice but was so far out of our ability that it's a tease.
But before I can start looking at 2017, I have to look at the other side of things. How much has changed in only one year's time!
At this time last year, I was looking at having 2-4 more kids. I was focused on how we'd decorate the nursery next and which middle name we'd give to our next child and the one after that. I was trying to navigate through homeschooling while taking pregnancy into account. I wanted to move down south, but didn't know how while still having kids and so much baby stuff to tote down.
Now it's almost 2017. Babies are a fantasy, not an expectation. I have three giant sales and now barely own any baby stuff. There's a few swings I have to put together and list for sale yet and one box of "just in case" baby things tucked away. We changed our bedroom and the nursery now that a crib wasn't going to reside in either place anymore. We changed our downstairs: the kids are big enough to play by themselves upstairs, so downstairs looks more like a real house instead of kid central.
But beyond that, so much happened that I didn't expect. I'm a business owner of 9 months. I'm about to file it as a legally recognized business, not just another Etsy store. I'm going to become an officially licensed vendor and attempt selling to real places locally like hospital gift shops. I made money this year that really helped us out and helped over a hundred people who are in a similar situation as me.
I became a writer again. Having babies forced me to take a 5 year hiatus. I didn't enjoy the time off, and getting to write again has been such a release. I'm tackling my publishing dreams that I've had for twenty years. I'm looking at publishers and agents and writing like crazy. I'm friends with people at my library and love visiting.
I also became part of my community. The library, the church, volunteer work. I've lived in this town since I was 11 and never felt part of it. This year, we became active in everything from holiday events to parades to volunteering.
It was a horrible year, but a year for change and not all of those changes were bad. Some were actually good and a long time coming. While 2017 still holds fears for me, I'm going into it optimistic again. I'm focusing on me and my current family, instead of always looking towards future maybes. I'm taking what I have and I'm running with it, taking it as far as I can. I'm making dreams come true.
2017 I'll be finding agents. Bill will have gone through enough school to get a new, good job. I'll be writing and attempting publishing and being a business woman going to business meetings at hospitals and anywhere else I can find. 2015 me won't even recognize 2017 me but maybe that won't be such a bad thing. It's different and it's not better, but it's okay.
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
December
Ended up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. Again. For the same problem - large rupturing cysts that cause horrible pain.
This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.
I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.
Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.
I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.
Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.
This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.
I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.
Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.
I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.
Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Hope for 2017
It seems like this year has been a series of constant anxiety attacks and living in fear. Just this last week, I was terrified because I had breathing problems, a tight chest, heartburn for days, exhaustion, and a two day period. I went to the doctor and was told it was most likely a viral infection that can show symptoms like mine. I went home convinced that it was something more, but luckily everything but the exhaustion (which could just be sick and anxiety caused) are fading.
It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.
It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.
Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.
I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.
I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.
It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.
It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.
Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.
I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.
I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Hope
I have a tiny hope.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
Monday, October 10, 2016
October musings
It's hard to believe it's already the middle of October. The last few months have just slipped away. The last ten months have been a jumble of confusion, of constant doors slamming and being completely unsure of each step in our path.
2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.
And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.
So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.
I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.
I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.
I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling. But I feel like I'm on the right track. I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.
Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.
2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.
And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.
So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.
I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.
I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.
I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling. But I feel like I'm on the right track. I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.
Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Into October
September was a crazy month. I was working on angel babies like crazy. It was a good month, I made over $100 more than my low goal amount was, but I had SO many angels to make. But my large order (of almost two dozen by itself!) went out yesterday, and at least 11 more were sent out already. Now I have to work on 8 more.
The business is making a difference in many ways. I love the letters, reviews and messages I get from parents telling me how perfect and comforting the babies are.
It's also helping financially. 50% of what I make goes into the charity and into the business. I don't get to see most of what comes in. But the other 50% is what is keeping us afloat.
I'm now the one that pays the bills for Katie's monthly ballet tuition, all of her dance clothing, her two recital fees, her costumes. I pay for all of their Christmas gifts and their birthday gifts and party. I pay for anything I personally need for business or writing. My small pleasures of Hulu and Netflix are paid by me. This is on top of saving up for my taxes that I have to pay, the large amounts of clay, shipping materials, and many other things that go into the business.
At the end of the day, I don't get to save any money. I'm still coasting by, but I'm not in any debt, which is great since it's only been a few months and my start up fee was a few hundred dollars. I repaid everything I needed to start up and then started paying bills. Without running this business, Katie wouldn't be able to continue ballet, we'd have no Christmas or birthday gifts and parties, we'd have no tv shows, including what we watch for school programs.
I'm so glad it's proving to be such a blessing, both for us and for those who are on the receiving end. I hope to continue growing the business, reaching more families, and for me to be able to take on more bills to lighten the load and make more dreams possible.
The business is making a difference in many ways. I love the letters, reviews and messages I get from parents telling me how perfect and comforting the babies are.
It's also helping financially. 50% of what I make goes into the charity and into the business. I don't get to see most of what comes in. But the other 50% is what is keeping us afloat.
I'm now the one that pays the bills for Katie's monthly ballet tuition, all of her dance clothing, her two recital fees, her costumes. I pay for all of their Christmas gifts and their birthday gifts and party. I pay for anything I personally need for business or writing. My small pleasures of Hulu and Netflix are paid by me. This is on top of saving up for my taxes that I have to pay, the large amounts of clay, shipping materials, and many other things that go into the business.
At the end of the day, I don't get to save any money. I'm still coasting by, but I'm not in any debt, which is great since it's only been a few months and my start up fee was a few hundred dollars. I repaid everything I needed to start up and then started paying bills. Without running this business, Katie wouldn't be able to continue ballet, we'd have no Christmas or birthday gifts and parties, we'd have no tv shows, including what we watch for school programs.
I'm so glad it's proving to be such a blessing, both for us and for those who are on the receiving end. I hope to continue growing the business, reaching more families, and for me to be able to take on more bills to lighten the load and make more dreams possible.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Due Date Pt 2
Today feels really weird. I'm going through the typical motions: decorate memorial spot, make cupcakes, light candles, etc. but I'm not responding like I expected I would. With Elizabeth, I cried for three days around her due date. It was so rough. I expected today would be at least that bad, possibly moreso with the fact that infertility and hopelessness seems built in to it.
I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.
Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.
This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.
All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.
I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.
Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.
This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.
All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.
Jesse and Jamie Due date
Today is the day I have dreaded since January 8th. Today was the due date with our twins, an inch or two was all the difference between two babies and none. From December 31st, we prayed that we'd get at least one healthy baby, but the ectopic baby had my hormone levels so insane and was messing up my progesterone, and I think it caused the baby in the right location to be lost as well.It's hard to face today, knowing that not only are our arms empty of two little newborns, but also missing all the future babies that we so welcomed and wanted.
This loss was so unique, to mourn such a sudden love and to lose it so quickly, and then to lose not only their future with us, but all the other children we've always dreamed of. It threw me into a few months of depression and anguish, and I still struggle with the grief and weight of it at times. Today is one of those days that makes the battle more difficult. Knowing that there is no rainbow baby on the horizon to help us heal like last time, it's even harder. This time we're facing the due date alone, still empty and heartbroken.
2016 has been so cruel to us, from the very first day. Not only have we lost our babies, but we've lost so much else. So many doors have closed, so many others remain locked. It's been like wandering a very long maze and every time we finally think we know the way out, it's another dead end. I pray that this year will finally cease it's endless disappointments and hardships and will finally start giving us blessings, no matter how small. I also pray that it becomes easier to come to terms with twin miscarriage and infertility, and the struggle may lessen in time. But for right now, I miss all three of our angels. Happy birthday, Jesse and Jamie, I hope your big sister Elizabeth can give you a hug for us.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Wake me up when September ends
It's September and things are still not looking up.
Bill is having a hard time figuring out what his next step is. We want him to go back to school to get him out of the factory work and start making good money, instead of money that's starting to not even cover our minimalist lifestyle. He was going to be an engineer, but the program he was banking on was filled and they aren't sure if it'll even be offered next year, so he can't wait for that. It also means permanently staying in the factory field (with that program, at least). Outside of that program, he has four years to put in of schooling, which is more than what we are looking for.
He decided to be an RN, and was excited to get back into the medical field. He belongs in the medical field, and would be in it now if it wasn't for us needing to start a family so early. However, we checked out five schools, none which work. They all want you to hold no other job for two years. The single one that says they'll allow it and also has second shift clinicals then said that he'd have to be at the clinical place by 3 PM and no later. That means he can't work first shift, since he finishes 45 minutes away at 3 exactly, and he can't work second shift, which starts at 1 PM. Clinicals are 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for 2 - 3 years. So it's looking like that won't work.
Now we're re-evaluating. We want a job that will pay $60,000 annually at least, has only 2-3 years education, and will work around a full time job while in school. I didn't think it would be this hard!
No more being an RN also means we lose that way to do IVF in two years, so it's an additional set back.
I'm praying that something comes up that's great for us, that tells us what we should be focusing on.
I'm also praying that my health stays well. I can't tell if I'm having gallbladder issues or ovary issues or perhaps just nasty muscle/ligment pains, but it's happened twice for days or weeks now. Last time it started mid-June and went until the end of July. This time it started a few days ago and is still here.
Statistically, you'd think that something has to start going right. With 9/10 things going badly this year, something has to start correcting the balance. This bad period needs to be the launching point into a wonderful period, right? Right?
Four days out from my twin due date. Definitely not looking forward to that. =/
Bill is having a hard time figuring out what his next step is. We want him to go back to school to get him out of the factory work and start making good money, instead of money that's starting to not even cover our minimalist lifestyle. He was going to be an engineer, but the program he was banking on was filled and they aren't sure if it'll even be offered next year, so he can't wait for that. It also means permanently staying in the factory field (with that program, at least). Outside of that program, he has four years to put in of schooling, which is more than what we are looking for.
He decided to be an RN, and was excited to get back into the medical field. He belongs in the medical field, and would be in it now if it wasn't for us needing to start a family so early. However, we checked out five schools, none which work. They all want you to hold no other job for two years. The single one that says they'll allow it and also has second shift clinicals then said that he'd have to be at the clinical place by 3 PM and no later. That means he can't work first shift, since he finishes 45 minutes away at 3 exactly, and he can't work second shift, which starts at 1 PM. Clinicals are 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for 2 - 3 years. So it's looking like that won't work.
Now we're re-evaluating. We want a job that will pay $60,000 annually at least, has only 2-3 years education, and will work around a full time job while in school. I didn't think it would be this hard!
No more being an RN also means we lose that way to do IVF in two years, so it's an additional set back.
I'm praying that something comes up that's great for us, that tells us what we should be focusing on.
I'm also praying that my health stays well. I can't tell if I'm having gallbladder issues or ovary issues or perhaps just nasty muscle/ligment pains, but it's happened twice for days or weeks now. Last time it started mid-June and went until the end of July. This time it started a few days ago and is still here.
Statistically, you'd think that something has to start going right. With 9/10 things going badly this year, something has to start correcting the balance. This bad period needs to be the launching point into a wonderful period, right? Right?
Four days out from my twin due date. Definitely not looking forward to that. =/
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Charity/Business updates
Despite the depressing last post, there is one small ray of light.
My business/charity is doing well. Very well, at the moment. June and July, I met my goal requirements, which was very exciting. August blew them out of the water and ended with five times my goal amount. Five times! I cried for two of the large orders that came in and have met multiple amazing women.
Of course, 9/10th of the money goes into the charity and building up the business. I don't really get to see much of it. But, last month did allow me to pay for Katie's three months of ballet lessons, which is good because the business is the only way I can afford to send her. I'm hoping this month meets goal again, since Christmas is right around the corner and that too needs to come from the sliver of business money I get to keep.
But it's hopeful. It's catching on. The word is spreading. I'm receiving letters about how much my angels have been helping in the coping process and grief. A little at a time, I'm making a difference in other people's lives, even when I seem incapable of fixing up our situation. That's something - that's something big.
August has given me hope that this might really take off and get big. Once Christmas is over, the money I get from the business is going to go towards getting an official business license and talking to our tax guy about exactly how this will work. Once both of those are done, I'm going to seek out hospital gift shops and start getting them to carry items for both healthy babies and the ones that don't make it. I want to make sure that parents who leave the hospitals empty handed, just like I have, will at least have a token of beautiful comfort, something to hold onto. People not in this situation may think that a little baby sculpture doesn't do anything, but I've experienced the power of filling my empty hands with something I can hold and how it really does help, even if only a little. A little is something to hold onto in that situation. It's something that gets you through that moment, that drive home, that hour, that time of tears.
September was to be my month to finally get my Storm Series finished. The trilogy would be complete. But instead, on September 1st, I have 26 angels to make who those in grief. That doesn't include any of the angels that will be ordered this month. So for now, I'll write while clay chills. I'll write while clay bakes. I'll write while clay cools down again. It'll cripple the speed of the process, but right now, my charity comes first. Writing makes me feel alive, but the charity makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected to a big network of supportive people. It makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself. And the business portion of it is letting us scrape by financially. I love writing, and I will continue to pursue publishing the first two books of the trilogy, but I may have to wait a month or two longer to finish the trilogy.
My business/charity is doing well. Very well, at the moment. June and July, I met my goal requirements, which was very exciting. August blew them out of the water and ended with five times my goal amount. Five times! I cried for two of the large orders that came in and have met multiple amazing women.
Of course, 9/10th of the money goes into the charity and building up the business. I don't really get to see much of it. But, last month did allow me to pay for Katie's three months of ballet lessons, which is good because the business is the only way I can afford to send her. I'm hoping this month meets goal again, since Christmas is right around the corner and that too needs to come from the sliver of business money I get to keep.
