Saturday, January 30, 2016
Infertility Treatment Financing Programs
http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/making-treatment-affordable/infertility-financing-programs.html
Thursday, January 28, 2016
There is no "at least" when it comes to grief...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/colleen-berge/infertility-a-grief-no-one-sees_b_8978064.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women&
This article is speaking everything I'm feeling. I think part of my anger problem right now is because it seems like everyone we share our grief with immediately just says "well at least you have two kids" and acts like that shuts the door on our grief, or like our grief isn't justified. Being truly grateful for two miracles does not rule out the pain of losing two miracles that were sent back to heaven, or take the mourning and pain out of the babies who we were waiting to come. Babies who we had already picked names out for, themes, ideas. Babies who might never come at all now. Saying "at least it's not..." does not take away the pain, it simply makes it feel like you don't think my situation is worth your sympathy.
I know everyone wants to take away pain or grief, but it is not yours to take or to transform. Let us have our grief so that we can begin to mend instead of feeling like outsiders that no one understands or just pushes aside. The best way to support someone going through a miscarriage or news of infertility is to be understanding, validate their pain, and be there as they work through it. Do not diminish it, recognize it for what it is and be present.
This article is speaking everything I'm feeling. I think part of my anger problem right now is because it seems like everyone we share our grief with immediately just says "well at least you have two kids" and acts like that shuts the door on our grief, or like our grief isn't justified. Being truly grateful for two miracles does not rule out the pain of losing two miracles that were sent back to heaven, or take the mourning and pain out of the babies who we were waiting to come. Babies who we had already picked names out for, themes, ideas. Babies who might never come at all now. Saying "at least it's not..." does not take away the pain, it simply makes it feel like you don't think my situation is worth your sympathy.
I know everyone wants to take away pain or grief, but it is not yours to take or to transform. Let us have our grief so that we can begin to mend instead of feeling like outsiders that no one understands or just pushes aside. The best way to support someone going through a miscarriage or news of infertility is to be understanding, validate their pain, and be there as they work through it. Do not diminish it, recognize it for what it is and be present.
Looking ahead
I'm one day shy of three weeks since my surgery and one week since my last ovarian cyst rupture. Bill is on his third day back at work (he had to take off Tuesday because the kids and I all got really sick and needed to go to the doctors.) I'm mostly physically healed at this point and I'm getting around better. My surgical incisions are healing, the scabs are starting to go away and time is moving on.
Yesterday I went to take my shower and I looked in the mirror and saw how different I look. I lost a few pounds in the last few weeks, and even though it was only about 5, since I was underweight before it's made a big difference. I haven't worked out in over a month, so my arms that were building muscle have shrunk. I stopped breastfeeding the day I had to go into the ER the first time, and the combination of no longer producing milk and losing weight has made me go from a DD cup to about a C. My belly button is no longer my belly button - it looks different since they did surgery in it again. I had five surgical scars all over my belly before, now I have a few extras. I barely recognize my body anymore. In an effort to try to be positive, I tried to smile. It was then, looking at the reflection of my feeble attempt, that I realized the smile looked the most shocking of all. I hadn't noticed until that moment that I haven't seen myself smile at all in almost a full month. I'm usually so giggly, so happy, so full of smiles and to realize that I haven't felt or seen myself really smile in so long was stunning. I knew I've been down, I knew I've been upset, but I don't think I realized before just how different I've been. I barely recognize who I was and who I am right now.
I've decided to stop freaking out about IVF. I'm still 100% wanting to do it, but I want to do it before three years is up. That gives me until I'm 30. After that, the kids will be too big (Katie would be 8 and Will would be 6 by the time the baby would be born) and I'd be uncomfortable with that big of an age gap and starting over. However, I know there's no way to do it this year. Right now we're just trying to figure out how to cover the bills now while Bill is working 7 days, especially after this whole fiasco had Bill out of work for 3 full weeks and it drained our entire emergency fund and our entire bank account.
