A review and look ahead.

I never attempted to hide that 2016 was a very difficult year for me. It was hell. It was hard. So many bad things happened. I struggled with depression and anxiety. I was in the hospital multiple times for reoccurring difficulties. In short, 2016, from it's very first day, SUCKED.

I thought 2016 would be a fun year. I had a blast in 2015, and at the end we started TTC for our next baby. I figured we'd have our #3 to bring home before the end of the year, and I'd spend '16 happily pregnant and enjoying life.

Then New Year's came and shattered everything. I was miscarrying. I was also having an ectopic. I was becoming permanently infertile. I needed surgery. I wouldn't be having my baby this year or any other year. IVF was an option that sounded nice but was so far out of our ability that it's a tease.

But before I can start looking at 2017, I have to look at the other side of things. How much has changed in only one year's time!

At this time last year, I was looking at having 2-4 more kids. I was focused on how we'd decorate the nursery next and which middle name we'd give to our next child and the one after that. I was trying to navigate through homeschooling while taking pregnancy into account. I wanted to move down south, but didn't know how while still having kids and so much baby stuff to tote down.

Now it's almost 2017. Babies are a fantasy, not an expectation. I have three giant sales and now barely own any baby stuff. There's a few swings I have to put together and list for sale yet and one box of "just in case" baby things tucked away. We changed our bedroom and the nursery now that a crib wasn't going to reside in either place anymore. We changed our downstairs: the kids are big enough to play by themselves upstairs, so downstairs looks more like a real house instead of kid central.

But beyond that, so much happened that I didn't expect. I'm a business owner of 9 months. I'm about to file it as a legally recognized business, not just another Etsy store. I'm going to become an officially licensed vendor and attempt selling to real places locally like hospital gift shops. I made money this year that really helped us out and helped over a hundred people who are in a similar situation as me.

I became a writer again. Having babies forced me to take a 5 year hiatus. I didn't enjoy the time off, and getting to write again has been such a release. I'm tackling my publishing dreams that I've had for twenty years. I'm looking at publishers and agents and writing like crazy. I'm friends with people at my library and love visiting.

I also became part of my community. The library, the church, volunteer work. I've lived in this town since I was 11 and never felt part of it. This year, we became active in everything from holiday events to parades to volunteering.

It was a horrible year, but a year for change and not all of those changes were bad. Some were actually good and a long time coming. While 2017 still holds fears for me, I'm going into it optimistic again. I'm focusing on me and my current family, instead of always looking towards future maybes. I'm taking what I have and I'm running with it, taking it as far as I can. I'm making dreams come true.

2017 I'll be finding agents. Bill will have gone through enough school to get a new, good job. I'll be writing and attempting publishing and being a business woman going to business meetings at hospitals and anywhere else I can find. 2015 me won't even recognize 2017 me but maybe that won't be such a bad thing. It's different and it's not better, but it's okay.

December

Ended up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. Again. For the same problem - large rupturing cysts that cause horrible pain.

This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.

I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.

Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.

I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.

Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.