But it's hopeful. It's catching on. The word is spreading. I'm receiving letters about how much my angels have been helping in the coping process and grief. A little at a time, I'm making a difference in other people's lives, even when I seem incapable of fixing up our situation. That's something - that's something big.
August has given me hope that this might really take off and get big. Once Christmas is over, the money I get from the business is going to go towards getting an official business license and talking to our tax guy about exactly how this will work. Once both of those are done, I'm going to seek out hospital gift shops and start getting them to carry items for both healthy babies and the ones that don't make it. I want to make sure that parents who leave the hospitals empty handed, just like I have, will at least have a token of beautiful comfort, something to hold onto. People not in this situation may think that a little baby sculpture doesn't do anything, but I've experienced the power of filling my empty hands with something I can hold and how it really does help, even if only a little. A little is something to hold onto in that situation. It's something that gets you through that moment, that drive home, that hour, that time of tears.
September was to be my month to finally get my Storm Series finished. The trilogy would be complete. But instead, on September 1st, I have 26 angels to make who those in grief. That doesn't include any of the angels that will be ordered this month. So for now, I'll write while clay chills. I'll write while clay bakes. I'll write while clay cools down again. It'll cripple the speed of the process, but right now, my charity comes first. Writing makes me feel alive, but the charity makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected to a big network of supportive people. It makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself. And the business portion of it is letting us scrape by financially. I love writing, and I will continue to pursue publishing the first two books of the trilogy, but I may have to wait a month or two longer to finish the trilogy.
And so, September begins....
It's now September. I've dreaded September ever since 2016 started.
September was my due date month.
I still remember lying in the hospital ER, holding Bill's hand, calculating what the due date would be if our babies survived. The doctor later confirmed the date: September 17th. We hoped beyond hope. We clung to the high risk doctor's words: that there was a 50/50 chance that the baby in the uterus would go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I came into the hospital with two babies, I was desperate to leave with at least one still thriving.
I ended up losing the baby that was safe in the uterus before the baby that was later located in my tube. My hormone levels were through the roof, my progesterone levels were messed up, I think my body got really confused on what was happening. The ectopic made everything go out of wack, and I think that's what caused the baby in the uterus to not make it.
Despite the many prayers, both from us and from those we reached out to, neither baby made it through that hospital stay. And now it's September, and it's impossible to not think about how things would have been, had that one baby not attached just an inch or so before it should have. If it had successfully reached the uterus, I'd be having twins any day now. I'd be huge and uncomfortable but so excited.
Instead, this has been the worst year of my life. No, not even just for the reason of losing babies. Not even for the infertility struggle, though both have them have been major players. We have been hit from every angle. It feels like January knocked us down and the rest of 2016 put a heavy boot on top of us and refuses to let us get up. It just keeps crushing us into the cement.
Countless times in the last 9 months, we'd sigh with relief, grateful that finally, finally, we figured out the answer. We were going to make things better. Then we'd get a phone call, find out more information, or get a refusal. Every time it would be crushing, realizing that we were no closer to the answer than before, and we had exhausted one more hope. The last time this happened was just a few days ago. As the months go on, our situation gets worse. I'm not sure what curse has befallen us, because this is almost a beyond belief amount of bad luck. I'm in continuous prayer that this dark time will lift very, very soon. Just to be sure what direction we should head in, just a little encouragement, would do so much.
September was my due date month.
I still remember lying in the hospital ER, holding Bill's hand, calculating what the due date would be if our babies survived. The doctor later confirmed the date: September 17th. We hoped beyond hope. We clung to the high risk doctor's words: that there was a 50/50 chance that the baby in the uterus would go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I came into the hospital with two babies, I was desperate to leave with at least one still thriving.
I ended up losing the baby that was safe in the uterus before the baby that was later located in my tube. My hormone levels were through the roof, my progesterone levels were messed up, I think my body got really confused on what was happening. The ectopic made everything go out of wack, and I think that's what caused the baby in the uterus to not make it.
Despite the many prayers, both from us and from those we reached out to, neither baby made it through that hospital stay. And now it's September, and it's impossible to not think about how things would have been, had that one baby not attached just an inch or so before it should have. If it had successfully reached the uterus, I'd be having twins any day now. I'd be huge and uncomfortable but so excited.
Instead, this has been the worst year of my life. No, not even just for the reason of losing babies. Not even for the infertility struggle, though both have them have been major players. We have been hit from every angle. It feels like January knocked us down and the rest of 2016 put a heavy boot on top of us and refuses to let us get up. It just keeps crushing us into the cement.
Countless times in the last 9 months, we'd sigh with relief, grateful that finally, finally, we figured out the answer. We were going to make things better. Then we'd get a phone call, find out more information, or get a refusal. Every time it would be crushing, realizing that we were no closer to the answer than before, and we had exhausted one more hope. The last time this happened was just a few days ago. As the months go on, our situation gets worse. I'm not sure what curse has befallen us, because this is almost a beyond belief amount of bad luck. I'm in continuous prayer that this dark time will lift very, very soon. Just to be sure what direction we should head in, just a little encouragement, would do so much.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Rough few days...
I've been having a rough time for the last few days.
My facebook is filled with friends and family who are finding out they're pregnant or sharing their pregnancy, and it really brings up a lot of hurt that I've been burying.
I was hoping that if I plunge myself into a crazy amount of work, I'd feel better. I opened the charity to take my grief and anger and make it productive and beautiful. And it is...but it's also grief and anger.
Our money situation is very tight. Very, very tight. And the more we try to improve our situation, the more jobs Bill gets denied for and the more every door seems to stay closed and locked with no doors opening, the more the dream of IVF seems like it will never become a reality. It hurts, trying to come to terms with never having another baby. I thought if I just ignored the baby thing, it might not be so important anymore. If I came up with new things that meant a lot to me and were important, the baby one would go away. But it doesn't work like that, does it?
Will is growing up at an amazing speed. I try to baby him, but especially lately, I can see how old he's getting. While I smile as he shows so much intelligence and ability, I cry inside that I'm losing my baby to childhood again, and this time there won't be another baby behind him.
I wasn't supposed to have two kids. I'm not made for a small family. I yearn for another. Just one more would do it, just so I can have that experience one more time and so I can say this pregnancy, birth, infancy, etc is the final one. I went through Will's babyhood so sure that there'd be another coming. I want that final feeling, and it feels like I'll never get it. I hate feeling like I'm not finished, that I'm missing my last one.
But finances are telling me to accept not getting that last baby that feels so vital and is missing from me. I hate feeling so incomplete.
I grieve as I watch others happily get pregnant, and wonder why I can't do that. It's so easy for others, so many people take their fertility for granted. So many don't even want it. I just want it one more time, and it hurts so badly to not have it. No amount of busy-ness can keep me from wanting it, or make me move on.
I don't know how to accept that there won't be another, that IVF probably won't happen. I don't know how to continue through life not feeling like there's a piece of me missing. I don't know how to not look back and mourn over never getting the chance to try. This is an open wound that will not go away. Time will not heal it, in fact so far time has only made it worse. Each passing month makes it hurt worse.
I continue to pray for the situation to change, but it seems like it's only getting worse instead of better. I pray that we get a miracle in 2016. We've had so much trial, pain and grief this year, it's time for something good to start happening. Please, may we catch a break and start having more happiness than sadness.
My facebook is filled with friends and family who are finding out they're pregnant or sharing their pregnancy, and it really brings up a lot of hurt that I've been burying.
I was hoping that if I plunge myself into a crazy amount of work, I'd feel better. I opened the charity to take my grief and anger and make it productive and beautiful. And it is...but it's also grief and anger.
Our money situation is very tight. Very, very tight. And the more we try to improve our situation, the more jobs Bill gets denied for and the more every door seems to stay closed and locked with no doors opening, the more the dream of IVF seems like it will never become a reality. It hurts, trying to come to terms with never having another baby. I thought if I just ignored the baby thing, it might not be so important anymore. If I came up with new things that meant a lot to me and were important, the baby one would go away. But it doesn't work like that, does it?
Will is growing up at an amazing speed. I try to baby him, but especially lately, I can see how old he's getting. While I smile as he shows so much intelligence and ability, I cry inside that I'm losing my baby to childhood again, and this time there won't be another baby behind him.
I wasn't supposed to have two kids. I'm not made for a small family. I yearn for another. Just one more would do it, just so I can have that experience one more time and so I can say this pregnancy, birth, infancy, etc is the final one. I went through Will's babyhood so sure that there'd be another coming. I want that final feeling, and it feels like I'll never get it. I hate feeling like I'm not finished, that I'm missing my last one.
But finances are telling me to accept not getting that last baby that feels so vital and is missing from me. I hate feeling so incomplete.
I grieve as I watch others happily get pregnant, and wonder why I can't do that. It's so easy for others, so many people take their fertility for granted. So many don't even want it. I just want it one more time, and it hurts so badly to not have it. No amount of busy-ness can keep me from wanting it, or make me move on.
I don't know how to accept that there won't be another, that IVF probably won't happen. I don't know how to continue through life not feeling like there's a piece of me missing. I don't know how to not look back and mourn over never getting the chance to try. This is an open wound that will not go away. Time will not heal it, in fact so far time has only made it worse. Each passing month makes it hurt worse.
I continue to pray for the situation to change, but it seems like it's only getting worse instead of better. I pray that we get a miracle in 2016. We've had so much trial, pain and grief this year, it's time for something good to start happening. Please, may we catch a break and start having more happiness than sadness.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
More news on graduating, publishing and business
Very exciting news - I've been contacting Penn State about getting my degree. The bad news is that I do need one more class to graduate - and that class will be around $2,000 - something we definitely don't have at the moment. But I'm going to look through financial aid and try to find the money - one semester, one class - and I can finally graduate! I'll be graduating in Letters, Arts, and Sciences - which is good for small business. The class I need is in Business Writing - which I can definitely use for what I'm doing in my business right now. It all falls in line with what I'm already doing. Since the semester begins next month, I'm not sure if I'll be able to get everything together in time, so at worst, I should be able to do it in spring and graduate in May.
I'm just days away from re-launching Homespun Dreams. I'm hoping that will help me meet my monthly quotas. Summer is the hardest time for businesses - whether crafting or real stores - so it's been a rough month. But my hope is that having a business that's not about miscarriage and baby loss and can be used happily and in many situations will help get me off the ground.
I'm currently writing up everything I need to figure out prior to pitching sales to hospitals. Bill and I are sitting down figuring out exactly what needs to be done, quantities, discounts on wholesale, etc. I need about $65 as a start up fee, between business cards, clay, and a good display case for in person sales. I'm hoping to be ready to start pitching by either end of August or beginning of September.
My newest novel is 3k short of my word count goal, but it's been through a first and second draft. I'm going to go over it once more this week while I wait for my beta to be free, then going to have her go over it with a fine tooth comb and pick out everything that could possibly be wrong with it. I know a lot of writers hate this part, but I look forward to it. It means it's getting reader feedback so it can be polished and shined and all the kinks I know are there but can't see can be exposed. It's a big step towards getting it ready for publishing. I'm hoping the manuscript will be ready to be submitted by the end of August. Within two weeks from that, I should be hearing about my first manuscript.
Meanwhile, I'm slowly building up my author page. Honestly, I'm not really putting any effort into it. I post a lot of fun stuff for both readers and writers, and a lot of writers have flocked to it. Without promoting it to any friends or family, it's at about 70 followers. Not an impressive number, but with zero effort so far, it's not bad. I'll have to start promoting it before I submit my next novel.
I'm very excited about everything going on. I feel like I'm laying down the foundation this year for an amazing 2017. College graduate, owner of two small businesses, trying to get into actual, real stores, and becoming a published hopeful. This year has sucked, and it's still full of struggle, but I feel like it's all to crawl and climb before reaching that turn of the bend, and then I'll be able to see a smooth, easy path that's full of happy successes. I'm determined to make 2017 my year - and I'm putting forth the work now to make it so.
I'm just days away from re-launching Homespun Dreams. I'm hoping that will help me meet my monthly quotas. Summer is the hardest time for businesses - whether crafting or real stores - so it's been a rough month. But my hope is that having a business that's not about miscarriage and baby loss and can be used happily and in many situations will help get me off the ground.
I'm currently writing up everything I need to figure out prior to pitching sales to hospitals. Bill and I are sitting down figuring out exactly what needs to be done, quantities, discounts on wholesale, etc. I need about $65 as a start up fee, between business cards, clay, and a good display case for in person sales. I'm hoping to be ready to start pitching by either end of August or beginning of September.
My newest novel is 3k short of my word count goal, but it's been through a first and second draft. I'm going to go over it once more this week while I wait for my beta to be free, then going to have her go over it with a fine tooth comb and pick out everything that could possibly be wrong with it. I know a lot of writers hate this part, but I look forward to it. It means it's getting reader feedback so it can be polished and shined and all the kinks I know are there but can't see can be exposed. It's a big step towards getting it ready for publishing. I'm hoping the manuscript will be ready to be submitted by the end of August. Within two weeks from that, I should be hearing about my first manuscript.
Meanwhile, I'm slowly building up my author page. Honestly, I'm not really putting any effort into it. I post a lot of fun stuff for both readers and writers, and a lot of writers have flocked to it. Without promoting it to any friends or family, it's at about 70 followers. Not an impressive number, but with zero effort so far, it's not bad. I'll have to start promoting it before I submit my next novel.
