I've been having a rough time for the last few days.
My facebook is filled with friends and family who are finding out they're pregnant or sharing their pregnancy, and it really brings up a lot of hurt that I've been burying.
I was hoping that if I plunge myself into a crazy amount of work, I'd feel better. I opened the charity to take my grief and anger and make it productive and beautiful. And it is...but it's also grief and anger.
Our money situation is very tight. Very, very tight. And the more we try to improve our situation, the more jobs Bill gets denied for and the more every door seems to stay closed and locked with no doors opening, the more the dream of IVF seems like it will never become a reality. It hurts, trying to come to terms with never having another baby. I thought if I just ignored the baby thing, it might not be so important anymore. If I came up with new things that meant a lot to me and were important, the baby one would go away. But it doesn't work like that, does it?
Will is growing up at an amazing speed. I try to baby him, but especially lately, I can see how old he's getting. While I smile as he shows so much intelligence and ability, I cry inside that I'm losing my baby to childhood again, and this time there won't be another baby behind him.
I wasn't supposed to have two kids. I'm not made for a small family. I yearn for another. Just one more would do it, just so I can have that experience one more time and so I can say this pregnancy, birth, infancy, etc is the final one. I went through Will's babyhood so sure that there'd be another coming. I want that final feeling, and it feels like I'll never get it. I hate feeling like I'm not finished, that I'm missing my last one.
But finances are telling me to accept not getting that last baby that feels so vital and is missing from me. I hate feeling so incomplete.
I grieve as I watch others happily get pregnant, and wonder why I can't do that. It's so easy for others, so many people take their fertility for granted. So many don't even want it. I just want it one more time, and it hurts so badly to not have it. No amount of busy-ness can keep me from wanting it, or make me move on.
I don't know how to accept that there won't be another, that IVF probably won't happen. I don't know how to continue through life not feeling like there's a piece of me missing. I don't know how to not look back and mourn over never getting the chance to try. This is an open wound that will not go away. Time will not heal it, in fact so far time has only made it worse. Each passing month makes it hurt worse.
I continue to pray for the situation to change, but it seems like it's only getting worse instead of better. I pray that we get a miracle in 2016. We've had so much trial, pain and grief this year, it's time for something good to start happening. Please, may we catch a break and start having more happiness than sadness.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
More news on graduating, publishing and business
Very exciting news - I've been contacting Penn State about getting my degree. The bad news is that I do need one more class to graduate - and that class will be around $2,000 - something we definitely don't have at the moment. But I'm going to look through financial aid and try to find the money - one semester, one class - and I can finally graduate! I'll be graduating in Letters, Arts, and Sciences - which is good for small business. The class I need is in Business Writing - which I can definitely use for what I'm doing in my business right now. It all falls in line with what I'm already doing. Since the semester begins next month, I'm not sure if I'll be able to get everything together in time, so at worst, I should be able to do it in spring and graduate in May.
I'm just days away from re-launching Homespun Dreams. I'm hoping that will help me meet my monthly quotas. Summer is the hardest time for businesses - whether crafting or real stores - so it's been a rough month. But my hope is that having a business that's not about miscarriage and baby loss and can be used happily and in many situations will help get me off the ground.
I'm currently writing up everything I need to figure out prior to pitching sales to hospitals. Bill and I are sitting down figuring out exactly what needs to be done, quantities, discounts on wholesale, etc. I need about $65 as a start up fee, between business cards, clay, and a good display case for in person sales. I'm hoping to be ready to start pitching by either end of August or beginning of September.
My newest novel is 3k short of my word count goal, but it's been through a first and second draft. I'm going to go over it once more this week while I wait for my beta to be free, then going to have her go over it with a fine tooth comb and pick out everything that could possibly be wrong with it. I know a lot of writers hate this part, but I look forward to it. It means it's getting reader feedback so it can be polished and shined and all the kinks I know are there but can't see can be exposed. It's a big step towards getting it ready for publishing. I'm hoping the manuscript will be ready to be submitted by the end of August. Within two weeks from that, I should be hearing about my first manuscript.
Meanwhile, I'm slowly building up my author page. Honestly, I'm not really putting any effort into it. I post a lot of fun stuff for both readers and writers, and a lot of writers have flocked to it. Without promoting it to any friends or family, it's at about 70 followers. Not an impressive number, but with zero effort so far, it's not bad. I'll have to start promoting it before I submit my next novel.
