Rough few days...

I've been having a rough time for the last few days.

My facebook is filled with friends and family who are finding out they're pregnant or sharing their pregnancy, and it really brings up a lot of hurt that I've been burying.

I was hoping that if I plunge myself into a crazy amount of work, I'd feel better. I opened the charity to take my grief and anger and make it productive and beautiful. And it is...but it's also grief and anger.

Our money situation is very tight. Very, very tight. And the more we try to improve our situation, the more jobs Bill gets denied for and the more every door seems to stay closed and locked with no doors opening, the more the dream of IVF seems like it will never become a reality. It hurts, trying to come to terms with never having another baby. I thought if I just ignored the baby thing, it might not be so important anymore. If I came up with new things that meant a lot to me and were important, the baby one would go away. But it doesn't work like that, does it?

Will is growing up at an amazing speed. I try to baby him, but especially lately, I can see how old he's getting. While I smile as he shows so much intelligence and ability, I cry inside that I'm losing my baby to childhood again, and this time there won't be another baby behind him.

I wasn't supposed to have two kids. I'm not made for a small family. I yearn for another. Just one more would do it, just so I can have that experience one more time and so I can say this pregnancy, birth, infancy, etc is the final one. I went through Will's babyhood so sure that there'd be another coming. I want that final feeling, and it feels like I'll never get it. I hate feeling like I'm not finished, that I'm missing my last one.

But finances are telling me to accept not getting that last baby that feels so vital and is missing from me. I hate feeling so incomplete.

I grieve as I watch others happily get pregnant, and wonder why I can't do that. It's so easy for others, so many people take their fertility for granted. So many don't even want it. I just want it one more time, and it hurts so badly to not have it. No amount of busy-ness can keep me from wanting it, or make me move on.

I don't know how to accept that there won't be another, that IVF probably won't happen. I don't know how to continue through life not feeling like there's a piece of me missing. I don't know how to not look back and mourn over never getting the chance to try. This is an open wound that will not go away. Time will not heal it, in fact so far time has only made it worse. Each passing month makes it hurt worse.

I continue to pray for the situation to change, but it seems like it's only getting worse instead of better. I pray that we get a miracle in 2016. We've had so much trial, pain and grief this year, it's time for something good to start happening. Please, may we catch a break and start having more happiness than sadness.