Jamie?

I have found a negative aspect to the charity. Which may not be negative in the long term, but it sucks right now.

With every angel that goes out, they will be in name of our angels. We'll have business cards with the name of the charity and they're have the names of our own baby loss angels.

This means that we finally have to decide about what happened in January.

There were two babies. Jesse was the one that got most of the attention because he was endangering me. But I spoke with multiple doctors including the head of high risk, and they found a baby in my uterus, which was growing over a period of days and was measuring exactly on time. They were looking at a baby so they said the bleeding was probably not from an ectopic but instead the rupture. However with the baby measuring exactly on time, they couldn't figure out why my numbers were so, so much higher than they should be. About double the normal and constantly going up more rapidly than expected.

After visiting the high risk doctor, who told me the sac shape meant it could be an unhealthy pregnancy that my body was going to get rid of or it could fix itself and get better, I bled heavily for two days with a lot of pain. They did another ultrasound the day after the heavy bleeding stopped and the sac was gone. This was done by a very unacknowledgable ultrasound tech who, we found out later, missed seeing A LOT, and doctors who were just part of the office. These were not the heads of their departments or highly recommended. Now that the sac was gone, they said it might not have been a baby after all and dismissed it as a possible fluid sac that the good doctors read wrong. But they couldn't explain why my numbers were so high. Even with an ectopic, the numbers were very rare and much higher than an ectopic baby would produce alone. However with the threat of the now definite ectopic, whether that baby in my uterus had been a baby or not was no longer any of their concern and they never mentioned it again.

I can not be 100% certain because of that, but I have always felt in my heart that it was definitely a baby. Even when I wished it wasn't just to cause my heart less pain, I still had whispers of "you know that's your baby."

Originally, Jesse's name was Jamie. We named Jamie while looking at the ultrasound picture of the baby in my uterus. Two weeks later when they took the baby out of my tube, it didn't feel like a Jamie so we went with Jesse. But now I know that Jesse didn't feel like a Jamie because he wasn't Jamie. He was a separate baby from his twin.

The problem with this is having to acknowledge yet another loss. That when we lost our baby and my fertility, we lost more than that - we lost twins. We lost Jesse and Jamie. It's something that weighed heavily on me, whether to acknowledge the baby we lost while waiting to lose another, when the many doctors who only saw me at random parts of my stays couldn't completely agree or just didn't care. Do we ignore our other baby just in case one or two doctors were wrong? Or do we go with the Heads of their departments, who saw me from beginning and middle, who claimed that baby for what it was?

If I'm doing acts of service and acknowledging all of our angels in the process, I want to come to a decision once and for all. I don't think I can ever silence the whispers inside that talk of Jamie by name, that remember that ultrasound picture and that time with the high risk doctor telling me about the baby for a half hour.

I'm leaving it up to Bill about whether to call our loss just by Jesse's name or not. He wasn't there during the high risk doctor appointment, but he heard all about it. He has a good sense for these things. I'm curious to see what his feelings and thoughts are, and how to approach this and exactly what we'll do from here in other aspects outside of the charity. It's a lot to think about, and none of it feels good. It hurts to think we lost two babies at once, twins that are all I want now. But it's just as hard to not think about a baby that we may be ignoring.