I'm very excited about everything going on. I feel like I'm laying down the foundation this year for an amazing 2017. College graduate, owner of two small businesses, trying to get into actual, real stores, and becoming a published hopeful. This year has sucked, and it's still full of struggle, but I feel like it's all to crawl and climb before reaching that turn of the bend, and then I'll be able to see a smooth, easy path that's full of happy successes. I'm determined to make 2017 my year - and I'm putting forth the work now to make it so.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Priorities
You never quite realize how big your dreams are until you start writing down your quarterly goals for each one!
I'm about a week and a half away from launching my second business, about a month away from pitching to hospitals, and possibly only a few months away from finally getting a college degree. Bill went to look into going back to school for engineering yesterday, and while we were looking at all of his credits and what he needs, I looked into mine online. My credits seem to perfectly fall into Letters, Arts and Sciences major without me having to go back and do any further classes. I'm going to contact them this week and see if I can graduate in the next semester or two and finally be able to do the graduation walk.
I've completed about half the things I need to do to get my driver's license as well. I've gotten the physical, had the paperwork filled out by doctors, got a $9 replacement pair of glasses so I can legally be behind the wheel, found out about eye exam schedules, and downloaded the pdf on driving tests. Now I just need to get the exam, start reading the pdf, take the test for the permit, drive around for a bit, then take the driving test. It seems like graduating college, starting up a second business, putting my products into hospital gift shops, writing novels and sending them to publishers will all be easier than finding the time to practice and drive, but I'm going to add it in there anyway.
My business and writing goals are so long that they each took up a full page (so that's at least 20-25 goals per category for only the next three months!) I have so much work to do, it can get a little overwhelming. It's hard to prioritize, because everything is so important. I have to get my college degree before my credits get too old, which could be by next spring. I have to act now, and possibly do one or two more classes.
We need extra money. I need to shoulder Katie's ballet tuition, getting her ballet gear, paying for her costume and tickets, paying for birthdays, holidays, vacations and day trips, and afford all of the things I'm doing as well. (I'd also like to afford a new pair of glasses that don't scream that they only cost $9, and I'd like a laptop fund as I have no idea how much longer this one will last). This means that I have to continue building up the business and pulling money in. And if I'm going to run one business, it's not much more time and effort to run two, and the hospital gift shops is where the money is at.
I have to do the charity. I can't run stores and not the charity, it would feel wrong. So that has to stay in place with the businesses.
I have waited 20 years to get into this position of where I can write, edit and submit novels to publishers. I'm already years behind my dream schedule. I can't release that dream again. I don't want to hold off until I'm 35 or 40 to start doing it. It's the one thing I knew I wanted to do since I was 8 years old. It needs it's time. It's time seems like now. I'm not willing to push it off until later. I MUST work on this.
Kids need to be homeschooled. That's another chunk out of my day that requires my attention and planning and that can not be pushed off. It's also a top priority.
Honestly, driving is low priority to me personally, but I know it needs to happen. It's low priority because we don't have the money for me to get my own car. It'll raise the rates of our insurance. I have to take the kids with me, which means it's extra work to go without Bill, not less. And frankly, I don't trust myself to have access to craft stores every day. My wallet will NOT be happy, even if I blissfully am! I can say no on internet stores, but holding something in person? I'm buying it. Having a car to go down there every single time I get a new craft idea that I become crazy passionate over? Not good. Having a license certainly will not do the great things for me that the other items on the list will. It's certainly not quite as important. However, it's a big deal to everyone else, so I'm doing that too and I can't push it off forever. Even my doctor scolded me about not having one yet, though he completely understood how busy I've been through my late teens and into twenties.
Looking over that, it seems like I have a dozen things vying for top priority spot and not a single one of them are willing to step down. Which means I need to divide myself in that many ways, get a really good schedule going, and start working each item into my daily and weekly time slots. This is going to be an extremely busy year, but hopefully by the end, it'll have me happier and satisfied until the rest of my life can catch up and we can finally see what's possible and what's not possible, what dreams must be given up and what's still obtainable.
I'm about a week and a half away from launching my second business, about a month away from pitching to hospitals, and possibly only a few months away from finally getting a college degree. Bill went to look into going back to school for engineering yesterday, and while we were looking at all of his credits and what he needs, I looked into mine online. My credits seem to perfectly fall into Letters, Arts and Sciences major without me having to go back and do any further classes. I'm going to contact them this week and see if I can graduate in the next semester or two and finally be able to do the graduation walk.
I've completed about half the things I need to do to get my driver's license as well. I've gotten the physical, had the paperwork filled out by doctors, got a $9 replacement pair of glasses so I can legally be behind the wheel, found out about eye exam schedules, and downloaded the pdf on driving tests. Now I just need to get the exam, start reading the pdf, take the test for the permit, drive around for a bit, then take the driving test. It seems like graduating college, starting up a second business, putting my products into hospital gift shops, writing novels and sending them to publishers will all be easier than finding the time to practice and drive, but I'm going to add it in there anyway.
My business and writing goals are so long that they each took up a full page (so that's at least 20-25 goals per category for only the next three months!) I have so much work to do, it can get a little overwhelming. It's hard to prioritize, because everything is so important. I have to get my college degree before my credits get too old, which could be by next spring. I have to act now, and possibly do one or two more classes.
We need extra money. I need to shoulder Katie's ballet tuition, getting her ballet gear, paying for her costume and tickets, paying for birthdays, holidays, vacations and day trips, and afford all of the things I'm doing as well. (I'd also like to afford a new pair of glasses that don't scream that they only cost $9, and I'd like a laptop fund as I have no idea how much longer this one will last). This means that I have to continue building up the business and pulling money in. And if I'm going to run one business, it's not much more time and effort to run two, and the hospital gift shops is where the money is at.
I have to do the charity. I can't run stores and not the charity, it would feel wrong. So that has to stay in place with the businesses.
I have waited 20 years to get into this position of where I can write, edit and submit novels to publishers. I'm already years behind my dream schedule. I can't release that dream again. I don't want to hold off until I'm 35 or 40 to start doing it. It's the one thing I knew I wanted to do since I was 8 years old. It needs it's time. It's time seems like now. I'm not willing to push it off until later. I MUST work on this.
Kids need to be homeschooled. That's another chunk out of my day that requires my attention and planning and that can not be pushed off. It's also a top priority.
Honestly, driving is low priority to me personally, but I know it needs to happen. It's low priority because we don't have the money for me to get my own car. It'll raise the rates of our insurance. I have to take the kids with me, which means it's extra work to go without Bill, not less. And frankly, I don't trust myself to have access to craft stores every day. My wallet will NOT be happy, even if I blissfully am! I can say no on internet stores, but holding something in person? I'm buying it. Having a car to go down there every single time I get a new craft idea that I become crazy passionate over? Not good. Having a license certainly will not do the great things for me that the other items on the list will. It's certainly not quite as important. However, it's a big deal to everyone else, so I'm doing that too and I can't push it off forever. Even my doctor scolded me about not having one yet, though he completely understood how busy I've been through my late teens and into twenties.
Looking over that, it seems like I have a dozen things vying for top priority spot and not a single one of them are willing to step down. Which means I need to divide myself in that many ways, get a really good schedule going, and start working each item into my daily and weekly time slots. This is going to be an extremely busy year, but hopefully by the end, it'll have me happier and satisfied until the rest of my life can catch up and we can finally see what's possible and what's not possible, what dreams must be given up and what's still obtainable.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
July post - catching up
We're now half way through July!
The last week of June and the first week of July were really rough on me. It was pretty much nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. I was having extreme pain in my ovary. It felt like I was walking around with a knife stuck in it, and every time I moved, the knife jabbed and turned. To add to this, my cycles have been all over the place - one cycle was three weeks, and two weeks after I got that period, I got my next one. I was terrified that my ovary was rupturing (something I didn't even know could happen prior to this past January!) or a tumor was growing from it, or cancer had come back. I was a mess.
I called up the doctor after four days of the pain with no signs of it going away. Five days after that, I went in for a check up and ultrasound. They couldn't find anything wrong with my ovary, and said both ovary and uterus were fine. They didn't even see any cysts.. There was an assistant doctor there, and my doctor explained my whole story, from tumor, cancer, miscarriage, ectopic, and the fact that I'm missing half of my reproductive parts and only have one ovary and uterus left in there. He finished by saying "and she has children! Isn't that amazing?" Sometimes I forget that it IS amazing and my kids really are miracles. My body has been through so much, but it's also exceeded all expectations and did more than any doctor ever thought it would. He acknowledged that, understandably, it does come with the cost of medical paranoia and anxiety.
He couldn't answer the pain problem, but I think it's a severely strained or torn muscle and ligaments. It's been three weeks and the pain is still there. Heating pads and careful working is getting me through the day. I haven't been able to pick up the kids or run around for nearly a month.
In business news, I'm expanding. My angel store is doing well, but I feel like it can do much better if I push it. I'm going to be opening a second store that features babies for welcome baby gifts, baby showers, etc. as I've had so many people tell me that I should do it, that I am!
In addition, I'm going to start reaching out to my community. I'm going to ask local hospitals if they'd like to stock my items, and seek out local stores and stand opportunities. There's a new farmer's market that is literally across the street from my house. If I could get the town's approval to set up a table there with my angels and babies, I could just carry it across the street. It would be easy enough to check in on the kids, and get Bill to exchange with me during bathroom breaks, and get some food from home. It would be ideal, so I'm going to make a bunch of babies and ask for permission to set up. If I can sell just 5 babies each month, I can afford Katie's ballet tuition, all of her extra ballet costs, pay for gifts at holidays and birthdays, expand my business further, keep the charity going, and maybe put away a few dollars into savings (the last one is stretching it though!)
If opening a second business, prepping to set up at a stand each weekend, calling/emailing/visiting businesses, running a charity, homeschooling the kids and keeping up a house wasn't enough work, I'm also doing Camp Nanowrimo - a month full of writing where I need to write at least 2-3 thousand words a day. Today is exactly two weeks into it, and I have 30,000 words - half way through my first draft. I'm also 4 weeks out since I submitted my book to publishers, which means I have 8 more weeks until I hear back about it. My goal is to have my current novel ready to send off by the time I hear about the one that's already out.
This has been the craziest year of my life. I've been thrown through so many loops and so many new things are happening. Have I ever been this busy before? Even when taking a full college load and working 6-10 hours a night, I don't think I was this super busy. But it's fulfilling. I'm chasing dreams and making them come true. I've been a writer for twenty years and never got far enough to actually start submitting to publishers. I always got frustrated or lost confidence or just couldn't figure out how to make it work. Now I'm writing more than I have in seven years and I should have at least two novels submitted to publishers by the end of the year, with another novel (one already written from when I was teenager) soon after that.
Plus I've always wanted a successful craft business, but lacked time, finances and marketing. I'm able to tackle it much better now than ever before, and because the craft I make really means something to me, I have a lot of motivation to keep pushing and working on it. I feel more alive now than I have in a while, because I have two amazing kids, a very supportive husband, and hobbies that are turning into money. While 2016 is still so rocky, I'm hoping that by the time 2017 rolls around, I'll be doing really well!
The last week of June and the first week of July were really rough on me. It was pretty much nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. I was having extreme pain in my ovary. It felt like I was walking around with a knife stuck in it, and every time I moved, the knife jabbed and turned. To add to this, my cycles have been all over the place - one cycle was three weeks, and two weeks after I got that period, I got my next one. I was terrified that my ovary was rupturing (something I didn't even know could happen prior to this past January!) or a tumor was growing from it, or cancer had come back. I was a mess.
I called up the doctor after four days of the pain with no signs of it going away. Five days after that, I went in for a check up and ultrasound. They couldn't find anything wrong with my ovary, and said both ovary and uterus were fine. They didn't even see any cysts.. There was an assistant doctor there, and my doctor explained my whole story, from tumor, cancer, miscarriage, ectopic, and the fact that I'm missing half of my reproductive parts and only have one ovary and uterus left in there. He finished by saying "and she has children! Isn't that amazing?" Sometimes I forget that it IS amazing and my kids really are miracles. My body has been through so much, but it's also exceeded all expectations and did more than any doctor ever thought it would. He acknowledged that, understandably, it does come with the cost of medical paranoia and anxiety.
He couldn't answer the pain problem, but I think it's a severely strained or torn muscle and ligaments. It's been three weeks and the pain is still there. Heating pads and careful working is getting me through the day. I haven't been able to pick up the kids or run around for nearly a month.
In business news, I'm expanding. My angel store is doing well, but I feel like it can do much better if I push it. I'm going to be opening a second store that features babies for welcome baby gifts, baby showers, etc. as I've had so many people tell me that I should do it, that I am!
In addition, I'm going to start reaching out to my community. I'm going to ask local hospitals if they'd like to stock my items, and seek out local stores and stand opportunities. There's a new farmer's market that is literally across the street from my house. If I could get the town's approval to set up a table there with my angels and babies, I could just carry it across the street. It would be easy enough to check in on the kids, and get Bill to exchange with me during bathroom breaks, and get some food from home. It would be ideal, so I'm going to make a bunch of babies and ask for permission to set up. If I can sell just 5 babies each month, I can afford Katie's ballet tuition, all of her extra ballet costs, pay for gifts at holidays and birthdays, expand my business further, keep the charity going, and maybe put away a few dollars into savings (the last one is stretching it though!)
If opening a second business, prepping to set up at a stand each weekend, calling/emailing/visiting businesses, running a charity, homeschooling the kids and keeping up a house wasn't enough work, I'm also doing Camp Nanowrimo - a month full of writing where I need to write at least 2-3 thousand words a day. Today is exactly two weeks into it, and I have 30,000 words - half way through my first draft. I'm also 4 weeks out since I submitted my book to publishers, which means I have 8 more weeks until I hear back about it. My goal is to have my current novel ready to send off by the time I hear about the one that's already out.