I'm very excited about everything going on. I feel like I'm laying down the foundation this year for an amazing 2017. College graduate, owner of two small businesses, trying to get into actual, real stores, and becoming a published hopeful. This year has sucked, and it's still full of struggle, but I feel like it's all to crawl and climb before reaching that turn of the bend, and then I'll be able to see a smooth, easy path that's full of happy successes. I'm determined to make 2017 my year - and I'm putting forth the work now to make it so.
I'm just days away from re-launching Homespun Dreams. I'm hoping that will help me meet my monthly quotas. Summer is the hardest time for businesses - whether crafting or real stores - so it's been a rough month. But my hope is that having a business that's not about miscarriage and baby loss and can be used happily and in many situations will help get me off the ground.
I'm currently writing up everything I need to figure out prior to pitching sales to hospitals. Bill and I are sitting down figuring out exactly what needs to be done, quantities, discounts on wholesale, etc. I need about $65 as a start up fee, between business cards, clay, and a good display case for in person sales. I'm hoping to be ready to start pitching by either end of August or beginning of September.
My newest novel is 3k short of my word count goal, but it's been through a first and second draft. I'm going to go over it once more this week while I wait for my beta to be free, then going to have her go over it with a fine tooth comb and pick out everything that could possibly be wrong with it. I know a lot of writers hate this part, but I look forward to it. It means it's getting reader feedback so it can be polished and shined and all the kinks I know are there but can't see can be exposed. It's a big step towards getting it ready for publishing. I'm hoping the manuscript will be ready to be submitted by the end of August. Within two weeks from that, I should be hearing about my first manuscript.
Meanwhile, I'm slowly building up my author page. Honestly, I'm not really putting any effort into it. I post a lot of fun stuff for both readers and writers, and a lot of writers have flocked to it. Without promoting it to any friends or family, it's at about 70 followers. Not an impressive number, but with zero effort so far, it's not bad. I'll have to start promoting it before I submit my next novel.
I'm very excited about everything going on. I feel like I'm laying down the foundation this year for an amazing 2017. College graduate, owner of two small businesses, trying to get into actual, real stores, and becoming a published hopeful. This year has sucked, and it's still full of struggle, but I feel like it's all to crawl and climb before reaching that turn of the bend, and then I'll be able to see a smooth, easy path that's full of happy successes. I'm determined to make 2017 my year - and I'm putting forth the work now to make it so.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Priorities
You never quite realize how big your dreams are until you start writing down your quarterly goals for each one!
I'm about a week and a half away from launching my second business, about a month away from pitching to hospitals, and possibly only a few months away from finally getting a college degree. Bill went to look into going back to school for engineering yesterday, and while we were looking at all of his credits and what he needs, I looked into mine online. My credits seem to perfectly fall into Letters, Arts and Sciences major without me having to go back and do any further classes. I'm going to contact them this week and see if I can graduate in the next semester or two and finally be able to do the graduation walk.
I've completed about half the things I need to do to get my driver's license as well. I've gotten the physical, had the paperwork filled out by doctors, got a $9 replacement pair of glasses so I can legally be behind the wheel, found out about eye exam schedules, and downloaded the pdf on driving tests. Now I just need to get the exam, start reading the pdf, take the test for the permit, drive around for a bit, then take the driving test. It seems like graduating college, starting up a second business, putting my products into hospital gift shops, writing novels and sending them to publishers will all be easier than finding the time to practice and drive, but I'm going to add it in there anyway.
My business and writing goals are so long that they each took up a full page (so that's at least 20-25 goals per category for only the next three months!) I have so much work to do, it can get a little overwhelming. It's hard to prioritize, because everything is so important. I have to get my college degree before my credits get too old, which could be by next spring. I have to act now, and possibly do one or two more classes.
We need extra money. I need to shoulder Katie's ballet tuition, getting her ballet gear, paying for her costume and tickets, paying for birthdays, holidays, vacations and day trips, and afford all of the things I'm doing as well. (I'd also like to afford a new pair of glasses that don't scream that they only cost $9, and I'd like a laptop fund as I have no idea how much longer this one will last). This means that I have to continue building up the business and pulling money in. And if I'm going to run one business, it's not much more time and effort to run two, and the hospital gift shops is where the money is at.
