It may be February, but I have a new resolution. One I couldn't start in January because it was too impossible. But now...
2017 will be a year full of joy and free of anxiety.
I'm always afraid of January. And the first week of February had a doctor appointment to determine if my ovary was trying to kill itself and possibly need exploratory surgery. I was so scared I was having panic attacks and sobbing. But January went over smoothly and the doctor appointment revealed that while I'm still getting cysts and they're rupturing, they're only half the size and the pain is manageable. The birth control is working.
I need a relief from the constant worry and debilitating fear that's taken over my life for the last year. I need calm and joy, so that's what I'm going to choose to seek out. I have the assurance of my ultrasound yesterday and my doctor that says my reproductive parts, the parts I worry most about, are totally fine. I'm going to take that and run with it.
I'm going to fill my head with thoughts of spring and sunshine and warmth. I'm going to eagerly watch as flowers bloom and warm walks begin and we can get out our bikes. I'm going to start working out and reclaim the body I miss. I'm going to write without care and edit ruthlessly until I can feel confident again and start sending out submissions. I'm going to find a way to find confidence to go on business meetings and work on expanding my business. I'm going to make dreams come true. 2016 started my dreams, 2017 is going to push them to start blossoming.
This will be my year. I'm going to make it my year. 2018 will be a dream come true after I'm done with 2017.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Oh, January
January is still trying to curse me, unfortunately.
Today we got FMLA for Bill for when I have my problems and end up in the hospital. I had to go see my doctor to get the papers filled and I told him about how my ovary still is tender even after all this time since the last rupture, plus the fact that I had 4 ruptures last year.
On the papers, he listed that he may want to do an exploratory surgery.
This is hell for me. The thought of another surgery and of what they could find sends my carefully controlled anxiety through the roof in ways I can't handle. My husband told me about it and I instantly shut down - I became exhausted, my body felt heavy, and my heart raced. This was how I felt constantly all of 2016. Then my husband and I decided that we were going to try very hard to be positive and hopeful and 2017 has been full of energy and smiles. Then today happened and 2016 feelings reared their head again.
I'm praying that at the next appointment, my ultrasound looks good enough to not warrant going under again, another hospital stay, more belly scars. Hopefully, there will be enough improvement that we'll be able to take a more wait and see approach.
Today we got FMLA for Bill for when I have my problems and end up in the hospital. I had to go see my doctor to get the papers filled and I told him about how my ovary still is tender even after all this time since the last rupture, plus the fact that I had 4 ruptures last year.
On the papers, he listed that he may want to do an exploratory surgery.
This is hell for me. The thought of another surgery and of what they could find sends my carefully controlled anxiety through the roof in ways I can't handle. My husband told me about it and I instantly shut down - I became exhausted, my body felt heavy, and my heart raced. This was how I felt constantly all of 2016. Then my husband and I decided that we were going to try very hard to be positive and hopeful and 2017 has been full of energy and smiles. Then today happened and 2016 feelings reared their head again.
I'm praying that at the next appointment, my ultrasound looks good enough to not warrant going under again, another hospital stay, more belly scars. Hopefully, there will be enough improvement that we'll be able to take a more wait and see approach.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Januarys
I'll give it credit: 2017 gave me a hopeful, sweet start that I'm grateful for. I got an angel order every day for 8 days. Little things that kept going wrong became right. Just tiny, little signs littered my every day.
Week two is harder, but I can't blame 2017 for it. These are old wounds, inflicted in 2016 that are breaking open. It's hard to not think about every step of last year. Being in the hospital, fighting for my babies, losing them slowly, needing surgery. All the sobbing, the loss, the heartbreak.
I had to go back to the doctor's office yesterday to talk about paperwork. They had us wait in the waiting room for about a half hour. I couldn't take the memories it brought up. I sat there and cried. I had an anxiety attack. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my tears kept coming, and my breathing was erratic.
Knowing I have to go back there next month to look at what my ovary is doing isn't much of a help either.
I've chosen to be hopeful about this year. There's so much good that it has to offer.
My business grows each month. It's flourishing. I should have the money this year to make it an official business, get a vendor's license and start taking my angels local and into hospitals.
I'll be submitting books to agents and hopefully securing one or two so I can start my publishing career finally.
