It seems like this year has been a series of constant anxiety attacks and living in fear. Just this last week, I was terrified because I had breathing problems, a tight chest, heartburn for days, exhaustion, and a two day period. I went to the doctor and was told it was most likely a viral infection that can show symptoms like mine. I went home convinced that it was something more, but luckily everything but the exhaustion (which could just be sick and anxiety caused) are fading.
It's almost like this January made me absolutely convinced that something bad would happen and I was just waiting until that other shoe drops. Perhaps ever since I had cancer, I've almost been waiting to be told it came back. Which is silly, as my doctors said it was so rare to begin with, and they feel confident it won't come back. It wasn't even full fledged cancer to begin with - it was a weird tumor that had pre-cancer cells...cells that, over time, would have developed into cancer. Scary, but not scary enough for me to me so traumatized. I know cancer survivors who feel more confident in their health after long periods of chemo than I do. I feel like my body is just a time bomb waiting to go off, and I'm so riddled with anxiety that it's affected me in every way.
It's odd, but my current book is starting to shake me from that mentality. I'm writing a book about the underground of NYC (fictionalized, but based off of real places and people.) In research to it, I've been watching interviews of people who have lived homeless underground (you know, "mole people") for decades. No health check ups, no housing, no anything but a patch of dirt and the clothing on their backs. And you know what? They're not full of anxiety. They even look pretty damn healthy. They're not living wondering if they're dying, despite their extremes.
Then here I am, in a house with proper nutrition. Vitamins. Doctor check ups. I live a pretty cushy life...I shouldn't be thinking I'm a breeding ground for cancer cells. I shouldn't be so terrified of cell phones and laptops and sodas. I'm so scared that I'm going to die early that I'm starting to forget how to live. How to be blissful, like I used to be before 2016 happened to me. I'm so clouded up in fear that I can't see straight. I hate this year, I hate that my life is no longer so uplifting and fun. I've allowed my fears to drag me down and take control.
I told my husband last night that "I think the mole people are helping me with my anxiety" and he didn't stop laughing for like five minutes at the sentence. But he enjoyed that I am working through it. I'm praying to become healthier, both physically and mentally. I'm going to start working out again, eating even healthier, allowing myself to gain weight that used to bring fear to me before. I'm going to start feeling confident in my body again, instead of feeling like I'm weak and unhealthy. I'm going to change my mindset and my body. I won't allow cancer in. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to set up by body to live a long time.
I think the fear will always be there, but at least I'll have a good defense against it. I'll be able to fight back. And maybe, one day, the panic attacks will go away. The anxiety will fade. The fears that plague me daily will release. This is my hope for 2017.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Friday, October 14, 2016
Hope
I have a tiny hope.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
Or, at least, it began as a tiny hope. As much as I keep trying to push it down and not let it grow, it grows by the day. I feel my heart latching onto it, despite my brain sternly telling it not to. It won't listen, it needs something to hold onto still. It needs hope again, for the first time in months there's a little ember of hope.
Bill starts going back to school next month. He is doing an accelerated program, turning full semesters into only three month semesters. If he keeps up with the schedule, he'll be finished in July and ready to apply his degree to jobs in August. Finally, after months of searching, we found something that he can do while working and can speed up the process. It's online courses and labs that he can come in and do when he wants - the faster and longer he attends, the faster he graduates.
Once he graduates, he'll be able to walk into a job pretty easily, and there are dozens of places in the area that will be an option. At least one of those options completely covers IVF.
Which means, there is now a possibility that we could try IVF as early as the end of next year.
There's a lot of sacrifices we're making for Bill to go back to school, but it means better lives in the coming years. There's a chance that one of those better things may mean another baby.
It's been ten months since I was rendered infertile. Ten months that I prayed to not want more kids, to take the need from my heart. I have truly tried my very best to feel completed and happy with my little family. It would be so much easier, so less stressful, to just accept my infertility. But the acceptance has not come. It hasn't happened for Bill either. We both crave that baby we feel we know so well, the baby that's been in our hearts for years. Not not try that that baby feels like we're giving up prematurely and like we're not complete. I don't think our family will ever feel complete without that baby. I think my heart will be healed if I can have one last pregnancy, one last baby, one last infancy and toddlerhood, etc. That way it won't feel like my future has been stolen from me, my choices taken away, and my family being incomplete.
A tiny hope, but one that won't stop growing. It'll be a long wait to see if we'll have a chance at it, but it'll give us lots of time to pray over it as well.
We have been so absent of any hope so long. Everything in our lives felt like it was falling apart around us. But now there's such a pin sized light coming through the vast darkness, and I can't help but to chase it.
Monday, October 10, 2016
October musings
It's hard to believe it's already the middle of October. The last few months have just slipped away. The last ten months have been a jumble of confusion, of constant doors slamming and being completely unsure of each step in our path.
2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.
And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.
So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.
I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.
I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.
I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling. But I feel like I'm on the right track. I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.
Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.
2016 seemed hellbent on destroying me and for a while, it was winning. I was weak and heartbroken and could barely get through each day. It was full of tears and pain.
And then, not all at once but slowly, I began to pick myself up. I learned how to fight back. This year took away my most prized dreams and tore them apart in front of my eyes. It was a devastating loss that killed my spirit for a while. But then I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make all those other dreams come true. I've always been a dreamer, and those dreams have always helped me to adapt. I might not have full control of what happens in my life, but I have the ability to try everything I can.
So I figured out what I wanted most and decided to make it happen.