I have to do the charity. I can't run stores and not the charity, it would feel wrong. So that has to stay in place with the businesses.
I have waited 20 years to get into this position of where I can write, edit and submit novels to publishers. I'm already years behind my dream schedule. I can't release that dream again. I don't want to hold off until I'm 35 or 40 to start doing it. It's the one thing I knew I wanted to do since I was 8 years old. It needs it's time. It's time seems like now. I'm not willing to push it off until later. I MUST work on this.
Kids need to be homeschooled. That's another chunk out of my day that requires my attention and planning and that can not be pushed off. It's also a top priority.
Honestly, driving is low priority to me personally, but I know it needs to happen. It's low priority because we don't have the money for me to get my own car. It'll raise the rates of our insurance. I have to take the kids with me, which means it's extra work to go without Bill, not less. And frankly, I don't trust myself to have access to craft stores every day. My wallet will NOT be happy, even if I blissfully am! I can say no on internet stores, but holding something in person? I'm buying it. Having a car to go down there every single time I get a new craft idea that I become crazy passionate over? Not good. Having a license certainly will not do the great things for me that the other items on the list will. It's certainly not quite as important. However, it's a big deal to everyone else, so I'm doing that too and I can't push it off forever. Even my doctor scolded me about not having one yet, though he completely understood how busy I've been through my late teens and into twenties.
Looking over that, it seems like I have a dozen things vying for top priority spot and not a single one of them are willing to step down. Which means I need to divide myself in that many ways, get a really good schedule going, and start working each item into my daily and weekly time slots. This is going to be an extremely busy year, but hopefully by the end, it'll have me happier and satisfied until the rest of my life can catch up and we can finally see what's possible and what's not possible, what dreams must be given up and what's still obtainable.
I'm about a week and a half away from launching my second business, about a month away from pitching to hospitals, and possibly only a few months away from finally getting a college degree. Bill went to look into going back to school for engineering yesterday, and while we were looking at all of his credits and what he needs, I looked into mine online. My credits seem to perfectly fall into Letters, Arts and Sciences major without me having to go back and do any further classes. I'm going to contact them this week and see if I can graduate in the next semester or two and finally be able to do the graduation walk.
I've completed about half the things I need to do to get my driver's license as well. I've gotten the physical, had the paperwork filled out by doctors, got a $9 replacement pair of glasses so I can legally be behind the wheel, found out about eye exam schedules, and downloaded the pdf on driving tests. Now I just need to get the exam, start reading the pdf, take the test for the permit, drive around for a bit, then take the driving test. It seems like graduating college, starting up a second business, putting my products into hospital gift shops, writing novels and sending them to publishers will all be easier than finding the time to practice and drive, but I'm going to add it in there anyway.
My business and writing goals are so long that they each took up a full page (so that's at least 20-25 goals per category for only the next three months!) I have so much work to do, it can get a little overwhelming. It's hard to prioritize, because everything is so important. I have to get my college degree before my credits get too old, which could be by next spring. I have to act now, and possibly do one or two more classes.
We need extra money. I need to shoulder Katie's ballet tuition, getting her ballet gear, paying for her costume and tickets, paying for birthdays, holidays, vacations and day trips, and afford all of the things I'm doing as well. (I'd also like to afford a new pair of glasses that don't scream that they only cost $9, and I'd like a laptop fund as I have no idea how much longer this one will last). This means that I have to continue building up the business and pulling money in. And if I'm going to run one business, it's not much more time and effort to run two, and the hospital gift shops is where the money is at.
I have to do the charity. I can't run stores and not the charity, it would feel wrong. So that has to stay in place with the businesses.
I have waited 20 years to get into this position of where I can write, edit and submit novels to publishers. I'm already years behind my dream schedule. I can't release that dream again. I don't want to hold off until I'm 35 or 40 to start doing it. It's the one thing I knew I wanted to do since I was 8 years old. It needs it's time. It's time seems like now. I'm not willing to push it off until later. I MUST work on this.
Kids need to be homeschooled. That's another chunk out of my day that requires my attention and planning and that can not be pushed off. It's also a top priority.
