January is still trying to curse me, unfortunately.
Today we got FMLA for Bill for when I have my problems and end up in the hospital. I had to go see my doctor to get the papers filled and I told him about how my ovary still is tender even after all this time since the last rupture, plus the fact that I had 4 ruptures last year.
On the papers, he listed that he may want to do an exploratory surgery.
This is hell for me. The thought of another surgery and of what they could find sends my carefully controlled anxiety through the roof in ways I can't handle. My husband told me about it and I instantly shut down - I became exhausted, my body felt heavy, and my heart raced. This was how I felt constantly all of 2016. Then my husband and I decided that we were going to try very hard to be positive and hopeful and 2017 has been full of energy and smiles. Then today happened and 2016 feelings reared their head again.
I'm praying that at the next appointment, my ultrasound looks good enough to not warrant going under again, another hospital stay, more belly scars. Hopefully, there will be enough improvement that we'll be able to take a more wait and see approach.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Januarys
I'll give it credit: 2017 gave me a hopeful, sweet start that I'm grateful for. I got an angel order every day for 8 days. Little things that kept going wrong became right. Just tiny, little signs littered my every day.
Week two is harder, but I can't blame 2017 for it. These are old wounds, inflicted in 2016 that are breaking open. It's hard to not think about every step of last year. Being in the hospital, fighting for my babies, losing them slowly, needing surgery. All the sobbing, the loss, the heartbreak.
I had to go back to the doctor's office yesterday to talk about paperwork. They had us wait in the waiting room for about a half hour. I couldn't take the memories it brought up. I sat there and cried. I had an anxiety attack. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my tears kept coming, and my breathing was erratic.
Knowing I have to go back there next month to look at what my ovary is doing isn't much of a help either.
I've chosen to be hopeful about this year. There's so much good that it has to offer.
My business grows each month. It's flourishing. I should have the money this year to make it an official business, get a vendor's license and start taking my angels local and into hospitals.
I'll be submitting books to agents and hopefully securing one or two so I can start my publishing career finally.
Bill is in school to get a new job, which he should have in September. There's a possibility that the one job we're hoping to get him (Godiva) will not only give us the money we need but also offers infertility treatments like IVF up to $30,000 lifetime - more than anywhere else in the area. It also offers adoption aid. We'll also be trying places like Uline again, which covers IVF and meds. As a last ditch effort, one of us will get a job at Starbucks, though they only cover 80%.
But that right there is quite a bit of hope. Multiple options of hope. Everything takes time and faith and that's what I'm riding on now. I'm trying to not get worked up, trying not to stress, trying to not have anxiety attacks so frequently. This year is about calming down and working so that dreams can start coming true.
I worked all of 2016 to set up 2017 as a good year to start seeing huge leaps in progress. 2018 should be even better. We are on the upswing now. I have to make sure not to let little disappointments drag me down and make me feel cursed again. That time is over. This is our good time and we're going to make the most of it.
Still, I can't wait to be out of January.
Week two is harder, but I can't blame 2017 for it. These are old wounds, inflicted in 2016 that are breaking open. It's hard to not think about every step of last year. Being in the hospital, fighting for my babies, losing them slowly, needing surgery. All the sobbing, the loss, the heartbreak.
I had to go back to the doctor's office yesterday to talk about paperwork. They had us wait in the waiting room for about a half hour. I couldn't take the memories it brought up. I sat there and cried. I had an anxiety attack. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my tears kept coming, and my breathing was erratic.
Knowing I have to go back there next month to look at what my ovary is doing isn't much of a help either.
I've chosen to be hopeful about this year. There's so much good that it has to offer.
My business grows each month. It's flourishing. I should have the money this year to make it an official business, get a vendor's license and start taking my angels local and into hospitals.
I'll be submitting books to agents and hopefully securing one or two so I can start my publishing career finally.
Bill is in school to get a new job, which he should have in September. There's a possibility that the one job we're hoping to get him (Godiva) will not only give us the money we need but also offers infertility treatments like IVF up to $30,000 lifetime - more than anywhere else in the area. It also offers adoption aid. We'll also be trying places like Uline again, which covers IVF and meds. As a last ditch effort, one of us will get a job at Starbucks, though they only cover 80%.
But that right there is quite a bit of hope. Multiple options of hope. Everything takes time and faith and that's what I'm riding on now. I'm trying to not get worked up, trying not to stress, trying to not have anxiety attacks so frequently. This year is about calming down and working so that dreams can start coming true.
I worked all of 2016 to set up 2017 as a good year to start seeing huge leaps in progress. 2018 should be even better. We are on the upswing now. I have to make sure not to let little disappointments drag me down and make me feel cursed again. That time is over. This is our good time and we're going to make the most of it.
Still, I can't wait to be out of January.
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