I'm hoping next year we'll be able to find something to help us and we'll be able to go through the IVF through the following year. But until next year, there's not much reason to obsess over it. I found out all the information, spent about two weeks researching everything from every stage of how to do it, medicines required, best diets to go on prior to IVF, and how to make our insurance at least cover the cost for the initial consult (which we'll probably do later this year, probably right after August when I go back for my annual exam to get everything checked out, just so we can know the exact number range we're looking at)
Until then, I'm going to start throwing myself into the kids' education. Katie is starting kindergarten this year, and I'm going to start her on her full curriculum in the spring (last year she learned everything she needs to know for kindergarten already, except she still struggles with writing just because she doesn't like being told what to draw, so we'll be doing a quick cover of kindergarten and then moving onto first grade level work. Will is going to start preschool work at the same time. I've been slacking with him a bit, by his age Katie knew all of her colors, numbers 1-10, her alphabet and her basic shapes. Will knows some of these things, but definitely not in the way Katie knew them. He catches onto everything so quickly, I'm hoping to do his school work and then let him sit in with Katie's work and see what he picks up. I'd love to school them close together.
Outside of schooling, I'm going to start initiating Mommy/Daughter dates, Daddy/Daughter Dates and fun family outtings. I've been saving money for months by selling things to save up for it. It's not much, I'm not sure how far in my plans I'll be able to get, but I'm hoping by setting up at yard sales I can add to it. I want to really enjoy our kids and give them a great childhood. I am making sure that while I desperately want to complete our family one day, that it doesn't consume us and it doesn't distract us from what we already have. Katie's at an age where she'll love having some alone time with each parent and doing some fun out of home things. Of course, Will's going to get special fun too while Katie's dates are happening, but his are more of the free type. I'm also crossing my fingers that once in a while, Bill and I can start going on dates again. It's been almost 5 years since we've gone out together by ourselves without the kids. Now that they're both of age to be left alone with someone else, it'll be fun to go enjoy ourselves. Now I just have to find some free/extremely cheap date ideas! For family fun, I'm thinking of going to places like the zoo, since the kids love animals so much. I want to take Katie to Disney on Ice for her birthday (just crossing my fingers that they'll have some showings in the area around that time) and for her to see some movies in the movie theater with her Daddy and go to the ice cream parlor after.
It's going to be a rough year for us all around, a year full of very small holidays, strict budgets, lots of time at work separated, and trying to figure out how to improve our lives as well as how to make the IVF happen next year. It's going to be a trying time, this month kicking off how much of the year is going to feel; stressed, upsetting, hard. But hopefully by adding little bits of fun with the small amounts of cash I'll make, it'll help us get through it.
Yesterday I went to take my shower and I looked in the mirror and saw how different I look. I lost a few pounds in the last few weeks, and even though it was only about 5, since I was underweight before it's made a big difference. I haven't worked out in over a month, so my arms that were building muscle have shrunk. I stopped breastfeeding the day I had to go into the ER the first time, and the combination of no longer producing milk and losing weight has made me go from a DD cup to about a C. My belly button is no longer my belly button - it looks different since they did surgery in it again. I had five surgical scars all over my belly before, now I have a few extras. I barely recognize my body anymore. In an effort to try to be positive, I tried to smile. It was then, looking at the reflection of my feeble attempt, that I realized the smile looked the most shocking of all. I hadn't noticed until that moment that I haven't seen myself smile at all in almost a full month. I'm usually so giggly, so happy, so full of smiles and to realize that I haven't felt or seen myself really smile in so long was stunning. I knew I've been down, I knew I've been upset, but I don't think I realized before just how different I've been. I barely recognize who I was and who I am right now.
I've decided to stop freaking out about IVF. I'm still 100% wanting to do it, but I want to do it before three years is up. That gives me until I'm 30. After that, the kids will be too big (Katie would be 8 and Will would be 6 by the time the baby would be born) and I'd be uncomfortable with that big of an age gap and starting over. However, I know there's no way to do it this year. Right now we're just trying to figure out how to cover the bills now while Bill is working 7 days, especially after this whole fiasco had Bill out of work for 3 full weeks and it drained our entire emergency fund and our entire bank account.