This has been the craziest year of my life. I've been thrown through so many loops and so many new things are happening. Have I ever been this busy before? Even when taking a full college load and working 6-10 hours a night, I don't think I was this super busy. But it's fulfilling. I'm chasing dreams and making them come true. I've been a writer for twenty years and never got far enough to actually start submitting to publishers. I always got frustrated or lost confidence or just couldn't figure out how to make it work. Now I'm writing more than I have in seven years and I should have at least two novels submitted to publishers by the end of the year, with another novel (one already written from when I was teenager) soon after that.
Plus I've always wanted a successful craft business, but lacked time, finances and marketing. I'm able to tackle it much better now than ever before, and because the craft I make really means something to me, I have a lot of motivation to keep pushing and working on it. I feel more alive now than I have in a while, because I have two amazing kids, a very supportive husband, and hobbies that are turning into money. While 2016 is still so rocky, I'm hoping that by the time 2017 rolls around, I'll be doing really well!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
What I've Been Up to.....
It's been over a month since my last post. What have I been up to?
In short - everything!
I have the Angel of Mine business up and running, and it's going well. I'm able to support the charity that I launched this month, as well as break even with all the investment I've been doing. As long as I'm not going in the negatives with the charity or business, I'm happy. Once I have everything I need, I can start having actual income to do more with the charity. I'm currently sitting at $4 in the positive after charity is finished for the month and I expanded the business to include 8 more angel designs.
I sent in my first novel to be reviewed by publishers on June 11th. It's been my lifelong dream to get published, so I'm going after it now. If the first place denies me (which I'm expecting, because honestly, who ever gets published on their first try? No one) I have a few back ups to immediately send it back out to.
I'm also writing a new novel, the first new novel I've written in years. Most of what I've done in the last decade is edit and redo old novels that are already completed.
I'm opening up my old business, Homespun Dreams, and expanding what I offer. The hats did great last time, but I want more. I'm going to offer the baby version of the angels I make for baby showers and welcome baby gifts, as well as sculpting cake toppers of all kinds and doing wedding stuff. I'll also be breaking out my sewing machine and doing some seamstress work for the business as well. Since July is about finishing my new novel, celebrating the 4th of July, Katie's birthday, my birthday, Elizabeth's memorial, and Bill being home for a whole week due to shut down week, I decided to slowly work on getting items up and then launching the store in August.
I should be hearing back from the publishers by September. I'm hoping to get my next book out for publishing by that month as well, which means I have A LOT of work to do. So far my terrible first draft is 15,000 words long and is bare bones. July is going to get the rest of the bare bones down, and August is going to have many revisions and beta work.
Bill is looking into going to school for two years to be an Engineer after people at his job approached him with the offer. He already has two years in, and his work has taken an interest in him and is willing to send him for free schooling and on his work shift - so he'd only work for a few hours, then go to school for a few hours. This will not only get us more money, but it'll make him more valuable for transferring down South. The Upper West of North Carolina, around Winston-Salem, is still our #1 choice, but we're putting Macon, Georgia back on the table as well. Things are so much cheaper there, we'd be able to buy more of a home, it's beautiful, close to Disney, has a lot of farmer markets and Alton Brown (no, Alton Brown isn't actually why I'd move there...but it's a fun tidbit!) Another fun tidbit about this job change - New Zealand is in very high demand for Engineers, and we're both very interested in going there as soon as we get the money and seeing if it's a viable choice for us. I've been talking with people who moved there from other countries, and there's nothing but positivity. It's a long shot that I'm not even sure I want to happen any time soon, but it's worth noting. ;)
Meanwhile, we have no idea where we are with IVF. Both of us still feel called to try for another baby. Staying at his work means we can't get insurance that way, but there's still Starbucks to consider. We aren't making any decisions or plans this year, both of us feel like next year will give us an answer either way. We're in such a transitional phase with careers, businesses, moving opportunities, schooling, etc that we know it's impossible to really plan anything right now. But with everything changing, something might either open up the chance for IVF or will securely close the door, and we both think next year will be when that happens. Knowing that IVF is pretty much out of our hands and the stars have to align to make it happen is a bit calming and less stressful. There's still every chance of it happening, I just don't know if those chances are going to work perfectly to create the ability to do IVF yet.
In short - everything!
I have the Angel of Mine business up and running, and it's going well. I'm able to support the charity that I launched this month, as well as break even with all the investment I've been doing. As long as I'm not going in the negatives with the charity or business, I'm happy. Once I have everything I need, I can start having actual income to do more with the charity. I'm currently sitting at $4 in the positive after charity is finished for the month and I expanded the business to include 8 more angel designs.
I sent in my first novel to be reviewed by publishers on June 11th. It's been my lifelong dream to get published, so I'm going after it now. If the first place denies me (which I'm expecting, because honestly, who ever gets published on their first try? No one) I have a few back ups to immediately send it back out to.
I'm also writing a new novel, the first new novel I've written in years. Most of what I've done in the last decade is edit and redo old novels that are already completed.
I'm opening up my old business, Homespun Dreams, and expanding what I offer. The hats did great last time, but I want more. I'm going to offer the baby version of the angels I make for baby showers and welcome baby gifts, as well as sculpting cake toppers of all kinds and doing wedding stuff. I'll also be breaking out my sewing machine and doing some seamstress work for the business as well. Since July is about finishing my new novel, celebrating the 4th of July, Katie's birthday, my birthday, Elizabeth's memorial, and Bill being home for a whole week due to shut down week, I decided to slowly work on getting items up and then launching the store in August.
I should be hearing back from the publishers by September. I'm hoping to get my next book out for publishing by that month as well, which means I have A LOT of work to do. So far my terrible first draft is 15,000 words long and is bare bones. July is going to get the rest of the bare bones down, and August is going to have many revisions and beta work.
Bill is looking into going to school for two years to be an Engineer after people at his job approached him with the offer. He already has two years in, and his work has taken an interest in him and is willing to send him for free schooling and on his work shift - so he'd only work for a few hours, then go to school for a few hours. This will not only get us more money, but it'll make him more valuable for transferring down South. The Upper West of North Carolina, around Winston-Salem, is still our #1 choice, but we're putting Macon, Georgia back on the table as well. Things are so much cheaper there, we'd be able to buy more of a home, it's beautiful, close to Disney, has a lot of farmer markets and Alton Brown (no, Alton Brown isn't actually why I'd move there...but it's a fun tidbit!) Another fun tidbit about this job change - New Zealand is in very high demand for Engineers, and we're both very interested in going there as soon as we get the money and seeing if it's a viable choice for us. I've been talking with people who moved there from other countries, and there's nothing but positivity. It's a long shot that I'm not even sure I want to happen any time soon, but it's worth noting. ;)
Meanwhile, we have no idea where we are with IVF. Both of us still feel called to try for another baby. Staying at his work means we can't get insurance that way, but there's still Starbucks to consider. We aren't making any decisions or plans this year, both of us feel like next year will give us an answer either way. We're in such a transitional phase with careers, businesses, moving opportunities, schooling, etc that we know it's impossible to really plan anything right now. But with everything changing, something might either open up the chance for IVF or will securely close the door, and we both think next year will be when that happens. Knowing that IVF is pretty much out of our hands and the stars have to align to make it happen is a bit calming and less stressful. There's still every chance of it happening, I just don't know if those chances are going to work perfectly to create the ability to do IVF yet.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Starbucks
I've been so crazy busy lately! I picked writing back up, am trying to get short stories published (mostly for the $200 each payments) and am trying to get a novel published this summer (to finally fulfill that dream). I'm also working on a brand new novel.
I'm also working hard at my organization. The store isn't doing too badly - I've now made back all of my initial put in cost, and am just waiting for more funding to launch my charity - which hopefully I'll be doing in less than two weeks on June 1st.
I also managed to LET GO of so much stuff I never could before. Our attic is practically empty. I reduced our baby things down to a single tote (labelled as Our Baby Hopes and Dreams on it) and we let go of so many toys, giant stuffed animals, and clothing. In it's place, I'll have a craft room, a sewing table, and a writing desk.
However, even with so much happening right now, my mind has never left the idea of IVF. While it seems like there's little chance in us getting it through Bill's work, I have found one single ray of hope that has helped many other women in non-mandated states that can't afford to shell out 15k per month. Starbucks has 80% coverage of all IVF and meds. It's only part time work, and benefits kick in after only one month. It has a 15k lifetime limit, which means we'd probably get two cycles out of it (we were already told that we don't need diagnostic testing, which is half of the price normally)
So now I'm thinking to next year. There's a Starbucks about twenty minutes away from us in two different directions (Muhlenburg and Lehigh Mall). Either Bill or I will probably get a job there for three months. It'll be harder for me to work there, even though that was originally my plan, because I'll need to go to the doctors so often and I'll be going through surgery and injections while also needing to work. So it may be Bill's second job for a short time, we'll see. Next year may bring Bill back to college for Engineering, which would mean no time for a part time job on top of a full time job and school load.
This is currently our only option, so we're keeping it in mind and allowing our small hopes to feed off of it for now. Hope was a scary thing before, but now it's becoming a good thing. Uplifting. We'll see where this takes us.
Other places to look into: Staples, Fed Ex and Bank of America
Note - Disney covers some IVF, look into if that extends to Disney Stores
Kinkos - three IVF tries + 3,000$ towards meds, needs 32 hours weekly.
I'm also working hard at my organization. The store isn't doing too badly - I've now made back all of my initial put in cost, and am just waiting for more funding to launch my charity - which hopefully I'll be doing in less than two weeks on June 1st.
I also managed to LET GO of so much stuff I never could before. Our attic is practically empty. I reduced our baby things down to a single tote (labelled as Our Baby Hopes and Dreams on it) and we let go of so many toys, giant stuffed animals, and clothing. In it's place, I'll have a craft room, a sewing table, and a writing desk.
However, even with so much happening right now, my mind has never left the idea of IVF. While it seems like there's little chance in us getting it through Bill's work, I have found one single ray of hope that has helped many other women in non-mandated states that can't afford to shell out 15k per month. Starbucks has 80% coverage of all IVF and meds. It's only part time work, and benefits kick in after only one month. It has a 15k lifetime limit, which means we'd probably get two cycles out of it (we were already told that we don't need diagnostic testing, which is half of the price normally)
So now I'm thinking to next year. There's a Starbucks about twenty minutes away from us in two different directions (Muhlenburg and Lehigh Mall). Either Bill or I will probably get a job there for three months. It'll be harder for me to work there, even though that was originally my plan, because I'll need to go to the doctors so often and I'll be going through surgery and injections while also needing to work. So it may be Bill's second job for a short time, we'll see. Next year may bring Bill back to college for Engineering, which would mean no time for a part time job on top of a full time job and school load.
This is currently our only option, so we're keeping it in mind and allowing our small hopes to feed off of it for now. Hope was a scary thing before, but now it's becoming a good thing. Uplifting. We'll see where this takes us.
Other places to look into: Staples, Fed Ex and Bank of America
Note - Disney covers some IVF, look into if that extends to Disney Stores
Kinkos - three IVF tries + 3,000$ towards meds, needs 32 hours weekly.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Dreams and Yard Sales
The other day, I had a wonderful dream. It was short, and it would have been boring if it didn't mean so much to me.
I had a dream that Bill and I were just sitting on the bed, in silence, at night time. In my arms was the most perfect little infant. I remarked about how the baby was such a perfect, quiet, sweet baby, and how happy I was that we decided to go through with everything to have another. I kept saying that it was so worth it. Then Bill mentioned "she" and I said "it could be a boy, we don't know," like my brain couldn't decide. Bill replied with "no honey, we do know. It's a girl, remember?" It's interesting that even in my own dream, I'm wrong about the gender! Bill has been right, in real life, 100% of the time now.
That was is. Just laying with our sweet baby cradled in our arms, that baby being perfectly content to just stare back at us with all of it's newness. I woke up feeling so comforted and at peace, and feeling stronger in my conviction to at least try for another.
Yard sales this morning, where I found everything I ever wanted for a baby but couldn't buy, also made me feel the need to try for another. I'm so obviously not done having children. It did make me sad though, to see all the baby stuff - two stands with matching twin everything - when had things gone differently, I'd be pregnant with twins right now and buying two of everything.
So when I got home, I focused on the charity. I had an order for a set of twins last night and a baby boy angel, so I got to work. I spent a lot of time with the kids, teaching them video games, making our traditional Saturday dinner, and drinking chocolate milk. It's a lazy Saturday to just enjoy what I have...and think about what I want.
I'm enjoying my new business. So far I've sold four angels, and have about 3/4th of my start up money back. As soon as I've sold about 10 angels, I'll have enough to start up my charity. I have about $60 worth of supplies I need yet, plus repaying the start up money. While it's probably going to take most of next month to get things situated and paid back, I really enjoy what I'm doing. I'm getting to personalize these sweet sleeping babies for those who need the comfort of having something to remember their babies by. It's a really neat feeling.
I had a dream that Bill and I were just sitting on the bed, in silence, at night time. In my arms was the most perfect little infant. I remarked about how the baby was such a perfect, quiet, sweet baby, and how happy I was that we decided to go through with everything to have another. I kept saying that it was so worth it. Then Bill mentioned "she" and I said "it could be a boy, we don't know," like my brain couldn't decide. Bill replied with "no honey, we do know. It's a girl, remember?" It's interesting that even in my own dream, I'm wrong about the gender! Bill has been right, in real life, 100% of the time now.
