I'm not sure what's harder - waiting for something tangible, something that feels so within your reach, or waiting for something that's so wanted but so far off.
I thought waiting for something far off would be hardest. But as it turns out, I'm feeling a bit overly tortured at what felt like was so close.
Bill had an interview with a company that offers IVF coverage plus med coverage. It only makes families wait 30 days before taking them all on. It has a good bonus and weekends off. It sounds perfect. His interview seemed to go really well, he's been feeling really confident.
They told him that the position requires a second interview and if he gets one, he'll be hearing about it early next week.
That's now. Right now. Monday or Tuesday is early next week. This company is prompt. They called about his application the morning after I put it in. It's Monday afternoon and so far today has been on giant prayer fest.
So far the phone has rang a few times. Interestingly enough, one was for an interview at another job. He's had quite a few offers, but some are too far away and some have too little pay. Out of the very few jobs I put in for, he's gotten 5 offers.
But I really, really want this one. And he does too, it seems to have given him a breath of fresh air.
We need this second interview. It's the logical next step to our plans. This company has the best coverage in the entire area...probably only second best in the entire state (first best is working for the actual Blue Cross Independence company, apparently)
Every passing minute feels a bit harder. If my anxiousness and amount of want could make the phone ring, I'm sure it would be ringing off the hook. In fact, part of me seems to think that I could make it happen by sheer will. I'm getting very little done today, I'm so focused on this. There's only two more hours left to the office hours, then it's all up to tomorrow. It's hard, waiting for this. It's hard waiting for a new baby. I've noticed that the want for a new baby has been even stronger lately than it has been this whole time. it's all torture.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Timeline
Our timeline seems to be ever changing. Last year it seemed so clear, this year there are more bumps in the path of where we want to go.
Some of our biggest wants have been to move down south, have Bill get a better and stable job, graduate college, and have another baby. Luckily, even with all of those bumps, these things are still true. They just need to be reorganized.
Right now, our timeline is this:
Get Bill a new job before Summer
We have been sending in applications and uploading his resume for the last week to different places. At least half of the places have called the very next morning. The one place we were hoping for, which is literally two blocks away (goodbye, gas bills!) wanted to give him an entry level position, which was about $10 too little an hour, so he had to decline but asked to be considered for a job that opens up that will pay more. But the place I really wanted him to get into has immediately offered him an interview for this week, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they offer him at least our minimum need. This job covers more IVF and med coverage than anywhere else in our area. Praying it goes well! The sooner he gets a new job, the better. Though I will mourn the loss of his first shift position now, as it has totally changed our lives for the better.
Get an Emergency Fund and Savings Fund
That's the big one for this year. Hopefully the new job, wherever it is, pays a little better than now so that working overtime would actually mean a chance to save money instead of just a chance to pay mortgage. I'll also be working towards this goal with a more rigorous food budget, small holidays, and cutting out eating out and any extras. I'll also be starting up a craft business, looking into at home jobs, becoming a travel agent from home, and writing for payment.
Graduate College (unsure if possible yet)
We're going in for a consult to the advisers next month to see where our credits lie. I'm two classes and a semester as a teacher's aid away from my Education Bachelors, but I might be even closer to an associate's if I can't make the Education semester work. Graduating in SOMETHING is the goal. Bill also has 2.5 years of high maths, sciences and gen eds under his belt and should qualify for an associate's in science. Making our college time count and getting to put a degree on our resumes before moving would be preferred.
Have a Baby or Babies
My goal is to start trying IVF by next spring or early summer 2017. I already know what RE and OB I want (since they're partners and work together and both have performed surgery on me, it's an easy choice) so I want to do it before we move. We have to get through the first trimester while here as well, as the RE usually monitors closely for that time. Since I'm a good candidate for IVF, I'm hoping it won't take more than the 3 standard cycles before conceiving, and then having a healthy pregnancy.
Move Down South
Which one is the bigger obstacle, having a baby or moving down south? I'm honestly not sure. Having a baby in this situation seems like a luck of the draw at this point, and there's not much we can do to help our chances. Moving, on the other hand, is risky. It's killing our credit, not having our stable home anymore, moving to somewhere totally new and away from everyone we know, and getting a new job and just starting over. It's the one I'm scared of the most, but I'm SO eager to do it. We're hoping to do it by the end of 2017, but that will greatly depend on how the baby stuff goes, and baby stuff is most important. We want to get out of this area asap, as it seems so draining and impossible to ever get ahead. But moving is such a big leap of faith. Wherever we end up, we'll be stuck at for at least 7 years due to bad credit. So there's a lot to plan for and no way to just jump in.
