A change in plans

Such a sudden change has happened and it feels so odd. 

This year, so many things changed. It felt like all the pieces were falling into place. We were excited that it seemed like it was God's way of letting us doing IVF. We felt sure that next year, we'd be able to do our one round.

But since then, we've both felt the same way as each other. Like we're struggling to swim up a rushing river that's pushing us away from our goal. I've felt it for a while but had no idea why. I also didn't know that Bill felt the same way. Something changed while nothing else was. Something just felt not right, for both of us, at the same time. 

Our house no longer has baby stuff in it. Before this month is over, all of our toddler stuff will be gone too. We're switching out toddler beds for big kid beds. We're going through all of our toddler toys and getting rid of them. Our home has matured into a big kid house. 

It feels like life keeps pushing us forward even when we cling to the past. It feels like we're trying so hard to fight the current. And we're tired of resisting. 

We decided, tearfully for me, last night that we're going to stop resisting. We're going to let go and let life take us where it's trying to have us go. If one day down the line, something happens that will let us do IVF (a change in insurance, a large gift of money, inheritance, etc) then we will immediately revisit the issue. I'm still in my twenties, I have time to have babies if that's something that will present itself one day.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to remember how much fun my childhood was back when it was just my brother and me. We did so much stuff, my mom had so much time for us. It was fun, we were so close. While it was fun to have little siblings later on (10-16 years younger than me), the family dynamic changed drastically. We didn't have money to do fun things, go on vacation, do sports. We didn't have as much time with my mom. We were less close and busier. 

I hope with only two kids, we can give those two kids an amazing childhood full of amazing memories. We can give them opportunities and let them join lots of programs. We can go on vacations, have fun Christmases, move to where we want to move without needing a million bedrooms or squeezing. 

While we both so badly want another baby, there is a great life that can be had with how we are now. I'm trying to hold onto that. Enjoy the family we have. Live life to the fullest and have a great time with what we have. 

This doesn't mean all hope is lost. We're just going to stop trying to force it. If one day opportunity comes to us, our door will be open.

Results

So my ultrasound came back the other day with less than great news: I have a polyp on my gallbladder that will need surgery. I have to go into the surgeon soon to discuss it. The only problem is we still have only one car (and Bill works different hours ever day while he's technically on first shift, but in two weeks he'll be on second and then third for a few weeks and then back to first. How do you plan doctor appointments around that??) and I may not have insurance for the next month or so. I have no idea how 1) to get to the surgeon, 2) how to have surgery when Bill has zero days to take off, 3) how to balance kids and my own post-op care after. It's quite stressful and I'm trying to figure it out as we go. Currently, I'm waiting for the appointment to get booked and then I'll go from there.

Meanwhile, I'm fighting back. I started doing my cancer fighting, super healthy smoothies again. They taste TERRIBLE but they're great for many things, including purifying blood and cleaning out the liver - which is a good thing for my gallbladder. My hope is that it might even help the polyp and, at the very least, it'll keep it from getting any worse.

I also rented the book It Starts With The Egg, which is all about how to get on the perfect diet to improve egg quality and IVF success rates. Pretty much everyone I know doing IVF has read this book and it has very positive reviews from those I know who got pregnant in their IVF cycles after following it. Working on a good diet to improve my body will make me feel like all these months waiting are worth something. It'll help me not rush through or feel like I'm stuck. Every day will make me better and closer to where I need to be.

Small, baby steps. Hopefully this is the last step that is scary so I can look forward to a healthy, awesome body that is fully ready to tackle the IVF challenge.

Blood panels and Ultrasounds

I've been having a few issues lately (pain under my right rib cage for a few months in different places) so I finally decided to get it all checked out before switching insurances at the start of the new month.

My doctor ran a two full blood panels to check everything from thyroid to liver. With the craziness of my weight in the last decade (not being able to gain weight until I went on birth control) I have wanted to get my thyroid checked for a while. Moreso lately because I've heard it can have a big effect on IVF statistics. I was very happy and relieved to see that my thyroid tests came back in the normal range. Hooray! My liver did too.