That was is. Just laying with our sweet baby cradled in our arms, that baby being perfectly content to just stare back at us with all of it's newness. I woke up feeling so comforted and at peace, and feeling stronger in my conviction to at least try for another.
Yard sales this morning, where I found everything I ever wanted for a baby but couldn't buy, also made me feel the need to try for another. I'm so obviously not done having children. It did make me sad though, to see all the baby stuff - two stands with matching twin everything - when had things gone differently, I'd be pregnant with twins right now and buying two of everything.
So when I got home, I focused on the charity. I had an order for a set of twins last night and a baby boy angel, so I got to work. I spent a lot of time with the kids, teaching them video games, making our traditional Saturday dinner, and drinking chocolate milk. It's a lazy Saturday to just enjoy what I have...and think about what I want.
I'm enjoying my new business. So far I've sold four angels, and have about 3/4th of my start up money back. As soon as I've sold about 10 angels, I'll have enough to start up my charity. I have about $60 worth of supplies I need yet, plus repaying the start up money. While it's probably going to take most of next month to get things situated and paid back, I really enjoy what I'm doing. I'm getting to personalize these sweet sleeping babies for those who need the comfort of having something to remember their babies by. It's a really neat feeling.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Day One of Store Opening
The store is up, running and being used! In just one full day, 4 people favorited my shop, 137 views, 28 favorites on my babies, one online sale, one pending sale on a request and one sale at Bill's work. For one day of work, I think that's pretty good!
Tomorrow will be a great day, I get my clay and my organza baggies, which means I can make my current orders and get them bagged to be sent out. Wednesday is when I get my shipping boxes. I decided to forgo the business cards until I have more money to spare, so I wrote up a page with my logo as the header, a picture of a girl,boy, and neutral baby at the bottom, and our mission statements and websites in it. I'll be printing them out and giving them with each baby, and hopefully they can be passed around and used. I plan on putting one up at Bill's work as well. Working at the biggest employment place in Berks, it should give me an exposure to thousands.
Eager to keep this going. If I can sell 10 angels, I can repay from the funds that I borrowed for the supplies I put into this and get the charity up and running. Hopefully with each angel I sell, I can get a few new people to follow if they tell their friends and family.
This is definitely an exciting adventure. Hopefully throughout the week it'll keep up and business will continue! I'm eager to start up my charity as soon as possible.
Friday, April 22, 2016
A totally new check list? Yep!
Thought that the last list of things I needed to do for the charity would be all that I needed to do, but hah, not even close! (and on second thought, maybe I SHOULD have opened that blog to journal the charity, as it's taking over quite a bit of this blog. However, it's still part of my healing with infertility and loss, and honestly there's not much to write about outside of the charity. Nothing so far has changed, except that the charity work has made me more energetic and happier than I've been since everything happened.)
The last list was my step up to start the foundation. This list is everything needed so I can actually start sending out the angels and selling them.
EDIT: It's only a few hours since I wrote up the list and now have changes!
The last list was my step up to start the foundation. This list is everything needed so I can actually start sending out the angels and selling them.
EDIT: It's only a few hours since I wrote up the list and now have changes!
I need at least 1 lb of clay. By my estimations on how many ounces it takes per angel, that should get me about 5 angels. Not much, but it's a start. 1 lb = $12. I would love to get the 3 lb for $30, but I don't even have the $12 to scrap together yet after dishing out almost $50 just for the clay molds.Bill sweetly decided to donate the $12 from his overtime check to the cause, so I ordered the 1 lb of clay to get me started!I need shipping boxes. Not the free priority kind that come from the post office, as they would cost an arm and a leg to ship these very light pieces, but small, sturdy ones from amazon. They cost $17 for 50 of them, which is the smallest quantity offered.What's clay without shipping boxes? I downgraded the size to fit the angel better and ordered 50 for $12. I also signed up for free Amazon prime to get this and the clay shipped for free. Now hopefully I'll be able to remember to sign back OFF of the prime before they charge me $100! Luckily, I had $20 I've been saving to spend on these boxes. I wanted it to be the start of my new camera fund, but first things first.I need a baggie for the angel to go into. Sure, this is mostly presentation and a voice inside of me says "hey, start SMALL," but first impressions are everything. I want everything to be perfect right from the beginning so that word of mouth will spread. Luckily, I found 50 of them in 5x7in for $2 (thank you, China!)Since I saved some money on the boxes, I went ahead and bought these too. I actually skipped getting them from China as I would have had to wait until the end of May or middle of June to get them - much too far away. I spent $6 and got 100 white organza bags, shipping from California.- I need business cards. Vistaprint is $10 per 500, so I'll probably be going with them. It may cost a little more though, as I want the back printed as well. With shipping, it'll probably be closer to $20-25. Eek
- I want to get little stickers with the charity logo. I know, again that's only for presentation and totally necessary? Probably not. But these would be from Shutterfly, which I have multiple $20 off coupons for. So I'd probably only pay overpriced shipping of $7-ish.
- I need to create Etsy listings. These are about $0.20 cents a piece. I want to make a lot of them to get them out there. Most crafters I talk to say you barely see any purchases until you have at least 50 items in your store. Well, it'll take me forever to get to 50, but I'd like to create a lot of options and list them.
- I need a bigger audience. I need to find a way to spread word about the charity to the people it matters most to. I'll probably be contacting other miscarriage/baby loss charities to ask if they'd be willing to help with this.
- I need to figure out EXACTLY what's going into the comfort packets besides the angel. I'd like to have a card that has a comforting bible verse on it for those struggling, a few business cards to be handed out, and maybe one or two other things. I'm going to look around at what others that are gone now once offered. They need to be inexpensive, but a nice added touch.
I think the rest is done. Paypal set up, two emails set up (one for main and one for donations), website finished (I even replaced all the pictures that only had logos in them with actual angel pics now), facebook page up, logo finalized, a baby for each catagory made and photographed, etsy account made, twitter done, pinterest done, pretty much every way to get the word out on the internet has an account and has been worked on.
Phew, I've been super busy in the last two weeks! This doesn't include the fact that I decided to also start writing again, and have spent every minute not already accounted for by children, cooking, housecleaning and charity stuff, on writing. I wake up at 5:30 AM, start writing around 6 AM and spend 1-2 hours on charity and writing, then work on it as I can throughout the day, then it's the last thing I do at night. Repeat, repeat, repeat. And yet I'm super energetic and excited every day now!
Thursday, April 21, 2016
First Angel Prototype
Here it is! The big step I've been so eager to make in my charity.
My very first angel!
This is just a prototype, it's not even baked hard yet. I'm still trying to figure out which positions I want the wings to be in, how big I want the wings, and where I want them to end.
The baby mold came early, it was supposed to get here today but instead arrived yesterday morning. I immediately tore it open and got to work. The kids loved watching it, and were obsessed with the little baby.
I packed the mold full of clay, then put it in the freezer for about two hours. It really wasn't very hard yet, but I was too eager to see so I did my best to pop it out. Getting the big head out of the little head section is akin to watching someone give birth! But even with it only being somewhat cold, it still finally came out.
There were a few bumps and scratches from this, but I was able to smooth out each one. Once that was done, I couldn't wait for the wings to freeze, and they were even less done than the baby. I started cutting them and placing them in all different ways, and the details got touched out by the end. When I do this professionally, I'll have to control myself and actually allow the correct times to pass on each mold.
While it's not perfect yet, and no little extra embellishments have been added, I am totally in love with this little baby. He's the absolute perfect size, he's exactly the length of my palm and looks so adorably cradled in it. It's exactly what I was dreaming of - a baby that would fit so comfortably and would have a light but noticable weight.
Most of the clay angel babies I've found being sold are half the size of this. They're so dinky. This is big and solid.
I nearly cheaped out and bought a lesser mold, one that most sellers use (only $9 instead of $30, just like the cheaper wings were only $3 but I had to get the $8.50 ones!), but I finally realized that it just wouldn't do. They were nice, but they weren't what I was envisioning. I wanted amazing, not just nice. I wanted the big size and the amazing detail.
I'm so happy with this baby. I can't wait to get more clay and start playing with designs! This is my basic angel and will probably end up being close to what my Jamie style will be. But I'm eager to try out the Elizabeth style, with little flowers and pearls and hairbands, and my Jesse style, with blue tipped wings and hats. Hopefully it won't take too much time to get enough money to buy some mohair and be able to give these babies super realistic newborn hair.
But for now, bald is obviously beautiful!
My very first angel!
This is just a prototype, it's not even baked hard yet. I'm still trying to figure out which positions I want the wings to be in, how big I want the wings, and where I want them to end.
The baby mold came early, it was supposed to get here today but instead arrived yesterday morning. I immediately tore it open and got to work. The kids loved watching it, and were obsessed with the little baby.
I packed the mold full of clay, then put it in the freezer for about two hours. It really wasn't very hard yet, but I was too eager to see so I did my best to pop it out. Getting the big head out of the little head section is akin to watching someone give birth! But even with it only being somewhat cold, it still finally came out.
There were a few bumps and scratches from this, but I was able to smooth out each one. Once that was done, I couldn't wait for the wings to freeze, and they were even less done than the baby. I started cutting them and placing them in all different ways, and the details got touched out by the end. When I do this professionally, I'll have to control myself and actually allow the correct times to pass on each mold.
While it's not perfect yet, and no little extra embellishments have been added, I am totally in love with this little baby. He's the absolute perfect size, he's exactly the length of my palm and looks so adorably cradled in it. It's exactly what I was dreaming of - a baby that would fit so comfortably and would have a light but noticable weight.
Most of the clay angel babies I've found being sold are half the size of this. They're so dinky. This is big and solid.
I nearly cheaped out and bought a lesser mold, one that most sellers use (only $9 instead of $30, just like the cheaper wings were only $3 but I had to get the $8.50 ones!), but I finally realized that it just wouldn't do. They were nice, but they weren't what I was envisioning. I wanted amazing, not just nice. I wanted the big size and the amazing detail.
I'm so happy with this baby. I can't wait to get more clay and start playing with designs! This is my basic angel and will probably end up being close to what my Jamie style will be. But I'm eager to try out the Elizabeth style, with little flowers and pearls and hairbands, and my Jesse style, with blue tipped wings and hats. Hopefully it won't take too much time to get enough money to buy some mohair and be able to give these babies super realistic newborn hair.
But for now, bald is obviously beautiful!
Monday, April 18, 2016
Weekend and Checklist continued.
This weekend was very. busy for us. It was emotionally taxing as well. I spent Friday and Saturday packing some of my best baby things, many of the clothing still had tags on them and many of the items were never used. Sunday I set up a beautiful stand at the flea market. I priced everything pretty low so that I wouldn't have to do this twice with my favorite items (I still have LOTS of baby stuff to get rid of, this was only about 1/4 of the stuff I have) and most of it I watched walk off one by one. It was like little splinters in my heart each time. I watched my Moses Basket, which I had so loved and was so thrilled to get, walk off. And the teddy bear pack and play that I have many pictures of baby Katie using, where she took her naps and played. Her little Disney Princess pony went, many of the baby outfits for the next baby and from Katie's babyhood went. The adorable pink snow suit and winter jacket set. It was very rough. Being $60 richer doesn't soothe as much as I was hoping it would. Next time comes out all of the baby clothing, the bouncers, the swings, the cosleeper, the exersaucer, etc.
However, I did find time this weekend to continue working on the charity check list.
However, I did find time this weekend to continue working on the charity check list.
$40 for the molds- $35 for the flesh clay start up
- My own examples and pictures to show (I've begun working on this! The angel wings came on Saturday, so I've been working on them with different colors. The baby mold is being shipped today, I'm so very eager for it to get here!)
A website that lets me have a page for order forms as well as a message pageA paypal for just the charityI made up a new email and started a personal paypal to begin with. I can upgrade it to a business one if needed, but for now I'd rather keep things simple.- Tax information about running a charity
A Facebook Pageand marketing itA name for the charityAn email for charity use - probably a gmail one?- Get business cards made to mail with the angels (all designed, just waiting for funds)
Decide on how many angels to list
Get a store front- I set up an Etsy store and will do a Storenvy store today, since I'm still unsure of which one I'll go with. I like Storenvy's set up and being completely free much better, but I know more people are comfortable with Etsy and there's a better reach there.ADDING TO THE LIST: Look into stickers with the logo and angel names on them to put on the flat bottom of each angel. Looking to cashing in some of the $20 free Shutterfly coupons I've gotten lately!All the stickers I can find won't fit on the bottom of an angel, but I'm still looking into it to put on the box.- Finding perfect, short bible verse to go with the charity - something about comforting
For the bible verse, these are the ones I'm narrowing down from:
When I thought 'My Foot Slips' your steadfast love, oh Lord, held me up. Psalm 94:18
The Lord is near to the broken hearted and He saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 43:18
I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4
Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you - Hebrews 13:5
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you - Isaiah 43:2
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Charity Checklist
I've been (slightly obsessively) working on my charity project over the last few days. So far, it's going quite well. I've been surveying people for ideas and names, constantly fine tuning the new website, talking to sellers of molds to decide on the best one for my needs, and creating all the online things I need. This was my list from the other post a few days ago, updated:
$40 for the moldsI FINALLY decided, after lots of talking to the seller who actually created the special baby mold to make sure it would work best and the copyright laws on it would not affect what I'm trying to do, to go with the best instead of the affordable. I also upgraded the mold for the wings to get ones that are a bit bigger and more detailed, so both molds will be here by next week. I spent money I was planning to use for Katie's party decorations (both ballet recital and birthday) but I'll have to use money I was saving for a vacation on those things. If I wait until I have extra paypal money, this charity will never launch and I need some time with the molds and clay to perfect my look.- $35 for the flesh clay start up (I found out this will get me 3 lbs of flesh colored clay, which will be about enough for one month of requests. I won't know until I see just how much the mold requires. I'll also need a little more than this for the white clay for the wings. But...all I have right now is a small amount of flesh clay and white, which will be my practice. (originally it was supposed to be for sculpting our family out of clay, but that's gonna be pushed to the back burner for now. I started sculpting for my angels, not for the cute little projects I dream up!)
