Today feels really weird. I'm going through the typical motions: decorate memorial spot, make cupcakes, light candles, etc. but I'm not responding like I expected I would. With Elizabeth, I cried for three days around her due date. It was so rough. I expected today would be at least that bad, possibly moreso with the fact that infertility and hopelessness seems built in to it.
I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.
Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.
This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.
All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Jesse and Jamie Due date
Today is the day I have dreaded since January 8th. Today was the due date with our twins, an inch or two was all the difference between two babies and none. From December 31st, we prayed that we'd get at least one healthy baby, but the ectopic baby had my hormone levels so insane and was messing up my progesterone, and I think it caused the baby in the right location to be lost as well.It's hard to face today, knowing that not only are our arms empty of two little newborns, but also missing all the future babies that we so welcomed and wanted.
This loss was so unique, to mourn such a sudden love and to lose it so quickly, and then to lose not only their future with us, but all the other children we've always dreamed of. It threw me into a few months of depression and anguish, and I still struggle with the grief and weight of it at times. Today is one of those days that makes the battle more difficult. Knowing that there is no rainbow baby on the horizon to help us heal like last time, it's even harder. This time we're facing the due date alone, still empty and heartbroken.
2016 has been so cruel to us, from the very first day. Not only have we lost our babies, but we've lost so much else. So many doors have closed, so many others remain locked. It's been like wandering a very long maze and every time we finally think we know the way out, it's another dead end. I pray that this year will finally cease it's endless disappointments and hardships and will finally start giving us blessings, no matter how small. I also pray that it becomes easier to come to terms with twin miscarriage and infertility, and the struggle may lessen in time. But for right now, I miss all three of our angels. Happy birthday, Jesse and Jamie, I hope your big sister Elizabeth can give you a hug for us.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Wake me up when September ends
It's September and things are still not looking up.
Bill is having a hard time figuring out what his next step is. We want him to go back to school to get him out of the factory work and start making good money, instead of money that's starting to not even cover our minimalist lifestyle. He was going to be an engineer, but the program he was banking on was filled and they aren't sure if it'll even be offered next year, so he can't wait for that. It also means permanently staying in the factory field (with that program, at least). Outside of that program, he has four years to put in of schooling, which is more than what we are looking for.
He decided to be an RN, and was excited to get back into the medical field. He belongs in the medical field, and would be in it now if it wasn't for us needing to start a family so early. However, we checked out five schools, none which work. They all want you to hold no other job for two years. The single one that says they'll allow it and also has second shift clinicals then said that he'd have to be at the clinical place by 3 PM and no later. That means he can't work first shift, since he finishes 45 minutes away at 3 exactly, and he can't work second shift, which starts at 1 PM. Clinicals are 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for 2 - 3 years. So it's looking like that won't work.
Now we're re-evaluating. We want a job that will pay $60,000 annually at least, has only 2-3 years education, and will work around a full time job while in school. I didn't think it would be this hard!
No more being an RN also means we lose that way to do IVF in two years, so it's an additional set back.
I'm praying that something comes up that's great for us, that tells us what we should be focusing on.
I'm also praying that my health stays well. I can't tell if I'm having gallbladder issues or ovary issues or perhaps just nasty muscle/ligment pains, but it's happened twice for days or weeks now. Last time it started mid-June and went until the end of July. This time it started a few days ago and is still here.
Statistically, you'd think that something has to start going right. With 9/10 things going badly this year, something has to start correcting the balance. This bad period needs to be the launching point into a wonderful period, right? Right?
Four days out from my twin due date. Definitely not looking forward to that. =/
Bill is having a hard time figuring out what his next step is. We want him to go back to school to get him out of the factory work and start making good money, instead of money that's starting to not even cover our minimalist lifestyle. He was going to be an engineer, but the program he was banking on was filled and they aren't sure if it'll even be offered next year, so he can't wait for that. It also means permanently staying in the factory field (with that program, at least). Outside of that program, he has four years to put in of schooling, which is more than what we are looking for.
He decided to be an RN, and was excited to get back into the medical field. He belongs in the medical field, and would be in it now if it wasn't for us needing to start a family so early. However, we checked out five schools, none which work. They all want you to hold no other job for two years. The single one that says they'll allow it and also has second shift clinicals then said that he'd have to be at the clinical place by 3 PM and no later. That means he can't work first shift, since he finishes 45 minutes away at 3 exactly, and he can't work second shift, which starts at 1 PM. Clinicals are 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for 2 - 3 years. So it's looking like that won't work.