I'm certainly interested to see if I have gallbladder issues, because I've recently read that IVF can make that worse with the surge of estrogen.

I'm hoping the issue is muscular, but I've never had muscle pulls last for so long.

I should know my ultrasound results by Monday. So far, all my tests came back clear so I'm praying my ultrasounds do too.

The only thing that came back negatively is my Vitamin D count. My doctor prescribed some heavy dosage of that and to recount in 12 weeks. This is something I'm totally okay with as Vitamin D was something my RE says I should be on in preparation for IVF.

I'm counting all this as baby steps towards IVF. Knowing more about the health of my body, which can impact the success rates of the process, is definitely helpful and makes me a bit more confident.

Hoping that whatever is currently going on with me is nothing that will get in the way of our current plans and is something that will be resolved very soon!

First Consultation

We saw a RE for our first consultation today. In the last few days, I've found a high contender to possibly go with that's not this place, so for right now we're making notes and figuring out what fits us best.

We found out that the price for us to do the IVF procedure is where we were thinking it would be.  Without diagnosis and meds (which our insurance will be covering) it'll be about $7,500. We technically have that now, since we cashed out a fund from Bill's old job but we don't want to only use that. We've decided that we'll try next spring, so probably exactly a year or so from now.

An exciting thing we found out today was at this practice, there's a devout Catholic as one of the IVF doctors. He doesn't do certain things (like egg freezing, PGS testing, etc) but he does all the rest. I'm very eager to meet with him and find out the specifics of how he stays in line with Catholicism through his job. Whether we go with him or not, we'd like to do this as much in line with our religious beliefs as possible and find out what we can and can not do in the eyes of the church.

We're trying to figure out if we want to do PGS testing, which is rating the embryos to see which one has the best shot of surviving and thriving. It's an extra almost 3k, but we only want to pay the $7,500 once. It might be worth paying a bit extra if it means 80% success rate instead of only 35%. But it also depends on how many eggs they retrieve. If only 2-3 make it through, it wouldn't be worth it to do PGS.

We're also debating if we want to fertilize only two eggs at a time so we won't have extra embryos left, or fertilize all at once and see what makes it through and freeze whatever we don't use, as it shouldn't be many.

We're going to see if we like the other place any better and see what their prices are and then decide where to go. This consultation gave me a lot of hope. We can handle the price of one cycle, my cysts shouldn't pose too much of an issue and all the labs will be covered.

I'm going to start back up on folic acid and extra vitamin d, as the RE said that should help get my body ready for now.

I'll be calling tomorrow the other option to see how soon I can get an appointment. Once we get our new insurance, I'll be calling the Catholic RE to have a discussion with him. Then we'll prep the best we can on our own with diet changes and vitamins as we save up money and wait for next spring.

Monday

I got an IVF consultation appointment for Monday with the RE that I wanted to talk to! I'm quite excited to be getting to make this step and find out all of the details that we'll need. I've been waiting just for this appointment for 15 months. Even if the answers reveal a set back, at least we'll be getting this part done and we'll have the knowledge we need to plan our next steps and secure a date in our plans.

I've spent two days researching. If I don't like this RE's way of doing things (from their stats, it seems like they mostly do only one egg and mostly fresh transfers) I have a very solid back up at the other hospital that seems much more popular and lenient as far as allowing the patient to have a hand in decisions.

I made a full page list of questions I plan to ask and am nervously excited to find out some real information on how ivf works in our area. Having a back up makes me feel better about my options as well. I'm already researching a back up REs and which one I'd go with next just so I can be fully informed of my options.

We got a babysitter for the kids so we can go and make sure we're not being insensitive (the office FINALLY just separated infertility patients from pregnancy patients two months ago) and so we can have our full attention directed at this.

Now all there is to do is wait until Monday and pray pray pray.

Questions for Our RE

We've been talking a lot about finances lately since so much is changing with the new job. We' sat down, added things up, and think that as long as everything goes smoothly with getting this job this month, we should be able to start trying IVF as early as January 2018. 