- My own examples and pictures to show (should have next week)
A website that lets me have a page for order forms as well as a message page(after days of figuring out how to do an order form that doesn't require me to pay so that the order form can accept paypal links, I've FINALLY figured it out and have the website ready to publish! This was a HUGE step and was very time consuming.)- A paypal for just the charity (I made half of a business account, realized I wasn't sure if I liked it or not and stopped. Now I"m trying to figure out if I want to continue the business way that allows for more types of payments, or just make a second personal one.)
- Tax information about running a charity
A Facebook Pageand marketing it- A Wordpress blog for the charity (Deciding on how necessary this one is still! I could just do the updates on FB)
A name for the charity(after finding out that Healing Heart Angels is already a loss charity as is Angelic Comforts, I defaulted to my last two and ultimately chose the voted favorite, Angel of Mine Charity)An email for charity use - probably a gmail one?- Get business cards made to mail with the angels (disappointed to find that vistaprint no longer offers free cards! I did manage to design my own card that I really like, so hopefully I can find the funds to get them. Luckily vistaprint does have some pretty good deals.)
Decide on how many angels to listBill and I came to the decision to fully recognize Jesse's twin now that we've had time to process and talk about it, so Jamie's name will also be included in the charity.- ADDING TO THE LIST: Look into stickers with the logo and angel names on them to put on the flat bottom of each angel. Looking to cashing in some of the $20 free Shutterfly coupons I've gotten lately!
So, I'm nearly there! All the biggest stuff is out of the way already. Now it's time for the little things and then getting to PLAY with the designs and take pictures to put up.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Jamie?
I have found a negative aspect to the charity. Which may not be negative in the long term, but it sucks right now.
With every angel that goes out, they will be in name of our angels. We'll have business cards with the name of the charity and they're have the names of our own baby loss angels.
This means that we finally have to decide about what happened in January.
There were two babies. Jesse was the one that got most of the attention because he was endangering me. But I spoke with multiple doctors including the head of high risk, and they found a baby in my uterus, which was growing over a period of days and was measuring exactly on time. They were looking at a baby so they said the bleeding was probably not from an ectopic but instead the rupture. However with the baby measuring exactly on time, they couldn't figure out why my numbers were so, so much higher than they should be. About double the normal and constantly going up more rapidly than expected.
After visiting the high risk doctor, who told me the sac shape meant it could be an unhealthy pregnancy that my body was going to get rid of or it could fix itself and get better, I bled heavily for two days with a lot of pain. They did another ultrasound the day after the heavy bleeding stopped and the sac was gone. This was done by a very unacknowledgable ultrasound tech who, we found out later, missed seeing A LOT, and doctors who were just part of the office. These were not the heads of their departments or highly recommended. Now that the sac was gone, they said it might not have been a baby after all and dismissed it as a possible fluid sac that the good doctors read wrong. But they couldn't explain why my numbers were so high. Even with an ectopic, the numbers were very rare and much higher than an ectopic baby would produce alone. However with the threat of the now definite ectopic, whether that baby in my uterus had been a baby or not was no longer any of their concern and they never mentioned it again.
I can not be 100% certain because of that, but I have always felt in my heart that it was definitely a baby. Even when I wished it wasn't just to cause my heart less pain, I still had whispers of "you know that's your baby."
Originally, Jesse's name was Jamie. We named Jamie while looking at the ultrasound picture of the baby in my uterus. Two weeks later when they took the baby out of my tube, it didn't feel like a Jamie so we went with Jesse. But now I know that Jesse didn't feel like a Jamie because he wasn't Jamie. He was a separate baby from his twin.
The problem with this is having to acknowledge yet another loss. That when we lost our baby and my fertility, we lost more than that - we lost twins. We lost Jesse and Jamie. It's something that weighed heavily on me, whether to acknowledge the baby we lost while waiting to lose another, when the many doctors who only saw me at random parts of my stays couldn't completely agree or just didn't care. Do we ignore our other baby just in case one or two doctors were wrong? Or do we go with the Heads of their departments, who saw me from beginning and middle, who claimed that baby for what it was?
If I'm doing acts of service and acknowledging all of our angels in the process, I want to come to a decision once and for all. I don't think I can ever silence the whispers inside that talk of Jamie by name, that remember that ultrasound picture and that time with the high risk doctor telling me about the baby for a half hour.
I'm leaving it up to Bill about whether to call our loss just by Jesse's name or not. He wasn't there during the high risk doctor appointment, but he heard all about it. He has a good sense for these things. I'm curious to see what his feelings and thoughts are, and how to approach this and exactly what we'll do from here in other aspects outside of the charity. It's a lot to think about, and none of it feels good. It hurts to think we lost two babies at once, twins that are all I want now. But it's just as hard to not think about a baby that we may be ignoring.
With every angel that goes out, they will be in name of our angels. We'll have business cards with the name of the charity and they're have the names of our own baby loss angels.
This means that we finally have to decide about what happened in January.
There were two babies. Jesse was the one that got most of the attention because he was endangering me. But I spoke with multiple doctors including the head of high risk, and they found a baby in my uterus, which was growing over a period of days and was measuring exactly on time. They were looking at a baby so they said the bleeding was probably not from an ectopic but instead the rupture. However with the baby measuring exactly on time, they couldn't figure out why my numbers were so, so much higher than they should be. About double the normal and constantly going up more rapidly than expected.
After visiting the high risk doctor, who told me the sac shape meant it could be an unhealthy pregnancy that my body was going to get rid of or it could fix itself and get better, I bled heavily for two days with a lot of pain. They did another ultrasound the day after the heavy bleeding stopped and the sac was gone. This was done by a very unacknowledgable ultrasound tech who, we found out later, missed seeing A LOT, and doctors who were just part of the office. These were not the heads of their departments or highly recommended. Now that the sac was gone, they said it might not have been a baby after all and dismissed it as a possible fluid sac that the good doctors read wrong. But they couldn't explain why my numbers were so high. Even with an ectopic, the numbers were very rare and much higher than an ectopic baby would produce alone. However with the threat of the now definite ectopic, whether that baby in my uterus had been a baby or not was no longer any of their concern and they never mentioned it again.
I can not be 100% certain because of that, but I have always felt in my heart that it was definitely a baby. Even when I wished it wasn't just to cause my heart less pain, I still had whispers of "you know that's your baby."
Originally, Jesse's name was Jamie. We named Jamie while looking at the ultrasound picture of the baby in my uterus. Two weeks later when they took the baby out of my tube, it didn't feel like a Jamie so we went with Jesse. But now I know that Jesse didn't feel like a Jamie because he wasn't Jamie. He was a separate baby from his twin.
The problem with this is having to acknowledge yet another loss. That when we lost our baby and my fertility, we lost more than that - we lost twins. We lost Jesse and Jamie. It's something that weighed heavily on me, whether to acknowledge the baby we lost while waiting to lose another, when the many doctors who only saw me at random parts of my stays couldn't completely agree or just didn't care. Do we ignore our other baby just in case one or two doctors were wrong? Or do we go with the Heads of their departments, who saw me from beginning and middle, who claimed that baby for what it was?
If I'm doing acts of service and acknowledging all of our angels in the process, I want to come to a decision once and for all. I don't think I can ever silence the whispers inside that talk of Jamie by name, that remember that ultrasound picture and that time with the high risk doctor telling me about the baby for a half hour.
I'm leaving it up to Bill about whether to call our loss just by Jesse's name or not. He wasn't there during the high risk doctor appointment, but he heard all about it. He has a good sense for these things. I'm curious to see what his feelings and thoughts are, and how to approach this and exactly what we'll do from here in other aspects outside of the charity. It's a lot to think about, and none of it feels good. It hurts to think we lost two babies at once, twins that are all I want now. But it's just as hard to not think about a baby that we may be ignoring.
Monday, April 11, 2016
April 6th differences
April 6th kinda sucked this year.
Other years, it was something to celebrate. The year we lost Elizabeth, April 6th was when we were surprised with our rainbow.
This year, it was a reminder that a rainbow isn't coming this time. It was a reminder that there is no baby to save us from our sorrows of loss. There's no happiness of a new beginning of life to focus on. It was a rocky day for me.
So once again, I look upon my blessings to get me through, especially the ones that pertain to this.
I'm blessed with someone who is completely like minded in how to handle this situation. Every step, every plan, every thought matches up. Every sorrow, every fear, every pain is the same as well. It's nice to know that there's someone right there, holding your hand, feeling the same pain and hopes for the future as you.
I'm blessed to have children already. I'm blessed that I had four brand new lives that were all ours that once lived in me, no matter for how long. I'm blessed to have a husband that tenderly kisses my belly or rests his hand over it and whispers that this is where his miracle children came from and how wonderful it is.
I'm blessed with two perfect and healthy kids. I have a lot of anxiety about them and their health, but so far it's all for naught. They are wonderful and healthy and growing wonderfully.
I'm blessed to know that my journey isn't over unless I choose it to be. Yes, it'll be harder to make another miracle happen. We'll need the help of outside sources, medicines, and doctors to make it happen. But it CAN happen. We CAN produce more children, I can have more pregnancies, we can have hope. That's a lot more than some women can say post cancer, post ectopics and miscarriages, and who are infertile. Our journey is over when we say it is. And yes, we may not get to do it because of finances, but there is still hope that we can find ways around that too. Hope is anything but dead.
Post miscarriage and fertility, we've been blessed with plans. Some plans have already shut their doors on us, but others have opened. There will need to be sacrifices, but we have chances to see dreams fulfilled that we never thought we would. We have options to take our lives in ways that didn't seem possible before. It's like a whole new world was revealed to us this year, and we're slowly getting courage to look at the window at it, to open the door and take a step or two out. There's so much to take in, we don't know which way to walk down first. We're a little overwhelmed with figuring out which direction is the right one and which one will lead us to what's most important. There's so many details, so many things we want, and it's a little hard to prioritize, especially when the things that are most important are the most unreachable and and the furthest away. What will get us there faster and smarter? What do we want to do before others are achieved?
Currently, a few of our plans are these:
Officially get my license. Not just driving with a permit. Get a license, and then work on getting a second car.
Both of us graduate college. Bill may get his for free, but he has a least two years to get his bachelors. I won't get mine for free, but I should only need one semester. However, that semester includes in person training for 6 months and most of our babysitters are moving away from us.
We want Bill to get a job that he can stay in. Right now he's been bouncing around from job to job in the same company. None of them are right, none of them fit. There have been jobs where he made really good money, but they were terrible on his body. He would come home with terrible burns, heat blisters, his elbows and back in pain, his fingers crushed and nearly taken off, cuts and scars and soaked in lead. He now has a safe job, but it barely pays the bills. There's no chance in us ever getting ahead. We have no emergency fund, no savings. We'll never be able to fulfill our dreams. And all the jobs in between were just more of the same. The only way, it seems, to get him a job he can make good money and isn't unsafe is with a bachelor's degree.
We want to move. We want out of this area, out of this state. But I have no idea where this fits in. It won't be this year. We originally wanted next year, but now we may stay in the area until he can get his degree and maybe for IVF if we're able to do that.
We obviously want to try IVF. But that's a long term, down the road thing. Obviously a few things have to happen first - we have to either be able to afford it, or have another job that covers it. We need to know where we're going to live during that time, if we'll still be in this area or if we want to move before then. There's a lot of stuff that has to happen that may lead up to this...or it may not. We have no idea yet if IVF will become available to us or not. It's part of the reason why we're taking steps, but we're taking them slowly. We want to move in the direction of IVF, but it's not something we can see yet, so we're unsure of which direction it's in. We're going off of hope, faith and feeling.
Other years, it was something to celebrate. The year we lost Elizabeth, April 6th was when we were surprised with our rainbow.
This year, it was a reminder that a rainbow isn't coming this time. It was a reminder that there is no baby to save us from our sorrows of loss. There's no happiness of a new beginning of life to focus on. It was a rocky day for me.
So once again, I look upon my blessings to get me through, especially the ones that pertain to this.
I'm blessed with someone who is completely like minded in how to handle this situation. Every step, every plan, every thought matches up. Every sorrow, every fear, every pain is the same as well. It's nice to know that there's someone right there, holding your hand, feeling the same pain and hopes for the future as you.
I'm blessed to have children already. I'm blessed that I had four brand new lives that were all ours that once lived in me, no matter for how long. I'm blessed to have a husband that tenderly kisses my belly or rests his hand over it and whispers that this is where his miracle children came from and how wonderful it is.
I'm blessed with two perfect and healthy kids. I have a lot of anxiety about them and their health, but so far it's all for naught. They are wonderful and healthy and growing wonderfully.
I'm blessed to know that my journey isn't over unless I choose it to be. Yes, it'll be harder to make another miracle happen. We'll need the help of outside sources, medicines, and doctors to make it happen. But it CAN happen. We CAN produce more children, I can have more pregnancies, we can have hope. That's a lot more than some women can say post cancer, post ectopics and miscarriages, and who are infertile. Our journey is over when we say it is. And yes, we may not get to do it because of finances, but there is still hope that we can find ways around that too. Hope is anything but dead.