I'm hoping next year we'll be able to find something to help us and we'll be able to go through the IVF through the following year. But until next year, there's not much reason to obsess over it. I found out all the information, spent about two weeks researching everything from every stage of how to do it, medicines required, best diets to go on prior to IVF, and how to make our insurance at least cover the cost for the initial consult (which we'll probably do later this year, probably right after August when I go back for my annual exam to get everything checked out, just so we can know the exact number range we're looking at)
Until then, I'm going to start throwing myself into the kids' education. Katie is starting kindergarten this year, and I'm going to start her on her full curriculum in the spring (last year she learned everything she needs to know for kindergarten already, except she still struggles with writing just because she doesn't like being told what to draw, so we'll be doing a quick cover of kindergarten and then moving onto first grade level work. Will is going to start preschool work at the same time. I've been slacking with him a bit, by his age Katie knew all of her colors, numbers 1-10, her alphabet and her basic shapes. Will knows some of these things, but definitely not in the way Katie knew them. He catches onto everything so quickly, I'm hoping to do his school work and then let him sit in with Katie's work and see what he picks up. I'd love to school them close together.
Outside of schooling, I'm going to start initiating Mommy/Daughter dates, Daddy/Daughter Dates and fun family outtings. I've been saving money for months by selling things to save up for it. It's not much, I'm not sure how far in my plans I'll be able to get, but I'm hoping by setting up at yard sales I can add to it. I want to really enjoy our kids and give them a great childhood. I am making sure that while I desperately want to complete our family one day, that it doesn't consume us and it doesn't distract us from what we already have. Katie's at an age where she'll love having some alone time with each parent and doing some fun out of home things. Of course, Will's going to get special fun too while Katie's dates are happening, but his are more of the free type. I'm also crossing my fingers that once in a while, Bill and I can start going on dates again. It's been almost 5 years since we've gone out together by ourselves without the kids. Now that they're both of age to be left alone with someone else, it'll be fun to go enjoy ourselves. Now I just have to find some free/extremely cheap date ideas! For family fun, I'm thinking of going to places like the zoo, since the kids love animals so much. I want to take Katie to Disney on Ice for her birthday (just crossing my fingers that they'll have some showings in the area around that time) and for her to see some movies in the movie theater with her Daddy and go to the ice cream parlor after.
It's going to be a rough year for us all around, a year full of very small holidays, strict budgets, lots of time at work separated, and trying to figure out how to improve our lives as well as how to make the IVF happen next year. It's going to be a trying time, this month kicking off how much of the year is going to feel; stressed, upsetting, hard. But hopefully by adding little bits of fun with the small amounts of cash I'll make, it'll help us get through it.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
IVF Write Off
Things to look into: You can write off IVF on your taxes that exceed 10% of your income. This probably wouldn't work for us, as it would mean paying about $6,000 out of our own pocket to do IVF (and we certainly don't have that) but if worse comes to worse, it would be something to look into.
Of becoming Infertile and our future plans
When I was 19, I had a large tumor that also had cancer cells. I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, but was lucky enough to get away with only losing one ovary, one fallopian tube, my appendix and some lymph nodes. The doctors were "pretty sure" my fertility would be okay, and sent me on my way.
When I was 21, I got married and at 22, I got pregnant with my first. She was a beautiful little girl that was born just 4 days before my own birthday, and she was everything I've always wanted. One child born into our family, and we had hope that many more would follow. We always wanted "at least four" children, with the possibility of one or two more.
We got pregnant again when our first was 15 months old, but that was our first taste of loss. Everything went perfectly until I started bleeding at 12 weeks along, and a day before I turned 13 weeks, I miscarried our baby. It was a horrible experience, and it left us feeling so upset for months after.
What helped heal us was our next miracle. We accidentally got pregnant just a few months after our loss, and that turned into our rainbow baby. Our son was born at 42 weeks and 1 day, healthy and perfect.
When our children were 4 and almost 2, we decided to start trying for another. We tried for three months. Just as New Year's Eve was beginning, I was rushed in the middle of the night to the ER, where I was told I was pregnant but there was something wrong. At first, they said it was a regular miscarriage. Then they discovered a large ovarian cyst that was bleeding into my abdomen. I had to be observed for days. We got second opinions, and then thirds. No one could tell what was wrong, I presented as a normal miscarriage with a chance of ectopic, but the ectopic didn't seem right either. My numbers were doubling higher than ectopics normally reached, I was in no pain, no tenderness and had gone back to feeling fine. A week and two days after I was in the ER, I was finally diagnosed officially with an ectopic and was brought back into the hospital to be given the surgery.
The tube, the only remaining tube I've had since I was 19, bled too much in surgery and became too damaged. They had to take the entire thing, leaving me with being unable to ever naturally conceive.
