I'm not sure what's harder - waiting for something tangible, something that feels so within your reach, or waiting for something that's so wanted but so far off.
I thought waiting for something far off would be hardest. But as it turns out, I'm feeling a bit overly tortured at what felt like was so close.
Bill had an interview with a company that offers IVF coverage plus med coverage. It only makes families wait 30 days before taking them all on. It has a good bonus and weekends off. It sounds perfect. His interview seemed to go really well, he's been feeling really confident.
They told him that the position requires a second interview and if he gets one, he'll be hearing about it early next week.
That's now. Right now. Monday or Tuesday is early next week. This company is prompt. They called about his application the morning after I put it in. It's Monday afternoon and so far today has been on giant prayer fest.
So far the phone has rang a few times. Interestingly enough, one was for an interview at another job. He's had quite a few offers, but some are too far away and some have too little pay. Out of the very few jobs I put in for, he's gotten 5 offers.
But I really, really want this one. And he does too, it seems to have given him a breath of fresh air.
We need this second interview. It's the logical next step to our plans. This company has the best coverage in the entire area...probably only second best in the entire state (first best is working for the actual Blue Cross Independence company, apparently)
Every passing minute feels a bit harder. If my anxiousness and amount of want could make the phone ring, I'm sure it would be ringing off the hook. In fact, part of me seems to think that I could make it happen by sheer will. I'm getting very little done today, I'm so focused on this. There's only two more hours left to the office hours, then it's all up to tomorrow. It's hard, waiting for this. It's hard waiting for a new baby. I've noticed that the want for a new baby has been even stronger lately than it has been this whole time. it's all torture.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Timeline
Our timeline seems to be ever changing. Last year it seemed so clear, this year there are more bumps in the path of where we want to go.
Some of our biggest wants have been to move down south, have Bill get a better and stable job, graduate college, and have another baby. Luckily, even with all of those bumps, these things are still true. They just need to be reorganized.
Right now, our timeline is this:
Get Bill a new job before Summer
We have been sending in applications and uploading his resume for the last week to different places. At least half of the places have called the very next morning. The one place we were hoping for, which is literally two blocks away (goodbye, gas bills!) wanted to give him an entry level position, which was about $10 too little an hour, so he had to decline but asked to be considered for a job that opens up that will pay more. But the place I really wanted him to get into has immediately offered him an interview for this week, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they offer him at least our minimum need. This job covers more IVF and med coverage than anywhere else in our area. Praying it goes well! The sooner he gets a new job, the better. Though I will mourn the loss of his first shift position now, as it has totally changed our lives for the better.
Get an Emergency Fund and Savings Fund
That's the big one for this year. Hopefully the new job, wherever it is, pays a little better than now so that working overtime would actually mean a chance to save money instead of just a chance to pay mortgage. I'll also be working towards this goal with a more rigorous food budget, small holidays, and cutting out eating out and any extras. I'll also be starting up a craft business, looking into at home jobs, becoming a travel agent from home, and writing for payment.
Graduate College (unsure if possible yet)
We're going in for a consult to the advisers next month to see where our credits lie. I'm two classes and a semester as a teacher's aid away from my Education Bachelors, but I might be even closer to an associate's if I can't make the Education semester work. Graduating in SOMETHING is the goal. Bill also has 2.5 years of high maths, sciences and gen eds under his belt and should qualify for an associate's in science. Making our college time count and getting to put a degree on our resumes before moving would be preferred.
Have a Baby or Babies
My goal is to start trying IVF by next spring or early summer 2017. I already know what RE and OB I want (since they're partners and work together and both have performed surgery on me, it's an easy choice) so I want to do it before we move. We have to get through the first trimester while here as well, as the RE usually monitors closely for that time. Since I'm a good candidate for IVF, I'm hoping it won't take more than the 3 standard cycles before conceiving, and then having a healthy pregnancy.
Move Down South
Which one is the bigger obstacle, having a baby or moving down south? I'm honestly not sure. Having a baby in this situation seems like a luck of the draw at this point, and there's not much we can do to help our chances. Moving, on the other hand, is risky. It's killing our credit, not having our stable home anymore, moving to somewhere totally new and away from everyone we know, and getting a new job and just starting over. It's the one I'm scared of the most, but I'm SO eager to do it. We're hoping to do it by the end of 2017, but that will greatly depend on how the baby stuff goes, and baby stuff is most important. We want to get out of this area asap, as it seems so draining and impossible to ever get ahead. But moving is such a big leap of faith. Wherever we end up, we'll be stuck at for at least 7 years due to bad credit. So there's a lot to plan for and no way to just jump in.
Some of our biggest wants have been to move down south, have Bill get a better and stable job, graduate college, and have another baby. Luckily, even with all of those bumps, these things are still true. They just need to be reorganized.
Right now, our timeline is this:
Get Bill a new job before Summer
We have been sending in applications and uploading his resume for the last week to different places. At least half of the places have called the very next morning. The one place we were hoping for, which is literally two blocks away (goodbye, gas bills!) wanted to give him an entry level position, which was about $10 too little an hour, so he had to decline but asked to be considered for a job that opens up that will pay more. But the place I really wanted him to get into has immediately offered him an interview for this week, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they offer him at least our minimum need. This job covers more IVF and med coverage than anywhere else in our area. Praying it goes well! The sooner he gets a new job, the better. Though I will mourn the loss of his first shift position now, as it has totally changed our lives for the better.
Get an Emergency Fund and Savings Fund
That's the big one for this year. Hopefully the new job, wherever it is, pays a little better than now so that working overtime would actually mean a chance to save money instead of just a chance to pay mortgage. I'll also be working towards this goal with a more rigorous food budget, small holidays, and cutting out eating out and any extras. I'll also be starting up a craft business, looking into at home jobs, becoming a travel agent from home, and writing for payment.
Graduate College (unsure if possible yet)
We're going in for a consult to the advisers next month to see where our credits lie. I'm two classes and a semester as a teacher's aid away from my Education Bachelors, but I might be even closer to an associate's if I can't make the Education semester work. Graduating in SOMETHING is the goal. Bill also has 2.5 years of high maths, sciences and gen eds under his belt and should qualify for an associate's in science. Making our college time count and getting to put a degree on our resumes before moving would be preferred.
Have a Baby or Babies
My goal is to start trying IVF by next spring or early summer 2017. I already know what RE and OB I want (since they're partners and work together and both have performed surgery on me, it's an easy choice) so I want to do it before we move. We have to get through the first trimester while here as well, as the RE usually monitors closely for that time. Since I'm a good candidate for IVF, I'm hoping it won't take more than the 3 standard cycles before conceiving, and then having a healthy pregnancy.
Move Down South
Which one is the bigger obstacle, having a baby or moving down south? I'm honestly not sure. Having a baby in this situation seems like a luck of the draw at this point, and there's not much we can do to help our chances. Moving, on the other hand, is risky. It's killing our credit, not having our stable home anymore, moving to somewhere totally new and away from everyone we know, and getting a new job and just starting over. It's the one I'm scared of the most, but I'm SO eager to do it. We're hoping to do it by the end of 2017, but that will greatly depend on how the baby stuff goes, and baby stuff is most important. We want to get out of this area asap, as it seems so draining and impossible to ever get ahead. But moving is such a big leap of faith. Wherever we end up, we'll be stuck at for at least 7 years due to bad credit. So there's a lot to plan for and no way to just jump in.
Monday, February 22, 2016
PPD surveys
Ever since I lost the baby and the insurance had to cover the costs of all the hospital bills, they've been sending me reports to check if I have post-partum depression. They don't have a separate form for just those who lost their babies, so it's the standard "now that your baby is born, it's normal to feel baby blues. These are the signs if you have more than just the baby blues, and if you're now depressed."
Yes, I have more than just baby blues, because I have less than a baby in my arms.
They sent another form today, and said by this time, the baby blues should have passed and you should be bonding with your baby.
Unless you count us going to Elizabeth's grave the other day to add a cross with his name on it and a tiny baby wrapped lovingly in angel wings to it, then no, bonding isn't going so well. It's hard to bond when the baby was taken before you ever got to really know them or feel them. When all you had was one week of putting your life in danger to fight for them. I love my baby, I grieve my baby, I deeply miss my baby. But I don't get to bond with my baby from so far away.
These forms are supposed to be helpful, I know. But they're just a slap in the face. No, I won't fill out your form to see if I am depressed. I already KNOW I'm depressed. I know that our of your 10 symptoms, I have 9 of them. I understand perfectly well that I'm not just going through baby blues. I know what I'm going through. It's even deeper than depression. It's grief. One day, I'll only be depressed. It'll be an improvement. But I won't fill out the form, I won't be contacted and pushed to seek meds to help me. I know from going through this with Elizabeth, that if I don't feel it, mourn and grieve and cry and be depressed and lost in the dark for a while, it won't get better. I won't ever be happy again. This is the way my path must go now. I must walk through the darkness, full of tears and heartbreak and hurt, to get to the other side and move on. I wish grief was just grief, but it's depression with heartbreak. It's relentless. But the good thing is, even though I know that I'm depressed, I also know I'm coping. I'm finding ways to come out of it. Tiny, little ways. Slowly, very slowly. But surely, I am improving. I still cry and hurt and hate my situation with a passion. I still miss my baby, I still count how far along I would be with Jesse right now, I still remember the days at the hospital while tears silently fall down my face before I go to sleep at night. But today is better than yesterday. This week is a big improvement on a few weeks ago. This month is almost easier than last month. The improvement is slow, but it's sure, and that's what matters.
