Dreams are beginning to get quite difficult...and so vivid. I feel like day time me doesn't quite know how to handle everything going on inside of my heart, so it gets pushed down or grieved but only for a few minutes at a time before I have to make it stop. At nighttime though, it seems to leak out and fill my dreams.
The other night, I had a dream that Bill and I were on a getaway vacation. I met a young man that worked on the cruise line, he was about 20 years old. He had curly auburn hair, a pale German/Irish complexion, he was tall and had freckles on his cheeks, nose and arms. His name was Jamie (the name we originally picked out for our baby at first, before changing it to Jesse). Dream me instantly loved him. Dream me wanted to hug him tight and never let go. There was the biggest rush of maternal pride as soon as I saw him. He was the most helpful boy throughout our cruise, and I so adored him.
The fuzzy part is probably fuzzy for a reason, now. On the cruise, something bad happened. It was under attack of some sort, and Jamie stayed by our side, trying to get us to safety. I can't remember how, but Jamie died suddenly. I cradled him in my arms and rocked him as he passed. I sobbed over him and begged him to stay. I was forced to leave him behind, even though I felt like risking everything to stay just to hold him.
I woke up to Will crying, so I went and got him and cuddled him back to sleep, because I needed little baby cuddles after that dream. When I fell back to sleep, I dreamed that I was running a charity with my daughter's ballet teacher. It was a charity in the name of what had happened to Jamie, and I dedicated my everything to it. There was a little boy there with red hair, and I smiled sadly and told him how much I loved little redheads.
I woke up with a very heavy heart. It took me a little bit to be able to think over it and realize that it was about our baby. It wasn't the first dream of him I had. Just days after we lost the baby, I had a horrible dream that we were - yes, again! - on a cruise. We were holding and cuddling a newborn on the deck, and suddenly somehow the baby fell overboard. Bill tried to climb out to swim after the sinking baby, but the cruise had tall, unclimbable walls and a ceiling above, so even though the tiny baby somehow managed to fall out, we couldn't escape and get in the water in time.
The bursting in my heart was so great that it woke me in a panic. I woke up to being so overheated, it felt like I was in an oven under the blankets. Apparently my panic had made me create so much heat, something I never experienced before. But the dream was so real that it took me hours to fall back to sleep. It was so vivid, and the heartwrenching feeling of our baby being so suddenly torn from our arms and never to be seen again was so great.
I remember when we lost Elizabeth, there were such vivid dreams of her for months after. I still remember some of them like they were memories instead of dreams. A beautiful little toddler with curly brown hair and Bill's gorgeous light blue eyes, dressed in little boutique tea dresses or ballet tutus. I remember having dreams that consisted of nothing at all except holding a little newborn baby girl, just cradling her in my arms and rocking her to sleep.
No one understands the loss of a baby, how it effects your every day and night, until it happens. It's not about logic, it's not about being able to talk yourself out of grief. Your heart mourns, it cries, and whether you wish to allow it to or not, it'll show itself. Even if the only time it can is in your dreams. Vivid, realistic dreams that last in your mind for years.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
Post- Valentine's Weekend
Today is a rough day.
Valentine's Weekend was amazing. But today, on this dreary, cold Monday, I'm forced to remember that I'd be nearly 10 weeks along with Jesse right now. I remember that I had such an adorable Valentine's Day pregnancy announcement saved on my computer for the last few months, "just in case". I know that had things worked out, had the baby implanted safely in my uterus instead of my fallopian tube, just a few inches difference, we would have announced yesterday that our family was so full of love that it was expanding to include yet another little person. We would have announced that we were expecting a fresh little bundle of love on September 18th, 2016.
But there was no announcement made. There will be only grief and a heavy heart happening on September 18th. Our family still has love, but it's love from hearts that are still crushed and broken. Katie and Will have no idea that they almost had a new brother or sister, but it was taken away while they were on their "vacation" at their Aunt's house for two weeks.
Instead of announcing our new baby, I ordered a little statue of a sleeping baby wrapped in angel wings. Today I finished painting a little wooden cross with Jesse's name on it. Throughout the day, I keep chipping off little bits of wax from a candle that dripped on the only possession we have of Jesse's - my precious little elephant bear that Bill bought while I was in the hospital and still pregnant.
We've spent little bits of our holiday of love deciding how to honor our baby's memory. We picked and chose items that would be part of our tiny private ceremony for our tiny little baby. We've been trying to pick a date to do the ceremony on, where Jesse's things will join Elizabeth's. When our spot for one baby becomes our spot for two...half of our children.
Valentine's Weekend was amazing. But today, on this dreary, cold Monday, I'm forced to remember that I'd be nearly 10 weeks along with Jesse right now. I remember that I had such an adorable Valentine's Day pregnancy announcement saved on my computer for the last few months, "just in case". I know that had things worked out, had the baby implanted safely in my uterus instead of my fallopian tube, just a few inches difference, we would have announced yesterday that our family was so full of love that it was expanding to include yet another little person. We would have announced that we were expecting a fresh little bundle of love on September 18th, 2016.
