Set Back

We've had a setback, which is disappointing. We're refusing to let it hurt our hope, but it is a let down.

The great job that Bill was interviewing for didn't take him. It seemed promising, everything seemed to go really well, so we're not sure where it went wrong. It's the only job that had good pay, was a good company, and covered IVF and meds.

We're now applying for the same company, but in lower positions. It won't be nearly as easy going into one of these positions, it may be another pay cut. We've taken about 4 paycuts in the last few years, and we're pretty strapped. But in the position we're in now, we won't be able to save up enough for ivf for multiple years, and that's pretty much kissing goodbye to our chance at ivf. It we don't do it in the next two years, it might not happen at all. So a paycut is what we'll have to try to get by on if it's what's needed.

I had hoped that with all the sacrifice we've had lately with losing another baby and our fertility and having to get surgery, that maybe, MAYBE this one thing could come to us easy. Maybe we could say that it was all for a purpose, for getting on a better track and a better job. It would have been easier to write off the horrors of the last few months and the financial struggles of all last year had we gotten this job.

So it's disheartening. It's more prayers unanswered for reasons we can't understand. It's life giving us yet another letdown and pushing us around.

It feels like this year, we've had something after us, trying to hurt us in every aspect. It's a big struggle, week by week. It makes me cringe a bit to start each new week, wondering what's coming next. I've become a little paranoid, I think. There's just been so many issues lately. I'm hanging onto the dream of how it'll be once we pull through. Once we have a better job, better insurance, better health. I can handle struggling with infertility. It's taken the better part of two months, but I'm slowly coming to grips with it. But it takes all of my patience, concentration, and faith to do so. Having so much constantly build on top of it is causing cracks in the foundation. It's causing the grip to loosen. I keep patching them up with bits of faith, words of constant whispered prayers, and keeping my sights on what will hopefully be to come. But it's a struggle, it's hard.

I keep holding onto the idea that spring will help. Things will get better when I find life sprouting all around me, when I'm submerged in fresh warm air, when we won't be so cooped up. I eagerly await for my 6 weeks of constant sicknesses to be lifted from me, so I can have a clear head and ability to do things again. I'm praying that planning parties, mommy/daughter and son dates, getting my own car, and doing special things as a family this year will lessen our burdens and lighten our spirits.

Spring, please come soon.