Post miscarriage and fertility, we've been blessed with plans. Some plans have already shut their doors on us, but others have opened. There will need to be sacrifices, but we have chances to see dreams fulfilled that we never thought we would. We have options to take our lives in ways that didn't seem possible before. It's like a whole new world was revealed to us this year, and we're slowly getting courage to look at the window at it, to open the door and take a step or two out. There's so much to take in, we don't know which way to walk down first. We're a little overwhelmed with figuring out which direction is the right one and which one will lead us to what's most important. There's so many details, so many things we want, and it's a little hard to prioritize, especially when the things that are most important are the most unreachable and and the furthest away. What will get us there faster and smarter? What do we want to do before others are achieved?
Currently, a few of our plans are these:
Officially get my license. Not just driving with a permit. Get a license, and then work on getting a second car.
Both of us graduate college. Bill may get his for free, but he has a least two years to get his bachelors. I won't get mine for free, but I should only need one semester. However, that semester includes in person training for 6 months and most of our babysitters are moving away from us.
We want Bill to get a job that he can stay in. Right now he's been bouncing around from job to job in the same company. None of them are right, none of them fit. There have been jobs where he made really good money, but they were terrible on his body. He would come home with terrible burns, heat blisters, his elbows and back in pain, his fingers crushed and nearly taken off, cuts and scars and soaked in lead. He now has a safe job, but it barely pays the bills. There's no chance in us ever getting ahead. We have no emergency fund, no savings. We'll never be able to fulfill our dreams. And all the jobs in between were just more of the same. The only way, it seems, to get him a job he can make good money and isn't unsafe is with a bachelor's degree.
We want to move. We want out of this area, out of this state. But I have no idea where this fits in. It won't be this year. We originally wanted next year, but now we may stay in the area until he can get his degree and maybe for IVF if we're able to do that.
We obviously want to try IVF. But that's a long term, down the road thing. Obviously a few things have to happen first - we have to either be able to afford it, or have another job that covers it. We need to know where we're going to live during that time, if we'll still be in this area or if we want to move before then. There's a lot of stuff that has to happen that may lead up to this...or it may not. We have no idea yet if IVF will become available to us or not. It's part of the reason why we're taking steps, but we're taking them slowly. We want to move in the direction of IVF, but it's not something we can see yet, so we're unsure of which direction it's in. We're going off of hope, faith and feeling.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
God Exists
We named our baby Jesse because we could both see it as a gender neutral name (except in spelling!). We eventually felt like Jesse was a boy, because we constantly called him he when we were trying to keep neutral. Before we lost the baby, Bill said he felt like it was probably a boy.
We named him Jesse while lost in grief. I never looked up information on the name like I usually do. I remember the day I realized that Elizabeth meant God's Daughter. I found out right after we lost her. She truly belonged to God.
Today I looked up Jesse's name. Jesse means God Exists.
How interesting. Through the last few months, we've struggled, we've cried, we've been in anguish and agony. We've doubted our religion, but we've never doubted God. We prayed together and we prayed alone, seeking out God and His answers. I still don't know His answers. As the days go by, they become even more confusing. As doors we thought were wide open close, I get a little more lost. I've felt lost a lot lately.
But God Exists. The baby we lost, the reason we're going through this hell, left so little behind. But the name, the only name we could instantly agree on, says so much.
He exists. He's there, on the other end of our prayers. He has a plan for us and a way to make this better. He will see us through this.
That's something I can hold onto.
We named him Jesse while lost in grief. I never looked up information on the name like I usually do. I remember the day I realized that Elizabeth meant God's Daughter. I found out right after we lost her. She truly belonged to God.
Today I looked up Jesse's name. Jesse means God Exists.
How interesting. Through the last few months, we've struggled, we've cried, we've been in anguish and agony. We've doubted our religion, but we've never doubted God. We prayed together and we prayed alone, seeking out God and His answers. I still don't know His answers. As the days go by, they become even more confusing. As doors we thought were wide open close, I get a little more lost. I've felt lost a lot lately.
But God Exists. The baby we lost, the reason we're going through this hell, left so little behind. But the name, the only name we could instantly agree on, says so much.
He exists. He's there, on the other end of our prayers. He has a plan for us and a way to make this better. He will see us through this.
That's something I can hold onto.
Charity
I'm thinking of opening a charity.
Well, this is something I've been thinking about for the last 3 years, but now I'm seriously getting close to opening one.
I found what I want to do, something relatively low in cost, small and light to ship, and something that won't take a lot of time to make. I'm looking into opening a FB page, website and blog for it. I have no idea what the name will be yet, but I'm working on it.
I'll be making little clay baked angels that look like something like this:
I'm guessing each 4 inch angel will take about one 2 oz block of clay, which costs about $3. I'm guessing shipping materials and cost will be about $4. Right now, the only baby loss charity that has survived for more than one year is a charity that asks for each person to pay their own shipping. Since I have no money to give hundreds of angels away and I can't count on donations, I'll probably ask $6 for each order, which I think is a low and fair price, one that I won't make any money from and will just go towards the cost.
Each angel will be made from a baby mold and a wing mold, then further sculpted, dressed, and put together. Each one shouldn't take much more than one hour. The successful charity I'm modeling my own charity off of takes 50 orders a month and gets all those orders in within 4 hours of opening the forms. They have a team of 3-4 working on them. 50 hours over the span of a whole month shouldn't be too rough for just me doing it. I could test run my first month at 25.
In order to get this together, I need:
Well, this is something I've been thinking about for the last 3 years, but now I'm seriously getting close to opening one.
I found what I want to do, something relatively low in cost, small and light to ship, and something that won't take a lot of time to make. I'm looking into opening a FB page, website and blog for it. I have no idea what the name will be yet, but I'm working on it.
I'll be making little clay baked angels that look like something like this:
I'm guessing each 4 inch angel will take about one 2 oz block of clay, which costs about $3. I'm guessing shipping materials and cost will be about $4. Right now, the only baby loss charity that has survived for more than one year is a charity that asks for each person to pay their own shipping. Since I have no money to give hundreds of angels away and I can't count on donations, I'll probably ask $6 for each order, which I think is a low and fair price, one that I won't make any money from and will just go towards the cost.
Each angel will be made from a baby mold and a wing mold, then further sculpted, dressed, and put together. Each one shouldn't take much more than one hour. The successful charity I'm modeling my own charity off of takes 50 orders a month and gets all those orders in within 4 hours of opening the forms. They have a team of 3-4 working on them. 50 hours over the span of a whole month shouldn't be too rough for just me doing it. I could test run my first month at 25.
In order to get this together, I need:
- $40 for the molds
- $30 for the flesh clay start up
- My own examples and pictures to show
- A website that lets me have a page for order forms as well as a message page
- A paypal for just the charity
- Tax information about running a charity
- A Facebook Page and marketing it
- A Wordpress blog for the charity
- A name for the charity
- An email for charity use - probably a gmail one?
- Get business cards made to mail with the angels
I'm not sure how long it'll take to get all of this finished. I'd like to launch it by Jesse's due date, which was September 17th. I feel like that is quite doable, so September is my goal. Until then, I'll be trying to gather the money, making samples, and setting up everything. That leaves me with about three months to get the work done and one month to spread the word to launch in the month of September. The money will definitely be the only hitch, I have no start up funds at the moment, but hopefully with selling some of the baby stuff, I'll get a few dollars together. Right now everything I made has gone towards funding Katie's ballet and her birthday as our budget is cut so thin right now that it can't come out of the bank. Trying to open a charity when we've fallen a bit into a charity case ourselves this year! I'm sure I'll be able to find a way for a worthy cause.
Friday, April 1, 2016
17 weeks....or not.
My posts are fewer lately, as I try to focus on other things. I do my best to not think about IVF, or if my future holds our Vincent or not. We talk about it weekly, but there's no answers to be found right now. The only thing we know is if it becomes possible and available to us, we'll at least try. But it might not become available, and we may be done having children. Two may be our number chosen for us.
Still, there's some things that are possible to get away from. Sometimes I look down at my flat belly and know it would be getting pretty huge by now. Today, I'd turn 17 weeks. We'd almost be reaching the halfway point. We'd be able to find out the gender soon, if I folded and couldn't wait until birth.
Instead, I've sold my favorite, expensive strollers and all of my maternity clothing. I've been sorting through and trying to sell the totes after giant totes full to the brim of baby clothing for every season. I put up for sale my co-sleeper, the one thing I didn't think I could get rid of, because it seems like a silly thing to hold onto with a future so unclear. Sure, there will be a few things I can't get rid of. The white lamb that's so cuddly and was supposed to be for the next baby. The little pirate bear sweater that I bought because it fit Vincent's theme so well. The little purple and pink fuzzy dinosaur sleeper I couldn't wait to cuddle a baby in. I'll keep a small box full of my hopes and dreams, but there's an overwhelming amount to get rid of yet.
It's hard to look at my belly and know how round it would be, how I'd be rubbing it and excited to be feeling all those kicks and hiccups. How my husband would be laying his head against it, talking to our new baby. These are the things that hurt the most. Knowing that none of those things may ever happen again. I enjoyed every moment of them...never knowing that I wouldn't get it again, that things would change so much.
Still, there's some things that are possible to get away from. Sometimes I look down at my flat belly and know it would be getting pretty huge by now. Today, I'd turn 17 weeks. We'd almost be reaching the halfway point. We'd be able to find out the gender soon, if I folded and couldn't wait until birth.
Instead, I've sold my favorite, expensive strollers and all of my maternity clothing. I've been sorting through and trying to sell the totes after giant totes full to the brim of baby clothing for every season. I put up for sale my co-sleeper, the one thing I didn't think I could get rid of, because it seems like a silly thing to hold onto with a future so unclear. Sure, there will be a few things I can't get rid of. The white lamb that's so cuddly and was supposed to be for the next baby. The little pirate bear sweater that I bought because it fit Vincent's theme so well. The little purple and pink fuzzy dinosaur sleeper I couldn't wait to cuddle a baby in. I'll keep a small box full of my hopes and dreams, but there's an overwhelming amount to get rid of yet.
It's hard to look at my belly and know how round it would be, how I'd be rubbing it and excited to be feeling all those kicks and hiccups. How my husband would be laying his head against it, talking to our new baby. These are the things that hurt the most. Knowing that none of those things may ever happen again. I enjoyed every moment of them...never knowing that I wouldn't get it again, that things would change so much.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
The Two Worlds of my Infertility
I feel so constantly torn.
How do you know when to fight for what you want, to not just give up...or when you should just let go?
How do you find that line?
I'm trying to do both and it's hard. I'm trying to let it go "for now". I'm trying to move on, to make myself accept that this may be all the family I get, that my baby days may be over, that I may never see my body pregnant again, the last pregnancy unknowingly my last.
At the same time, I have to lay foundations. I have to allow that door to stay open a crack, with potential that it can open wide one day. In order to do that, I can't let go completely. I have to fight companies to give us another interview. I have to fight against other people trying to get the jobs. I have to fight myself over what to get rid of and what I know I'll regret getting rid of later if we do have another. I have to fight between staying at our home and saving money or moving to where we may be able to make more money but start with nothing.
It's not some mythical being that I'm mourning. I'm mourning my Vincent. I said for two years that it felt like we had another little boy, our little Vincent, already part of our family and just waiting to arrive. I've always felt like he was meant to be. Bill has felt it too, felt like there's this baby that's ours, who already has a name and a family he's waiting to join. He's not just any baby, he's a baby that's meant to come from me, grow from me, birthed by me...but my body isn't capable of that on it's own. It's why this is so confusing. I still feel him, I still feel like he's supposed to be here. How can I give up on my little boy whose just not here yet? How can I not fight for him?
Fighting for him means pain, it means planning, it means not letting go. But letting go means I'll always miss him, I'll always feel incomplete, I'll always feel like a failure of a mother for not even trying when things got hard.
So I'm torn, constantly torn.
I try to live both worlds, a world of hope and a world of freedom. It's internal struggle, but it's something. I feel like every step I make, I have to make it for both worlds, but at least it's a step. I may need to tread carefully, but at least I'm moving. It's just so much thought and weight that goes into every breath I take and every move I make. It's hard.
How do you know when to fight for what you want, to not just give up...or when you should just let go?
How do you find that line?
I'm trying to do both and it's hard. I'm trying to let it go "for now". I'm trying to move on, to make myself accept that this may be all the family I get, that my baby days may be over, that I may never see my body pregnant again, the last pregnancy unknowingly my last.
At the same time, I have to lay foundations. I have to allow that door to stay open a crack, with potential that it can open wide one day. In order to do that, I can't let go completely. I have to fight companies to give us another interview. I have to fight against other people trying to get the jobs. I have to fight myself over what to get rid of and what I know I'll regret getting rid of later if we do have another. I have to fight between staying at our home and saving money or moving to where we may be able to make more money but start with nothing.
It's not some mythical being that I'm mourning. I'm mourning my Vincent. I said for two years that it felt like we had another little boy, our little Vincent, already part of our family and just waiting to arrive. I've always felt like he was meant to be. Bill has felt it too, felt like there's this baby that's ours, who already has a name and a family he's waiting to join. He's not just any baby, he's a baby that's meant to come from me, grow from me, birthed by me...but my body isn't capable of that on it's own. It's why this is so confusing. I still feel him, I still feel like he's supposed to be here. How can I give up on my little boy whose just not here yet? How can I not fight for him?
Fighting for him means pain, it means planning, it means not letting go. But letting go means I'll always miss him, I'll always feel incomplete, I'll always feel like a failure of a mother for not even trying when things got hard.