But there was no announcement made. There will be only grief and a heavy heart happening on September 18th. Our family still has love, but it's love from hearts that are still crushed and broken. Katie and Will have no idea that they almost had a new brother or sister, but it was taken away while they were on their "vacation" at their Aunt's house for two weeks.
Instead of announcing our new baby, I ordered a little statue of a sleeping baby wrapped in angel wings. Today I finished painting a little wooden cross with Jesse's name on it. Throughout the day, I keep chipping off little bits of wax from a candle that dripped on the only possession we have of Jesse's - my precious little elephant bear that Bill bought while I was in the hospital and still pregnant.
We've spent little bits of our holiday of love deciding how to honor our baby's memory. We picked and chose items that would be part of our tiny private ceremony for our tiny little baby. We've been trying to pick a date to do the ceremony on, where Jesse's things will join Elizabeth's. When our spot for one baby becomes our spot for two...half of our children.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Rough Times
Our grief is not going well this time.
When we lost Elizabeth, we had so much support. We had light at the end of the tunnel. We were horribly sad and struggled but knew that one day, it wouldn't be quite as bad.
This time is different. This time the support isn't there. The understanding isn't there. No one really "gets" what we're going through. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no magic fix. To pursue more children that will help us feel more complete, we'll be financially struggling for years. No one grieves this baby we tried months for, fought in the hospital for, and lost. Elizabeth was understandable, but this one is not.
Logically, I can reason through our situation. I can try and separate myself from my emotions and tell my brain that at least we have two kids. Two kids we can give an even better life to if we don't have more. I can reason through how we were so lucky to have just them. I can see our situation from other points of view.
But my heart cries. My heart screams that this isn't fair. Yes we're lucky we had two after I had cancer, but having cancer is the first place wasn't lucky. It wasn't fair. I don't see any cancer survivors telling me to just feel lucky - only those who never been through it. I feel incomplete. I feel like the there's this child who's been waiting to come into our family, and now the links to that child has been severed. It doesn't mean that child went away. It doesn't mean that child is no longer biological. It doesn't mean that child is no longer there waiting. It definitely doesn't mean that we no longer want it.
Saying I'm lucky when I'm in such mourning is like a slap in the face. I've been through hell and back multiple times. My life has been a series of difficult, heartwrenching situations over and over again when most people don't even go through one of those situations. I've been through tumors, cancer, surgeries, possible infertility, miscarriages, ectopic, more surgeries, and now absolute infertility. Lucky? Shut up, I don't want to hear it. On most days, days before this happened and hopefully one day in the future, I'll agree. I'll say that while I've been given such a rough hand, I've been lucky to have lived through it all and had none of it kill me. But not right now. Right now I'm hurt. I'm broken on the inside.
I don't want to say I'm lucky, because I feel the opposite. Lucky are those people who don't have to give half of their children back. Lucky are those who get to choose their family size. Lucky are those who don't know half of the hospital staff in one department and know who the best and worst are. Lucky are those who don't ever hear the word cancer come from their doctor's mouth or who don't have the pictures of the ceiling of CT machines memorized. Lucky are those who don't have panic attacks in the middle of the night about some tiny problem that they fear is the end as ice cold fear runs through their veins. Lucky are those who's bellies are not littered in scars every one inch to remind them of what's been taken from them.
Too many want to minimize my situation to make it more comfortable and less sad. But I have been through every step of this, and I'm allowed to go through heavy grief. I'm allowed to be angry and refuse to say I'm lucky sometimes. I'm allowed to go against what every other person wants me to believe, because they haven't been through any of this themselves.
Nothing has ever completely broken me before. I think this might have. I know one day I'll get back up and learn how to rebuild. But right now, I'm broken. I think after everything I've survived through, I'm allowed to be broken. It's not that I want to be...it's that I don't feel like I have the strength to pretend that I'm not. I don't have enough in me to hold up a facade for other's comfort. I don't want to have added pressure to act a certain way, or be a certain way. Just allow me to be in my broken state and allow me some time. Don't pressure me into making this easier on people around me. I already have to put on a show of "happy mommy" for my kids each day. Don't make it worse by pushing me to be whole and happy again. It'll happen on it's own..one day.
You can't force healing.
When we lost Elizabeth, we had so much support. We had light at the end of the tunnel. We were horribly sad and struggled but knew that one day, it wouldn't be quite as bad.
This time is different. This time the support isn't there. The understanding isn't there. No one really "gets" what we're going through. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no magic fix. To pursue more children that will help us feel more complete, we'll be financially struggling for years. No one grieves this baby we tried months for, fought in the hospital for, and lost. Elizabeth was understandable, but this one is not.