Some of our biggest wants have been to move down south, have Bill get a better and stable job, graduate college, and have another baby. Luckily, even with all of those bumps, these things are still true. They just need to be reorganized.
Right now, our timeline is this:
Get Bill a new job before Summer
We have been sending in applications and uploading his resume for the last week to different places. At least half of the places have called the very next morning. The one place we were hoping for, which is literally two blocks away (goodbye, gas bills!) wanted to give him an entry level position, which was about $10 too little an hour, so he had to decline but asked to be considered for a job that opens up that will pay more. But the place I really wanted him to get into has immediately offered him an interview for this week, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they offer him at least our minimum need. This job covers more IVF and med coverage than anywhere else in our area. Praying it goes well! The sooner he gets a new job, the better. Though I will mourn the loss of his first shift position now, as it has totally changed our lives for the better.
Get an Emergency Fund and Savings Fund
That's the big one for this year. Hopefully the new job, wherever it is, pays a little better than now so that working overtime would actually mean a chance to save money instead of just a chance to pay mortgage. I'll also be working towards this goal with a more rigorous food budget, small holidays, and cutting out eating out and any extras. I'll also be starting up a craft business, looking into at home jobs, becoming a travel agent from home, and writing for payment.
Graduate College (unsure if possible yet)
We're going in for a consult to the advisers next month to see where our credits lie. I'm two classes and a semester as a teacher's aid away from my Education Bachelors, but I might be even closer to an associate's if I can't make the Education semester work. Graduating in SOMETHING is the goal. Bill also has 2.5 years of high maths, sciences and gen eds under his belt and should qualify for an associate's in science. Making our college time count and getting to put a degree on our resumes before moving would be preferred.
Have a Baby or Babies
My goal is to start trying IVF by next spring or early summer 2017. I already know what RE and OB I want (since they're partners and work together and both have performed surgery on me, it's an easy choice) so I want to do it before we move. We have to get through the first trimester while here as well, as the RE usually monitors closely for that time. Since I'm a good candidate for IVF, I'm hoping it won't take more than the 3 standard cycles before conceiving, and then having a healthy pregnancy.
Move Down South
Which one is the bigger obstacle, having a baby or moving down south? I'm honestly not sure. Having a baby in this situation seems like a luck of the draw at this point, and there's not much we can do to help our chances. Moving, on the other hand, is risky. It's killing our credit, not having our stable home anymore, moving to somewhere totally new and away from everyone we know, and getting a new job and just starting over. It's the one I'm scared of the most, but I'm SO eager to do it. We're hoping to do it by the end of 2017, but that will greatly depend on how the baby stuff goes, and baby stuff is most important. We want to get out of this area asap, as it seems so draining and impossible to ever get ahead. But moving is such a big leap of faith. Wherever we end up, we'll be stuck at for at least 7 years due to bad credit. So there's a lot to plan for and no way to just jump in.
Monday, February 22, 2016
PPD surveys
Ever since I lost the baby and the insurance had to cover the costs of all the hospital bills, they've been sending me reports to check if I have post-partum depression. They don't have a separate form for just those who lost their babies, so it's the standard "now that your baby is born, it's normal to feel baby blues. These are the signs if you have more than just the baby blues, and if you're now depressed."
Yes, I have more than just baby blues, because I have less than a baby in my arms.
They sent another form today, and said by this time, the baby blues should have passed and you should be bonding with your baby.
Unless you count us going to Elizabeth's grave the other day to add a cross with his name on it and a tiny baby wrapped lovingly in angel wings to it, then no, bonding isn't going so well. It's hard to bond when the baby was taken before you ever got to really know them or feel them. When all you had was one week of putting your life in danger to fight for them. I love my baby, I grieve my baby, I deeply miss my baby. But I don't get to bond with my baby from so far away.
