I never attempted to hide that 2016 was a very difficult year for me. It was hell. It was hard. So many bad things happened. I struggled with depression and anxiety. I was in the hospital multiple times for reoccurring difficulties. In short, 2016, from it's very first day, SUCKED.
I thought 2016 would be a fun year. I had a blast in 2015, and at the end we started TTC for our next baby. I figured we'd have our #3 to bring home before the end of the year, and I'd spend '16 happily pregnant and enjoying life.
Then New Year's came and shattered everything. I was miscarrying. I was also having an ectopic. I was becoming permanently infertile. I needed surgery. I wouldn't be having my baby this year or any other year. IVF was an option that sounded nice but was so far out of our ability that it's a tease.
But before I can start looking at 2017, I have to look at the other side of things. How much has changed in only one year's time!
At this time last year, I was looking at having 2-4 more kids. I was focused on how we'd decorate the nursery next and which middle name we'd give to our next child and the one after that. I was trying to navigate through homeschooling while taking pregnancy into account. I wanted to move down south, but didn't know how while still having kids and so much baby stuff to tote down.
Now it's almost 2017. Babies are a fantasy, not an expectation. I have three giant sales and now barely own any baby stuff. There's a few swings I have to put together and list for sale yet and one box of "just in case" baby things tucked away. We changed our bedroom and the nursery now that a crib wasn't going to reside in either place anymore. We changed our downstairs: the kids are big enough to play by themselves upstairs, so downstairs looks more like a real house instead of kid central.
But beyond that, so much happened that I didn't expect. I'm a business owner of 9 months. I'm about to file it as a legally recognized business, not just another Etsy store. I'm going to become an officially licensed vendor and attempt selling to real places locally like hospital gift shops. I made money this year that really helped us out and helped over a hundred people who are in a similar situation as me.
I became a writer again. Having babies forced me to take a 5 year hiatus. I didn't enjoy the time off, and getting to write again has been such a release. I'm tackling my publishing dreams that I've had for twenty years. I'm looking at publishers and agents and writing like crazy. I'm friends with people at my library and love visiting.
I also became part of my community. The library, the church, volunteer work. I've lived in this town since I was 11 and never felt part of it. This year, we became active in everything from holiday events to parades to volunteering.
It was a horrible year, but a year for change and not all of those changes were bad. Some were actually good and a long time coming. While 2017 still holds fears for me, I'm going into it optimistic again. I'm focusing on me and my current family, instead of always looking towards future maybes. I'm taking what I have and I'm running with it, taking it as far as I can. I'm making dreams come true.
2017 I'll be finding agents. Bill will have gone through enough school to get a new, good job. I'll be writing and attempting publishing and being a business woman going to business meetings at hospitals and anywhere else I can find. 2015 me won't even recognize 2017 me but maybe that won't be such a bad thing. It's different and it's not better, but it's okay.
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
December
Ended up in the hospital the day before Thanksgiving. Again. For the same problem - large rupturing cysts that cause horrible pain.
This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.
I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.
Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.
I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.
Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.
This Sunday, I'll be an infertile woman who still has to take birth control.
I'm hoping I won't develop terrible migraines this time and that I can actually take it. I can't keep ending up in the hospital every 4 months.
Everything has slowed this past month. I had to put a cap on the charity items, only currently selling my already made pieces, and I'm slowly getting through my older orders that are taking way longer to send out.
I finished Nano and completed a new manuscript. Working on a new book while I brainstorm a book featuring infertility that I plan to finally write next year (I came up with the idea when I was 22, funny enough. I had to stop it after I realized I didn't know enough about infertility. Ah life, you're such a joker.
Fingers crossed that January will be better, despite being my scariest month of all. This one will be the worst emotionally. I have three different dates for three different baby losses.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Hope for 2017
It seems like this year has been a series of constant anxiety attacks and living in fear. Just this last week, I was terrified because I had breathing problems, a tight chest, heartburn for days, exhaustion, and a two day period. I went to the doctor and was told it was most likely a viral infection that can show symptoms like mine. I went home convinced that it was something more, but luckily everything but the exhaustion (which could just be sick and anxiety caused) are fading.