But reading those words in those letters is such a stab to the heart. It's a setback. Not even tearing through paper and envelopes help to ease the frustration and anger that arises. Yet it also helps to self-evaluate myself and see where I was since the last time I read those words a month ago. Last time, it wasn't just anger and hurt, it was tears for days. It was a big realization, another crack in my heart, to realize that I wasn't just sad, but depressed too.
Yes, I have more than just baby blues, because I have less than a baby in my arms.
They sent another form today, and said by this time, the baby blues should have passed and you should be bonding with your baby.
Unless you count us going to Elizabeth's grave the other day to add a cross with his name on it and a tiny baby wrapped lovingly in angel wings to it, then no, bonding isn't going so well. It's hard to bond when the baby was taken before you ever got to really know them or feel them. When all you had was one week of putting your life in danger to fight for them. I love my baby, I grieve my baby, I deeply miss my baby. But I don't get to bond with my baby from so far away.
These forms are supposed to be helpful, I know. But they're just a slap in the face. No, I won't fill out your form to see if I am depressed. I already KNOW I'm depressed. I know that our of your 10 symptoms, I have 9 of them. I understand perfectly well that I'm not just going through baby blues. I know what I'm going through. It's even deeper than depression. It's grief. One day, I'll only be depressed. It'll be an improvement. But I won't fill out the form, I won't be contacted and pushed to seek meds to help me. I know from going through this with Elizabeth, that if I don't feel it, mourn and grieve and cry and be depressed and lost in the dark for a while, it won't get better. I won't ever be happy again. This is the way my path must go now. I must walk through the darkness, full of tears and heartbreak and hurt, to get to the other side and move on. I wish grief was just grief, but it's depression with heartbreak. It's relentless. But the good thing is, even though I know that I'm depressed, I also know I'm coping. I'm finding ways to come out of it. Tiny, little ways. Slowly, very slowly. But surely, I am improving. I still cry and hurt and hate my situation with a passion. I still miss my baby, I still count how far along I would be with Jesse right now, I still remember the days at the hospital while tears silently fall down my face before I go to sleep at night. But today is better than yesterday. This week is a big improvement on a few weeks ago. This month is almost easier than last month. The improvement is slow, but it's sure, and that's what matters.
But reading those words in those letters is such a stab to the heart. It's a setback. Not even tearing through paper and envelopes help to ease the frustration and anger that arises. Yet it also helps to self-evaluate myself and see where I was since the last time I read those words a month ago. Last time, it wasn't just anger and hurt, it was tears for days. It was a big realization, another crack in my heart, to realize that I wasn't just sad, but depressed too.
Ways to Raise Money
I've been trying to come up with ways to help save money for IVF. Bill is working 7 days a week to uphold our home, and it doesn't leave much left for savings. We're working on finding him a better job, but for now, nothing is getting saved (and after last month emptying our emergency fund and bank account, we're really just scrapping together to pay the mortgage bill for the first time in two months.)
So while I'm at home, I want to make money. Two kids, homeschooling and a household to clean, I've found, is actually not hard if you stay on a schedule. I've been balancing them quite well and still having at least two hours of time to just do whatever I want. During those two hours, I want to make money to stuff away into savings.
Two years ago, I had a crochet business and mod duties on a baby site. I have since quit the baby site since I can't handle it now that I might not get more babies. I also stopped the crochet business because it took a lot of time. I always thought I'd open it back up when I was pregnant, because I have a lot of time where I can't get up anyway. But now, no pregnancy. However, during the 9 months that I really put effort into it, I made about $1,500. In the year before, I made about $500 only half trying. Opening the crochet business again, while time costly, would be profitable enough to consider.
MANY women who want to do IVF hold bake sales for medical bills. A few years ago, I was selling pies, cheesecakes and cobblers for about $20 a piece through an order form I made that Bill took to work. Many of the men raved about the baked goods, and I got really busy around holidays. I'm considering doing a bake sale using this method - through an order form handed out. I make some amazing pies, cobblers, cupcakes and buttercream icing, banana bread, rolls and breads. This way, I'm not spending a lot of money on supplies and then having no one buy certain items that go to waste. It would just be profit.
I'm beginning sculpting. I'm very eager for this, as there's just SO much that can be done. I'm planning on doing custom made child and wedding cake toppers, custom family ornaments, little sculptures of angel babies and children, fantasy and geek items like dragons, fairies and intricate dice holders, and custom works. Sculpting is not nearly as overcrowded in the selling market as crochet is, and I was pretty profitable from crochet, so I feel like I could do a lot with this once I get good at it. Even small sculptures, because of how intricate and personalized they can be, can get quite a bit of money if you're good. I plan to be very good.
If I can convince my sister to let me use her embroidery machine for a few months, I'd love to bring back out my fabric stash and my own sewing designs to make some beautiful children's outfits and baby things.
I also found a bunch of professional writing magazines that I want to start submitting to again. Many pay $20-30 per poem published, and up to $50 for short stories. I feel like I have so much left to say, so much that has been cooped inside while my writing doors have been forced shut by babies and children needing constant attention. But we're clearing out the extra bedroom in our attic (which currently houses our baby stuff) to make a writing and craft room for me. Bill is also a writer and planning on entering for these magazines too. It'll be doubly good, as magazines build resumes for writers who want to publish novels one day.
Mentioning the room that houses all of our baby stuff leads to my last idea of money - we'll be getting rid of most of what's in our attic, including our baby things. Of course there will be some things we keep - certain baby outfits that are my favorite, my expensive stroller that holds many memories and folds up small, our crib that turns into a twin size bed. But the rest needs to be cleared out. That includes about 3 swings, 3 bouncers, a high chair, lots of bedding, lots of baby clothing, boutique outfits, about 5 strollers, etc. There's also many things outside of baby items that need to be sold. Things we've accumulated over the years that is no longer needed or can't go with us when we move out of state. All of the money that comes from this will immediately be put away.
A main goal for this year as well is to make sure we don't get behind in bills. I'm praying that next year's tax refund can get us a head start in what we need for IVF. Holidays will be minimal this year
I keep thinking about how long it is until next Spring, our goal to start IVF. But when I look at this list, which will take some time to really get it all going, I realize it's not that long at all. First up is selling stuff from the attic, which is happening right now and will continue into the spring as I set up at flea markets. Sculpting starts this week, and will immediately be placed into that two hour span of time I have free right now, so hopefully I can start being good enough to sell by April. Crocheting can start any time, I'm already good at that, I just need to open again and begin marketing for custom orders. I'd like to start baking orders in the summer, where if I need to go set up somewhere, I can in the warm weather. Writing can happen in between everything else, poetry usually takes on a life on it's own in my head while I"m busy with other things,and I only need to find time to write it down and polish it up. Sewing will probably wait until later on, as it'll be the most upfront costly and even though it offers the highest prices in return, I don't have the investment funds.
But with all of that in time allotments, one year doesn't seem like that long suddenly. I know my heart thinks it's a terribly long time to wait just for the chance to maybe get pregnant, but my brain is more sensible and says we can get through this year and have some fun with it if we try. I'm going with my brain on this one, because my heart is too worn out anyway!
So while I'm at home, I want to make money. Two kids, homeschooling and a household to clean, I've found, is actually not hard if you stay on a schedule. I've been balancing them quite well and still having at least two hours of time to just do whatever I want. During those two hours, I want to make money to stuff away into savings.
Two years ago, I had a crochet business and mod duties on a baby site. I have since quit the baby site since I can't handle it now that I might not get more babies. I also stopped the crochet business because it took a lot of time. I always thought I'd open it back up when I was pregnant, because I have a lot of time where I can't get up anyway. But now, no pregnancy. However, during the 9 months that I really put effort into it, I made about $1,500. In the year before, I made about $500 only half trying. Opening the crochet business again, while time costly, would be profitable enough to consider.
MANY women who want to do IVF hold bake sales for medical bills. A few years ago, I was selling pies, cheesecakes and cobblers for about $20 a piece through an order form I made that Bill took to work. Many of the men raved about the baked goods, and I got really busy around holidays. I'm considering doing a bake sale using this method - through an order form handed out. I make some amazing pies, cobblers, cupcakes and buttercream icing, banana bread, rolls and breads. This way, I'm not spending a lot of money on supplies and then having no one buy certain items that go to waste. It would just be profit.
I'm beginning sculpting. I'm very eager for this, as there's just SO much that can be done. I'm planning on doing custom made child and wedding cake toppers, custom family ornaments, little sculptures of angel babies and children, fantasy and geek items like dragons, fairies and intricate dice holders, and custom works. Sculpting is not nearly as overcrowded in the selling market as crochet is, and I was pretty profitable from crochet, so I feel like I could do a lot with this once I get good at it. Even small sculptures, because of how intricate and personalized they can be, can get quite a bit of money if you're good. I plan to be very good.
If I can convince my sister to let me use her embroidery machine for a few months, I'd love to bring back out my fabric stash and my own sewing designs to make some beautiful children's outfits and baby things.
I also found a bunch of professional writing magazines that I want to start submitting to again. Many pay $20-30 per poem published, and up to $50 for short stories. I feel like I have so much left to say, so much that has been cooped inside while my writing doors have been forced shut by babies and children needing constant attention. But we're clearing out the extra bedroom in our attic (which currently houses our baby stuff) to make a writing and craft room for me. Bill is also a writer and planning on entering for these magazines too. It'll be doubly good, as magazines build resumes for writers who want to publish novels one day.