These forms are supposed to be helpful, I know. But they're just a slap in the face. No, I won't fill out your form to see if I am depressed. I already KNOW I'm depressed. I know that our of your 10 symptoms, I have 9 of them. I understand perfectly well that I'm not just going through baby blues. I know what I'm going through. It's even deeper than depression. It's grief. One day, I'll only be depressed. It'll be an improvement. But I won't fill out the form, I won't be contacted and pushed to seek meds to help me. I know from going through this with Elizabeth, that if I don't feel it, mourn and grieve and cry and be depressed and lost in the dark for a while, it won't get better. I won't ever be happy again. This is the way my path must go now. I must walk through the darkness, full of tears and heartbreak and hurt, to get to the other side and move on. I wish grief was just grief, but it's depression with heartbreak. It's relentless. But the good thing is, even though I know that I'm depressed, I also know I'm coping. I'm finding ways to come out of it. Tiny, little ways. Slowly, very slowly. But surely, I am improving. I still cry and hurt and hate my situation with a passion. I still miss my baby, I still count how far along I would be with Jesse right now, I still remember the days at the hospital while tears silently fall down my face before I go to sleep at night. But today is better than yesterday. This week is a big improvement on a few weeks ago. This month is almost easier than last month. The improvement is slow, but it's sure, and that's what matters.
But reading those words in those letters is such a stab to the heart. It's a setback. Not even tearing through paper and envelopes help to ease the frustration and anger that arises. Yet it also helps to self-evaluate myself and see where I was since the last time I read those words a month ago. Last time, it wasn't just anger and hurt, it was tears for days. It was a big realization, another crack in my heart, to realize that I wasn't just sad, but depressed too.
Yes, I have more than just baby blues, because I have less than a baby in my arms.
They sent another form today, and said by this time, the baby blues should have passed and you should be bonding with your baby.
Unless you count us going to Elizabeth's grave the other day to add a cross with his name on it and a tiny baby wrapped lovingly in angel wings to it, then no, bonding isn't going so well. It's hard to bond when the baby was taken before you ever got to really know them or feel them. When all you had was one week of putting your life in danger to fight for them. I love my baby, I grieve my baby, I deeply miss my baby. But I don't get to bond with my baby from so far away.
These forms are supposed to be helpful, I know. But they're just a slap in the face. No, I won't fill out your form to see if I am depressed. I already KNOW I'm depressed. I know that our of your 10 symptoms, I have 9 of them. I understand perfectly well that I'm not just going through baby blues. I know what I'm going through. It's even deeper than depression. It's grief. One day, I'll only be depressed. It'll be an improvement. But I won't fill out the form, I won't be contacted and pushed to seek meds to help me. I know from going through this with Elizabeth, that if I don't feel it, mourn and grieve and cry and be depressed and lost in the dark for a while, it won't get better. I won't ever be happy again. This is the way my path must go now. I must walk through the darkness, full of tears and heartbreak and hurt, to get to the other side and move on. I wish grief was just grief, but it's depression with heartbreak. It's relentless. But the good thing is, even though I know that I'm depressed, I also know I'm coping. I'm finding ways to come out of it. Tiny, little ways. Slowly, very slowly. But surely, I am improving. I still cry and hurt and hate my situation with a passion. I still miss my baby, I still count how far along I would be with Jesse right now, I still remember the days at the hospital while tears silently fall down my face before I go to sleep at night. But today is better than yesterday. This week is a big improvement on a few weeks ago. This month is almost easier than last month. The improvement is slow, but it's sure, and that's what matters.
But reading those words in those letters is such a stab to the heart. It's a setback. Not even tearing through paper and envelopes help to ease the frustration and anger that arises. Yet it also helps to self-evaluate myself and see where I was since the last time I read those words a month ago. Last time, it wasn't just anger and hurt, it was tears for days. It was a big realization, another crack in my heart, to realize that I wasn't just sad, but depressed too.
Ways to Raise Money
I've been trying to come up with ways to help save money for IVF. Bill is working 7 days a week to uphold our home, and it doesn't leave much left for savings. We're working on finding him a better job, but for now, nothing is getting saved (and after last month emptying our emergency fund and bank account, we're really just scrapping together to pay the mortgage bill for the first time in two months.)
So while I'm at home, I want to make money. Two kids, homeschooling and a household to clean, I've found, is actually not hard if you stay on a schedule. I've been balancing them quite well and still having at least two hours of time to just do whatever I want. During those two hours, I want to make money to stuff away into savings.
Two years ago, I had a crochet business and mod duties on a baby site. I have since quit the baby site since I can't handle it now that I might not get more babies. I also stopped the crochet business because it took a lot of time. I always thought I'd open it back up when I was pregnant, because I have a lot of time where I can't get up anyway. But now, no pregnancy. However, during the 9 months that I really put effort into it, I made about $1,500. In the year before, I made about $500 only half trying. Opening the crochet business again, while time costly, would be profitable enough to consider.