Bill is in school to get a new job, which he should have in September. There's a possibility that the one job we're hoping to get him (Godiva) will not only give us the money we need but also offers infertility treatments like IVF up to $30,000 lifetime - more than anywhere else in the area. It also offers adoption aid. We'll also be trying places like Uline again, which covers IVF and meds. As a last ditch effort, one of us will get a job at Starbucks, though they only cover 80%.
But that right there is quite a bit of hope. Multiple options of hope. Everything takes time and faith and that's what I'm riding on now. I'm trying to not get worked up, trying not to stress, trying to not have anxiety attacks so frequently. This year is about calming down and working so that dreams can start coming true.
I worked all of 2016 to set up 2017 as a good year to start seeing huge leaps in progress. 2018 should be even better. We are on the upswing now. I have to make sure not to let little disappointments drag me down and make me feel cursed again. That time is over. This is our good time and we're going to make the most of it.
Still, I can't wait to be out of January.
Week two is harder, but I can't blame 2017 for it. These are old wounds, inflicted in 2016 that are breaking open. It's hard to not think about every step of last year. Being in the hospital, fighting for my babies, losing them slowly, needing surgery. All the sobbing, the loss, the heartbreak.
I had to go back to the doctor's office yesterday to talk about paperwork. They had us wait in the waiting room for about a half hour. I couldn't take the memories it brought up. I sat there and cried. I had an anxiety attack. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my tears kept coming, and my breathing was erratic.
Knowing I have to go back there next month to look at what my ovary is doing isn't much of a help either.
I've chosen to be hopeful about this year. There's so much good that it has to offer.
My business grows each month. It's flourishing. I should have the money this year to make it an official business, get a vendor's license and start taking my angels local and into hospitals.
I'll be submitting books to agents and hopefully securing one or two so I can start my publishing career finally.
Bill is in school to get a new job, which he should have in September. There's a possibility that the one job we're hoping to get him (Godiva) will not only give us the money we need but also offers infertility treatments like IVF up to $30,000 lifetime - more than anywhere else in the area. It also offers adoption aid. We'll also be trying places like Uline again, which covers IVF and meds. As a last ditch effort, one of us will get a job at Starbucks, though they only cover 80%.
But that right there is quite a bit of hope. Multiple options of hope. Everything takes time and faith and that's what I'm riding on now. I'm trying to not get worked up, trying not to stress, trying to not have anxiety attacks so frequently. This year is about calming down and working so that dreams can start coming true.
I worked all of 2016 to set up 2017 as a good year to start seeing huge leaps in progress. 2018 should be even better. We are on the upswing now. I have to make sure not to let little disappointments drag me down and make me feel cursed again. That time is over. This is our good time and we're going to make the most of it.
Still, I can't wait to be out of January.
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
A review and look ahead.
I never attempted to hide that 2016 was a very difficult year for me. It was hell. It was hard. So many bad things happened. I struggled with depression and anxiety. I was in the hospital multiple times for reoccurring difficulties. In short, 2016, from it's very first day, SUCKED.
I thought 2016 would be a fun year. I had a blast in 2015, and at the end we started TTC for our next baby. I figured we'd have our #3 to bring home before the end of the year, and I'd spend '16 happily pregnant and enjoying life.
Then New Year's came and shattered everything. I was miscarrying. I was also having an ectopic. I was becoming permanently infertile. I needed surgery. I wouldn't be having my baby this year or any other year. IVF was an option that sounded nice but was so far out of our ability that it's a tease.
But before I can start looking at 2017, I have to look at the other side of things. How much has changed in only one year's time!
At this time last year, I was looking at having 2-4 more kids. I was focused on how we'd decorate the nursery next and which middle name we'd give to our next child and the one after that. I was trying to navigate through homeschooling while taking pregnancy into account. I wanted to move down south, but didn't know how while still having kids and so much baby stuff to tote down.
Now it's almost 2017. Babies are a fantasy, not an expectation. I have three giant sales and now barely own any baby stuff. There's a few swings I have to put together and list for sale yet and one box of "just in case" baby things tucked away. We changed our bedroom and the nursery now that a crib wasn't going to reside in either place anymore. We changed our downstairs: the kids are big enough to play by themselves upstairs, so downstairs looks more like a real house instead of kid central.
But beyond that, so much happened that I didn't expect. I'm a business owner of 9 months. I'm about to file it as a legally recognized business, not just another Etsy store. I'm going to become an officially licensed vendor and attempt selling to real places locally like hospital gift shops. I made money this year that really helped us out and helped over a hundred people who are in a similar situation as me.