Mentioning the room that houses all of our baby stuff leads to my last idea of money - we'll be getting rid of most of what's in our attic, including our baby things. Of course there will be some things we keep - certain baby outfits that are my favorite, my expensive stroller that holds many memories and folds up small, our crib that turns into a twin size bed. But the rest needs to be cleared out. That includes about 3 swings, 3 bouncers, a high chair, lots of bedding, lots of baby clothing, boutique outfits, about 5 strollers, etc. There's also many things outside of baby items that need to be sold. Things we've accumulated over the years that is no longer needed or can't go with us when we move out of state. All of the money that comes from this will immediately be put away.
A main goal for this year as well is to make sure we don't get behind in bills. I'm praying that next year's tax refund can get us a head start in what we need for IVF. Holidays will be minimal this year
I keep thinking about how long it is until next Spring, our goal to start IVF. But when I look at this list, which will take some time to really get it all going, I realize it's not that long at all. First up is selling stuff from the attic, which is happening right now and will continue into the spring as I set up at flea markets. Sculpting starts this week, and will immediately be placed into that two hour span of time I have free right now, so hopefully I can start being good enough to sell by April. Crocheting can start any time, I'm already good at that, I just need to open again and begin marketing for custom orders. I'd like to start baking orders in the summer, where if I need to go set up somewhere, I can in the warm weather. Writing can happen in between everything else, poetry usually takes on a life on it's own in my head while I"m busy with other things,and I only need to find time to write it down and polish it up. Sewing will probably wait until later on, as it'll be the most upfront costly and even though it offers the highest prices in return, I don't have the investment funds.
But with all of that in time allotments, one year doesn't seem like that long suddenly. I know my heart thinks it's a terribly long time to wait just for the chance to maybe get pregnant, but my brain is more sensible and says we can get through this year and have some fun with it if we try. I'm going with my brain on this one, because my heart is too worn out anyway!
Waiting is the Hardest Part
I have always had a rough struggle with patience. I've never been good to just wait. The only thing that helps me is planning every detail, every moment, every last thing. It helps to pass the time. I do it for vacations, I do it for big life changes, and I do it while I wait to get pregnant.
The problem here is everything is already done. There is nothing more to plan. All of the questions have already been answered.
There's no question on what fertility treatment I would get and how to plan which one to do first, second, etc. The only one that would work is IVF, so we go straight to IVF.
We don't have to figure out which RE to go to, as we already found him. We'll be going with the RE who performed surgery on me and who works closely with my OB.
I don't have to figure out which hospital to give birth at anymore. This was a big question prior to this year, I couldn't decide to go to a new one that I loved or my old tried and true one that had problems in hospital, but now that's already been decided. I've seen the inside of the new one during my ectopic issues, where all the women spend their pregnancies going to, and I hated it. It was impersonal, big, and the wait time was insane. I didn't like the doctors there, and there was so many of them. You were a number instead of a face, you were issued in and out and it was all so wrong feeling. I now know that not only do I prefer my same OB, but also I'd use him anyway because he's in close relation to my RE and they both understand my medical situation fully. Plus, having been inside the "old" hospital this last month, I've found that it's actually getting much, much better. I actually preferred my stay in the old hospital than in the new.
We already decided how many eggs to transfer for each ET or FET. We already decided which risks we were okay with and which we weren't.
We have a timeline. We already know that Bill is switching jobs to find an insurance that will at least partially cover IVF and hopefully cover all the meds and surgery. We know that we want to do it before my 29th birthday, and we know that we want to move as soon as we can afterwards, hopefully by transfer from whatever job comes next.
Heck, we already have the names picked out, what themes to go with, what colors will represent each baby, etc. I know what I want to do with the nursery, and which baby items to buy new next time (as we're selling all of our baby stuff we currently have) and which items to skip.
It doesn't feel like we're planning for an unknown baby to come. It has felt like there are these children that are just waiting to come, I could feel them for the last two years. It feels like they already exist, that I can already sense them. They're not unknown to me, and they are already mine. The problem is, our connection has been severed. I feel like instead of wondering about the possibility of who's to come, I already know. I just need to create a bridge from me to them, and waiting to even start building that bridge is a little bit of torture each day.
Every detail is planned out. Every step is mapped. All there is to do is wait.
And as everyone knows, waiting is the hardest part.
The problem here is everything is already done. There is nothing more to plan. All of the questions have already been answered.
There's no question on what fertility treatment I would get and how to plan which one to do first, second, etc. The only one that would work is IVF, so we go straight to IVF.
We don't have to figure out which RE to go to, as we already found him. We'll be going with the RE who performed surgery on me and who works closely with my OB.
I don't have to figure out which hospital to give birth at anymore. This was a big question prior to this year, I couldn't decide to go to a new one that I loved or my old tried and true one that had problems in hospital, but now that's already been decided. I've seen the inside of the new one during my ectopic issues, where all the women spend their pregnancies going to, and I hated it. It was impersonal, big, and the wait time was insane. I didn't like the doctors there, and there was so many of them. You were a number instead of a face, you were issued in and out and it was all so wrong feeling. I now know that not only do I prefer my same OB, but also I'd use him anyway because he's in close relation to my RE and they both understand my medical situation fully. Plus, having been inside the "old" hospital this last month, I've found that it's actually getting much, much better. I actually preferred my stay in the old hospital than in the new.
We already decided how many eggs to transfer for each ET or FET. We already decided which risks we were okay with and which we weren't.
We have a timeline. We already know that Bill is switching jobs to find an insurance that will at least partially cover IVF and hopefully cover all the meds and surgery. We know that we want to do it before my 29th birthday, and we know that we want to move as soon as we can afterwards, hopefully by transfer from whatever job comes next.
Heck, we already have the names picked out, what themes to go with, what colors will represent each baby, etc. I know what I want to do with the nursery, and which baby items to buy new next time (as we're selling all of our baby stuff we currently have) and which items to skip.
It doesn't feel like we're planning for an unknown baby to come. It has felt like there are these children that are just waiting to come, I could feel them for the last two years. It feels like they already exist, that I can already sense them. They're not unknown to me, and they are already mine. The problem is, our connection has been severed. I feel like instead of wondering about the possibility of who's to come, I already know. I just need to create a bridge from me to them, and waiting to even start building that bridge is a little bit of torture each day.
Every detail is planned out. Every step is mapped. All there is to do is wait.
And as everyone knows, waiting is the hardest part.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
The Positives of Infertility
Nobody wants to think negative thoughts and be depressed all the time, and nobody wants a diagnosis that's 100% bad and depressing. It's hard, after finding out you have something that breaks your heart and shatters all your dreams, to find positives. But my life has always been about looking towards to brighter side of things, to make anything seem positive, to cling to a little bit of sunlight in the darkness.
So for weeks, I've been trying to come up with a list of "good" things about becoming infertile. It's a short list, especially for how long it took me to think it up, but at least it's something.
So for weeks, I've been trying to come up with a list of "good" things about becoming infertile. It's a short list, especially for how long it took me to think it up, but at least it's something.
- I never have to worry about birth control again. This is pretty handy, I guess. I didn't know how we were going to stop having babies, exactly. Birth control and I don't exactly mesh well together (I get very sick on it) and who wants to take birth control until they're fully through menopause? I definitely wasn't planning on getting my precious tube burned. Of course Bill wasn't running to the vasectomy doctor either, and I think he would have liked to keep our options of children open for as long as possible. So this settles that debate.
- I would never have chosen to take this much time off of having another child (obviously, as I had just been pregnant). I would have been having another baby in the late summer. Had my tube survived, I probably would have had a baby by the end of the year. Not having a baby this year, however, means that a lot has opened up to me. At Will's age, Katie had already become a big sister, so this is uncharted territory. The kids are at an age where I'm comfortable dropping them off with a family member for the day (or night) so Bill and I can have time to ourselves. Date Nights won't only just be crashing on the couch to watch a movie with some wine. We can actually go out and do things. I'm finally going to get my licence, which I haven't done yet because I hate driving with kids in the car when I'm not accustomed to the multiple cars we've had and I taking the test while thinking a baby was waiting for me screaming and crying was too much on my nerves. And vacations, though we still can't afford them, have become half the price of what I was planning now that there's only two kids instead of three. I would have felt a bit selfish to take so much time between kids off, as I have always wanted to keep the kids close and have great, close relationships, but since I'm in it anyway, there are definitely ways to have fun now that I'm not pregnant or prepping for a newborn.
- I never, ever have to worry about an accidental pregnancy again. Which is good now and for if the zombie apocolypse happens. Because unfortunately, I'd be like Lori and die from needing a c-section because my babies don't come out naturally. (Yes, I was having to grasp at straws at this point. Turns out infertility doesn't have that many good points to it. Who would have thought?!)
- TMI warning with this one - sex has gone to another level suddenly. Now there's never a worry about if this will make me pregnant, or there's never a worry that it won't make me pregnant. There's no stress in it at all now either way. Sex has gone from something fun to do along side making babies to just being a way to express our love and do it only because we love being with each other. I was so worried that there would be a lacking, now that it can not do what it was meant to do, but instead there's a magic in it. It's become more passionate, more personal, more intimate. There's now like an even deeper feeling to it, like another whole sense. That part truly is an amazing part of this. I wouldn't trade my baby making parts for it, but since I've had to, it's truly a blessing. It's gone from something we enjoyed doing often, to something we can't get enough of all the time.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Stages of Grief
We all know the stages of grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We're told about them, told to go through them, told to allow ourselves to feel them and if we do, it'll get better.