MANY women who want to do IVF hold bake sales for medical bills. A few years ago, I was selling pies, cheesecakes and cobblers for about $20 a piece through an order form I made that Bill took to work. Many of the men raved about the baked goods, and I got really busy around holidays. I'm considering doing a bake sale using this method - through an order form handed out. I make some amazing pies, cobblers, cupcakes and buttercream icing, banana bread, rolls and breads. This way, I'm not spending a lot of money on supplies and then having no one buy certain items that go to waste. It would just be profit.
I'm beginning sculpting. I'm very eager for this, as there's just SO much that can be done. I'm planning on doing custom made child and wedding cake toppers, custom family ornaments, little sculptures of angel babies and children, fantasy and geek items like dragons, fairies and intricate dice holders, and custom works. Sculpting is not nearly as overcrowded in the selling market as crochet is, and I was pretty profitable from crochet, so I feel like I could do a lot with this once I get good at it. Even small sculptures, because of how intricate and personalized they can be, can get quite a bit of money if you're good. I plan to be very good.
If I can convince my sister to let me use her embroidery machine for a few months, I'd love to bring back out my fabric stash and my own sewing designs to make some beautiful children's outfits and baby things.
I also found a bunch of professional writing magazines that I want to start submitting to again. Many pay $20-30 per poem published, and up to $50 for short stories. I feel like I have so much left to say, so much that has been cooped inside while my writing doors have been forced shut by babies and children needing constant attention. But we're clearing out the extra bedroom in our attic (which currently houses our baby stuff) to make a writing and craft room for me. Bill is also a writer and planning on entering for these magazines too. It'll be doubly good, as magazines build resumes for writers who want to publish novels one day.
Mentioning the room that houses all of our baby stuff leads to my last idea of money - we'll be getting rid of most of what's in our attic, including our baby things. Of course there will be some things we keep - certain baby outfits that are my favorite, my expensive stroller that holds many memories and folds up small, our crib that turns into a twin size bed. But the rest needs to be cleared out. That includes about 3 swings, 3 bouncers, a high chair, lots of bedding, lots of baby clothing, boutique outfits, about 5 strollers, etc. There's also many things outside of baby items that need to be sold. Things we've accumulated over the years that is no longer needed or can't go with us when we move out of state. All of the money that comes from this will immediately be put away.
A main goal for this year as well is to make sure we don't get behind in bills. I'm praying that next year's tax refund can get us a head start in what we need for IVF. Holidays will be minimal this year
I keep thinking about how long it is until next Spring, our goal to start IVF. But when I look at this list, which will take some time to really get it all going, I realize it's not that long at all. First up is selling stuff from the attic, which is happening right now and will continue into the spring as I set up at flea markets. Sculpting starts this week, and will immediately be placed into that two hour span of time I have free right now, so hopefully I can start being good enough to sell by April. Crocheting can start any time, I'm already good at that, I just need to open again and begin marketing for custom orders. I'd like to start baking orders in the summer, where if I need to go set up somewhere, I can in the warm weather. Writing can happen in between everything else, poetry usually takes on a life on it's own in my head while I"m busy with other things,and I only need to find time to write it down and polish it up. Sewing will probably wait until later on, as it'll be the most upfront costly and even though it offers the highest prices in return, I don't have the investment funds.
But with all of that in time allotments, one year doesn't seem like that long suddenly. I know my heart thinks it's a terribly long time to wait just for the chance to maybe get pregnant, but my brain is more sensible and says we can get through this year and have some fun with it if we try. I'm going with my brain on this one, because my heart is too worn out anyway!
So while I'm at home, I want to make money. Two kids, homeschooling and a household to clean, I've found, is actually not hard if you stay on a schedule. I've been balancing them quite well and still having at least two hours of time to just do whatever I want. During those two hours, I want to make money to stuff away into savings.
Two years ago, I had a crochet business and mod duties on a baby site. I have since quit the baby site since I can't handle it now that I might not get more babies. I also stopped the crochet business because it took a lot of time. I always thought I'd open it back up when I was pregnant, because I have a lot of time where I can't get up anyway. But now, no pregnancy. However, during the 9 months that I really put effort into it, I made about $1,500. In the year before, I made about $500 only half trying. Opening the crochet business again, while time costly, would be profitable enough to consider.