This means we're going to try to get a consult with the infertility doctor that also did my surgery last year. He knows my case and said I was a good candidate. We have a million questions we need answered so we can officially start a target date.  Such as:

That doctor told us that diagnostics were roughly half of the $15,000 cost of IVF per cycle. He said we obviously don't need any diagnostics since our problem is clear, which means he should be able to give us a quote of what is needed and hopefully, it'll be much, much less than 15k. Then we'll have to figure out how much the meds alone are so we can subtract that from the total, as our new insurance covers infertility meds. I'm hoping this means that each cycle of IVF will only be 5-8k instead of 15k. Big difference! Plus, anything over $5,500  (this includes travel expenses, hotel stays if needed, and all IVF related items) can be written off on taxes and gotten back.

Another question we have is how expensive is it to just do a FET transfer if we do end up with a fertilized egg or two left over. That would be no diagnostic, no two week meds, no surgery, just the implantation. 

I want to find out what my meds would be like as well. I only have one ovary to stimulate instead of two, so do I get a lower dosage? Seeing what the meds do to women, I'd love if that were the case. 

I need to know the exact plan he would have for my case as well. I know a lot of IVF women have a month of meds to stop a cycle, then do a hyper cycle, then remove the eggs and confuse the body and then, if they get pregnant, have to do progesterone pills until 15 weeks. I don't know if my case would be different or not. 

I also need to know if he'd be willing to do a two egg implant. We only can do up to two cycles, depending on the total cost. We'd like to take the chance of two eggs to raise our chances and we're fine if it would happen to result in twins. But some RE doctors only do one egg for under 34 year old women. 

It's exciting and comforting to finally be so close to IVF and to have a date in mind. I can't figure out when I'd want to do it more. My original rule was I wanted to not be pregnant in January at all, because I have such a bad track record with January. However, that means I can only get pregnant in February and March. But I don't want to do March because that would be another December baby, and one December birthday next to Christmas is enough. A February baby would be October/November, which means another winter baby, which is rough. I want a Spring baby, but that means pushing IVF off until half of 2018 is over and I don't know if I want to do that. So the month aspect is something I haven't figured out yet. 

It's also strangely comforting to know that where we capped it at. We agreed to try two cycles. If it doesn't happen in two cycles, then we let it go and move on. Two cycles mean we gave it a good shot and put all we could into it. I think if we didn't cap it now, it would be stressful and upsetting later. There's a peace about knowing when we'll do it and how long we'll try for. 

So that's where we're at now. We have goals, we have a consultation I'll be setting up this coming week, and we have our set limitations. Last year I was so depressed, not knowing any of these things and feeling like we'd never be able to try. Things are going so different last year.

News

A renewed hope of IVF is slowly growing.

Bill got a new job. It's not at an IVF-friendly place (though it was close, as the insurance is based in Illinois, a mandated state, and will cover IVF if the company chooses it. Ours did not.) However, it does cover infertility medications as well as diagnostics, which means we should be able to get our IVF consult for a price estimate and our few thousand dollar meds covered.  While it's not a big step, it is one closer to what we have been at (his job he's been at covered nothing but diagnostic)

Besides the insurance, Bill will now be earning nearly $10,000 more than what he made last year working 6 days a week. The $10,000 doesn't include the overtime he'll be getting, it's just straight salary, so he should earn more than that while only working 5 days a week.

He'll also be out of the dangerous chemicals that are in his previous job and could hurt fertility with long exposure. Now he'll be in a food friendly place and as a supervisor, so he won't be doing such strenuous work either.

So this new job means better IVF med insurance + more money to save for IVF + better work conditions.

We're going to see how much we can put away to see if we can afford IVF. We're also going to be making a consult, probably in the next month, to get a real estimate. Our estimated IVF procedure is different than most. Our doctor said a large sum of the regular cost (around 15,000) is diagnostic and meds. With meds covered and my diagnosis already well known, those won't factor into the money we have to pay.