Now we're re-evaluating. We want a job that will pay $60,000 annually at least, has only 2-3 years education, and will work around a full time job while in school. I didn't think it would be this hard!
No more being an RN also means we lose that way to do IVF in two years, so it's an additional set back.
I'm praying that something comes up that's great for us, that tells us what we should be focusing on.
I'm also praying that my health stays well. I can't tell if I'm having gallbladder issues or ovary issues or perhaps just nasty muscle/ligment pains, but it's happened twice for days or weeks now. Last time it started mid-June and went until the end of July. This time it started a few days ago and is still here.
Statistically, you'd think that something has to start going right. With 9/10 things going badly this year, something has to start correcting the balance. This bad period needs to be the launching point into a wonderful period, right? Right?
Four days out from my twin due date. Definitely not looking forward to that. =/
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Charity/Business updates
Despite the depressing last post, there is one small ray of light.
My business/charity is doing well. Very well, at the moment. June and July, I met my goal requirements, which was very exciting. August blew them out of the water and ended with five times my goal amount. Five times! I cried for two of the large orders that came in and have met multiple amazing women.
Of course, 9/10th of the money goes into the charity and building up the business. I don't really get to see much of it. But, last month did allow me to pay for Katie's three months of ballet lessons, which is good because the business is the only way I can afford to send her. I'm hoping this month meets goal again, since Christmas is right around the corner and that too needs to come from the sliver of business money I get to keep.
But it's hopeful. It's catching on. The word is spreading. I'm receiving letters about how much my angels have been helping in the coping process and grief. A little at a time, I'm making a difference in other people's lives, even when I seem incapable of fixing up our situation. That's something - that's something big.
August has given me hope that this might really take off and get big. Once Christmas is over, the money I get from the business is going to go towards getting an official business license and talking to our tax guy about exactly how this will work. Once both of those are done, I'm going to seek out hospital gift shops and start getting them to carry items for both healthy babies and the ones that don't make it. I want to make sure that parents who leave the hospitals empty handed, just like I have, will at least have a token of beautiful comfort, something to hold onto. People not in this situation may think that a little baby sculpture doesn't do anything, but I've experienced the power of filling my empty hands with something I can hold and how it really does help, even if only a little. A little is something to hold onto in that situation. It's something that gets you through that moment, that drive home, that hour, that time of tears.
September was to be my month to finally get my Storm Series finished. The trilogy would be complete. But instead, on September 1st, I have 26 angels to make who those in grief. That doesn't include any of the angels that will be ordered this month. So for now, I'll write while clay chills. I'll write while clay bakes. I'll write while clay cools down again. It'll cripple the speed of the process, but right now, my charity comes first. Writing makes me feel alive, but the charity makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected to a big network of supportive people. It makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself. And the business portion of it is letting us scrape by financially. I love writing, and I will continue to pursue publishing the first two books of the trilogy, but I may have to wait a month or two longer to finish the trilogy.
My business/charity is doing well. Very well, at the moment. June and July, I met my goal requirements, which was very exciting. August blew them out of the water and ended with five times my goal amount. Five times! I cried for two of the large orders that came in and have met multiple amazing women.
Of course, 9/10th of the money goes into the charity and building up the business. I don't really get to see much of it. But, last month did allow me to pay for Katie's three months of ballet lessons, which is good because the business is the only way I can afford to send her. I'm hoping this month meets goal again, since Christmas is right around the corner and that too needs to come from the sliver of business money I get to keep.
But it's hopeful. It's catching on. The word is spreading. I'm receiving letters about how much my angels have been helping in the coping process and grief. A little at a time, I'm making a difference in other people's lives, even when I seem incapable of fixing up our situation. That's something - that's something big.
August has given me hope that this might really take off and get big. Once Christmas is over, the money I get from the business is going to go towards getting an official business license and talking to our tax guy about exactly how this will work. Once both of those are done, I'm going to seek out hospital gift shops and start getting them to carry items for both healthy babies and the ones that don't make it. I want to make sure that parents who leave the hospitals empty handed, just like I have, will at least have a token of beautiful comfort, something to hold onto. People not in this situation may think that a little baby sculpture doesn't do anything, but I've experienced the power of filling my empty hands with something I can hold and how it really does help, even if only a little. A little is something to hold onto in that situation. It's something that gets you through that moment, that drive home, that hour, that time of tears.