I have my ovary and my uterus left, which means IVF is the only chance I have at multiplying our family.
The problem with IVF is it's very expensive and a long procedure. We do not live in a mandated state that has insurance cover it. We checked our insurance and it in fact covers nothing for IVF at all.
This means not only was infertility completely changing our lives, but now we had many lifechanging things to come. We are currently in the middle of these decisions.
Our first steps are looking into jobs at the hospitals surrounding us and finding out which hospital offers the most IVF coverage. We need to find a job that has minimal education needed (so far it looks like everything needs 2 year degree plus 1000 hour clinicals.
Once he has the training for that job, we have to see if we can find an opening in a hospital that does IVF coverage. If not, we'll be making a move out of state to a mandated coverage state and be applying to a hospital nearby.
This is a ton of work that will need a ton of money and patience. It means sacrificing time with my husband so he can work and go to school and do clinicals. It means moving away from family (we were planning an out of state move anyway, but half of my family was going with. Now we may be moving away from everybody depending on which states has the best coverage). All of this just to get a chance at the IVF process and pray that after going through weeks of medications, shots in the stomach, painful surgical procedure to get the eggs removed, then praying the fertilized eggs grow enough to be used and have some left over for freezing for other cycles...it's overwhelming, honestly. But THIS is how much we want a chance of growing our family.
I always felt such a pull to have at least four kids. I feel incomplete. I feel robbed of what I was destined for. I so desire another pregnancy, going through all the joys of growing a baby and having a tiny infant again. I want another little toddler, another buddy for my two kids. I'd love to have two more, but right now I'm focused on at least getting one more chance. Of course, I'd love to have twins next time and have the best of both worlds, but I'm not focusing on that right now. Right now is the boring part - calling around colleges to finish up my husband's degree, despite just finishing off our student loan debt three weeks ago. It's a bit of a slap in the face, after 6 years of struggling under student loans we finally were able to get rid of them and not even a month goes by when we find out we'll be taking on more.
I wish I could say we could take the easy way and just only have two kids. But I think I'd regret it forever if we didn't try IVF, if we didn't make any attempts to have more. I'm not just in a baby fever phase, I'm not whole yet. I'll know when we're complete, and right now we're not. Of course everyone throws adoption and fostering at us, but it's not the direction I feel pulled to. It's not the same. I want the pregnancy, I want the birth, I want it all. Fostering would break my heart and adoption would skip over all the things my body is craving so much. So IVF is something I need a chance at. If it doesn't work, then I can at least reconcile myself with having tried everything we could to make it happen. Not trying at all just seems like it would forever hurt my heart.
When I was 21, I got married and at 22, I got pregnant with my first. She was a beautiful little girl that was born just 4 days before my own birthday, and she was everything I've always wanted. One child born into our family, and we had hope that many more would follow. We always wanted "at least four" children, with the possibility of one or two more.
We got pregnant again when our first was 15 months old, but that was our first taste of loss. Everything went perfectly until I started bleeding at 12 weeks along, and a day before I turned 13 weeks, I miscarried our baby. It was a horrible experience, and it left us feeling so upset for months after.
What helped heal us was our next miracle. We accidentally got pregnant just a few months after our loss, and that turned into our rainbow baby. Our son was born at 42 weeks and 1 day, healthy and perfect.
When our children were 4 and almost 2, we decided to start trying for another. We tried for three months. Just as New Year's Eve was beginning, I was rushed in the middle of the night to the ER, where I was told I was pregnant but there was something wrong. At first, they said it was a regular miscarriage. Then they discovered a large ovarian cyst that was bleeding into my abdomen. I had to be observed for days. We got second opinions, and then thirds. No one could tell what was wrong, I presented as a normal miscarriage with a chance of ectopic, but the ectopic didn't seem right either. My numbers were doubling higher than ectopics normally reached, I was in no pain, no tenderness and had gone back to feeling fine. A week and two days after I was in the ER, I was finally diagnosed officially with an ectopic and was brought back into the hospital to be given the surgery.
The tube, the only remaining tube I've had since I was 19, bled too much in surgery and became too damaged. They had to take the entire thing, leaving me with being unable to ever naturally conceive.
I have my ovary and my uterus left, which means IVF is the only chance I have at multiplying our family.