MANY women who want to do IVF hold bake sales for medical bills. A few years ago, I was selling pies, cheesecakes and cobblers for about $20 a piece through an order form I made that Bill took to work. Many of the men raved about the baked goods, and I got really busy around holidays. I'm considering doing a bake sale using this method - through an order form handed out. I make some amazing pies, cobblers, cupcakes and buttercream icing, banana bread, rolls and breads. This way, I'm not spending a lot of money on supplies and then having no one buy certain items that go to waste. It would just be profit.
I'm beginning sculpting. I'm very eager for this, as there's just SO much that can be done. I'm planning on doing custom made child and wedding cake toppers, custom family ornaments, little sculptures of angel babies and children, fantasy and geek items like dragons, fairies and intricate dice holders, and custom works. Sculpting is not nearly as overcrowded in the selling market as crochet is, and I was pretty profitable from crochet, so I feel like I could do a lot with this once I get good at it. Even small sculptures, because of how intricate and personalized they can be, can get quite a bit of money if you're good. I plan to be very good.
If I can convince my sister to let me use her embroidery machine for a few months, I'd love to bring back out my fabric stash and my own sewing designs to make some beautiful children's outfits and baby things.
I also found a bunch of professional writing magazines that I want to start submitting to again. Many pay $20-30 per poem published, and up to $50 for short stories. I feel like I have so much left to say, so much that has been cooped inside while my writing doors have been forced shut by babies and children needing constant attention. But we're clearing out the extra bedroom in our attic (which currently houses our baby stuff) to make a writing and craft room for me. Bill is also a writer and planning on entering for these magazines too. It'll be doubly good, as magazines build resumes for writers who want to publish novels one day.
Mentioning the room that houses all of our baby stuff leads to my last idea of money - we'll be getting rid of most of what's in our attic, including our baby things. Of course there will be some things we keep - certain baby outfits that are my favorite, my expensive stroller that holds many memories and folds up small, our crib that turns into a twin size bed. But the rest needs to be cleared out. That includes about 3 swings, 3 bouncers, a high chair, lots of bedding, lots of baby clothing, boutique outfits, about 5 strollers, etc. There's also many things outside of baby items that need to be sold. Things we've accumulated over the years that is no longer needed or can't go with us when we move out of state. All of the money that comes from this will immediately be put away.
A main goal for this year as well is to make sure we don't get behind in bills. I'm praying that next year's tax refund can get us a head start in what we need for IVF. Holidays will be minimal this year
I keep thinking about how long it is until next Spring, our goal to start IVF. But when I look at this list, which will take some time to really get it all going, I realize it's not that long at all. First up is selling stuff from the attic, which is happening right now and will continue into the spring as I set up at flea markets. Sculpting starts this week, and will immediately be placed into that two hour span of time I have free right now, so hopefully I can start being good enough to sell by April. Crocheting can start any time, I'm already good at that, I just need to open again and begin marketing for custom orders. I'd like to start baking orders in the summer, where if I need to go set up somewhere, I can in the warm weather. Writing can happen in between everything else, poetry usually takes on a life on it's own in my head while I"m busy with other things,and I only need to find time to write it down and polish it up. Sewing will probably wait until later on, as it'll be the most upfront costly and even though it offers the highest prices in return, I don't have the investment funds.
But with all of that in time allotments, one year doesn't seem like that long suddenly. I know my heart thinks it's a terribly long time to wait just for the chance to maybe get pregnant, but my brain is more sensible and says we can get through this year and have some fun with it if we try. I'm going with my brain on this one, because my heart is too worn out anyway!
Waiting is the Hardest Part
I have always had a rough struggle with patience. I've never been good to just wait. The only thing that helps me is planning every detail, every moment, every last thing. It helps to pass the time. I do it for vacations, I do it for big life changes, and I do it while I wait to get pregnant.
The problem here is everything is already done. There is nothing more to plan. All of the questions have already been answered.
There's no question on what fertility treatment I would get and how to plan which one to do first, second, etc. The only one that would work is IVF, so we go straight to IVF.
We don't have to figure out which RE to go to, as we already found him. We'll be going with the RE who performed surgery on me and who works closely with my OB.