It's so much easier said than done, especially when I know how much I struggle at the one part: acceptance.
I definitely ace Denial. I went through that pretty hard for a few weeks. When denial faded (after many doctor talks, hospital stays and surgery), the anger came in full force. I did Anger very, very well. I was furious that I was in this situation.
For me, Bargaining did not come next, Depression did. Fiery anger can only stay for so long before it physically and emotionally drains you. The draining is what leads into Depression. The crying, the hopelessness, the feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I won't lie, I'm not completely through the depression. It's now Depression, with a side of fear, a drop of hope, and some Bargaining thrown in.
My Bargaining has been my IVF struggle. I keep thinking, okay, I'll accept this situation, I'll allow it to happen, if something can promise me that I'll get at least one more baby in return. I'll be infertile, I'll allow myself to never hope to be pregnant before AF comes and face that I'll never naturally conceive again, if you let me have successful IVF. I'll deal with no tubes if I get a baby or two. I'll go through the weeks of horrible drugs, fake hormones, hellish procedures, surgeries to remove eggs and having to have ultrasounds every other day if it means I get to have a successful baby (and while we're at it, maybe we'll throw the option of twins in there just for good measure, yeah? I mean, it is a lot for me to go through, twins would simply balance the scales a bit, wouldn't it?)
I don't know if I'll ever reach Acceptance, honestly. The only way I get through every day is thinking I'll still be able to have more babies somehow, at least one. I've struggled and struggled to try to accept only having two kids. I've been through all the logic and I've done my best to get my mind to change. I've tried looking at all the great reasons to have a family of only two kids. (Disney is SO much cheaper with only two kids! It's the perfect amount for vacations, you never need a mini van, we have enough bedrooms even if this small house for each kid to get their own, etc) I've done it all. My heart doesn't change. My brain still goes "but...but..."
I feel like if we don't get to do IVF, I would regret not trying forever. I feel like if it doesn't work, I'll forever grieve over that baby we've been waiting to join our family and didn't get to. I'll forever feel like that baby is still waiting, just waiting...
I truly wish I could accept having just Will and Katie. But my whole life, I've always felt like 4 kids was what it would take to make my heart feel complete, like my family was complete. How do I feel complete with only half of that number? I have amazing kids that I adore, which only makes me want more of them. I love being a Mommy. It's what I've always felt like I was meant to do, and since having kids, it felt even more like this is what I was made for. So why cut me off? It doesn't feel "right" in my heart. It feels like there's so much missing. Bill says he feels like there's still more babies waiting, he still wants more, he'd love to have another one or two...but if this is our fate, he can accept only having two kids. I envy that, because so far I can't say the same. I can't say those words. I can be grateful for my miracles, but I can't be grateful for all the loss I've endured. I can't accept that my days of making miracles are over, and that I'll never feel another baby kick from the inside, or have a pregnancy test turn positive. I can't face that. I can't accept it.
Acceptance doesn't come easy...and sometimes it doesn't come at all.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We're told about them, told to go through them, told to allow ourselves to feel them and if we do, it'll get better.
It's so much easier said than done, especially when I know how much I struggle at the one part: acceptance.
I definitely ace Denial. I went through that pretty hard for a few weeks. When denial faded (after many doctor talks, hospital stays and surgery), the anger came in full force. I did Anger very, very well. I was furious that I was in this situation.
For me, Bargaining did not come next, Depression did. Fiery anger can only stay for so long before it physically and emotionally drains you. The draining is what leads into Depression. The crying, the hopelessness, the feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I won't lie, I'm not completely through the depression. It's now Depression, with a side of fear, a drop of hope, and some Bargaining thrown in.
My Bargaining has been my IVF struggle. I keep thinking, okay, I'll accept this situation, I'll allow it to happen, if something can promise me that I'll get at least one more baby in return. I'll be infertile, I'll allow myself to never hope to be pregnant before AF comes and face that I'll never naturally conceive again, if you let me have successful IVF. I'll deal with no tubes if I get a baby or two. I'll go through the weeks of horrible drugs, fake hormones, hellish procedures, surgeries to remove eggs and having to have ultrasounds every other day if it means I get to have a successful baby (and while we're at it, maybe we'll throw the option of twins in there just for good measure, yeah? I mean, it is a lot for me to go through, twins would simply balance the scales a bit, wouldn't it?)
I don't know if I'll ever reach Acceptance, honestly. The only way I get through every day is thinking I'll still be able to have more babies somehow, at least one. I've struggled and struggled to try to accept only having two kids. I've been through all the logic and I've done my best to get my mind to change. I've tried looking at all the great reasons to have a family of only two kids. (Disney is SO much cheaper with only two kids! It's the perfect amount for vacations, you never need a mini van, we have enough bedrooms even if this small house for each kid to get their own, etc) I've done it all. My heart doesn't change. My brain still goes "but...but..."
I feel like if we don't get to do IVF, I would regret not trying forever. I feel like if it doesn't work, I'll forever grieve over that baby we've been waiting to join our family and didn't get to. I'll forever feel like that baby is still waiting, just waiting...
I truly wish I could accept having just Will and Katie. But my whole life, I've always felt like 4 kids was what it would take to make my heart feel complete, like my family was complete. How do I feel complete with only half of that number? I have amazing kids that I adore, which only makes me want more of them. I love being a Mommy. It's what I've always felt like I was meant to do, and since having kids, it felt even more like this is what I was made for. So why cut me off? It doesn't feel "right" in my heart. It feels like there's so much missing. Bill says he feels like there's still more babies waiting, he still wants more, he'd love to have another one or two...but if this is our fate, he can accept only having two kids. I envy that, because so far I can't say the same. I can't say those words. I can be grateful for my miracles, but I can't be grateful for all the loss I've endured. I can't accept that my days of making miracles are over, and that I'll never feel another baby kick from the inside, or have a pregnancy test turn positive. I can't face that. I can't accept it.
Acceptance doesn't come easy...and sometimes it doesn't come at all.
Dreams
Dreams are beginning to get quite difficult...and so vivid. I feel like day time me doesn't quite know how to handle everything going on inside of my heart, so it gets pushed down or grieved but only for a few minutes at a time before I have to make it stop. At nighttime though, it seems to leak out and fill my dreams.
The other night, I had a dream that Bill and I were on a getaway vacation. I met a young man that worked on the cruise line, he was about 20 years old. He had curly auburn hair, a pale German/Irish complexion, he was tall and had freckles on his cheeks, nose and arms. His name was Jamie (the name we originally picked out for our baby at first, before changing it to Jesse). Dream me instantly loved him. Dream me wanted to hug him tight and never let go. There was the biggest rush of maternal pride as soon as I saw him. He was the most helpful boy throughout our cruise, and I so adored him.
The fuzzy part is probably fuzzy for a reason, now. On the cruise, something bad happened. It was under attack of some sort, and Jamie stayed by our side, trying to get us to safety. I can't remember how, but Jamie died suddenly. I cradled him in my arms and rocked him as he passed. I sobbed over him and begged him to stay. I was forced to leave him behind, even though I felt like risking everything to stay just to hold him.
I woke up to Will crying, so I went and got him and cuddled him back to sleep, because I needed little baby cuddles after that dream. When I fell back to sleep, I dreamed that I was running a charity with my daughter's ballet teacher. It was a charity in the name of what had happened to Jamie, and I dedicated my everything to it. There was a little boy there with red hair, and I smiled sadly and told him how much I loved little redheads.
I woke up with a very heavy heart. It took me a little bit to be able to think over it and realize that it was about our baby. It wasn't the first dream of him I had. Just days after we lost the baby, I had a horrible dream that we were - yes, again! - on a cruise. We were holding and cuddling a newborn on the deck, and suddenly somehow the baby fell overboard. Bill tried to climb out to swim after the sinking baby, but the cruise had tall, unclimbable walls and a ceiling above, so even though the tiny baby somehow managed to fall out, we couldn't escape and get in the water in time.
The bursting in my heart was so great that it woke me in a panic. I woke up to being so overheated, it felt like I was in an oven under the blankets. Apparently my panic had made me create so much heat, something I never experienced before. But the dream was so real that it took me hours to fall back to sleep. It was so vivid, and the heartwrenching feeling of our baby being so suddenly torn from our arms and never to be seen again was so great.
I remember when we lost Elizabeth, there were such vivid dreams of her for months after. I still remember some of them like they were memories instead of dreams. A beautiful little toddler with curly brown hair and Bill's gorgeous light blue eyes, dressed in little boutique tea dresses or ballet tutus. I remember having dreams that consisted of nothing at all except holding a little newborn baby girl, just cradling her in my arms and rocking her to sleep.
No one understands the loss of a baby, how it effects your every day and night, until it happens. It's not about logic, it's not about being able to talk yourself out of grief. Your heart mourns, it cries, and whether you wish to allow it to or not, it'll show itself. Even if the only time it can is in your dreams. Vivid, realistic dreams that last in your mind for years.
The other night, I had a dream that Bill and I were on a getaway vacation. I met a young man that worked on the cruise line, he was about 20 years old. He had curly auburn hair, a pale German/Irish complexion, he was tall and had freckles on his cheeks, nose and arms. His name was Jamie (the name we originally picked out for our baby at first, before changing it to Jesse). Dream me instantly loved him. Dream me wanted to hug him tight and never let go. There was the biggest rush of maternal pride as soon as I saw him. He was the most helpful boy throughout our cruise, and I so adored him.
