I sorted through baby clothing to get rid of.
I started with five totes, filled to the brim. Some were Katie's tiny girly clothing that was nothing but clothes in every shade of pink. Another was all of Will's clothes, all of my favorites. There was a gender neutral tote I was saving for baby #3, who was going to be our surprise gender baby. Another that held new baby girl clothing, full of beautiful boutique outfits waiting for the next daughter of my dreams to fill them. Then there were mixed boxes of different sizes and different seasons.
I limited them all down until I had one box that I wouldn't part with. About a third of it was clothing that has such great memories of Katie as a baby. Another third was the same for Will's clothing, all the one that were most memorable. These will be turned into a blanket and teddy bear for each child (and mostly, to be snuggled by me). Then the last third was clothing I couldn't part with, items that I had bought so specifically for the next baby that I couldn't bare to get rid of. They are my last hope of having a baby fill them. I made sure it was only a small amount, but I definitely couldn't limit them.
The other four totes will have pictures taken of them and sold, and that money will go into our IVF hopeful fund.
Tomorrow, I'm hoping to start digging out the strollers, bouncers, swings, and many of the big items we have stashed away for our next. I'll be taking pictures of them and listing them for sale as well.
I feel like each baby item holds a tiny piece of my heart, and selling each one is having a piece of my heart torn. But it makes no sense to hold onto so many items for the next few years. It takes up so much space, and we have no idea if we'll even get to use them again. It's only logical to get rid of what I can bare to part with now and just buy new items if we have the need to. It's just an emotional struggle. It's hard to be logical when your heart is broken. It's hard to think clearly when so many little dreams are dead. It's hard to give away items that were meant for a baby that is no longer here, that only fills my arms by the tiny stuffed animal we bought while pregnant.
Yet in a way, getting rid of baby things protects my heart. To not constantly have that reminder in front of me is a bit of help. To know that there isn't such huge amounts of wasted space, of life on hold, for things that are not being used and may never be used, is a kindness for my overloaded mind that can't handle more sadness.
So today, while I'm miserable and sad and grumpy anyway because I'm on week 6 of being sick (and had to get chest xrays and bloodwork done to check up on the whys of that), I started what I've been so very dreading. I shedded a few tears, cuddled a few fuzzy outfits and blankets, and got a good portion of baby stuff sorted.
With every item I put in the 'get rid of' box, I pray that we'll have another baby. I note my favorite brands or which stores I bought certain pieces at, and pray that I'll be able to go to those stores and buy them again.
I pray that one day, God will see fit to heal my heart and give us another baby that we so desire.
This isn't parting forever, dear baby items, this is just parting for now, I pray.
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