I became a writer again. Having babies forced me to take a 5 year hiatus. I didn't enjoy the time off, and getting to write again has been such a release. I'm tackling my publishing dreams that I've had for twenty years. I'm looking at publishers and agents and writing like crazy. I'm friends with people at my library and love visiting.
I also became part of my community. The library, the church, volunteer work. I've lived in this town since I was 11 and never felt part of it. This year, we became active in everything from holiday events to parades to volunteering.
It was a horrible year, but a year for change and not all of those changes were bad. Some were actually good and a long time coming. While 2017 still holds fears for me, I'm going into it optimistic again. I'm focusing on me and my current family, instead of always looking towards future maybes. I'm taking what I have and I'm running with it, taking it as far as I can. I'm making dreams come true.
2017 I'll be finding agents. Bill will have gone through enough school to get a new, good job. I'll be writing and attempting publishing and being a business woman going to business meetings at hospitals and anywhere else I can find. 2015 me won't even recognize 2017 me but maybe that won't be such a bad thing. It's different and it's not better, but it's okay.
I thought 2016 would be a fun year. I had a blast in 2015, and at the end we started TTC for our next baby. I figured we'd have our #3 to bring home before the end of the year, and I'd spend '16 happily pregnant and enjoying life.
Then New Year's came and shattered everything. I was miscarrying. I was also having an ectopic. I was becoming permanently infertile. I needed surgery. I wouldn't be having my baby this year or any other year. IVF was an option that sounded nice but was so far out of our ability that it's a tease.
But before I can start looking at 2017, I have to look at the other side of things. How much has changed in only one year's time!
At this time last year, I was looking at having 2-4 more kids. I was focused on how we'd decorate the nursery next and which middle name we'd give to our next child and the one after that. I was trying to navigate through homeschooling while taking pregnancy into account. I wanted to move down south, but didn't know how while still having kids and so much baby stuff to tote down.
Now it's almost 2017. Babies are a fantasy, not an expectation. I have three giant sales and now barely own any baby stuff. There's a few swings I have to put together and list for sale yet and one box of "just in case" baby things tucked away. We changed our bedroom and the nursery now that a crib wasn't going to reside in either place anymore. We changed our downstairs: the kids are big enough to play by themselves upstairs, so downstairs looks more like a real house instead of kid central.
But beyond that, so much happened that I didn't expect. I'm a business owner of 9 months. I'm about to file it as a legally recognized business, not just another Etsy store. I'm going to become an officially licensed vendor and attempt selling to real places locally like hospital gift shops. I made money this year that really helped us out and helped over a hundred people who are in a similar situation as me.
I became a writer again. Having babies forced me to take a 5 year hiatus. I didn't enjoy the time off, and getting to write again has been such a release. I'm tackling my publishing dreams that I've had for twenty years. I'm looking at publishers and agents and writing like crazy. I'm friends with people at my library and love visiting.
I also became part of my community. The library, the church, volunteer work. I've lived in this town since I was 11 and never felt part of it. This year, we became active in everything from holiday events to parades to volunteering.
It was a horrible year, but a year for change and not all of those changes were bad. Some were actually good and a long time coming. While 2017 still holds fears for me, I'm going into it optimistic again. I'm focusing on me and my current family, instead of always looking towards future maybes. I'm taking what I have and I'm running with it, taking it as far as I can. I'm making dreams come true.
2017 I'll be finding agents. Bill will have gone through enough school to get a new, good job. I'll be writing and attempting publishing and being a business woman going to business meetings at hospitals and anywhere else I can find. 2015 me won't even recognize 2017 me but maybe that won't be such a bad thing. It's different and it's not better, but it's okay.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
December
Ended up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. Again. For the same problem - large rupturing cysts that cause horrible pain.
This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.
I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.
Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.
I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.
Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.
This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.
I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.
Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.
I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.
Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Hope for 2017
It seems like this year has been a series of constant anxiety attacks and living in fear. Just this last week, I was terrified because I had breathing problems, a tight chest, heartburn for days, exhaustion, and a two day period. I went to the doctor and was told it was most likely a viral infection that can show symptoms like mine. I went home convinced that it was something more, but luckily everything but the exhaustion (which could just be sick and anxiety caused) are fading.
It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.
It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.
Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.
I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.
I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.
It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.
It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.
Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.
I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.
I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Hope
I have a tiny hope.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
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