The fuzzy part is probably fuzzy for a reason, now. On the cruise, something bad happened. It was under attack of some sort, and Jamie stayed by our side, trying to get us to safety. I can't remember how, but Jamie died suddenly. I cradled him in my arms and rocked him as he passed. I sobbed over him and begged him to stay. I was forced to leave him behind, even though I felt like risking everything to stay just to hold him.
I woke up to Will crying, so I went and got him and cuddled him back to sleep, because I needed little baby cuddles after that dream. When I fell back to sleep, I dreamed that I was running a charity with my daughter's ballet teacher. It was a charity in the name of what had happened to Jamie, and I dedicated my everything to it. There was a little boy there with red hair, and I smiled sadly and told him how much I loved little redheads.
I woke up with a very heavy heart. It took me a little bit to be able to think over it and realize that it was about our baby. It wasn't the first dream of him I had. Just days after we lost the baby, I had a horrible dream that we were - yes, again! - on a cruise. We were holding and cuddling a newborn on the deck, and suddenly somehow the baby fell overboard. Bill tried to climb out to swim after the sinking baby, but the cruise had tall, unclimbable walls and a ceiling above, so even though the tiny baby somehow managed to fall out, we couldn't escape and get in the water in time.
The bursting in my heart was so great that it woke me in a panic. I woke up to being so overheated, it felt like I was in an oven under the blankets. Apparently my panic had made me create so much heat, something I never experienced before. But the dream was so real that it took me hours to fall back to sleep. It was so vivid, and the heartwrenching feeling of our baby being so suddenly torn from our arms and never to be seen again was so great.
I remember when we lost Elizabeth, there were such vivid dreams of her for months after. I still remember some of them like they were memories instead of dreams. A beautiful little toddler with curly brown hair and Bill's gorgeous light blue eyes, dressed in little boutique tea dresses or ballet tutus. I remember having dreams that consisted of nothing at all except holding a little newborn baby girl, just cradling her in my arms and rocking her to sleep.
No one understands the loss of a baby, how it effects your every day and night, until it happens. It's not about logic, it's not about being able to talk yourself out of grief. Your heart mourns, it cries, and whether you wish to allow it to or not, it'll show itself. Even if the only time it can is in your dreams. Vivid, realistic dreams that last in your mind for years.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Post- Valentine's Weekend
Today is a rough day.
Valentine's Weekend was amazing. But today, on this dreary, cold Monday, I'm forced to remember that I'd be nearly 10 weeks along with Jesse right now. I remember that I had such an adorable Valentine's Day pregnancy announcement saved on my computer for the last few months, "just in case". I know that had things worked out, had the baby implanted safely in my uterus instead of my fallopian tube, just a few inches difference, we would have announced yesterday that our family was so full of love that it was expanding to include yet another little person. We would have announced that we were expecting a fresh little bundle of love on September 18th, 2016.
But there was no announcement made. There will be only grief and a heavy heart happening on September 18th. Our family still has love, but it's love from hearts that are still crushed and broken. Katie and Will have no idea that they almost had a new brother or sister, but it was taken away while they were on their "vacation" at their Aunt's house for two weeks.
Instead of announcing our new baby, I ordered a little statue of a sleeping baby wrapped in angel wings. Today I finished painting a little wooden cross with Jesse's name on it. Throughout the day, I keep chipping off little bits of wax from a candle that dripped on the only possession we have of Jesse's - my precious little elephant bear that Bill bought while I was in the hospital and still pregnant.
We've spent little bits of our holiday of love deciding how to honor our baby's memory. We picked and chose items that would be part of our tiny private ceremony for our tiny little baby. We've been trying to pick a date to do the ceremony on, where Jesse's things will join Elizabeth's. When our spot for one baby becomes our spot for two...half of our children.
Valentine's Weekend was amazing. But today, on this dreary, cold Monday, I'm forced to remember that I'd be nearly 10 weeks along with Jesse right now. I remember that I had such an adorable Valentine's Day pregnancy announcement saved on my computer for the last few months, "just in case". I know that had things worked out, had the baby implanted safely in my uterus instead of my fallopian tube, just a few inches difference, we would have announced yesterday that our family was so full of love that it was expanding to include yet another little person. We would have announced that we were expecting a fresh little bundle of love on September 18th, 2016.
But there was no announcement made. There will be only grief and a heavy heart happening on September 18th. Our family still has love, but it's love from hearts that are still crushed and broken. Katie and Will have no idea that they almost had a new brother or sister, but it was taken away while they were on their "vacation" at their Aunt's house for two weeks.
Instead of announcing our new baby, I ordered a little statue of a sleeping baby wrapped in angel wings. Today I finished painting a little wooden cross with Jesse's name on it. Throughout the day, I keep chipping off little bits of wax from a candle that dripped on the only possession we have of Jesse's - my precious little elephant bear that Bill bought while I was in the hospital and still pregnant.
We've spent little bits of our holiday of love deciding how to honor our baby's memory. We picked and chose items that would be part of our tiny private ceremony for our tiny little baby. We've been trying to pick a date to do the ceremony on, where Jesse's things will join Elizabeth's. When our spot for one baby becomes our spot for two...half of our children.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Rough Times
Our grief is not going well this time.
When we lost Elizabeth, we had so much support. We had light at the end of the tunnel. We were horribly sad and struggled but knew that one day, it wouldn't be quite as bad.
This time is different. This time the support isn't there. The understanding isn't there. No one really "gets" what we're going through. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no magic fix. To pursue more children that will help us feel more complete, we'll be financially struggling for years. No one grieves this baby we tried months for, fought in the hospital for, and lost. Elizabeth was understandable, but this one is not.
Logically, I can reason through our situation. I can try and separate myself from my emotions and tell my brain that at least we have two kids. Two kids we can give an even better life to if we don't have more. I can reason through how we were so lucky to have just them. I can see our situation from other points of view.
But my heart cries. My heart screams that this isn't fair. Yes we're lucky we had two after I had cancer, but having cancer is the first place wasn't lucky. It wasn't fair. I don't see any cancer survivors telling me to just feel lucky - only those who never been through it. I feel incomplete. I feel like the there's this child who's been waiting to come into our family, and now the links to that child has been severed. It doesn't mean that child went away. It doesn't mean that child is no longer biological. It doesn't mean that child is no longer there waiting. It definitely doesn't mean that we no longer want it.
Saying I'm lucky when I'm in such mourning is like a slap in the face. I've been through hell and back multiple times. My life has been a series of difficult, heartwrenching situations over and over again when most people don't even go through one of those situations. I've been through tumors, cancer, surgeries, possible infertility, miscarriages, ectopic, more surgeries, and now absolute infertility. Lucky? Shut up, I don't want to hear it. On most days, days before this happened and hopefully one day in the future, I'll agree. I'll say that while I've been given such a rough hand, I've been lucky to have lived through it all and had none of it kill me. But not right now. Right now I'm hurt. I'm broken on the inside.
I don't want to say I'm lucky, because I feel the opposite. Lucky are those people who don't have to give half of their children back. Lucky are those who get to choose their family size. Lucky are those who don't know half of the hospital staff in one department and know who the best and worst are. Lucky are those who don't ever hear the word cancer come from their doctor's mouth or who don't have the pictures of the ceiling of CT machines memorized. Lucky are those who don't have panic attacks in the middle of the night about some tiny problem that they fear is the end as ice cold fear runs through their veins. Lucky are those who's bellies are not littered in scars every one inch to remind them of what's been taken from them.
Too many want to minimize my situation to make it more comfortable and less sad. But I have been through every step of this, and I'm allowed to go through heavy grief. I'm allowed to be angry and refuse to say I'm lucky sometimes. I'm allowed to go against what every other person wants me to believe, because they haven't been through any of this themselves.
Nothing has ever completely broken me before. I think this might have. I know one day I'll get back up and learn how to rebuild. But right now, I'm broken. I think after everything I've survived through, I'm allowed to be broken. It's not that I want to be...it's that I don't feel like I have the strength to pretend that I'm not. I don't have enough in me to hold up a facade for other's comfort. I don't want to have added pressure to act a certain way, or be a certain way. Just allow me to be in my broken state and allow me some time. Don't pressure me into making this easier on people around me. I already have to put on a show of "happy mommy" for my kids each day. Don't make it worse by pushing me to be whole and happy again. It'll happen on it's own..one day.
You can't force healing.
When we lost Elizabeth, we had so much support. We had light at the end of the tunnel. We were horribly sad and struggled but knew that one day, it wouldn't be quite as bad.
This time is different. This time the support isn't there. The understanding isn't there. No one really "gets" what we're going through. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no magic fix. To pursue more children that will help us feel more complete, we'll be financially struggling for years. No one grieves this baby we tried months for, fought in the hospital for, and lost. Elizabeth was understandable, but this one is not.
Logically, I can reason through our situation. I can try and separate myself from my emotions and tell my brain that at least we have two kids. Two kids we can give an even better life to if we don't have more. I can reason through how we were so lucky to have just them. I can see our situation from other points of view.
But my heart cries. My heart screams that this isn't fair. Yes we're lucky we had two after I had cancer, but having cancer is the first place wasn't lucky. It wasn't fair. I don't see any cancer survivors telling me to just feel lucky - only those who never been through it. I feel incomplete. I feel like the there's this child who's been waiting to come into our family, and now the links to that child has been severed. It doesn't mean that child went away. It doesn't mean that child is no longer biological. It doesn't mean that child is no longer there waiting. It definitely doesn't mean that we no longer want it.
