Looking ahead

I'm one day shy of three weeks since my surgery and one week since my last ovarian cyst rupture.  Bill is on his third day back at work (he had to take off Tuesday because the kids and I all got really sick and needed to go to the doctors.) I'm mostly physically healed at this point and I'm getting around better. My surgical incisions are healing, the scabs are starting to go away and time is moving on.

Yesterday I went to take my shower and I looked in the mirror and saw how different I look. I lost a few pounds in the last few weeks, and even though it was only about 5, since I was underweight before it's made a big difference. I haven't worked out in over a month, so my arms that were building muscle have shrunk. I stopped breastfeeding the day I had to go into the ER the first time, and the combination of no longer producing milk and losing weight has made me go from a DD cup to about a C. My belly button is no longer my belly button - it looks different since they did surgery in it again. I had five surgical scars all over my belly before, now I have a few extras. I barely recognize my body anymore. In an effort to try to be positive, I tried to smile. It was then, looking at the reflection of my feeble attempt, that I realized the smile looked the most shocking of all. I hadn't noticed until that moment that I haven't seen myself smile at all in almost a full month. I'm usually so giggly, so happy, so full of smiles and to realize that I haven't felt or seen myself really smile in so long was stunning. I knew I've been down, I knew I've been upset, but I don't think I realized before just how different I've been. I barely recognize who I was and who I am right now.

I've decided to stop freaking out about IVF. I'm still 100% wanting to do it, but I want to do it before three years is up. That gives me until I'm 30. After that, the kids will be too big (Katie would be 8 and Will would be 6 by the time the baby would be born) and I'd be uncomfortable with that big of an age gap and starting over. However, I know there's no way to do it this year. Right now we're just trying to figure out how to cover the bills now while Bill is working 7 days, especially after this whole fiasco had Bill out of work for 3 full weeks and it drained our entire emergency fund and our entire bank account.

I'm hoping next year we'll be able to find something to help us and we'll be able to go through the IVF through the following year. But until next year, there's not much reason to obsess over it. I found out all the information, spent about two weeks researching everything from every stage of how to do it, medicines required, best diets to go on prior to IVF, and how to make our insurance at least cover the cost for the initial consult (which we'll probably do later this year, probably right after August when I go back for my annual exam to get everything checked out, just so we can know the exact number range we're looking at)

Until then, I'm going to start throwing myself into the kids' education. Katie is starting kindergarten this year, and I'm going to start her on her full curriculum in the spring (last year she learned everything she needs to know for kindergarten already, except she still struggles with writing just because she doesn't like being told what to draw, so we'll be doing a quick cover of kindergarten and then moving onto first grade level work. Will is going to start preschool work at the same time. I've been slacking with him a bit, by his age Katie knew all of her colors, numbers 1-10, her alphabet and her basic shapes. Will knows some of these things, but definitely not in the way Katie knew them. He catches onto everything so quickly, I'm hoping to do his school work and then let him sit in with Katie's work and see what he picks up. I'd love to school them close together.

Outside of schooling, I'm going to start initiating Mommy/Daughter dates, Daddy/Daughter Dates and fun family outtings. I've been saving money for months by selling things to save up for it. It's not much, I'm not sure how far in my plans I'll be able to get, but I'm hoping by setting up at yard sales I can add to it. I want to really enjoy our kids and give them a great childhood. I am making sure that while I desperately want to complete our family one day, that it doesn't consume us and it doesn't distract us from what we already have. Katie's at an age where she'll love having some alone time with each parent and doing some fun out of home things. Of course, Will's going to get special fun too while Katie's dates are happening, but his are more of the free type. I'm also crossing my fingers that once in a while, Bill and I can start going on dates again. It's been almost 5 years since we've gone out together by ourselves without the kids. Now that they're both of age to be left alone with someone else, it'll be fun to go enjoy ourselves. Now I just have to find some free/extremely cheap date ideas! For family fun, I'm thinking of going to places like the zoo, since the kids love animals so much. I want to take Katie to Disney on Ice for her birthday (just crossing my fingers that they'll have some showings in the area around that time) and for her to see some movies in the movie theater with her Daddy and go to the ice cream parlor after.

It's going to be a rough year for us all around, a year full of very small holidays, strict budgets, lots of time at work separated, and trying to figure out how to improve our lives as well as how to make the IVF happen next year. It's going to be a trying time, this month kicking off how much of the year is going to feel; stressed, upsetting, hard. But hopefully by adding little bits of fun with the small amounts of cash I'll make, it'll help us get through it.