I don't have to figure out which hospital to give birth at anymore. This was a big question prior to this year, I couldn't decide to go to a new one that I loved or my old tried and true one that had problems in hospital, but now that's already been decided. I've seen the inside of the new one during my ectopic issues, where all the women spend their pregnancies going to, and I hated it. It was impersonal, big, and the wait time was insane. I didn't like the doctors there, and there was so many of them. You were a number instead of a face, you were issued in and out and it was all so wrong feeling. I now know that not only do I prefer my same OB, but also I'd use him anyway because he's in close relation to my RE and they both understand my medical situation fully. Plus, having been inside the "old" hospital this last month, I've found that it's actually getting much, much better. I actually preferred my stay in the old hospital than in the new.
We already decided how many eggs to transfer for each ET or FET. We already decided which risks we were okay with and which we weren't.
We have a timeline. We already know that Bill is switching jobs to find an insurance that will at least partially cover IVF and hopefully cover all the meds and surgery. We know that we want to do it before my 29th birthday, and we know that we want to move as soon as we can afterwards, hopefully by transfer from whatever job comes next.
Heck, we already have the names picked out, what themes to go with, what colors will represent each baby, etc. I know what I want to do with the nursery, and which baby items to buy new next time (as we're selling all of our baby stuff we currently have) and which items to skip.
It doesn't feel like we're planning for an unknown baby to come. It has felt like there are these children that are just waiting to come, I could feel them for the last two years. It feels like they already exist, that I can already sense them. They're not unknown to me, and they are already mine. The problem is, our connection has been severed. I feel like instead of wondering about the possibility of who's to come, I already know. I just need to create a bridge from me to them, and waiting to even start building that bridge is a little bit of torture each day.
Every detail is planned out. Every step is mapped. All there is to do is wait.
And as everyone knows, waiting is the hardest part.
The problem here is everything is already done. There is nothing more to plan. All of the questions have already been answered.
There's no question on what fertility treatment I would get and how to plan which one to do first, second, etc. The only one that would work is IVF, so we go straight to IVF.
We don't have to figure out which RE to go to, as we already found him. We'll be going with the RE who performed surgery on me and who works closely with my OB.
I don't have to figure out which hospital to give birth at anymore. This was a big question prior to this year, I couldn't decide to go to a new one that I loved or my old tried and true one that had problems in hospital, but now that's already been decided. I've seen the inside of the new one during my ectopic issues, where all the women spend their pregnancies going to, and I hated it. It was impersonal, big, and the wait time was insane. I didn't like the doctors there, and there was so many of them. You were a number instead of a face, you were issued in and out and it was all so wrong feeling. I now know that not only do I prefer my same OB, but also I'd use him anyway because he's in close relation to my RE and they both understand my medical situation fully. Plus, having been inside the "old" hospital this last month, I've found that it's actually getting much, much better. I actually preferred my stay in the old hospital than in the new.
We already decided how many eggs to transfer for each ET or FET. We already decided which risks we were okay with and which we weren't.
We have a timeline. We already know that Bill is switching jobs to find an insurance that will at least partially cover IVF and hopefully cover all the meds and surgery. We know that we want to do it before my 29th birthday, and we know that we want to move as soon as we can afterwards, hopefully by transfer from whatever job comes next.
Heck, we already have the names picked out, what themes to go with, what colors will represent each baby, etc. I know what I want to do with the nursery, and which baby items to buy new next time (as we're selling all of our baby stuff we currently have) and which items to skip.
It doesn't feel like we're planning for an unknown baby to come. It has felt like there are these children that are just waiting to come, I could feel them for the last two years. It feels like they already exist, that I can already sense them. They're not unknown to me, and they are already mine. The problem is, our connection has been severed. I feel like instead of wondering about the possibility of who's to come, I already know. I just need to create a bridge from me to them, and waiting to even start building that bridge is a little bit of torture each day.
Every detail is planned out. Every step is mapped. All there is to do is wait.
And as everyone knows, waiting is the hardest part.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
The Positives of Infertility
Nobody wants to think negative thoughts and be depressed all the time, and nobody wants a diagnosis that's 100% bad and depressing. It's hard, after finding out you have something that breaks your heart and shatters all your dreams, to find positives. But my life has always been about looking towards to brighter side of things, to make anything seem positive, to cling to a little bit of sunlight in the darkness.
So for weeks, I've been trying to come up with a list of "good" things about becoming infertile. It's a short list, especially for how long it took me to think it up, but at least it's something.