Saying I'm lucky when I'm in such mourning is like a slap in the face. I've been through hell and back multiple times. My life has been a series of difficult, heartwrenching situations over and over again when most people don't even go through one of those situations. I've been through tumors, cancer, surgeries, possible infertility, miscarriages, ectopic, more surgeries, and now absolute infertility. Lucky? Shut up, I don't want to hear it. On most days, days before this happened and hopefully one day in the future, I'll agree. I'll say that while I've been given such a rough hand, I've been lucky to have lived through it all and had none of it kill me. But not right now. Right now I'm hurt. I'm broken on the inside.
I don't want to say I'm lucky, because I feel the opposite. Lucky are those people who don't have to give half of their children back. Lucky are those who get to choose their family size. Lucky are those who don't know half of the hospital staff in one department and know who the best and worst are. Lucky are those who don't ever hear the word cancer come from their doctor's mouth or who don't have the pictures of the ceiling of CT machines memorized. Lucky are those who don't have panic attacks in the middle of the night about some tiny problem that they fear is the end as ice cold fear runs through their veins. Lucky are those who's bellies are not littered in scars every one inch to remind them of what's been taken from them.
Too many want to minimize my situation to make it more comfortable and less sad. But I have been through every step of this, and I'm allowed to go through heavy grief. I'm allowed to be angry and refuse to say I'm lucky sometimes. I'm allowed to go against what every other person wants me to believe, because they haven't been through any of this themselves.
Nothing has ever completely broken me before. I think this might have. I know one day I'll get back up and learn how to rebuild. But right now, I'm broken. I think after everything I've survived through, I'm allowed to be broken. It's not that I want to be...it's that I don't feel like I have the strength to pretend that I'm not. I don't have enough in me to hold up a facade for other's comfort. I don't want to have added pressure to act a certain way, or be a certain way. Just allow me to be in my broken state and allow me some time. Don't pressure me into making this easier on people around me. I already have to put on a show of "happy mommy" for my kids each day. Don't make it worse by pushing me to be whole and happy again. It'll happen on it's own..one day.
You can't force healing.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Job Insurances that cover some or all of IVF in Pennsylvania:
Uline, Inc., based out of Illinois, offers infertility coverage to all employees in all states. Employees must have 2 years of documented infertility. There is no dollar limit and you are allowed up to 4 IVF cycles for the first pregnancy, and 2 more for subsequent pregnancies, for a total of 90% coverage in-network, 70% out of network. Meds also covered.Uline's coverage is based on Illinois law but they extend it to employees who do not live in Illinois. (email 5-17-07)
United Parcel Service (UPS) (New York)
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna US Healthcare). As of January 1, 2003, will only cover 1 attempt per lifetime. Have to make sure you choose the hmo over the regular Aetna in order to get coverage. All meds covered 100% but must be from an authorized mail order pharmacy to be covered.
Source: Email submission 1/10/03 and 3/1/02
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna US Healthcare). As of January 1, 2003, will only cover 1 attempt per lifetime. Have to make sure you choose the hmo over the regular Aetna in order to get coverage. All meds covered 100% but must be from an authorized mail order pharmacy to be covered.
Source: Email submission 1/10/03 and 3/1/02
American Express
90% coverage with 15,000.00 lifetime maximum for IF benefits including IVF (United Healthcare PPO)
Source: Email submission 11/18/00
90% coverage with 15,000.00 lifetime maximum for IF benefits including IVF (United Healthcare PPO)
Source: Email submission 11/18/00
Bank of American covers up to 2 IVF (From email and posted 9-16-04)
CVS Pharmacy covers iui/ivf upto 10k lifetime max and 10klifetime max on fert meds. Source: Email submission 8-26-08
Chase Bank
All IF treatments are covered, including IVF (various for medical; Merck Medco for Rx); $25,000 lifetime benefit for IF (not including meds); $5,000 lifetime benefit for IF-specific meds; Adoption benefit of $10,000
Source: Email submission 3/8/03
All IF treatments are covered, including IVF (various for medical; Merck Medco for Rx); $25,000 lifetime benefit for IF (not including meds); $5,000 lifetime benefit for IF-specific meds; Adoption benefit of $10,000
Source: Email submission 3/8/03
Ford Motor Company : My IVF is being covered by Ford Motor Company. They cover 3 attempts.This is thru Humana KPPA (email 11-16-05
Frito Lay/Pepsi Co/Pepsi Bottling Group/Pepsi North America/ Quaker Food - LTM $25,000, covered: IVF, GIFT, ZIFT, IVC, Artifical Insemination, drugs, and dx testing 10-28-04
Source: Email submission 2/23/02
Source: Email submission 2/23/02
Independence Blue Cross (located in Philadelphia, PA)
All IF tx including IVF (100% coverage for 3 cycles); In addition all meds are covered with a $15.00 co pay through their Rx plan. Any employment with the company full time entitles you to benefits after the 1st of the month following employment date. Also, if you leave for any reason you are entitled to the SAME EXACT benefits through their COBRA plan. It is the best plan in PA.
All IF tx including IVF (100% coverage for 3 cycles); In addition all meds are covered with a $15.00 co pay through their Rx plan. Any employment with the company full time entitles you to benefits after the 1st of the month following employment date. Also, if you leave for any reason you are entitled to the SAME EXACT benefits through their COBRA plan. It is the best plan in PA.
Kinkos
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna); 6 cycles of IUI or AI. The PPO is 3 cycles of ART at 90% after 1,000.00 deductible. The EPO and HMO are 100% of 3 cycles and no deductible. There are 2 PPO's. The second is a 250.00 deductible and then 90% for ART.
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna); 6 cycles of IUI or AI. The PPO is 3 cycles of ART at 90% after 1,000.00 deductible. The EPO and HMO are 100% of 3 cycles and no deductible. There are 2 PPO's. The second is a 250.00 deductible and then 90% for ART.
Kraft Foods
All IF tx including IVF
All IF tx including IVF
Liberty Mutual Ins.
All IF tx including IVF
All IF tx including IVF
Proctor & Gamble (Ohio and possibly nationwide)
All IF tx including IVF (Various plans - infertility & adoption coverage is the same across all currently); For infertility, covers 80% of infertility services up to an annual maximum of $2500, 50% coverage on infertility drugs (no maximum). For adoptions, reimburses employees up to $5,000.00 per adoption for qualified expenses and up to $2,500.00 per child (50% of $5,000.00 benefit) for adoption fees. Up to a maximum of $15,000.00 will be paid under the Plan to any family during any 12-month period.
All IF tx including IVF (Various plans - infertility & adoption coverage is the same across all currently); For infertility, covers 80% of infertility services up to an annual maximum of $2500, 50% coverage on infertility drugs (no maximum). For adoptions, reimburses employees up to $5,000.00 per adoption for qualified expenses and up to $2,500.00 per child (50% of $5,000.00 benefit) for adoption fees. Up to a maximum of $15,000.00 will be paid under the Plan to any family during any 12-month period.
Time Warner and all sub-companies offer ivf 3xs, IUI 3xs, 100%
T Mobile: They offer 10K lifetime w/ 2,500.00 for meds. They cover infertility - including IVF, GIFT, ZIFT etc
Towers Perrin (Pennsylvania)
All IF tx including IVF (United Health Care); $10K per procedure/$20 lifetime. Towers Perrin has over 80 offices thru-out the country and multiple offices overseas. Please see www.towers.com for more inforamtion on office locations.
Source: Email submission 5/19/03
All IF tx including IVF (United Health Care); $10K per procedure/$20 lifetime. Towers Perrin has over 80 offices thru-out the country and multiple offices overseas. Please see www.towers.com for more inforamtion on office locations.
Source: Email submission 5/19/03
Verizon - Maine to WV (East Coast). $10,000 annual with a $20,000 lifetime cap. These figure includes any IF related procedures and meds
Xerox Corporation (All States)
All IF tx including IVF (BCBS, United, Aetna). Coverage is provided in all the states where Xerox is located. Coverage is limited to 3 IUI and 3 ART (IVF, GIFT, and/or ZIFT) attemps per lifetime per insurance; treatments and medications are covered 100% with regular co-payments of 10-15$$. After 1 insurance is used up, changing insurances will give you the fresh start!
All IF tx including IVF (BCBS, United, Aetna). Coverage is provided in all the states where Xerox is located. Coverage is limited to 3 IUI and 3 ART (IVF, GIFT, and/or ZIFT) attemps per lifetime per insurance; treatments and medications are covered 100% with regular co-payments of 10-15$$. After 1 insurance is used up, changing insurances will give you the fresh start!
Monday, February 1, 2016
On IVF making you become "ungrateful and selfish"
I'm completely shocked that so many people all have the same insensitive feeling: that secondary infertility is not a big deal and furthermore, wanting more children means you are ungrateful for what you have. I have been told that over and over, and it seriously stuns me.
I'm ungrateful for my children because I dare to want more? This is much more than just my story, so many women face this. But I find it easiest to break down when I'm being personal. So lets consider this:
2015 was the year we wanted to get pregnant again with our next child. The entire time we were ttc, I never once, NOT ONCE, was told that wanting to get pregnant meant I was ungrateful for the children I already had. It simply meant I wanted to expand my family. People were all on board, no one spoke against our decision. There were no negative comments and no one trying to have an opinion in how we conceived that baby.