Honestly, driving is low priority to me personally, but I know it needs to happen. It's low priority because we don't have the money for me to get my own car. It'll raise the rates of our insurance. I have to take the kids with me, which means it's extra work to go without Bill, not less. And frankly, I don't trust myself to have access to craft stores every day. My wallet will NOT be happy, even if I blissfully am! I can say no on internet stores, but holding something in person? I'm buying it. Having a car to go down there every single time I get a new craft idea that I become crazy passionate over? Not good. Having a license certainly will not do the great things for me that the other items on the list will. It's certainly not quite as important. However, it's a big deal to everyone else, so I'm doing that too and I can't push it off forever. Even my doctor scolded me about not having one yet, though he completely understood how busy I've been through my late teens and into twenties.
Looking over that, it seems like I have a dozen things vying for top priority spot and not a single one of them are willing to step down. Which means I need to divide myself in that many ways, get a really good schedule going, and start working each item into my daily and weekly time slots. This is going to be an extremely busy year, but hopefully by the end, it'll have me happier and satisfied until the rest of my life can catch up and we can finally see what's possible and what's not possible, what dreams must be given up and what's still obtainable.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
July post - catching up
We're now half way through July!
The last week of June and the first week of July were really rough on me. It was pretty much nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. I was having extreme pain in my ovary. It felt like I was walking around with a knife stuck in it, and every time I moved, the knife jabbed and turned. To add to this, my cycles have been all over the place - one cycle was three weeks, and two weeks after I got that period, I got my next one. I was terrified that my ovary was rupturing (something I didn't even know could happen prior to this past January!) or a tumor was growing from it, or cancer had come back. I was a mess.
I called up the doctor after four days of the pain with no signs of it going away. Five days after that, I went in for a check up and ultrasound. They couldn't find anything wrong with my ovary, and said both ovary and uterus were fine. They didn't even see any cysts.. There was an assistant doctor there, and my doctor explained my whole story, from tumor, cancer, miscarriage, ectopic, and the fact that I'm missing half of my reproductive parts and only have one ovary and uterus left in there. He finished by saying "and she has children! Isn't that amazing?" Sometimes I forget that it IS amazing and my kids really are miracles. My body has been through so much, but it's also exceeded all expectations and did more than any doctor ever thought it would. He acknowledged that, understandably, it does come with the cost of medical paranoia and anxiety.
He couldn't answer the pain problem, but I think it's a severely strained or torn muscle and ligaments. It's been three weeks and the pain is still there. Heating pads and careful working is getting me through the day. I haven't been able to pick up the kids or run around for nearly a month.
In business news, I'm expanding. My angel store is doing well, but I feel like it can do much better if I push it. I'm going to be opening a second store that features babies for welcome baby gifts, baby showers, etc. as I've had so many people tell me that I should do it, that I am!
In addition, I'm going to start reaching out to my community. I'm going to ask local hospitals if they'd like to stock my items, and seek out local stores and stand opportunities. There's a new farmer's market that is literally across the street from my house. If I could get the town's approval to set up a table there with my angels and babies, I could just carry it across the street. It would be easy enough to check in on the kids, and get Bill to exchange with me during bathroom breaks, and get some food from home. It would be ideal, so I'm going to make a bunch of babies and ask for permission to set up. If I can sell just 5 babies each month, I can afford Katie's ballet tuition, all of her extra ballet costs, pay for gifts at holidays and birthdays, expand my business further, keep the charity going, and maybe put away a few dollars into savings (the last one is stretching it though!)
If opening a second business, prepping to set up at a stand each weekend, calling/emailing/visiting businesses, running a charity, homeschooling the kids and keeping up a house wasn't enough work, I'm also doing Camp Nanowrimo - a month full of writing where I need to write at least 2-3 thousand words a day. Today is exactly two weeks into it, and I have 30,000 words - half way through my first draft. I'm also 4 weeks out since I submitted my book to publishers, which means I have 8 more weeks until I hear back about it. My goal is to have my current novel ready to send off by the time I hear about the one that's already out.
This has been the craziest year of my life. I've been thrown through so many loops and so many new things are happening. Have I ever been this busy before? Even when taking a full college load and working 6-10 hours a night, I don't think I was this super busy. But it's fulfilling. I'm chasing dreams and making them come true. I've been a writer for twenty years and never got far enough to actually start submitting to publishers. I always got frustrated or lost confidence or just couldn't figure out how to make it work. Now I'm writing more than I have in seven years and I should have at least two novels submitted to publishers by the end of the year, with another novel (one already written from when I was teenager) soon after that.