So for weeks, I've been trying to come up with a list of "good" things about becoming infertile. It's a short list, especially for how long it took me to think it up, but at least it's something.
- I never have to worry about birth control again. This is pretty handy, I guess. I didn't know how we were going to stop having babies, exactly. Birth control and I don't exactly mesh well together (I get very sick on it) and who wants to take birth control until they're fully through menopause? I definitely wasn't planning on getting my precious tube burned. Of course Bill wasn't running to the vasectomy doctor either, and I think he would have liked to keep our options of children open for as long as possible. So this settles that debate.
- I would never have chosen to take this much time off of having another child (obviously, as I had just been pregnant). I would have been having another baby in the late summer. Had my tube survived, I probably would have had a baby by the end of the year. Not having a baby this year, however, means that a lot has opened up to me. At Will's age, Katie had already become a big sister, so this is uncharted territory. The kids are at an age where I'm comfortable dropping them off with a family member for the day (or night) so Bill and I can have time to ourselves. Date Nights won't only just be crashing on the couch to watch a movie with some wine. We can actually go out and do things. I'm finally going to get my licence, which I haven't done yet because I hate driving with kids in the car when I'm not accustomed to the multiple cars we've had and I taking the test while thinking a baby was waiting for me screaming and crying was too much on my nerves. And vacations, though we still can't afford them, have become half the price of what I was planning now that there's only two kids instead of three. I would have felt a bit selfish to take so much time between kids off, as I have always wanted to keep the kids close and have great, close relationships, but since I'm in it anyway, there are definitely ways to have fun now that I'm not pregnant or prepping for a newborn.
- I never, ever have to worry about an accidental pregnancy again. Which is good now and for if the zombie apocolypse happens. Because unfortunately, I'd be like Lori and die from needing a c-section because my babies don't come out naturally. (Yes, I was having to grasp at straws at this point. Turns out infertility doesn't have that many good points to it. Who would have thought?!)
- TMI warning with this one - sex has gone to another level suddenly. Now there's never a worry about if this will make me pregnant, or there's never a worry that it won't make me pregnant. There's no stress in it at all now either way. Sex has gone from something fun to do along side making babies to just being a way to express our love and do it only because we love being with each other. I was so worried that there would be a lacking, now that it can not do what it was meant to do, but instead there's a magic in it. It's become more passionate, more personal, more intimate. There's now like an even deeper feeling to it, like another whole sense. That part truly is an amazing part of this. I wouldn't trade my baby making parts for it, but since I've had to, it's truly a blessing. It's gone from something we enjoyed doing often, to something we can't get enough of all the time.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Stages of Grief
We all know the stages of grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We're told about them, told to go through them, told to allow ourselves to feel them and if we do, it'll get better.
It's so much easier said than done, especially when I know how much I struggle at the one part: acceptance.
I definitely ace Denial. I went through that pretty hard for a few weeks. When denial faded (after many doctor talks, hospital stays and surgery), the anger came in full force. I did Anger very, very well. I was furious that I was in this situation.
For me, Bargaining did not come next, Depression did. Fiery anger can only stay for so long before it physically and emotionally drains you. The draining is what leads into Depression. The crying, the hopelessness, the feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I won't lie, I'm not completely through the depression. It's now Depression, with a side of fear, a drop of hope, and some Bargaining thrown in.
My Bargaining has been my IVF struggle. I keep thinking, okay, I'll accept this situation, I'll allow it to happen, if something can promise me that I'll get at least one more baby in return. I'll be infertile, I'll allow myself to never hope to be pregnant before AF comes and face that I'll never naturally conceive again, if you let me have successful IVF. I'll deal with no tubes if I get a baby or two. I'll go through the weeks of horrible drugs, fake hormones, hellish procedures, surgeries to remove eggs and having to have ultrasounds every other day if it means I get to have a successful baby (and while we're at it, maybe we'll throw the option of twins in there just for good measure, yeah? I mean, it is a lot for me to go through, twins would simply balance the scales a bit, wouldn't it?)
I don't know if I'll ever reach Acceptance, honestly. The only way I get through every day is thinking I'll still be able to have more babies somehow, at least one. I've struggled and struggled to try to accept only having two kids. I've been through all the logic and I've done my best to get my mind to change. I've tried looking at all the great reasons to have a family of only two kids. (Disney is SO much cheaper with only two kids! It's the perfect amount for vacations, you never need a mini van, we have enough bedrooms even if this small house for each kid to get their own, etc) I've done it all. My heart doesn't change. My brain still goes "but...but..."