We're also considering Bill taking a semester off of school once he finishes next semester (he'll be switching majors, so he'd only be skipping one semester while he figures out which of the work related/paid for schooling he'd like to venture into next) and one of us going to work at the new Starbucks that'll be only a few miles from us. They cover 80% of IVF, so it's probably our quickest option. They only do up to, I believe, 3 cycles, so one of us would only have to work 3 months there at part time.

All of this makes it seem like IVF may be possible for us in the next year or two. It's a really exciting prospect. This is the closest we've ever been to achieving our goal. There's finally substantial hope for us to try having another baby.

Month Late Resolution

It may be February, but I have a new resolution. One I couldn't start in January because it was too impossible. But now...

2017 will be a year full of joy and free of anxiety.

I'm always afraid of January. And the first week of February had a doctor appointment to determine if my ovary was trying to kill itself and possibly need exploratory surgery. I was so scared I was having panic attacks and sobbing. But January went over smoothly and the doctor appointment revealed that while I'm still getting cysts and they're rupturing, they're only half the size and the pain is manageable. The birth control is working.

I need a relief from the constant worry and debilitating fear that's taken over my life for the last year. I need calm and joy, so that's what I'm going to choose to seek out. I have the assurance of my ultrasound yesterday and my doctor that says my reproductive parts, the parts I worry most about, are totally fine. I'm going to take that and run with it.

I'm going to fill my head with thoughts of spring and sunshine and warmth. I'm going to eagerly watch as flowers bloom and warm walks begin and we can get out our bikes. I'm going to start working out and reclaim the body I miss. I'm going to write without care and edit ruthlessly until I can feel confident again and start sending out submissions. I'm going to find a way to find confidence to go on business meetings and work on expanding my business. I'm going to make dreams come true. 2016 started my dreams, 2017 is going to push them to start blossoming.

This will be my year. I'm going to make it my year. 2018 will be a dream come true after I'm done with 2017.

Oh, January

January is still trying to curse me, unfortunately.

Today we got FMLA for Bill for when I have my problems and end up in the hospital. I had to go see my doctor to get the papers filled and I told him about how my ovary still is tender even after all this time since the last rupture, plus the fact that I had 4 ruptures last year.

On the papers, he listed that he may want to do an exploratory surgery.

This is hell for me. The thought of another surgery and of what they could find sends my carefully controlled anxiety through the roof in ways I can't handle. My husband told me about it and I instantly shut down - I became exhausted, my body felt heavy, and my heart raced. This was how I felt constantly all of 2016. Then my husband and I decided that we were going to try very hard to be positive and hopeful and 2017 has been full of energy and smiles. Then today happened and 2016 feelings reared their head again.

I'm praying that at the next appointment, my ultrasound looks good enough to not warrant going under again, another hospital stay, more belly scars. Hopefully, there will be enough improvement that we'll be able to take a more wait and see approach.

Januarys

I'll give it credit: 2017 gave me a hopeful, sweet start that I'm grateful for. I got an angel order every day for 8 days. Little things that kept going wrong became right. Just tiny, little signs littered my every day.

Week two is harder, but I can't blame 2017 for it. These are old wounds, inflicted in 2016 that are breaking open. It's hard to not think about every step of last year. Being in the hospital, fighting for my babies, losing them slowly, needing surgery. All the sobbing, the loss, the heartbreak.

I had to go back to the doctor's office yesterday to talk about paperwork. They had us wait in the waiting room for about a half hour. I couldn't take the memories it brought up. I sat there and cried. I had an anxiety attack. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my tears kept coming, and my breathing was erratic.

Knowing I have to go back there next month to look at what my ovary is doing isn't much of a help either.

I've chosen to be hopeful about this year. There's so much good that it has to offer.

My business grows each month. It's flourishing. I should have the money this year to make it an official business, get a vendor's license and start taking my angels local and into hospitals.

I'll be submitting books to agents and hopefully securing one or two so I can start my publishing career finally.