Logically, I can reason through our situation. I can try and separate myself from my emotions and tell my brain that at least we have two kids. Two kids we can give an even better life to if we don't have more. I can reason through how we were so lucky to have just them. I can see our situation from other points of view.
But my heart cries. My heart screams that this isn't fair. Yes we're lucky we had two after I had cancer, but having cancer is the first place wasn't lucky. It wasn't fair. I don't see any cancer survivors telling me to just feel lucky - only those who never been through it. I feel incomplete. I feel like the there's this child who's been waiting to come into our family, and now the links to that child has been severed. It doesn't mean that child went away. It doesn't mean that child is no longer biological. It doesn't mean that child is no longer there waiting. It definitely doesn't mean that we no longer want it.
Saying I'm lucky when I'm in such mourning is like a slap in the face. I've been through hell and back multiple times. My life has been a series of difficult, heartwrenching situations over and over again when most people don't even go through one of those situations. I've been through tumors, cancer, surgeries, possible infertility, miscarriages, ectopic, more surgeries, and now absolute infertility. Lucky? Shut up, I don't want to hear it. On most days, days before this happened and hopefully one day in the future, I'll agree. I'll say that while I've been given such a rough hand, I've been lucky to have lived through it all and had none of it kill me. But not right now. Right now I'm hurt. I'm broken on the inside.
I don't want to say I'm lucky, because I feel the opposite. Lucky are those people who don't have to give half of their children back. Lucky are those who get to choose their family size. Lucky are those who don't know half of the hospital staff in one department and know who the best and worst are. Lucky are those who don't ever hear the word cancer come from their doctor's mouth or who don't have the pictures of the ceiling of CT machines memorized. Lucky are those who don't have panic attacks in the middle of the night about some tiny problem that they fear is the end as ice cold fear runs through their veins. Lucky are those who's bellies are not littered in scars every one inch to remind them of what's been taken from them.
Too many want to minimize my situation to make it more comfortable and less sad. But I have been through every step of this, and I'm allowed to go through heavy grief. I'm allowed to be angry and refuse to say I'm lucky sometimes. I'm allowed to go against what every other person wants me to believe, because they haven't been through any of this themselves.
Nothing has ever completely broken me before. I think this might have. I know one day I'll get back up and learn how to rebuild. But right now, I'm broken. I think after everything I've survived through, I'm allowed to be broken. It's not that I want to be...it's that I don't feel like I have the strength to pretend that I'm not. I don't have enough in me to hold up a facade for other's comfort. I don't want to have added pressure to act a certain way, or be a certain way. Just allow me to be in my broken state and allow me some time. Don't pressure me into making this easier on people around me. I already have to put on a show of "happy mommy" for my kids each day. Don't make it worse by pushing me to be whole and happy again. It'll happen on it's own..one day.
You can't force healing.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Job Insurances that cover some or all of IVF in Pennsylvania:
Uline, Inc., based out of Illinois, offers infertility coverage to all employees in all states. Employees must have 2 years of documented infertility. There is no dollar limit and you are allowed up to 4 IVF cycles for the first pregnancy, and 2 more for subsequent pregnancies, for a total of 90% coverage in-network, 70% out of network. Meds also covered.Uline's coverage is based on Illinois law but they extend it to employees who do not live in Illinois. (email 5-17-07)
United Parcel Service (UPS) (New York)
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna US Healthcare). As of January 1, 2003, will only cover 1 attempt per lifetime. Have to make sure you choose the hmo over the regular Aetna in order to get coverage. All meds covered 100% but must be from an authorized mail order pharmacy to be covered.
Source: Email submission 1/10/03 and 3/1/02
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna US Healthcare). As of January 1, 2003, will only cover 1 attempt per lifetime. Have to make sure you choose the hmo over the regular Aetna in order to get coverage. All meds covered 100% but must be from an authorized mail order pharmacy to be covered.
Source: Email submission 1/10/03 and 3/1/02
American Express
90% coverage with 15,000.00 lifetime maximum for IF benefits including IVF (United Healthcare PPO)
Source: Email submission 11/18/00
90% coverage with 15,000.00 lifetime maximum for IF benefits including IVF (United Healthcare PPO)
Source: Email submission 11/18/00
Bank of American covers up to 2 IVF (From email and posted 9-16-04)
CVS Pharmacy covers iui/ivf upto 10k lifetime max and 10klifetime max on fert meds. Source: Email submission 8-26-08
Chase Bank
All IF treatments are covered, including IVF (various for medical; Merck Medco for Rx); $25,000 lifetime benefit for IF (not including meds); $5,000 lifetime benefit for IF-specific meds; Adoption benefit of $10,000
Source: Email submission 3/8/03
All IF treatments are covered, including IVF (various for medical; Merck Medco for Rx); $25,000 lifetime benefit for IF (not including meds); $5,000 lifetime benefit for IF-specific meds; Adoption benefit of $10,000
Source: Email submission 3/8/03
Ford Motor Company : My IVF is being covered by Ford Motor Company. They cover 3 attempts.This is thru Humana KPPA (email 11-16-05
Frito Lay/Pepsi Co/Pepsi Bottling Group/Pepsi North America/ Quaker Food - LTM $25,000, covered: IVF, GIFT, ZIFT, IVC, Artifical Insemination, drugs, and dx testing 10-28-04
Source: Email submission 2/23/02
Source: Email submission 2/23/02
Independence Blue Cross (located in Philadelphia, PA)
All IF tx including IVF (100% coverage for 3 cycles); In addition all meds are covered with a $15.00 co pay through their Rx plan. Any employment with the company full time entitles you to benefits after the 1st of the month following employment date. Also, if you leave for any reason you are entitled to the SAME EXACT benefits through their COBRA plan. It is the best plan in PA.
