And so, September begins....

It's now September. I've dreaded September ever since 2016 started.

September was my due date month.

I still remember lying in the hospital ER, holding Bill's hand, calculating what the due date would be if our babies survived. The doctor later confirmed the date: September 17th. We hoped beyond hope. We clung to the high risk doctor's words: that there was a 50/50 chance that the baby in the uterus would go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I came into the hospital with two babies, I was desperate to leave with at least one still thriving.

I ended up losing the baby that was safe in the uterus before the baby that was later located in my tube. My hormone levels were through the roof, my progesterone levels were messed up, I think my body got really confused on what was happening. The ectopic made everything go out of wack, and I think that's what caused the baby in the uterus to not make it.

Despite the many prayers, both from us and from those we reached out to, neither baby made it through that hospital stay. And now it's September, and it's impossible to not think about how things would have been, had that one baby not attached just an inch or so before it should have. If it had successfully reached the uterus, I'd be having twins any day now. I'd be huge and uncomfortable but so excited.

Instead, this has been the worst year of my life. No, not even just for the reason of losing babies. Not even for the infertility struggle, though both have them have been major players. We have been hit from every angle. It feels like January knocked us down and the rest of 2016 put a heavy boot on top of us and refuses to let us get up. It just keeps crushing us into the cement.

Countless times in the last 9 months, we'd sigh with relief, grateful that finally, finally, we figured out the answer. We were going to make things better. Then we'd get a phone call, find out more information, or get a refusal. Every time it would be crushing, realizing that we were no closer to the answer than before, and we had exhausted one more hope. The last time this happened was just a few days ago. As the months go on, our situation gets worse. I'm not sure what curse has befallen us, because this is almost a beyond belief amount of bad luck. I'm in continuous prayer that this dark time will lift very, very soon. Just to be sure what direction we should head in, just a little encouragement, would do so much.