Bill is in school to get a new job, which he should have in September. There's a possibility that the one job we're hoping to get him (Godiva) will not only give us the money we need but also offers infertility treatments like IVF up to $30,000 lifetime - more than anywhere else in the area. It also offers adoption aid. We'll also be trying places like Uline again, which covers IVF and meds. As a last ditch effort, one of us will get a job at Starbucks, though they only cover 80%.

But that right there is quite a bit of hope. Multiple options of hope. Everything takes time and faith and that's what I'm riding on now. I'm trying to not get worked up, trying not to stress, trying to not have anxiety attacks so frequently. This year is about calming down and working so that dreams can start coming true.

I worked all of 2016 to set up 2017 as a good year to start seeing huge leaps in progress. 2018 should be even better. We are on the upswing now. I have to make sure not to let little disappointments drag me down and make me feel cursed again. That time is over. This is our good time and we're going to make the most of it.

Still, I can't wait to be out of January.

A review and look ahead.

I never attempted to hide that 2016 was a very difficult year for me. It was hell. It was hard. So many bad things happened. I struggled with depression and anxiety. I was in the hospital multiple times for reoccurring difficulties. In short, 2016, from it's very first day, SUCKED.

I thought 2016 would be a fun year. I had a blast in 2015, and at the end we started TTC for our next baby. I figured we'd have our #3 to bring home before the end of the year, and I'd spend '16 happily pregnant and enjoying life.

Then New Year's came and shattered everything. I was miscarrying. I was also having an ectopic. I was becoming permanently infertile. I needed surgery. I wouldn't be having my baby this year or any other year. IVF was an option that sounded nice but was so far out of our ability that it's a tease.

But before I can start looking at 2017, I have to look at the other side of things. How much has changed in only one year's time!

At this time last year, I was looking at having 2-4 more kids. I was focused on how we'd decorate the nursery next and which middle name we'd give to our next child and the one after that. I was trying to navigate through homeschooling while taking pregnancy into account. I wanted to move down south, but didn't know how while still having kids and so much baby stuff to tote down.

Now it's almost 2017. Babies are a fantasy, not an expectation. I have three giant sales and now barely own any baby stuff. There's a few swings I have to put together and list for sale yet and one box of "just in case" baby things tucked away. We changed our bedroom and the nursery now that a crib wasn't going to reside in either place anymore. We changed our downstairs: the kids are big enough to play by themselves upstairs, so downstairs looks more like a real house instead of kid central.

But beyond that, so much happened that I didn't expect. I'm a business owner of 9 months. I'm about to file it as a legally recognized business, not just another Etsy store. I'm going to become an officially licensed vendor and attempt selling to real places locally like hospital gift shops. I made money this year that really helped us out and helped over a hundred people who are in a similar situation as me.

I became a writer again. Having babies forced me to take a 5 year hiatus. I didn't enjoy the time off, and getting to write again has been such a release. I'm tackling my publishing dreams that I've had for twenty years. I'm looking at publishers and agents and writing like crazy. I'm friends with people at my library and love visiting.

I also became part of my community. The library, the church, volunteer work. I've lived in this town since I was 11 and never felt part of it. This year, we became active in everything from holiday events to parades to volunteering.

It was a horrible year, but a year for change and not all of those changes were bad. Some were actually good and a long time coming. While 2017 still holds fears for me, I'm going into it optimistic again. I'm focusing on me and my current family, instead of always looking towards future maybes. I'm taking what I have and I'm running with it, taking it as far as I can. I'm making dreams come true.

2017 I'll be finding agents. Bill will have gone through enough school to get a new, good job. I'll be writing and attempting publishing and being a business woman going to business meetings at hospitals and anywhere else I can find. 2015 me won't even recognize 2017 me but maybe that won't be such a bad thing. It's different and it's not better, but it's okay.

December

Ended up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. Again. For the same problem - large rupturing cysts that cause horrible pain.

This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.

I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.

Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.

I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.

Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.