Then in January, I have complications. I undergo a surgery that takes away the baby that was so wanted and the tube that has been responsible for my fertility for the last 8 years.
Suddenly, now that I can not naturally conceive, I am ungrateful for wanting more children.
I'm sorry to my fellow public, but that surgery only removed my precious angel and my fertility. It DID NOT remove my strong desire to have babies. It did not take out my want for a big family. Shockingly, it did not change my stance on anything at all. It simply removed a few items from my physical body. It didn't touch the thoughts and desires in my brain or my heart.
So why, in the process of just a three hour surgery, did everything change? Before getting surgery and therefore becoming infertile, I was never told wanting another child meant I was ungrateful or selfish. Not even once. I go to sleep for a few hours, wake up to my husband trying to tenderly tell me that the baby is gone and so is my fallopian tube, and suddenly the world is against me, telling me what I want is wrong.
What changed? I didn't. Why did everyone else?
Furthermore, why do people think it's suddenly okay, now that I have this fertility disability, to have an opinion on my personal decisions? True, I did announce what was happening and talked openly about where we hoped to go from here. I was truthful and honest with what was going on. I trusted those who I was telling (family and friends) to be understanding and kind. I reached out to people who might understand. And I get back that I shouldn't pursue having more kids, and in doing so, I'm ungrateful and I'm wrong in wanting to.
It's a slap in the face of my grief. It's a nasty realization on how the world works.
It's a fact that people are ignorant of what it's like to be in a situation when they have not experienced it themselves, but still pass judgement and have an opinion on the matter. We all do it in some way, about something. I can't understand why some people think vanilla ice cream is the best flavor. I do not impose upon them that they are wrong for thinking so and try to force feed them my own favorite.
A situation that relates closer to what's at hand, I never knew why people grieved so much for early miscarriages. I didn't get it. I didn't understand what it felt like to have such a strong connection, and then have that connection severed. I didn't know what it felt like to experience that hole, that loss. Now I do.
However, there have been many situations, including the one mentioned above, that I went years never understanding the full impact of. Yet the difference between me and the fleets of people out there is I never once tried to shove my unwanted opinion on anyone. I never once believed that I knew better and was more expert in the topic than the person that was actually living in that situation. I never had the audacity to be rude and tell them to not do something that would cause them healing and happiness when I had never been in the situation myself (Additionally, even if I had been in the situation, I've never once told someone how they should live their lives according to my own beliefs. If they asked for my opinion, I was always willing to give it, but I never offered it up against their wishes. I always felt that I should moreso lead by example than to forcibly attack others that go against my beliefs in their own personal lives.)
Being grateful for your children doesn't change whether you have the ability to naturally conceive or not. A naturally conceiving woman does not get questioned on her love of her children or how blessed she feels when she expresses the want for another baby. Yet someone who is grieving for babies who didn't stay, someone who can not have future children, someone who's very obviously already in such pain and turmoil, is called into question. Where is the justification in that? Truly, I'd love to know what people think when they say these things.
A woman who naturally conceived her child and then chooses to abort it has entire nations rallying behind her. She has rights, she has people cheering her on for making a choice about her body and what she feels is best for her. She goes in and ends a beating heart and there's so many that are on her side. So why is a woman who only wants to create a life so brought down just because she had outside help in conceiving that beloved child? Where are the nations rallying behind her? Where are the political sides patting her on the back? Instead, she is cast out and acted like she has committed something terrible by making a baby to raise in love and care.
Before telling someone that they should be grateful for what they have, make sure you've walked where they've walked, and been dragged through what they've been dragged through. Before you try to force your opinions on others, make sure you understand the day to day reality of their situation. Don't just try to imagine it, imagination does not stretch far enough when it's someone's everyday reality. Or, better yet, wait until they come to you for consult before attacking them or pushing upon them what you think. Allow them to ask for help and opinions before barging in and causing additional pain. Allow them to seek you, for if they're going to listen to you anyway, you must be a trusted and reliable ally. They'll come to you if you've been someone worthy of giving an opinion. If they don't come, your opinion wasn't wanted in the first place.
I'm ungrateful for my children because I dare to want more? This is much more than just my story, so many women face this. But I find it easiest to break down when I'm being personal. So lets consider this:
2015 was the year we wanted to get pregnant again with our next child. The entire time we were ttc, I never once, NOT ONCE, was told that wanting to get pregnant meant I was ungrateful for the children I already had. It simply meant I wanted to expand my family. People were all on board, no one spoke against our decision. There were no negative comments and no one trying to have an opinion in how we conceived that baby.
Then in January, I have complications. I undergo a surgery that takes away the baby that was so wanted and the tube that has been responsible for my fertility for the last 8 years.
Suddenly, now that I can not naturally conceive, I am ungrateful for wanting more children.
I'm sorry to my fellow public, but that surgery only removed my precious angel and my fertility. It DID NOT remove my strong desire to have babies. It did not take out my want for a big family. Shockingly, it did not change my stance on anything at all. It simply removed a few items from my physical body. It didn't touch the thoughts and desires in my brain or my heart.
So why, in the process of just a three hour surgery, did everything change? Before getting surgery and therefore becoming infertile, I was never told wanting another child meant I was ungrateful or selfish. Not even once. I go to sleep for a few hours, wake up to my husband trying to tenderly tell me that the baby is gone and so is my fallopian tube, and suddenly the world is against me, telling me what I want is wrong.
What changed? I didn't. Why did everyone else?
Furthermore, why do people think it's suddenly okay, now that I have this fertility disability, to have an opinion on my personal decisions? True, I did announce what was happening and talked openly about where we hoped to go from here. I was truthful and honest with what was going on. I trusted those who I was telling (family and friends) to be understanding and kind. I reached out to people who might understand. And I get back that I shouldn't pursue having more kids, and in doing so, I'm ungrateful and I'm wrong in wanting to.
It's a slap in the face of my grief. It's a nasty realization on how the world works.
It's a fact that people are ignorant of what it's like to be in a situation when they have not experienced it themselves, but still pass judgement and have an opinion on the matter. We all do it in some way, about something. I can't understand why some people think vanilla ice cream is the best flavor. I do not impose upon them that they are wrong for thinking so and try to force feed them my own favorite.
A situation that relates closer to what's at hand, I never knew why people grieved so much for early miscarriages. I didn't get it. I didn't understand what it felt like to have such a strong connection, and then have that connection severed. I didn't know what it felt like to experience that hole, that loss. Now I do.
However, there have been many situations, including the one mentioned above, that I went years never understanding the full impact of. Yet the difference between me and the fleets of people out there is I never once tried to shove my unwanted opinion on anyone. I never once believed that I knew better and was more expert in the topic than the person that was actually living in that situation. I never had the audacity to be rude and tell them to not do something that would cause them healing and happiness when I had never been in the situation myself (Additionally, even if I had been in the situation, I've never once told someone how they should live their lives according to my own beliefs. If they asked for my opinion, I was always willing to give it, but I never offered it up against their wishes. I always felt that I should moreso lead by example than to forcibly attack others that go against my beliefs in their own personal lives.)
Being grateful for your children doesn't change whether you have the ability to naturally conceive or not. A naturally conceiving woman does not get questioned on her love of her children or how blessed she feels when she expresses the want for another baby. Yet someone who is grieving for babies who didn't stay, someone who can not have future children, someone who's very obviously already in such pain and turmoil, is called into question. Where is the justification in that? Truly, I'd love to know what people think when they say these things.
A woman who naturally conceived her child and then chooses to abort it has entire nations rallying behind her. She has rights, she has people cheering her on for making a choice about her body and what she feels is best for her. She goes in and ends a beating heart and there's so many that are on her side. So why is a woman who only wants to create a life so brought down just because she had outside help in conceiving that beloved child? Where are the nations rallying behind her? Where are the political sides patting her on the back? Instead, she is cast out and acted like she has committed something terrible by making a baby to raise in love and care.
Before telling someone that they should be grateful for what they have, make sure you've walked where they've walked, and been dragged through what they've been dragged through. Before you try to force your opinions on others, make sure you understand the day to day reality of their situation. Don't just try to imagine it, imagination does not stretch far enough when it's someone's everyday reality. Or, better yet, wait until they come to you for consult before attacking them or pushing upon them what you think. Allow them to ask for help and opinions before barging in and causing additional pain. Allow them to seek you, for if they're going to listen to you anyway, you must be a trusted and reliable ally. They'll come to you if you've been someone worthy of giving an opinion. If they don't come, your opinion wasn't wanted in the first place.
The reason why "IVF takes God out of pregnancy" doesn't make sense
It seems as though most people who are against IVF are under misunderstandings of the procedures.
IVF does not make you pregnant. It doesn't take the conception out of God's hands any more than timing your cycles does. Yes, it gives you a fertilized egg in your body. But it just floats around in there after they put it in. IVF does not help with implanting the egg. It does not help with actually keeping the egg in there. It does not ever guarantee pregnancy. With a normal pregnancy when you time your cycles, many times you DO fertilize the egg. But that does not mean you'll get pregnant. A fertilized egg has to find it's way to the right place, has to implant on your lining. If it doesn't, you don't get pregnant and you get your period. A fertilized egg does not mean you're pregnant. It only helps sperm to meet egg for those who can't do it themselves.
Once you do get pregnant (if you do), IVF does not assist with keeping you pregnant. IVF's job is done. Staying pregnant is up to your body and God, just like any other pregnancy.