All IF tx including IVF (100% coverage for 3 cycles); In addition all meds are covered with a $15.00 co pay through their Rx plan. Any employment with the company full time entitles you to benefits after the 1st of the month following employment date. Also, if you leave for any reason you are entitled to the SAME EXACT benefits through their COBRA plan. It is the best plan in PA.
Kinkos
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna); 6 cycles of IUI or AI. The PPO is 3 cycles of ART at 90% after 1,000.00 deductible. The EPO and HMO are 100% of 3 cycles and no deductible. There are 2 PPO's. The second is a 250.00 deductible and then 90% for ART.
All IF tx including IVF (Aetna); 6 cycles of IUI or AI. The PPO is 3 cycles of ART at 90% after 1,000.00 deductible. The EPO and HMO are 100% of 3 cycles and no deductible. There are 2 PPO's. The second is a 250.00 deductible and then 90% for ART.
Kraft Foods
All IF tx including IVF
All IF tx including IVF
Liberty Mutual Ins.
All IF tx including IVF
All IF tx including IVF
Proctor & Gamble (Ohio and possibly nationwide)
All IF tx including IVF (Various plans - infertility & adoption coverage is the same across all currently); For infertility, covers 80% of infertility services up to an annual maximum of $2500, 50% coverage on infertility drugs (no maximum). For adoptions, reimburses employees up to $5,000.00 per adoption for qualified expenses and up to $2,500.00 per child (50% of $5,000.00 benefit) for adoption fees. Up to a maximum of $15,000.00 will be paid under the Plan to any family during any 12-month period.
All IF tx including IVF (Various plans - infertility & adoption coverage is the same across all currently); For infertility, covers 80% of infertility services up to an annual maximum of $2500, 50% coverage on infertility drugs (no maximum). For adoptions, reimburses employees up to $5,000.00 per adoption for qualified expenses and up to $2,500.00 per child (50% of $5,000.00 benefit) for adoption fees. Up to a maximum of $15,000.00 will be paid under the Plan to any family during any 12-month period.
Time Warner and all sub-companies offer ivf 3xs, IUI 3xs, 100%
T Mobile: They offer 10K lifetime w/ 2,500.00 for meds. They cover infertility - including IVF, GIFT, ZIFT etc
Towers Perrin (Pennsylvania)
All IF tx including IVF (United Health Care); $10K per procedure/$20 lifetime. Towers Perrin has over 80 offices thru-out the country and multiple offices overseas. Please see www.towers.com for more inforamtion on office locations.
Source: Email submission 5/19/03
All IF tx including IVF (United Health Care); $10K per procedure/$20 lifetime. Towers Perrin has over 80 offices thru-out the country and multiple offices overseas. Please see www.towers.com for more inforamtion on office locations.
Source: Email submission 5/19/03
Verizon - Maine to WV (East Coast). $10,000 annual with a $20,000 lifetime cap. These figure includes any IF related procedures and meds
Xerox Corporation (All States)
All IF tx including IVF (BCBS, United, Aetna). Coverage is provided in all the states where Xerox is located. Coverage is limited to 3 IUI and 3 ART (IVF, GIFT, and/or ZIFT) attemps per lifetime per insurance; treatments and medications are covered 100% with regular co-payments of 10-15$$. After 1 insurance is used up, changing insurances will give you the fresh start!
All IF tx including IVF (BCBS, United, Aetna). Coverage is provided in all the states where Xerox is located. Coverage is limited to 3 IUI and 3 ART (IVF, GIFT, and/or ZIFT) attemps per lifetime per insurance; treatments and medications are covered 100% with regular co-payments of 10-15$$. After 1 insurance is used up, changing insurances will give you the fresh start!
Monday, February 1, 2016
On IVF making you become "ungrateful and selfish"
I'm completely shocked that so many people all have the same insensitive feeling: that secondary infertility is not a big deal and furthermore, wanting more children means you are ungrateful for what you have. I have been told that over and over, and it seriously stuns me.