September was to be my month to finally get my Storm Series finished. The trilogy would be complete. But instead, on September 1st, I have 26 angels to make who those in grief. That doesn't include any of the angels that will be ordered this month. So for now, I'll write while clay chills. I'll write while clay bakes. I'll write while clay cools down again. It'll cripple the speed of the process, but right now, my charity comes first. Writing makes me feel alive, but the charity makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected to a big network of supportive people. It makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself. And the business portion of it is letting us scrape by financially. I love writing, and I will continue to pursue publishing the first two books of the trilogy, but I may have to wait a month or two longer to finish the trilogy.
And so, September begins....
It's now September. I've dreaded September ever since 2016 started.
September was my due date month.
I still remember lying in the hospital ER, holding Bill's hand, calculating what the due date would be if our babies survived. The doctor later confirmed the date: September 17th. We hoped beyond hope. We clung to the high risk doctor's words: that there was a 50/50 chance that the baby in the uterus would go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I came into the hospital with two babies, I was desperate to leave with at least one still thriving.
I ended up losing the baby that was safe in the uterus before the baby that was later located in my tube. My hormone levels were through the roof, my progesterone levels were messed up, I think my body got really confused on what was happening. The ectopic made everything go out of wack, and I think that's what caused the baby in the uterus to not make it.
Despite the many prayers, both from us and from those we reached out to, neither baby made it through that hospital stay. And now it's September, and it's impossible to not think about how things would have been, had that one baby not attached just an inch or so before it should have. If it had successfully reached the uterus, I'd be having twins any day now. I'd be huge and uncomfortable but so excited.
Instead, this has been the worst year of my life. No, not even just for the reason of losing babies. Not even for the infertility struggle, though both have them have been major players. We have been hit from every angle. It feels like January knocked us down and the rest of 2016 put a heavy boot on top of us and refuses to let us get up. It just keeps crushing us into the cement.
Countless times in the last 9 months, we'd sigh with relief, grateful that finally, finally, we figured out the answer. We were going to make things better. Then we'd get a phone call, find out more information, or get a refusal. Every time it would be crushing, realizing that we were no closer to the answer than before, and we had exhausted one more hope. The last time this happened was just a few days ago. As the months go on, our situation gets worse. I'm not sure what curse has befallen us, because this is almost a beyond belief amount of bad luck. I'm in continuous prayer that this dark time will lift very, very soon. Just to be sure what direction we should head in, just a little encouragement, would do so much.
September was my due date month.
I still remember lying in the hospital ER, holding Bill's hand, calculating what the due date would be if our babies survived. The doctor later confirmed the date: September 17th. We hoped beyond hope. We clung to the high risk doctor's words: that there was a 50/50 chance that the baby in the uterus would go on to have a healthy pregnancy. I came into the hospital with two babies, I was desperate to leave with at least one still thriving.
I ended up losing the baby that was safe in the uterus before the baby that was later located in my tube. My hormone levels were through the roof, my progesterone levels were messed up, I think my body got really confused on what was happening. The ectopic made everything go out of wack, and I think that's what caused the baby in the uterus to not make it.
Despite the many prayers, both from us and from those we reached out to, neither baby made it through that hospital stay. And now it's September, and it's impossible to not think about how things would have been, had that one baby not attached just an inch or so before it should have. If it had successfully reached the uterus, I'd be having twins any day now. I'd be huge and uncomfortable but so excited.
Instead, this has been the worst year of my life. No, not even just for the reason of losing babies. Not even for the infertility struggle, though both have them have been major players. We have been hit from every angle. It feels like January knocked us down and the rest of 2016 put a heavy boot on top of us and refuses to let us get up. It just keeps crushing us into the cement.
Countless times in the last 9 months, we'd sigh with relief, grateful that finally, finally, we figured out the answer. We were going to make things better. Then we'd get a phone call, find out more information, or get a refusal. Every time it would be crushing, realizing that we were no closer to the answer than before, and we had exhausted one more hope. The last time this happened was just a few days ago. As the months go on, our situation gets worse. I'm not sure what curse has befallen us, because this is almost a beyond belief amount of bad luck. I'm in continuous prayer that this dark time will lift very, very soon. Just to be sure what direction we should head in, just a little encouragement, would do so much.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Rough few days...
I've been having a rough time for the last few days.
My facebook is filled with friends and family who are finding out they're pregnant or sharing their pregnancy, and it really brings up a lot of hurt that I've been burying.