Hope for 2017

It seems like this year has been a series of constant anxiety attacks and living in fear. Just this last week, I was terrified because I had breathing problems, a tight chest, heartburn for days, exhaustion, and a two day period. I went to the doctor and was told it was most likely a viral infection that can show symptoms like mine. I went home convinced that it was something more, but luckily everything but the exhaustion (which could just be sick and anxiety caused) are fading.

It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.

It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.

Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.

I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.

I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.

Hope

I have a tiny hope.

Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.

Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.

Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.

Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.

There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.

It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.

A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.

We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.

October musings

It's hard to believe it's already the middle of October. The last few months have just slipped away. The last ten months have been a jumble of confusion, of constant doors slamming and being completely unsure of each step in our path.

2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.

And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.

So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.

I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.

I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.

I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling.  But I feel like I'm on the right track.  I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.

Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.

Into October

September was a crazy month. I was working on angel babies like crazy. It was a good month, I made over $100 more than my low goal amount was, but I had SO many angels to make. But my large order (of almost two dozen by itself!) went out yesterday, and at least 11 more were sent out already. Now I have to work on 8 more.

The business is making a difference in many ways. I love the letters, reviews and messages I get from parents telling me how perfect and comforting the babies are.

It's also helping financially. 50% of what I make goes into the charity and into the business. I don't get to see most of what comes in. But the other 50% is what is keeping us afloat.

I'm now the one that pays the bills for Katie's monthly ballet tuition, all of her dance clothing, her two recital fees, her costumes. I pay for all of their Christmas gifts and their birthday gifts and party. I pay for anything I personally need for business or writing. My small pleasures of Hulu and Netflix are paid by me. This is on top of saving up for my taxes that I have to pay, the large amounts of clay, shipping materials, and many other things that go into the business.

At the end of the day, I don't get to save any money. I'm still coasting by, but I'm not in any debt, which is great since it's only been a few months and my start up fee was a few hundred dollars. I repaid everything I needed to start up and then started paying bills. Without running this business, Katie wouldn't be able to continue ballet, we'd have no Christmas or birthday gifts and parties, we'd have no tv shows, including what we watch for school  programs.

I'm so glad it's proving to be such a blessing, both for us and for those who are on the receiving end. I hope to continue growing the business, reaching more families, and for me to be able to take on more bills to lighten the load and make more dreams possible.

Due Date Pt 2

Today feels really weird. I'm going through the typical motions: decorate memorial spot, make cupcakes, light candles, etc. but I'm not responding like I expected I would. With Elizabeth, I cried for three days around her due date. It was so rough. I expected today would be at least that bad, possibly moreso with the fact that infertility and hopelessness seems built in to it.

I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.

Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.

This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.

All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.

Jesse and Jamie Due date

Today is the day I have dreaded since January 8th. Today was the due date with our twins, an inch or two was all the difference between two babies and none. From December 31st, we prayed that we'd get at least one healthy baby, but the ectopic baby had my hormone levels so insane and was messing up my progesterone, and I think it caused the baby in the right location to be lost as well.It's hard to face today, knowing that not only are our arms empty of two little newborns, but also missing all the future babies that we so welcomed and wanted. 

This loss was so unique, to mourn such a sudden love and to lose it so quickly, and then to lose not only their future with us, but all the other children we've always dreamed of. It threw me into a few months of depression and anguish, and I still struggle with the grief and weight of it at times. Today is one of those days that makes the battle more difficult. Knowing that there is no rainbow baby on the horizon to help us heal like last time, it's even harder. This time we're facing the due date alone, still empty and heartbroken. 

2016 has been so cruel to us, from the very first day. Not only have we lost our babies, but we've lost so much else. So many doors have closed, so many others remain locked. It's been like wandering a very long maze and every time we finally think we know the way out, it's another dead end. I pray that this year will finally cease it's endless disappointments and hardships and will finally start giving us blessings, no matter how small. I also pray that it becomes easier to come to terms with twin miscarriage and infertility, and the struggle may lessen in time. But for right now, I miss all three of our angels. Happy birthday, Jesse and Jamie, I hope your big sister Elizabeth can give you a hug for us.