I'm ungrateful for my children because I dare to want more? This is much more than just my story, so many women face this. But I find it easiest to break down when I'm being personal. So lets consider this:
2015 was the year we wanted to get pregnant again with our next child. The entire time we were ttc, I never once, NOT ONCE, was told that wanting to get pregnant meant I was ungrateful for the children I already had. It simply meant I wanted to expand my family. People were all on board, no one spoke against our decision. There were no negative comments and no one trying to have an opinion in how we conceived that baby.
Then in January, I have complications. I undergo a surgery that takes away the baby that was so wanted and the tube that has been responsible for my fertility for the last 8 years.
Suddenly, now that I can not naturally conceive, I am ungrateful for wanting more children.
I'm sorry to my fellow public, but that surgery only removed my precious angel and my fertility. It DID NOT remove my strong desire to have babies. It did not take out my want for a big family. Shockingly, it did not change my stance on anything at all. It simply removed a few items from my physical body. It didn't touch the thoughts and desires in my brain or my heart.
So why, in the process of just a three hour surgery, did everything change? Before getting surgery and therefore becoming infertile, I was never told wanting another child meant I was ungrateful or selfish. Not even once. I go to sleep for a few hours, wake up to my husband trying to tenderly tell me that the baby is gone and so is my fallopian tube, and suddenly the world is against me, telling me what I want is wrong.
What changed? I didn't. Why did everyone else?
Furthermore, why do people think it's suddenly okay, now that I have this fertility disability, to have an opinion on my personal decisions? True, I did announce what was happening and talked openly about where we hoped to go from here. I was truthful and honest with what was going on. I trusted those who I was telling (family and friends) to be understanding and kind. I reached out to people who might understand. And I get back that I shouldn't pursue having more kids, and in doing so, I'm ungrateful and I'm wrong in wanting to.
It's a slap in the face of my grief. It's a nasty realization on how the world works.
It's a fact that people are ignorant of what it's like to be in a situation when they have not experienced it themselves, but still pass judgement and have an opinion on the matter. We all do it in some way, about something. I can't understand why some people think vanilla ice cream is the best flavor. I do not impose upon them that they are wrong for thinking so and try to force feed them my own favorite.
A situation that relates closer to what's at hand, I never knew why people grieved so much for early miscarriages. I didn't get it. I didn't understand what it felt like to have such a strong connection, and then have that connection severed. I didn't know what it felt like to experience that hole, that loss. Now I do.
However, there have been many situations, including the one mentioned above, that I went years never understanding the full impact of. Yet the difference between me and the fleets of people out there is I never once tried to shove my unwanted opinion on anyone. I never once believed that I knew better and was more expert in the topic than the person that was actually living in that situation. I never had the audacity to be rude and tell them to not do something that would cause them healing and happiness when I had never been in the situation myself (Additionally, even if I had been in the situation, I've never once told someone how they should live their lives according to my own beliefs. If they asked for my opinion, I was always willing to give it, but I never offered it up against their wishes. I always felt that I should moreso lead by example than to forcibly attack others that go against my beliefs in their own personal lives.)
Being grateful for your children doesn't change whether you have the ability to naturally conceive or not. A naturally conceiving woman does not get questioned on her love of her children or how blessed she feels when she expresses the want for another baby. Yet someone who is grieving for babies who didn't stay, someone who can not have future children, someone who's very obviously already in such pain and turmoil, is called into question. Where is the justification in that? Truly, I'd love to know what people think when they say these things.
A woman who naturally conceived her child and then chooses to abort it has entire nations rallying behind her. She has rights, she has people cheering her on for making a choice about her body and what she feels is best for her. She goes in and ends a beating heart and there's so many that are on her side. So why is a woman who only wants to create a life so brought down just because she had outside help in conceiving that beloved child? Where are the nations rallying behind her? Where are the political sides patting her on the back? Instead, she is cast out and acted like she has committed something terrible by making a baby to raise in love and care.
Before telling someone that they should be grateful for what they have, make sure you've walked where they've walked, and been dragged through what they've been dragged through. Before you try to force your opinions on others, make sure you understand the day to day reality of their situation. Don't just try to imagine it, imagination does not stretch far enough when it's someone's everyday reality. Or, better yet, wait until they come to you for consult before attacking them or pushing upon them what you think. Allow them to ask for help and opinions before barging in and causing additional pain. Allow them to seek you, for if they're going to listen to you anyway, you must be a trusted and reliable ally. They'll come to you if you've been someone worthy of giving an opinion. If they don't come, your opinion wasn't wanted in the first place.
I'm ungrateful for my children because I dare to want more? This is much more than just my story, so many women face this. But I find it easiest to break down when I'm being personal. So lets consider this:
2015 was the year we wanted to get pregnant again with our next child. The entire time we were ttc, I never once, NOT ONCE, was told that wanting to get pregnant meant I was ungrateful for the children I already had. It simply meant I wanted to expand my family. People were all on board, no one spoke against our decision. There were no negative comments and no one trying to have an opinion in how we conceived that baby.