Plus I've always wanted a successful craft business, but lacked time, finances and marketing. I'm able to tackle it much better now than ever before, and because the craft I make really means something to me, I have a lot of motivation to keep pushing and working on it. I feel more alive now than I have in a while, because I have two amazing kids, a very supportive husband, and hobbies that are turning into money. While 2016 is still so rocky, I'm hoping that by the time 2017 rolls around, I'll be doing really well!
The last week of June and the first week of July were really rough on me. It was pretty much nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. I was having extreme pain in my ovary. It felt like I was walking around with a knife stuck in it, and every time I moved, the knife jabbed and turned. To add to this, my cycles have been all over the place - one cycle was three weeks, and two weeks after I got that period, I got my next one. I was terrified that my ovary was rupturing (something I didn't even know could happen prior to this past January!) or a tumor was growing from it, or cancer had come back. I was a mess.
I called up the doctor after four days of the pain with no signs of it going away. Five days after that, I went in for a check up and ultrasound. They couldn't find anything wrong with my ovary, and said both ovary and uterus were fine. They didn't even see any cysts.. There was an assistant doctor there, and my doctor explained my whole story, from tumor, cancer, miscarriage, ectopic, and the fact that I'm missing half of my reproductive parts and only have one ovary and uterus left in there. He finished by saying "and she has children! Isn't that amazing?" Sometimes I forget that it IS amazing and my kids really are miracles. My body has been through so much, but it's also exceeded all expectations and did more than any doctor ever thought it would. He acknowledged that, understandably, it does come with the cost of medical paranoia and anxiety.
He couldn't answer the pain problem, but I think it's a severely strained or torn muscle and ligaments. It's been three weeks and the pain is still there. Heating pads and careful working is getting me through the day. I haven't been able to pick up the kids or run around for nearly a month.
In business news, I'm expanding. My angel store is doing well, but I feel like it can do much better if I push it. I'm going to be opening a second store that features babies for welcome baby gifts, baby showers, etc. as I've had so many people tell me that I should do it, that I am!
In addition, I'm going to start reaching out to my community. I'm going to ask local hospitals if they'd like to stock my items, and seek out local stores and stand opportunities. There's a new farmer's market that is literally across the street from my house. If I could get the town's approval to set up a table there with my angels and babies, I could just carry it across the street. It would be easy enough to check in on the kids, and get Bill to exchange with me during bathroom breaks, and get some food from home. It would be ideal, so I'm going to make a bunch of babies and ask for permission to set up. If I can sell just 5 babies each month, I can afford Katie's ballet tuition, all of her extra ballet costs, pay for gifts at holidays and birthdays, expand my business further, keep the charity going, and maybe put away a few dollars into savings (the last one is stretching it though!)
If opening a second business, prepping to set up at a stand each weekend, calling/emailing/visiting businesses, running a charity, homeschooling the kids and keeping up a house wasn't enough work, I'm also doing Camp Nanowrimo - a month full of writing where I need to write at least 2-3 thousand words a day. Today is exactly two weeks into it, and I have 30,000 words - half way through my first draft. I'm also 4 weeks out since I submitted my book to publishers, which means I have 8 more weeks until I hear back about it. My goal is to have my current novel ready to send off by the time I hear about the one that's already out.
This has been the craziest year of my life. I've been thrown through so many loops and so many new things are happening. Have I ever been this busy before? Even when taking a full college load and working 6-10 hours a night, I don't think I was this super busy. But it's fulfilling. I'm chasing dreams and making them come true. I've been a writer for twenty years and never got far enough to actually start submitting to publishers. I always got frustrated or lost confidence or just couldn't figure out how to make it work. Now I'm writing more than I have in seven years and I should have at least two novels submitted to publishers by the end of the year, with another novel (one already written from when I was teenager) soon after that.
Plus I've always wanted a successful craft business, but lacked time, finances and marketing. I'm able to tackle it much better now than ever before, and because the craft I make really means something to me, I have a lot of motivation to keep pushing and working on it. I feel more alive now than I have in a while, because I have two amazing kids, a very supportive husband, and hobbies that are turning into money. While 2016 is still so rocky, I'm hoping that by the time 2017 rolls around, I'll be doing really well!
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