Easing up

I've been in tears for days. It's like there are three parts of me: my physical body, my mental state and my emotional state, and I can only occupy one at a time. My emotional state was the most demanding lately. It makes my body cry when I don't even know why I'm crying. It makes me not have any appetite and almost be repulsed by the idea of having to go eat. It makes me drained, my heart ache, my smile lost. I had insomnia so badly all of January, and it's been back for the last week.

Today has been a bit better. I've switched gears. Last night, I cried and had no idea why until the tears stopped and my mind shut off. I felt completely aware of nothing but inside of my body. Today, I've felt down but no particular reason why. But now, I'm in my mental state. My tears are gone. I'm not sad. My brain is talking to me again, instead of just crying.

While in this state, I think I've finally started to accept my situation. I think through all the crying, even without understanding, and all the mourning of what's happened, acceptance has slowly creeped in.

I've been so stressed to find Bill a new job. Not just any job, but a job with insurance that covers infertility - a rare thing to find in PA. I've been filling out applications, sending out resumes and answering emails for two weeks. I've wished him good luck on interviews, set out his suit, and spent lots of time praying that he'd get the job. No job has happened yet.

Today the stress is gone. The drive is gone. I still want him to get a new job because right now he's working 7 days a week to make ends meet, but I'm willing to look at other jobs. Jobs that are good, even if they don't cover ivf.

I think I'm starting to pry ivf from my grip and let it go a bit. I still 100% pray that we can do it. I still, with all of my heart, want another baby. But I'm letting the rushing go. I'm letting the need to make sure it happens go. I'm letting go of trying to have everything right this second so that I don't need to grieve and feel the loss that we've suffered.

I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. For so long, I could only think of the downside when I thought of having two kids. They're growing up so fast. So many plans unfufilled. So many fantasies of Katie with a sister and Will with a brother not coming true. But while I've had those thoughts, I've cried. I've hidden myself away from Katie and Will to mourn in my sadness and thereby missing out on them. I've been so stressed that I haven't stopped to really enjoy them. I've just been getting through the day, rushing through things, and not really slowing down and seeing what's in front of me.

I'm planning vacations with my perfect vacation sized family. I'm thinking about how special my relationship with Katie will be, with just us being the girls in the house. I think of how special my little sweet boy is to me, my cuddler, my hugger, the one that always watches his mommy.  I'm thinking of the things we can afford for these two, all of the many extras and extra extras we can give them, and how much easier it would be to move.

If nothing else, it would be good to have a few years break between having kids. I'd love to have Will and Katie be a bit older now, I think, before having any others. A wait time before ivf might do good. That's a lot of extra time I get with my current kids and to make lots of fun memories and save up money for the next child/ren.

I can see good in having only two kids, even though my heart mourns to say so. I can see good in waiting to try ivf for another year or two or three. I can see good in taking back my life and starting to really live it again.

I'm going to try, really really try, to be happy again. To fill up my life with fun things, things that make me and my kids smile. I'm going to embrace my small little family like it's the only family we may ever have. I'll still pray that we get our chance to have more. I'll still pray that we get that job we need. I'll still pray that we'll get to have babies that fill our baby names.

But I'm going to calm down. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to still mourn my missing babies, but not try to feel better by rushing to get pregnant. I think a few days ago I shocked myself after realizing that even if I wasn't infertile, I wouldn't want to be getting pregnant right now. I don't think I could mentally handle it. It wouldn't be the time. So why push to ensure ivf so much right now? It's not the time.

This year is about getting our ducks in a row. It's about healing. It's about regrouping, and calming down and just trying to relax. We have a lot of work to do this year, but it'll be done better if it's done without trying to shove more things in it and more emotions driving it.

I pray that 2016 will ease up on my heart and help me to heal and to take it easy. I hope it shows more promise and lets us start seeing our steps fulfilled and our plans going into fruition. Then I hope 2017 will give us our heart's desires and let us start making our big dreams come true. But, one step at a time.