I was hoping that if I plunge myself into a crazy amount of work, I'd feel better. I opened the charity to take my grief and anger and make it productive and beautiful. And it is...but it's also grief and anger.
Our money situation is very tight. Very, very tight. And the more we try to improve our situation, the more jobs Bill gets denied for and the more every door seems to stay closed and locked with no doors opening, the more the dream of IVF seems like it will never become a reality. It hurts, trying to come to terms with never having another baby. I thought if I just ignored the baby thing, it might not be so important anymore. If I came up with new things that meant a lot to me and were important, the baby one would go away. But it doesn't work like that, does it?
Will is growing up at an amazing speed. I try to baby him, but especially lately, I can see how old he's getting. While I smile as he shows so much intelligence and ability, I cry inside that I'm losing my baby to childhood again, and this time there won't be another baby behind him.
I wasn't supposed to have two kids. I'm not made for a small family. I yearn for another. Just one more would do it, just so I can have that experience one more time and so I can say this pregnancy, birth, infancy, etc is the final one. I went through Will's babyhood so sure that there'd be another coming. I want that final feeling, and it feels like I'll never get it. I hate feeling like I'm not finished, that I'm missing my last one.
But finances are telling me to accept not getting that last baby that feels so vital and is missing from me. I hate feeling so incomplete.
I grieve as I watch others happily get pregnant, and wonder why I can't do that. It's so easy for others, so many people take their fertility for granted. So many don't even want it. I just want it one more time, and it hurts so badly to not have it. No amount of busy-ness can keep me from wanting it, or make me move on.
I don't know how to accept that there won't be another, that IVF probably won't happen. I don't know how to continue through life not feeling like there's a piece of me missing. I don't know how to not look back and mourn over never getting the chance to try. This is an open wound that will not go away. Time will not heal it, in fact so far time has only made it worse. Each passing month makes it hurt worse.
I continue to pray for the situation to change, but it seems like it's only getting worse instead of better. I pray that we get a miracle in 2016. We've had so much trial, pain and grief this year, it's time for something good to start happening. Please, may we catch a break and start having more happiness than sadness.
My facebook is filled with friends and family who are finding out they're pregnant or sharing their pregnancy, and it really brings up a lot of hurt that I've been burying.
I was hoping that if I plunge myself into a crazy amount of work, I'd feel better. I opened the charity to take my grief and anger and make it productive and beautiful. And it is...but it's also grief and anger.
Our money situation is very tight. Very, very tight. And the more we try to improve our situation, the more jobs Bill gets denied for and the more every door seems to stay closed and locked with no doors opening, the more the dream of IVF seems like it will never become a reality. It hurts, trying to come to terms with never having another baby. I thought if I just ignored the baby thing, it might not be so important anymore. If I came up with new things that meant a lot to me and were important, the baby one would go away. But it doesn't work like that, does it?
Will is growing up at an amazing speed. I try to baby him, but especially lately, I can see how old he's getting. While I smile as he shows so much intelligence and ability, I cry inside that I'm losing my baby to childhood again, and this time there won't be another baby behind him.
I wasn't supposed to have two kids. I'm not made for a small family. I yearn for another. Just one more would do it, just so I can have that experience one more time and so I can say this pregnancy, birth, infancy, etc is the final one. I went through Will's babyhood so sure that there'd be another coming. I want that final feeling, and it feels like I'll never get it. I hate feeling like I'm not finished, that I'm missing my last one.
But finances are telling me to accept not getting that last baby that feels so vital and is missing from me. I hate feeling so incomplete.
I grieve as I watch others happily get pregnant, and wonder why I can't do that. It's so easy for others, so many people take their fertility for granted. So many don't even want it. I just want it one more time, and it hurts so badly to not have it. No amount of busy-ness can keep me from wanting it, or make me move on.
I don't know how to accept that there won't be another, that IVF probably won't happen. I don't know how to continue through life not feeling like there's a piece of me missing. I don't know how to not look back and mourn over never getting the chance to try. This is an open wound that will not go away. Time will not heal it, in fact so far time has only made it worse. Each passing month makes it hurt worse.