It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.
It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.
Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.
I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.
I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.
It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.
It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.
Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.
I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.
I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Hope
I have a tiny hope.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
Monday, October 10, 2016
October musings
It's hard to believe it's already the middle of October. The last few months have just slipped away. The last ten months have been a jumble of confusion, of constant doors slamming and being completely unsure of each step in our path.
2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.
And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.
So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.
I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.
I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.
I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling. But I feel like I'm on the right track. I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.
Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.
2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.
And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.
So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.
I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.
I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.
I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling. But I feel like I'm on the right track. I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.
Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Into October
September was a crazy month. I was working on angel babies like crazy. It was a good month, I made over $100 more than my low goal amount was, but I had SO many angels to make. But my large order (of almost two dozen by itself!) went out yesterday, and at least 11 more were sent out already. Now I have to work on 8 more.
The business is making a difference in many ways. I love the letters, reviews and messages I get from parents telling me how perfect and comforting the babies are.
It's also helping financially. 50% of what I make goes into the charity and into the business. I don't get to see most of what comes in. But the other 50% is what is keeping us afloat.
I'm now the one that pays the bills for Katie's monthly ballet tuition, all of her dance clothing, her two recital fees, her costumes. I pay for all of their Christmas gifts and their birthday gifts and party. I pay for anything I personally need for business or writing. My small pleasures of Hulu and Netflix are paid by me. This is on top of saving up for my taxes that I have to pay, the large amounts of clay, shipping materials, and many other things that go into the business.
At the end of the day, I don't get to save any money. I'm still coasting by, but I'm not in any debt, which is great since it's only been a few months and my start up fee was a few hundred dollars. I repaid everything I needed to start up and then started paying bills. Without running this business, Katie wouldn't be able to continue ballet, we'd have no Christmas or birthday gifts and parties, we'd have no tv shows, including what we watch for school programs.
I'm so glad it's proving to be such a blessing, both for us and for those who are on the receiving end. I hope to continue growing the business, reaching more families, and for me to be able to take on more bills to lighten the load and make more dreams possible.
The business is making a difference in many ways. I love the letters, reviews and messages I get from parents telling me how perfect and comforting the babies are.
It's also helping financially. 50% of what I make goes into the charity and into the business. I don't get to see most of what comes in. But the other 50% is what is keeping us afloat.
I'm now the one that pays the bills for Katie's monthly ballet tuition, all of her dance clothing, her two recital fees, her costumes. I pay for all of their Christmas gifts and their birthday gifts and party. I pay for anything I personally need for business or writing. My small pleasures of Hulu and Netflix are paid by me. This is on top of saving up for my taxes that I have to pay, the large amounts of clay, shipping materials, and many other things that go into the business.
At the end of the day, I don't get to save any money. I'm still coasting by, but I'm not in any debt, which is great since it's only been a few months and my start up fee was a few hundred dollars. I repaid everything I needed to start up and then started paying bills. Without running this business, Katie wouldn't be able to continue ballet, we'd have no Christmas or birthday gifts and parties, we'd have no tv shows, including what we watch for school programs.
I'm so glad it's proving to be such a blessing, both for us and for those who are on the receiving end. I hope to continue growing the business, reaching more families, and for me to be able to take on more bills to lighten the load and make more dreams possible.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Due Date Pt 2
Today feels really weird. I'm going through the typical motions: decorate memorial spot, make cupcakes, light candles, etc. but I'm not responding like I expected I would. With Elizabeth, I cried for three days around her due date. It was so rough. I expected today would be at least that bad, possibly moreso with the fact that infertility and hopelessness seems built in to it.
I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.
Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.
This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.
All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.
I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.
Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.
This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.
All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.
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