Then in January, I have complications. I undergo a surgery that takes away the baby that was so wanted and the tube that has been responsible for my fertility for the last 8 years.
Suddenly, now that I can not naturally conceive, I am ungrateful for wanting more children.
I'm sorry to my fellow public, but that surgery only removed my precious angel and my fertility. It DID NOT remove my strong desire to have babies. It did not take out my want for a big family. Shockingly, it did not change my stance on anything at all. It simply removed a few items from my physical body. It didn't touch the thoughts and desires in my brain or my heart.
So why, in the process of just a three hour surgery, did everything change? Before getting surgery and therefore becoming infertile, I was never told wanting another child meant I was ungrateful or selfish. Not even once. I go to sleep for a few hours, wake up to my husband trying to tenderly tell me that the baby is gone and so is my fallopian tube, and suddenly the world is against me, telling me what I want is wrong.
What changed? I didn't. Why did everyone else?
Furthermore, why do people think it's suddenly okay, now that I have this fertility disability, to have an opinion on my personal decisions? True, I did announce what was happening and talked openly about where we hoped to go from here. I was truthful and honest with what was going on. I trusted those who I was telling (family and friends) to be understanding and kind. I reached out to people who might understand. And I get back that I shouldn't pursue having more kids, and in doing so, I'm ungrateful and I'm wrong in wanting to.
It's a slap in the face of my grief. It's a nasty realization on how the world works.
It's a fact that people are ignorant of what it's like to be in a situation when they have not experienced it themselves, but still pass judgement and have an opinion on the matter. We all do it in some way, about something. I can't understand why some people think vanilla ice cream is the best flavor. I do not impose upon them that they are wrong for thinking so and try to force feed them my own favorite.
A situation that relates closer to what's at hand, I never knew why people grieved so much for early miscarriages. I didn't get it. I didn't understand what it felt like to have such a strong connection, and then have that connection severed. I didn't know what it felt like to experience that hole, that loss. Now I do.
However, there have been many situations, including the one mentioned above, that I went years never understanding the full impact of. Yet the difference between me and the fleets of people out there is I never once tried to shove my unwanted opinion on anyone. I never once believed that I knew better and was more expert in the topic than the person that was actually living in that situation. I never had the audacity to be rude and tell them to not do something that would cause them healing and happiness when I had never been in the situation myself (Additionally, even if I had been in the situation, I've never once told someone how they should live their lives according to my own beliefs. If they asked for my opinion, I was always willing to give it, but I never offered it up against their wishes. I always felt that I should moreso lead by example than to forcibly attack others that go against my beliefs in their own personal lives.)
Being grateful for your children doesn't change whether you have the ability to naturally conceive or not. A naturally conceiving woman does not get questioned on her love of her children or how blessed she feels when she expresses the want for another baby. Yet someone who is grieving for babies who didn't stay, someone who can not have future children, someone who's very obviously already in such pain and turmoil, is called into question. Where is the justification in that? Truly, I'd love to know what people think when they say these things.
A woman who naturally conceived her child and then chooses to abort it has entire nations rallying behind her. She has rights, she has people cheering her on for making a choice about her body and what she feels is best for her. She goes in and ends a beating heart and there's so many that are on her side. So why is a woman who only wants to create a life so brought down just because she had outside help in conceiving that beloved child? Where are the nations rallying behind her? Where are the political sides patting her on the back? Instead, she is cast out and acted like she has committed something terrible by making a baby to raise in love and care.
Before telling someone that they should be grateful for what they have, make sure you've walked where they've walked, and been dragged through what they've been dragged through. Before you try to force your opinions on others, make sure you understand the day to day reality of their situation. Don't just try to imagine it, imagination does not stretch far enough when it's someone's everyday reality. Or, better yet, wait until they come to you for consult before attacking them or pushing upon them what you think. Allow them to ask for help and opinions before barging in and causing additional pain. Allow them to seek you, for if they're going to listen to you anyway, you must be a trusted and reliable ally. They'll come to you if you've been someone worthy of giving an opinion. If they don't come, your opinion wasn't wanted in the first place.
The reason why "IVF takes God out of pregnancy" doesn't make sense
It seems as though most people who are against IVF are under misunderstandings of the procedures.
IVF does not make you pregnant. It doesn't take the conception out of God's hands any more than timing your cycles does. Yes, it gives you a fertilized egg in your body. But it just floats around in there after they put it in. IVF does not help with implanting the egg. It does not help with actually keeping the egg in there. It does not ever guarantee pregnancy. With a normal pregnancy when you time your cycles, many times you DO fertilize the egg. But that does not mean you'll get pregnant. A fertilized egg has to find it's way to the right place, has to implant on your lining. If it doesn't, you don't get pregnant and you get your period. A fertilized egg does not mean you're pregnant. It only helps sperm to meet egg for those who can't do it themselves.
