October musings

It's hard to believe it's already the middle of October. The last few months have just slipped away. The last ten months have been a jumble of confusion, of constant doors slamming and being completely unsure of each step in our path.

2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.

And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.

So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.

I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.

I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.

I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling.  But I feel like I'm on the right track.  I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.

Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.