The problem with IVF is it's very expensive and a long procedure. We do not live in a mandated state that has insurance cover it. We checked our insurance and it in fact covers nothing for IVF at all.
This means not only was infertility completely changing our lives, but now we had many lifechanging things to come. We are currently in the middle of these decisions.
Our first steps are looking into jobs at the hospitals surrounding us and finding out which hospital offers the most IVF coverage. We need to find a job that has minimal education needed (so far it looks like everything needs 2 year degree plus 1000 hour clinicals.
Once he has the training for that job, we have to see if we can find an opening in a hospital that does IVF coverage. If not, we'll be making a move out of state to a mandated coverage state and be applying to a hospital nearby.
This is a ton of work that will need a ton of money and patience. It means sacrificing time with my husband so he can work and go to school and do clinicals. It means moving away from family (we were planning an out of state move anyway, but half of my family was going with. Now we may be moving away from everybody depending on which states has the best coverage). All of this just to get a chance at the IVF process and pray that after going through weeks of medications, shots in the stomach, painful surgical procedure to get the eggs removed, then praying the fertilized eggs grow enough to be used and have some left over for freezing for other cycles...it's overwhelming, honestly. But THIS is how much we want a chance of growing our family.
I always felt such a pull to have at least four kids. I feel incomplete. I feel robbed of what I was destined for. I so desire another pregnancy, going through all the joys of growing a baby and having a tiny infant again. I want another little toddler, another buddy for my two kids. I'd love to have two more, but right now I'm focused on at least getting one more chance. Of course, I'd love to have twins next time and have the best of both worlds, but I'm not focusing on that right now. Right now is the boring part - calling around colleges to finish up my husband's degree, despite just finishing off our student loan debt three weeks ago. It's a bit of a slap in the face, after 6 years of struggling under student loans we finally were able to get rid of them and not even a month goes by when we find out we'll be taking on more.
I wish I could say we could take the easy way and just only have two kids. But I think I'd regret it forever if we didn't try IVF, if we didn't make any attempts to have more. I'm not just in a baby fever phase, I'm not whole yet. I'll know when we're complete, and right now we're not. Of course everyone throws adoption and fostering at us, but it's not the direction I feel pulled to. It's not the same. I want the pregnancy, I want the birth, I want it all. Fostering would break my heart and adoption would skip over all the things my body is craving so much. So IVF is something I need a chance at. If it doesn't work, then I can at least reconcile myself with having tried everything we could to make it happen. Not trying at all just seems like it would forever hurt my heart.
Making This Blog
I wasn't planning on making a blog about this. I thought it would be too sad, and who would want to read a sad blog? I have enough trouble reading over sad parts from other pregnancies I had, and this one seemed like it would be all sad.
But the more I learn about IVF, the more hope I have. The more I research, the more information I want to store for later when it becomes important. There's so much to learn.
I also feel like I'm bursting. Bursting to talk about what I'm going through, what I'm feeling...but I don't actually want to tell anyone specific. I just want to get it out of me so that it's released. There's so many emotions that are so overwhelming after being told that you're now permanently infertile and can not naturally conceive ever again. I was only half way through completing our family, there's still so much more to grow, and this news shattered me. For now, this blog is on private so only I have access to it. Hopefully in time, I will have something to show others, a blog that can help others or just share in the emotions of what infertility is like.
So here's yet another blog. I've had one for each pregnancy, so I suppose I should have one in my lack of pregnancy while I wait, and then while I go through, IVF and hopefully beyond.
But the more I learn about IVF, the more hope I have. The more I research, the more information I want to store for later when it becomes important. There's so much to learn.
I also feel like I'm bursting. Bursting to talk about what I'm going through, what I'm feeling...but I don't actually want to tell anyone specific. I just want to get it out of me so that it's released. There's so many emotions that are so overwhelming after being told that you're now permanently infertile and can not naturally conceive ever again. I was only half way through completing our family, there's still so much more to grow, and this news shattered me. For now, this blog is on private so only I have access to it. Hopefully in time, I will have something to show others, a blog that can help others or just share in the emotions of what infertility is like.
So here's yet another blog. I've had one for each pregnancy, so I suppose I should have one in my lack of pregnancy while I wait, and then while I go through, IVF and hopefully beyond.
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