So I'm torn, constantly torn.
I try to live both worlds, a world of hope and a world of freedom. It's internal struggle, but it's something. I feel like every step I make, I have to make it for both worlds, but at least it's a step. I may need to tread carefully, but at least I'm moving. It's just so much thought and weight that goes into every breath I take and every move I make. It's hard.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Easing up
I've been in tears for days. It's like there are three parts of me: my physical body, my mental state and my emotional state, and I can only occupy one at a time. My emotional state was the most demanding lately. It makes my body cry when I don't even know why I'm crying. It makes me not have any appetite and almost be repulsed by the idea of having to go eat. It makes me drained, my heart ache, my smile lost. I had insomnia so badly all of January, and it's been back for the last week.
Today has been a bit better. I've switched gears. Last night, I cried and had no idea why until the tears stopped and my mind shut off. I felt completely aware of nothing but inside of my body. Today, I've felt down but no particular reason why. But now, I'm in my mental state. My tears are gone. I'm not sad. My brain is talking to me again, instead of just crying.
While in this state, I think I've finally started to accept my situation. I think through all the crying, even without understanding, and all the mourning of what's happened, acceptance has slowly creeped in.
I've been so stressed to find Bill a new job. Not just any job, but a job with insurance that covers infertility - a rare thing to find in PA. I've been filling out applications, sending out resumes and answering emails for two weeks. I've wished him good luck on interviews, set out his suit, and spent lots of time praying that he'd get the job. No job has happened yet.
Today the stress is gone. The drive is gone. I still want him to get a new job because right now he's working 7 days a week to make ends meet, but I'm willing to look at other jobs. Jobs that are good, even if they don't cover ivf.
I think I'm starting to pry ivf from my grip and let it go a bit. I still 100% pray that we can do it. I still, with all of my heart, want another baby. But I'm letting the rushing go. I'm letting the need to make sure it happens go. I'm letting go of trying to have everything right this second so that I don't need to grieve and feel the loss that we've suffered.
I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. For so long, I could only think of the downside when I thought of having two kids. They're growing up so fast. So many plans unfufilled. So many fantasies of Katie with a sister and Will with a brother not coming true. But while I've had those thoughts, I've cried. I've hidden myself away from Katie and Will to mourn in my sadness and thereby missing out on them. I've been so stressed that I haven't stopped to really enjoy them. I've just been getting through the day, rushing through things, and not really slowing down and seeing what's in front of me.
I'm planning vacations with my perfect vacation sized family. I'm thinking about how special my relationship with Katie will be, with just us being the girls in the house. I think of how special my little sweet boy is to me, my cuddler, my hugger, the one that always watches his mommy. I'm thinking of the things we can afford for these two, all of the many extras and extra extras we can give them, and how much easier it would be to move.
If nothing else, it would be good to have a few years break between having kids. I'd love to have Will and Katie be a bit older now, I think, before having any others. A wait time before ivf might do good. That's a lot of extra time I get with my current kids and to make lots of fun memories and save up money for the next child/ren.
I can see good in having only two kids, even though my heart mourns to say so. I can see good in waiting to try ivf for another year or two or three. I can see good in taking back my life and starting to really live it again.
I'm going to try, really really try, to be happy again. To fill up my life with fun things, things that make me and my kids smile. I'm going to embrace my small little family like it's the only family we may ever have. I'll still pray that we get our chance to have more. I'll still pray that we get that job we need. I'll still pray that we'll get to have babies that fill our baby names.
But I'm going to calm down. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to still mourn my missing babies, but not try to feel better by rushing to get pregnant. I think a few days ago I shocked myself after realizing that even if I wasn't infertile, I wouldn't want to be getting pregnant right now. I don't think I could mentally handle it. It wouldn't be the time. So why push to ensure ivf so much right now? It's not the time.
This year is about getting our ducks in a row. It's about healing. It's about regrouping, and calming down and just trying to relax. We have a lot of work to do this year, but it'll be done better if it's done without trying to shove more things in it and more emotions driving it.
I pray that 2016 will ease up on my heart and help me to heal and to take it easy. I hope it shows more promise and lets us start seeing our steps fulfilled and our plans going into fruition. Then I hope 2017 will give us our heart's desires and let us start making our big dreams come true. But, one step at a time.
Today has been a bit better. I've switched gears. Last night, I cried and had no idea why until the tears stopped and my mind shut off. I felt completely aware of nothing but inside of my body. Today, I've felt down but no particular reason why. But now, I'm in my mental state. My tears are gone. I'm not sad. My brain is talking to me again, instead of just crying.
While in this state, I think I've finally started to accept my situation. I think through all the crying, even without understanding, and all the mourning of what's happened, acceptance has slowly creeped in.
I've been so stressed to find Bill a new job. Not just any job, but a job with insurance that covers infertility - a rare thing to find in PA. I've been filling out applications, sending out resumes and answering emails for two weeks. I've wished him good luck on interviews, set out his suit, and spent lots of time praying that he'd get the job. No job has happened yet.
Today the stress is gone. The drive is gone. I still want him to get a new job because right now he's working 7 days a week to make ends meet, but I'm willing to look at other jobs. Jobs that are good, even if they don't cover ivf.
I think I'm starting to pry ivf from my grip and let it go a bit. I still 100% pray that we can do it. I still, with all of my heart, want another baby. But I'm letting the rushing go. I'm letting the need to make sure it happens go. I'm letting go of trying to have everything right this second so that I don't need to grieve and feel the loss that we've suffered.
I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. For so long, I could only think of the downside when I thought of having two kids. They're growing up so fast. So many plans unfufilled. So many fantasies of Katie with a sister and Will with a brother not coming true. But while I've had those thoughts, I've cried. I've hidden myself away from Katie and Will to mourn in my sadness and thereby missing out on them. I've been so stressed that I haven't stopped to really enjoy them. I've just been getting through the day, rushing through things, and not really slowing down and seeing what's in front of me.
I'm planning vacations with my perfect vacation sized family. I'm thinking about how special my relationship with Katie will be, with just us being the girls in the house. I think of how special my little sweet boy is to me, my cuddler, my hugger, the one that always watches his mommy. I'm thinking of the things we can afford for these two, all of the many extras and extra extras we can give them, and how much easier it would be to move.
If nothing else, it would be good to have a few years break between having kids. I'd love to have Will and Katie be a bit older now, I think, before having any others. A wait time before ivf might do good. That's a lot of extra time I get with my current kids and to make lots of fun memories and save up money for the next child/ren.
I can see good in having only two kids, even though my heart mourns to say so. I can see good in waiting to try ivf for another year or two or three. I can see good in taking back my life and starting to really live it again.
I'm going to try, really really try, to be happy again. To fill up my life with fun things, things that make me and my kids smile. I'm going to embrace my small little family like it's the only family we may ever have. I'll still pray that we get our chance to have more. I'll still pray that we get that job we need. I'll still pray that we'll get to have babies that fill our baby names.
But I'm going to calm down. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to still mourn my missing babies, but not try to feel better by rushing to get pregnant. I think a few days ago I shocked myself after realizing that even if I wasn't infertile, I wouldn't want to be getting pregnant right now. I don't think I could mentally handle it. It wouldn't be the time. So why push to ensure ivf so much right now? It's not the time.
This year is about getting our ducks in a row. It's about healing. It's about regrouping, and calming down and just trying to relax. We have a lot of work to do this year, but it'll be done better if it's done without trying to shove more things in it and more emotions driving it.
I pray that 2016 will ease up on my heart and help me to heal and to take it easy. I hope it shows more promise and lets us start seeing our steps fulfilled and our plans going into fruition. Then I hope 2017 will give us our heart's desires and let us start making our big dreams come true. But, one step at a time.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Parting with Baby Items
Today was rough.
It was day #2 of going through baby clothes. 250 little onesies, sleepers, dresses, shirts, hats, teeny tiny socks, overalls and bibs. I sorted them into piles of Girl, Boy, Gender Neutral, Craft and Keep. The Girl, Boy and Gender Neutral ones all had to be buttoned, folded and taken pictures of to sell. It took an hour just to do that part. I filled a tote of my favorite outfits from Will and Katie. I spent about two hours looking into how to make quilts and teddy bears out of them.
Then there was a tiny pile. I allowed myself to keep less than ten outfits. Just the ones I love the most, the ones you don't really see in stores. The ones I would remember were missing if we have another baby. I'll be putting them into a small box, which will get stored in an attic closet. Most likely, they'll sit next to my Arms Reach Cosleeper, which I bargained for at 5 AM before the sun was even up last year, just because I wanted it so much for my next baby. Those two things will probably be all that remains of our baby stash, unless I can allow myself a stroller too. I do love strollers, and I have ones that cost over a thousand dollars individually.
Bringing up the cosleeper makes me sad in another way. I have no drive to go to yard sales anymore. I LOVE yard sales. Every year, I start getting that "itch" in February, that longing to wake up at 4 am each Saturday in April and May, armed with a baggie of quarters and a thin wallet with a few bills. I then spend morning to noon scouting out baby clothes, swings, bouncers, strollers...anything to do with babies or princess or Disney stuff. I then proudly lug it home and look over my little treasures.
No drive this year. No itch or longing. What is there to go for? All the great things I always have on my want list are scratched off, not needed anymore. What's the point?
Instead, this year I'll set up at a few yard sales and be selling those treasures, too many that never got to be used.
It was day #2 of going through baby clothes. 250 little onesies, sleepers, dresses, shirts, hats, teeny tiny socks, overalls and bibs. I sorted them into piles of Girl, Boy, Gender Neutral, Craft and Keep. The Girl, Boy and Gender Neutral ones all had to be buttoned, folded and taken pictures of to sell. It took an hour just to do that part. I filled a tote of my favorite outfits from Will and Katie. I spent about two hours looking into how to make quilts and teddy bears out of them.
Then there was a tiny pile. I allowed myself to keep less than ten outfits. Just the ones I love the most, the ones you don't really see in stores. The ones I would remember were missing if we have another baby. I'll be putting them into a small box, which will get stored in an attic closet. Most likely, they'll sit next to my Arms Reach Cosleeper, which I bargained for at 5 AM before the sun was even up last year, just because I wanted it so much for my next baby. Those two things will probably be all that remains of our baby stash, unless I can allow myself a stroller too. I do love strollers, and I have ones that cost over a thousand dollars individually.
Bringing up the cosleeper makes me sad in another way. I have no drive to go to yard sales anymore. I LOVE yard sales. Every year, I start getting that "itch" in February, that longing to wake up at 4 am each Saturday in April and May, armed with a baggie of quarters and a thin wallet with a few bills. I then spend morning to noon scouting out baby clothes, swings, bouncers, strollers...anything to do with babies or princess or Disney stuff. I then proudly lug it home and look over my little treasures.
No drive this year. No itch or longing. What is there to go for? All the great things I always have on my want list are scratched off, not needed anymore. What's the point?
Instead, this year I'll set up at a few yard sales and be selling those treasures, too many that never got to be used.
Monday, March 7, 2016
The ridding of baby items.
So today, I finally took the plunge and did it...
I sorted through baby clothing to get rid of.
I started with five totes, filled to the brim. Some were Katie's tiny girly clothing that was nothing but clothes in every shade of pink. Another was all of Will's clothes, all of my favorites. There was a gender neutral tote I was saving for baby #3, who was going to be our surprise gender baby. Another that held new baby girl clothing, full of beautiful boutique outfits waiting for the next daughter of my dreams to fill them. Then there were mixed boxes of different sizes and different seasons.
I limited them all down until I had one box that I wouldn't part with. About a third of it was clothing that has such great memories of Katie as a baby. Another third was the same for Will's clothing, all the one that were most memorable. These will be turned into a blanket and teddy bear for each child (and mostly, to be snuggled by me). Then the last third was clothing I couldn't part with, items that I had bought so specifically for the next baby that I couldn't bare to get rid of. They are my last hope of having a baby fill them. I made sure it was only a small amount, but I definitely couldn't limit them.
The other four totes will have pictures taken of them and sold, and that money will go into our IVF hopeful fund.
Tomorrow, I'm hoping to start digging out the strollers, bouncers, swings, and many of the big items we have stashed away for our next. I'll be taking pictures of them and listing them for sale as well.
I feel like each baby item holds a tiny piece of my heart, and selling each one is having a piece of my heart torn. But it makes no sense to hold onto so many items for the next few years. It takes up so much space, and we have no idea if we'll even get to use them again. It's only logical to get rid of what I can bare to part with now and just buy new items if we have the need to. It's just an emotional struggle. It's hard to be logical when your heart is broken. It's hard to think clearly when so many little dreams are dead. It's hard to give away items that were meant for a baby that is no longer here, that only fills my arms by the tiny stuffed animal we bought while pregnant.
Yet in a way, getting rid of baby things protects my heart. To not constantly have that reminder in front of me is a bit of help. To know that there isn't such huge amounts of wasted space, of life on hold, for things that are not being used and may never be used, is a kindness for my overloaded mind that can't handle more sadness.
So today, while I'm miserable and sad and grumpy anyway because I'm on week 6 of being sick (and had to get chest xrays and bloodwork done to check up on the whys of that), I started what I've been so very dreading. I shedded a few tears, cuddled a few fuzzy outfits and blankets, and got a good portion of baby stuff sorted.
With every item I put in the 'get rid of' box, I pray that we'll have another baby. I note my favorite brands or which stores I bought certain pieces at, and pray that I'll be able to go to those stores and buy them again.
I pray that one day, God will see fit to heal my heart and give us another baby that we so desire.
This isn't parting forever, dear baby items, this is just parting for now, I pray.
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