Wake me up when September ends

It's September and things are still not looking up.

Bill is having a hard time figuring out what his next step is. We want him to go back to school to get him out of the factory work and start making good money, instead of money that's starting to not even cover our minimalist lifestyle. He was going to be an engineer, but the program he was banking on was filled and they aren't sure if it'll even be offered next year, so he can't wait for that. It also means permanently staying in the factory field (with that program, at least). Outside of that program, he has four years to put in of schooling, which is more than what we are looking for.

He decided to be an RN, and was excited to get back into the medical field. He belongs in the medical field, and would be in it now if it wasn't for us needing to start a family so early. However, we checked out five schools, none which work. They all want you to hold no other job for two years. The single one that says they'll allow it and also has second shift clinicals then said that he'd have to be at the clinical place by 3 PM and no later. That means he can't work first shift, since he finishes 45 minutes away at 3 exactly, and he can't work second shift, which starts at 1 PM. Clinicals are 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for 2 - 3 years. So it's looking like that won't work.

Now we're re-evaluating. We want a job that will pay $60,000 annually at least, has only 2-3 years education, and will work around a full time job while in school. I didn't think it would be this hard!

No more being an RN also means we lose that way to do IVF in two years, so it's an additional set back.

I'm praying that something comes up that's great for us, that tells us what we should be focusing on.

I'm also praying that my health stays well. I can't tell if I'm having gallbladder issues or ovary issues or perhaps just nasty muscle/ligment pains, but it's happened twice for days or weeks now. Last time it started mid-June and went until the end of July. This time it started a few days ago and is still here.

Statistically, you'd think that something has to start going right. With 9/10 things going badly this year, something has to start correcting the balance. This bad period needs to be the launching point into a wonderful period, right? Right?

Four days out from my twin due date. Definitely not looking forward to that. =/

Charity/Business updates

Despite the depressing last post, there is one small ray of light.

My business/charity is doing well. Very well, at the moment. June and July, I met my goal requirements, which was very exciting. August blew them out of the water and ended with five times my goal amount. Five times! I cried for two of the large orders that came in and have met multiple amazing women.

Of course, 9/10th of the money goes into the charity and building up the business. I don't really get to see much of it. But, last month did allow me to pay for Katie's three months of ballet lessons, which is good because the business is the only way I can afford to send her. I'm hoping this month meets goal again, since Christmas is right around the corner and that too needs to come from the sliver of business money I get to keep.

But it's hopeful. It's catching on. The word is spreading. I'm receiving letters about how much my angels have been helping in the coping process and grief. A little at a time, I'm making a difference in other people's lives, even when I seem incapable of fixing up our situation. That's something - that's something big.

August has given me hope that this might really take off and get big. Once Christmas is over, the money I get from the business is going to go towards getting an official business license and talking to our tax guy about exactly how this will work. Once both of those are done, I'm going to seek out hospital gift shops and start getting them to carry items for both healthy babies and the ones that don't make it. I want to make sure that parents who leave the hospitals empty handed, just like I have, will at least have a token of beautiful comfort, something to hold onto. People not in this situation may think that a little baby sculpture doesn't do anything, but I've experienced the power of filling my empty hands with something I can hold and how it really does help, even if only a little.  A little is something to hold onto in that situation. It's something that gets you through that moment, that drive home, that hour, that time of tears.

September was to be my month to finally get my Storm Series finished. The trilogy would be complete. But instead, on September 1st, I have 26 angels to make who those in grief. That doesn't include any of the angels that will be ordered this month. So for now, I'll write while clay chills. I'll write while clay bakes. I'll write while clay cools down again. It'll cripple the speed of the process, but right now, my charity comes first. Writing makes me feel alive, but the charity makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected to a big network of supportive people. It makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself. And the business portion of it is letting us scrape by financially. I love writing, and I will continue to pursue publishing the first two books of the trilogy, but I may have to wait a month or two longer to finish the trilogy.