I feel like if we don't get to do IVF, I would regret not trying forever. I feel like if it doesn't work, I'll forever grieve over that baby we've been waiting to join our family and didn't get to. I'll forever feel like that baby is still waiting, just waiting...
I truly wish I could accept having just Will and Katie. But my whole life, I've always felt like 4 kids was what it would take to make my heart feel complete, like my family was complete. How do I feel complete with only half of that number? I have amazing kids that I adore, which only makes me want more of them. I love being a Mommy. It's what I've always felt like I was meant to do, and since having kids, it felt even more like this is what I was made for. So why cut me off? It doesn't feel "right" in my heart. It feels like there's so much missing. Bill says he feels like there's still more babies waiting, he still wants more, he'd love to have another one or two...but if this is our fate, he can accept only having two kids. I envy that, because so far I can't say the same. I can't say those words. I can be grateful for my miracles, but I can't be grateful for all the loss I've endured. I can't accept that my days of making miracles are over, and that I'll never feel another baby kick from the inside, or have a pregnancy test turn positive. I can't face that. I can't accept it.
Acceptance doesn't come easy...and sometimes it doesn't come at all.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We're told about them, told to go through them, told to allow ourselves to feel them and if we do, it'll get better.
It's so much easier said than done, especially when I know how much I struggle at the one part: acceptance.
I definitely ace Denial. I went through that pretty hard for a few weeks. When denial faded (after many doctor talks, hospital stays and surgery), the anger came in full force. I did Anger very, very well. I was furious that I was in this situation.
For me, Bargaining did not come next, Depression did. Fiery anger can only stay for so long before it physically and emotionally drains you. The draining is what leads into Depression. The crying, the hopelessness, the feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
I won't lie, I'm not completely through the depression. It's now Depression, with a side of fear, a drop of hope, and some Bargaining thrown in.
My Bargaining has been my IVF struggle. I keep thinking, okay, I'll accept this situation, I'll allow it to happen, if something can promise me that I'll get at least one more baby in return. I'll be infertile, I'll allow myself to never hope to be pregnant before AF comes and face that I'll never naturally conceive again, if you let me have successful IVF. I'll deal with no tubes if I get a baby or two. I'll go through the weeks of horrible drugs, fake hormones, hellish procedures, surgeries to remove eggs and having to have ultrasounds every other day if it means I get to have a successful baby (and while we're at it, maybe we'll throw the option of twins in there just for good measure, yeah? I mean, it is a lot for me to go through, twins would simply balance the scales a bit, wouldn't it?)
I don't know if I'll ever reach Acceptance, honestly. The only way I get through every day is thinking I'll still be able to have more babies somehow, at least one. I've struggled and struggled to try to accept only having two kids. I've been through all the logic and I've done my best to get my mind to change. I've tried looking at all the great reasons to have a family of only two kids. (Disney is SO much cheaper with only two kids! It's the perfect amount for vacations, you never need a mini van, we have enough bedrooms even if this small house for each kid to get their own, etc) I've done it all. My heart doesn't change. My brain still goes "but...but..."
I feel like if we don't get to do IVF, I would regret not trying forever. I feel like if it doesn't work, I'll forever grieve over that baby we've been waiting to join our family and didn't get to. I'll forever feel like that baby is still waiting, just waiting...
I truly wish I could accept having just Will and Katie. But my whole life, I've always felt like 4 kids was what it would take to make my heart feel complete, like my family was complete. How do I feel complete with only half of that number? I have amazing kids that I adore, which only makes me want more of them. I love being a Mommy. It's what I've always felt like I was meant to do, and since having kids, it felt even more like this is what I was made for. So why cut me off? It doesn't feel "right" in my heart. It feels like there's so much missing. Bill says he feels like there's still more babies waiting, he still wants more, he'd love to have another one or two...but if this is our fate, he can accept only having two kids. I envy that, because so far I can't say the same. I can't say those words. I can be grateful for my miracles, but I can't be grateful for all the loss I've endured. I can't accept that my days of making miracles are over, and that I'll never feel another baby kick from the inside, or have a pregnancy test turn positive. I can't face that. I can't accept it.
Acceptance doesn't come easy...and sometimes it doesn't come at all.
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