Once you do get pregnant (if you do), IVF does not assist with keeping you pregnant. IVF's job is done. Staying pregnant is up to your body and God, just like any other pregnancy.
Oh, and guess what? Every article that is against IVF for religious purposes love to say that the eggs they don't implant in your cycle get washed down the sink. Um, nope! Those eggs are HARD to get. You need surgery to get them. Some eggs don't make it to fertilization. Those that do, some get implanted. The ones left over? They usually get frozen, because no one wants to put all their eggs in one basket and just assume they'll get pregnant on the first cycle. Those frozen eggs are then thawed the next month (and depending on how many you have) again the cycles after to try and get pregnant.
What if you get pregnant on your first try and you're done? What happens to those eggs then? Well, then you have the wonderful option of helping other infertile couples, which is the choice that I find the majority of people do. They donate the eggs they don't need to give hope to those who are also desperate to have babies, but don't have the ability to provide their own eggs or sperm.
Eggs getting washed down the sink? Doesn't really happen. Maybe if the couple is really insistent that they don't want any donations and don't want to use their eggs or save them for any reason, but hey, there's plenty of women out there that choose to get pregnant the normal way and then abort their babies. Why is the IVF person more at fault than the one who is able to get pregnant easily and then just kills her beating heart baby? Why should all IVF be ruled out simply because there are some that don't use their eggs? That's like saying all pregnancies should be banned because some choose abortion. It doesn't make sense.
The reason so many people say that it's against God to do IVF is because they say God's hand is taken out of it and the fertilized eggs are then killed, and both of those things are simply not true. God is still needed in getting pregnant with IVF just as much as a natural conception and the Christian women I see getting IVF done are not killing any of their eggs, but blessing others (or just using them, as most people don't seem to understand how many eggs it can take to get pregnant, how the ovary does not release a hundred eggs in a go around, how not all eggs collected mature enough to survive even getting fertilized, and those that are released aren't always healthy, mature eggs - just like when you ovulate naturally any month, sometimes those eggs are not healthy and mature!)
I have yet to see anyone who is well informed on how IVF works and all of the options available to IVF still argue that it's against God. On the contrary, those who are knowledgeable seem to think otherwise. I would at least respect arguments much more if they had at least the basic understanding represented here (and this only a brief summary of what there is to know before speaking out against it.)
IVF does not make you pregnant. It doesn't take the conception out of God's hands any more than timing your cycles does. Yes, it gives you a fertilized egg in your body. But it just floats around in there after they put it in. IVF does not help with implanting the egg. It does not help with actually keeping the egg in there. It does not ever guarantee pregnancy. With a normal pregnancy when you time your cycles, many times you DO fertilize the egg. But that does not mean you'll get pregnant. A fertilized egg has to find it's way to the right place, has to implant on your lining. If it doesn't, you don't get pregnant and you get your period. A fertilized egg does not mean you're pregnant. It only helps sperm to meet egg for those who can't do it themselves.
Once you do get pregnant (if you do), IVF does not assist with keeping you pregnant. IVF's job is done. Staying pregnant is up to your body and God, just like any other pregnancy.
Oh, and guess what? Every article that is against IVF for religious purposes love to say that the eggs they don't implant in your cycle get washed down the sink. Um, nope! Those eggs are HARD to get. You need surgery to get them. Some eggs don't make it to fertilization. Those that do, some get implanted. The ones left over? They usually get frozen, because no one wants to put all their eggs in one basket and just assume they'll get pregnant on the first cycle. Those frozen eggs are then thawed the next month (and depending on how many you have) again the cycles after to try and get pregnant.
What if you get pregnant on your first try and you're done? What happens to those eggs then? Well, then you have the wonderful option of helping other infertile couples, which is the choice that I find the majority of people do. They donate the eggs they don't need to give hope to those who are also desperate to have babies, but don't have the ability to provide their own eggs or sperm.
Eggs getting washed down the sink? Doesn't really happen. Maybe if the couple is really insistent that they don't want any donations and don't want to use their eggs or save them for any reason, but hey, there's plenty of women out there that choose to get pregnant the normal way and then abort their babies. Why is the IVF person more at fault than the one who is able to get pregnant easily and then just kills her beating heart baby? Why should all IVF be ruled out simply because there are some that don't use their eggs? That's like saying all pregnancies should be banned because some choose abortion. It doesn't make sense.
The reason so many people say that it's against God to do IVF is because they say God's hand is taken out of it and the fertilized eggs are then killed, and both of those things are simply not true. God is still needed in getting pregnant with IVF just as much as a natural conception and the Christian women I see getting IVF done are not killing any of their eggs, but blessing others (or just using them, as most people don't seem to understand how many eggs it can take to get pregnant, how the ovary does not release a hundred eggs in a go around, how not all eggs collected mature enough to survive even getting fertilized, and those that are released aren't always healthy, mature eggs - just like when you ovulate naturally any month, sometimes those eggs are not healthy and mature!)