Oh, and guess what? Every article that is against IVF for religious purposes love to say that the eggs they don't implant in your cycle get washed down the sink. Um, nope! Those eggs are HARD to get. You need surgery to get them. Some eggs don't make it to fertilization. Those that do, some get implanted. The ones left over? They usually get frozen, because no one wants to put all their eggs in one basket and just assume they'll get pregnant on the first cycle. Those frozen eggs are then thawed the next month (and depending on how many you have) again the cycles after to try and get pregnant.
What if you get pregnant on your first try and you're done? What happens to those eggs then? Well, then you have the wonderful option of helping other infertile couples, which is the choice that I find the majority of people do. They donate the eggs they don't need to give hope to those who are also desperate to have babies, but don't have the ability to provide their own eggs or sperm.
Eggs getting washed down the sink? Doesn't really happen. Maybe if the couple is really insistent that they don't want any donations and don't want to use their eggs or save them for any reason, but hey, there's plenty of women out there that choose to get pregnant the normal way and then abort their babies. Why is the IVF person more at fault than the one who is able to get pregnant easily and then just kills her beating heart baby? Why should all IVF be ruled out simply because there are some that don't use their eggs? That's like saying all pregnancies should be banned because some choose abortion. It doesn't make sense.
The reason so many people say that it's against God to do IVF is because they say God's hand is taken out of it and the fertilized eggs are then killed, and both of those things are simply not true. God is still needed in getting pregnant with IVF just as much as a natural conception and the Christian women I see getting IVF done are not killing any of their eggs, but blessing others (or just using them, as most people don't seem to understand how many eggs it can take to get pregnant, how the ovary does not release a hundred eggs in a go around, how not all eggs collected mature enough to survive even getting fertilized, and those that are released aren't always healthy, mature eggs - just like when you ovulate naturally any month, sometimes those eggs are not healthy and mature!)
I have yet to see anyone who is well informed on how IVF works and all of the options available to IVF still argue that it's against God. On the contrary, those who are knowledgeable seem to think otherwise. I would at least respect arguments much more if they had at least the basic understanding represented here (and this only a brief summary of what there is to know before speaking out against it.)
IVF does not make you pregnant. It doesn't take the conception out of God's hands any more than timing your cycles does. Yes, it gives you a fertilized egg in your body. But it just floats around in there after they put it in. IVF does not help with implanting the egg. It does not help with actually keeping the egg in there. It does not ever guarantee pregnancy. With a normal pregnancy when you time your cycles, many times you DO fertilize the egg. But that does not mean you'll get pregnant. A fertilized egg has to find it's way to the right place, has to implant on your lining. If it doesn't, you don't get pregnant and you get your period. A fertilized egg does not mean you're pregnant. It only helps sperm to meet egg for those who can't do it themselves.
Once you do get pregnant (if you do), IVF does not assist with keeping you pregnant. IVF's job is done. Staying pregnant is up to your body and God, just like any other pregnancy.
Oh, and guess what? Every article that is against IVF for religious purposes love to say that the eggs they don't implant in your cycle get washed down the sink. Um, nope! Those eggs are HARD to get. You need surgery to get them. Some eggs don't make it to fertilization. Those that do, some get implanted. The ones left over? They usually get frozen, because no one wants to put all their eggs in one basket and just assume they'll get pregnant on the first cycle. Those frozen eggs are then thawed the next month (and depending on how many you have) again the cycles after to try and get pregnant.
What if you get pregnant on your first try and you're done? What happens to those eggs then? Well, then you have the wonderful option of helping other infertile couples, which is the choice that I find the majority of people do. They donate the eggs they don't need to give hope to those who are also desperate to have babies, but don't have the ability to provide their own eggs or sperm.
Eggs getting washed down the sink? Doesn't really happen. Maybe if the couple is really insistent that they don't want any donations and don't want to use their eggs or save them for any reason, but hey, there's plenty of women out there that choose to get pregnant the normal way and then abort their babies. Why is the IVF person more at fault than the one who is able to get pregnant easily and then just kills her beating heart baby? Why should all IVF be ruled out simply because there are some that don't use their eggs? That's like saying all pregnancies should be banned because some choose abortion. It doesn't make sense.
The reason so many people say that it's against God to do IVF is because they say God's hand is taken out of it and the fertilized eggs are then killed, and both of those things are simply not true. God is still needed in getting pregnant with IVF just as much as a natural conception and the Christian women I see getting IVF done are not killing any of their eggs, but blessing others (or just using them, as most people don't seem to understand how many eggs it can take to get pregnant, how the ovary does not release a hundred eggs in a go around, how not all eggs collected mature enough to survive even getting fertilized, and those that are released aren't always healthy, mature eggs - just like when you ovulate naturally any month, sometimes those eggs are not healthy and mature!)
I have yet to see anyone who is well informed on how IVF works and all of the options available to IVF still argue that it's against God. On the contrary, those who are knowledgeable seem to think otherwise. I would at least respect arguments much more if they had at least the basic understanding represented here (and this only a brief summary of what there is to know before speaking out against it.)
Getting more private about our plans
I'm pretty stunned by the feedback we've gotten lately by family and friends. We've been very open about how crushed and full of grief we are, and yet there are some who insist on still trying to make things difficult. It's really depressing, as if our situation wasn't depressing enough. We were open about wanting to do IVF, and that was apparently a mistake. So many people are trying to tell us it's a bad idea, or it's against God, or it's a waste of money. What right does anyone have to tell someone else about how they should conceive their very wanted baby? The audacity just stuns me. I can't imagine ever doing that. I've never had a problem with people doing IVF my entire life. It's not like I'm making allowances for us now that we're in it, it's not something I was ever against at all.
Those who are speaking out against us is just showing that we can't be open and we are totally alone in this. I won't be sharing our journey to IVF with anyone on our FB anymore. It's terrible that in such grief of losing a pregnancy and fertility, no one will give us any lee-way and instead are causing divides. I can't imagine ever going to someone in mourning and telling them that their only hope is horrible sinning or a horrible idea and telling them not to do it. We've made it clear that we won't be able to do IVF for a few years, so being so negative and mean right now is really not needed at all. There's a time and a place for everything if it must be done in the first place. I've never judged people for their decisions, or what they do in mourning. I've never once spoken out to someone to tell them their personal decisions are wrong or to try and include what I think, believe, and interperate into their private decisions.
Bill and I have prayed many hours of these weeks and feel strongly about what we're meant to do. It's not just personal want, it's true belief that this isn't wrong. Maybe that means we're in the wrong religion. There are things I've never quite agreed with, but didn't feel strongly enough to leave. But maybe this is a sign in it's own. It's something else we need to pray about. My belief in God has never once waivered, not through cancer or miscarriages or anything, and it won't in this. But my personal relationship to God doesn't always match up with what the church says it should. It's hard to find any religion that's perfectly cookie cutter shaped to fit in with exact beliefs. My beliefs have been shaped on my own outside of the church as well as in. I love the church, I love masses and I believe in about 95% of what the Catholic church preaches, but if that 5% of not agreeing makes me not a true Catholic, then maybe I'm not. I don't know.
I still feel like God is guiding our footsteps and showing us where to go next. I do not feel like we're leading ourselves. If that doesn't fit in with what other's perceptions are, than so be it. It'll cause a divide and distance and that will be upsetting, but I can't give up the chance at our future children and the path I feel we're being pulled to just for people's perceptions of what we should be doing. There's still plenty of time for our hearts to change, for our situation to change. IVF might not happen at all, who knows. But that will be our decision, not others, that will make that call.
Those who are speaking out against us is just showing that we can't be open and we are totally alone in this. I won't be sharing our journey to IVF with anyone on our FB anymore. It's terrible that in such grief of losing a pregnancy and fertility, no one will give us any lee-way and instead are causing divides. I can't imagine ever going to someone in mourning and telling them that their only hope is horrible sinning or a horrible idea and telling them not to do it. We've made it clear that we won't be able to do IVF for a few years, so being so negative and mean right now is really not needed at all. There's a time and a place for everything if it must be done in the first place. I've never judged people for their decisions, or what they do in mourning. I've never once spoken out to someone to tell them their personal decisions are wrong or to try and include what I think, believe, and interperate into their private decisions.
Bill and I have prayed many hours of these weeks and feel strongly about what we're meant to do. It's not just personal want, it's true belief that this isn't wrong. Maybe that means we're in the wrong religion. There are things I've never quite agreed with, but didn't feel strongly enough to leave. But maybe this is a sign in it's own. It's something else we need to pray about. My belief in God has never once waivered, not through cancer or miscarriages or anything, and it won't in this. But my personal relationship to God doesn't always match up with what the church says it should. It's hard to find any religion that's perfectly cookie cutter shaped to fit in with exact beliefs. My beliefs have been shaped on my own outside of the church as well as in. I love the church, I love masses and I believe in about 95% of what the Catholic church preaches, but if that 5% of not agreeing makes me not a true Catholic, then maybe I'm not. I don't know.
I still feel like God is guiding our footsteps and showing us where to go next. I do not feel like we're leading ourselves. If that doesn't fit in with what other's perceptions are, than so be it. It'll cause a divide and distance and that will be upsetting, but I can't give up the chance at our future children and the path I feel we're being pulled to just for people's perceptions of what we should be doing. There's still plenty of time for our hearts to change, for our situation to change. IVF might not happen at all, who knows. But that will be our decision, not others, that will make that call.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)