I continue to pray for the situation to change, but it seems like it's only getting worse instead of better. I pray that we get a miracle in 2016. We've had so much trial, pain and grief this year, it's time for something good to start happening. Please, may we catch a break and start having more happiness than sadness.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
More news on graduating, publishing and business
Very exciting news - I've been contacting Penn State about getting my degree. The bad news is that I do need one more class to graduate - and that class will be around $2,000 - something we definitely don't have at the moment. But I'm going to look through financial aid and try to find the money - one semester, one class - and I can finally graduate! I'll be graduating in Letters, Arts, and Sciences - which is good for small business. The class I need is in Business Writing - which I can definitely use for what I'm doing in my business right now. It all falls in line with what I'm already doing. Since the semester begins next month, I'm not sure if I'll be able to get everything together in time, so at worst, I should be able to do it in spring and graduate in May.
I'm just days away from re-launching Homespun Dreams. I'm hoping that will help me meet my monthly quotas. Summer is the hardest time for businesses - whether crafting or real stores - so it's been a rough month. But my hope is that having a business that's not about miscarriage and baby loss and can be used happily and in many situations will help get me off the ground.
I'm currently writing up everything I need to figure out prior to pitching sales to hospitals. Bill and I are sitting down figuring out exactly what needs to be done, quantities, discounts on wholesale, etc. I need about $65 as a start up fee, between business cards, clay, and a good display case for in person sales. I'm hoping to be ready to start pitching by either end of August or beginning of September.
My newest novel is 3k short of my word count goal, but it's been through a first and second draft. I'm going to go over it once more this week while I wait for my beta to be free, then going to have her go over it with a fine tooth comb and pick out everything that could possibly be wrong with it. I know a lot of writers hate this part, but I look forward to it. It means it's getting reader feedback so it can be polished and shined and all the kinks I know are there but can't see can be exposed. It's a big step towards getting it ready for publishing. I'm hoping the manuscript will be ready to be submitted by the end of August. Within two weeks from that, I should be hearing about my first manuscript.
Meanwhile, I'm slowly building up my author page. Honestly, I'm not really putting any effort into it. I post a lot of fun stuff for both readers and writers, and a lot of writers have flocked to it. Without promoting it to any friends or family, it's at about 70 followers. Not an impressive number, but with zero effort so far, it's not bad. I'll have to start promoting it before I submit my next novel.
I'm very excited about everything going on. I feel like I'm laying down the foundation this year for an amazing 2017. College graduate, owner of two small businesses, trying to get into actual, real stores, and becoming a published hopeful. This year has sucked, and it's still full of struggle, but I feel like it's all to crawl and climb before reaching that turn of the bend, and then I'll be able to see a smooth, easy path that's full of happy successes. I'm determined to make 2017 my year - and I'm putting forth the work now to make it so.
I'm just days away from re-launching Homespun Dreams. I'm hoping that will help me meet my monthly quotas. Summer is the hardest time for businesses - whether crafting or real stores - so it's been a rough month. But my hope is that having a business that's not about miscarriage and baby loss and can be used happily and in many situations will help get me off the ground.
I'm currently writing up everything I need to figure out prior to pitching sales to hospitals. Bill and I are sitting down figuring out exactly what needs to be done, quantities, discounts on wholesale, etc. I need about $65 as a start up fee, between business cards, clay, and a good display case for in person sales. I'm hoping to be ready to start pitching by either end of August or beginning of September.
My newest novel is 3k short of my word count goal, but it's been through a first and second draft. I'm going to go over it once more this week while I wait for my beta to be free, then going to have her go over it with a fine tooth comb and pick out everything that could possibly be wrong with it. I know a lot of writers hate this part, but I look forward to it. It means it's getting reader feedback so it can be polished and shined and all the kinks I know are there but can't see can be exposed. It's a big step towards getting it ready for publishing. I'm hoping the manuscript will be ready to be submitted by the end of August. Within two weeks from that, I should be hearing about my first manuscript.
Meanwhile, I'm slowly building up my author page. Honestly, I'm not really putting any effort into it. I post a lot of fun stuff for both readers and writers, and a lot of writers have flocked to it. Without promoting it to any friends or family, it's at about 70 followers. Not an impressive number, but with zero effort so far, it's not bad. I'll have to start promoting it before I submit my next novel.
I'm very excited about everything going on. I feel like I'm laying down the foundation this year for an amazing 2017. College graduate, owner of two small businesses, trying to get into actual, real stores, and becoming a published hopeful. This year has sucked, and it's still full of struggle, but I feel like it's all to crawl and climb before reaching that turn of the bend, and then I'll be able to see a smooth, easy path that's full of happy successes. I'm determined to make 2017 my year - and I'm putting forth the work now to make it so.
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