I have yet to see anyone who is well informed on how IVF works and all of the options available to IVF still argue that it's against God. On the contrary, those who are knowledgeable seem to think otherwise. I would at least respect arguments much more if they had at least the basic understanding represented here (and this only a brief summary of what there is to know before speaking out against it.)
Getting more private about our plans
I'm pretty stunned by the feedback we've gotten lately by family and friends. We've been very open about how crushed and full of grief we are, and yet there are some who insist on still trying to make things difficult. It's really depressing, as if our situation wasn't depressing enough. We were open about wanting to do IVF, and that was apparently a mistake. So many people are trying to tell us it's a bad idea, or it's against God, or it's a waste of money. What right does anyone have to tell someone else about how they should conceive their very wanted baby? The audacity just stuns me. I can't imagine ever doing that. I've never had a problem with people doing IVF my entire life. It's not like I'm making allowances for us now that we're in it, it's not something I was ever against at all.
Those who are speaking out against us is just showing that we can't be open and we are totally alone in this. I won't be sharing our journey to IVF with anyone on our FB anymore. It's terrible that in such grief of losing a pregnancy and fertility, no one will give us any lee-way and instead are causing divides. I can't imagine ever going to someone in mourning and telling them that their only hope is horrible sinning or a horrible idea and telling them not to do it. We've made it clear that we won't be able to do IVF for a few years, so being so negative and mean right now is really not needed at all. There's a time and a place for everything if it must be done in the first place. I've never judged people for their decisions, or what they do in mourning. I've never once spoken out to someone to tell them their personal decisions are wrong or to try and include what I think, believe, and interperate into their private decisions.
Bill and I have prayed many hours of these weeks and feel strongly about what we're meant to do. It's not just personal want, it's true belief that this isn't wrong. Maybe that means we're in the wrong religion. There are things I've never quite agreed with, but didn't feel strongly enough to leave. But maybe this is a sign in it's own. It's something else we need to pray about. My belief in God has never once waivered, not through cancer or miscarriages or anything, and it won't in this. But my personal relationship to God doesn't always match up with what the church says it should. It's hard to find any religion that's perfectly cookie cutter shaped to fit in with exact beliefs. My beliefs have been shaped on my own outside of the church as well as in. I love the church, I love masses and I believe in about 95% of what the Catholic church preaches, but if that 5% of not agreeing makes me not a true Catholic, then maybe I'm not. I don't know.
I still feel like God is guiding our footsteps and showing us where to go next. I do not feel like we're leading ourselves. If that doesn't fit in with what other's perceptions are, than so be it. It'll cause a divide and distance and that will be upsetting, but I can't give up the chance at our future children and the path I feel we're being pulled to just for people's perceptions of what we should be doing. There's still plenty of time for our hearts to change, for our situation to change. IVF might not happen at all, who knows. But that will be our decision, not others, that will make that call.
Those who are speaking out against us is just showing that we can't be open and we are totally alone in this. I won't be sharing our journey to IVF with anyone on our FB anymore. It's terrible that in such grief of losing a pregnancy and fertility, no one will give us any lee-way and instead are causing divides. I can't imagine ever going to someone in mourning and telling them that their only hope is horrible sinning or a horrible idea and telling them not to do it. We've made it clear that we won't be able to do IVF for a few years, so being so negative and mean right now is really not needed at all. There's a time and a place for everything if it must be done in the first place. I've never judged people for their decisions, or what they do in mourning. I've never once spoken out to someone to tell them their personal decisions are wrong or to try and include what I think, believe, and interperate into their private decisions.
Bill and I have prayed many hours of these weeks and feel strongly about what we're meant to do. It's not just personal want, it's true belief that this isn't wrong. Maybe that means we're in the wrong religion. There are things I've never quite agreed with, but didn't feel strongly enough to leave. But maybe this is a sign in it's own. It's something else we need to pray about. My belief in God has never once waivered, not through cancer or miscarriages or anything, and it won't in this. But my personal relationship to God doesn't always match up with what the church says it should. It's hard to find any religion that's perfectly cookie cutter shaped to fit in with exact beliefs. My beliefs have been shaped on my own outside of the church as well as in. I love the church, I love masses and I believe in about 95% of what the Catholic church preaches, but if that 5% of not agreeing makes me not a true Catholic, then maybe I'm not. I don't know.
I still feel like God is guiding our footsteps and showing us where to go next. I do not feel like we're leading ourselves. If that doesn't fit in with what other's perceptions are, than so be it. It'll cause a divide and distance and that will be upsetting, but I can't give up the chance at our future children and the path I feel we're being pulled to just for people's perceptions of what we should be doing. There's still plenty of time for our hearts to change, for our situation to change. IVF might not happen at all, who knows. But that will be our decision, not others, that will make that call.
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