This year, so many things changed. It felt like all the pieces were falling into place. We were excited that it seemed like it was God's way of letting us doing IVF. We felt sure that next year, we'd be able to do our one round.
But since then, we've both felt the same way as each other. Like we're struggling to swim up a rushing river that's pushing us away from our goal. I've felt it for a while but had no idea why. I also didn't know that Bill felt the same way. Something changed while nothing else was. Something just felt not right, for both of us, at the same time.
Our house no longer has baby stuff in it. Before this month is over, all of our toddler stuff will be gone too. We're switching out toddler beds for big kid beds. We're going through all of our toddler toys and getting rid of them. Our home has matured into a big kid house.
It feels like life keeps pushing us forward even when we cling to the past. It feels like we're trying so hard to fight the current. And we're tired of resisting.
We decided, tearfully for me, last night that we're going to stop resisting. We're going to let go and let life take us where it's trying to have us go. If one day down the line, something happens that will let us do IVF (a change in insurance, a large gift of money, inheritance, etc) then we will immediately revisit the issue. I'm still in my twenties, I have time to have babies if that's something that will present itself one day.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to remember how much fun my childhood was back when it was just my brother and me. We did so much stuff, my mom had so much time for us. It was fun, we were so close. While it was fun to have little siblings later on (10-16 years younger than me), the family dynamic changed drastically. We didn't have money to do fun things, go on vacation, do sports. We didn't have as much time with my mom. We were less close and busier.
I hope with only two kids, we can give those two kids an amazing childhood full of amazing memories. We can give them opportunities and let them join lots of programs. We can go on vacations, have fun Christmases, move to where we want to move without needing a million bedrooms or squeezing.
While we both so badly want another baby, there is a great life that can be had with how we are now. I'm trying to hold onto that. Enjoy the family we have. Live life to the fullest and have a great time with what we have.
This doesn't mean all hope is lost. We're just going to stop trying to force it. If one day opportunity comes to us, our door will be open.