I researched and I worked until I had a business running that was working. I was pulling in some income, helping others, and feeling good about what I did. It's a very hard thing to do, making angels that represent such heartbreak that I am also going through, but it's a labor of love and act of service in the name of my angels, and the messages I receive tell me that what I'm doing is helping, comforting, and eases the pain for others.
I sat down at my computer and started to write again. Ever since I was eight years old, I wanted to be a published novelist. I had so many goals for myself, all of which I'm years behind on. It's beyond time to get some courage and make it start happening. I started writing novels again in March. That book is now being read by professional people in the publishing world. My next book that I started in May has just been submitted to publishers this morning. The book I started in August is going through its first revision so maybe, depending on how next month goes, I'll be able to submit it before the end of the year. I currently have a pencil, clipboard and a stack of 20 pages of notes by my laptop as I work on my next book. I am writing prolifically, constantly, and I've gained enough confidence to do the entire journey - writing, editing, rewriting, showing to betas, editing again, and then allowing my work to be judged by professionals. It's time. It's beyond time. I don't care how many rejection letters I get from here on out, at least I'm trying. I'm in this. I've entered the publishing world where my novels fight against all others to be the chosen one. I wish I had started sooner, but I'm thrilled that I'm at least here now. Who knows how much longer it would have taken me, had this year gone the way I wanted. While I would never rather this year to the one I wanted, hoped, and dreamed, at least something good can come from the ruins. My business and charity would never have existed either.
I don't know where life is going to take me from here. There's been so many twists and turns this year that I'm dizzy and reeling. But I feel like I'm on the right track. I have two things in my life that I work on every day and keeps my brain occupied that makes me feel good. That's an improvement.
Earlier this year I was desperate for control, to find a way to be strong and fight back, but I didn't even know what that meant. I had no idea how to start. Somehow, each tiny step I took just to survive the day was enough to build up a resistance and strength. I look back now and I can see myself slowly getting stronger. I'm still a weakling, fragile and hurt, but I'm at least standing now. I'm back on my feet, except those many times when I'm on my knees praying for healing and for our lives to get easier and better.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Into October
September was a crazy month. I was working on angel babies like crazy. It was a good month, I made over $100 more than my low goal amount was, but I had SO many angels to make. But my large order (of almost two dozen by itself!) went out yesterday, and at least 11 more were sent out already. Now I have to work on 8 more.
The business is making a difference in many ways. I love the letters, reviews and messages I get from parents telling me how perfect and comforting the babies are.
It's also helping financially. 50% of what I make goes into the charity and into the business. I don't get to see most of what comes in. But the other 50% is what is keeping us afloat.
I'm now the one that pays the bills for Katie's monthly ballet tuition, all of her dance clothing, her two recital fees, her costumes. I pay for all of their Christmas gifts and their birthday gifts and party. I pay for anything I personally need for business or writing. My small pleasures of Hulu and Netflix are paid by me. This is on top of saving up for my taxes that I have to pay, the large amounts of clay, shipping materials, and many other things that go into the business.
At the end of the day, I don't get to save any money. I'm still coasting by, but I'm not in any debt, which is great since it's only been a few months and my start up fee was a few hundred dollars. I repaid everything I needed to start up and then started paying bills. Without running this business, Katie wouldn't be able to continue ballet, we'd have no Christmas or birthday gifts and parties, we'd have no tv shows, including what we watch for school programs.
I'm so glad it's proving to be such a blessing, both for us and for those who are on the receiving end. I hope to continue growing the business, reaching more families, and for me to be able to take on more bills to lighten the load and make more dreams possible.
The business is making a difference in many ways. I love the letters, reviews and messages I get from parents telling me how perfect and comforting the babies are.
It's also helping financially. 50% of what I make goes into the charity and into the business. I don't get to see most of what comes in. But the other 50% is what is keeping us afloat.
I'm now the one that pays the bills for Katie's monthly ballet tuition, all of her dance clothing, her two recital fees, her costumes. I pay for all of their Christmas gifts and their birthday gifts and party. I pay for anything I personally need for business or writing. My small pleasures of Hulu and Netflix are paid by me. This is on top of saving up for my taxes that I have to pay, the large amounts of clay, shipping materials, and many other things that go into the business.
At the end of the day, I don't get to save any money. I'm still coasting by, but I'm not in any debt, which is great since it's only been a few months and my start up fee was a few hundred dollars. I repaid everything I needed to start up and then started paying bills. Without running this business, Katie wouldn't be able to continue ballet, we'd have no Christmas or birthday gifts and parties, we'd have no tv shows, including what we watch for school programs.
I'm so glad it's proving to be such a blessing, both for us and for those who are on the receiving end. I hope to continue growing the business, reaching more families, and for me to be able to take on more bills to lighten the load and make more dreams possible.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Due Date Pt 2
Today feels really weird. I'm going through the typical motions: decorate memorial spot, make cupcakes, light candles, etc. but I'm not responding like I expected I would. With Elizabeth, I cried for three days around her due date. It was so rough. I expected today would be at least that bad, possibly moreso with the fact that infertility and hopelessness seems built in to it.
I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.
Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.
This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.
All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.
I haven't cried. I feel sad, I feel like I'm still broken and wounded, but I'm not crying. I think perhaps it's because this time, I never really stopped heavily mourning. I cried for months without healing. I went through months of depression. I experienced everything so raw and for so long, that even though it's all still inside, it doesn't overwhelm and overflow.
Instead, it's more like an exhaustion, like my emotions are just tired. They can't seem to swell up and make me cry, because hasn't that been all I've done this year? Maybe that makes this day even more depressing. Or maybe I'm just so focused on getting things done, I haven't given myself a chance to cut my heart open and let it bleed tears.
This year has been so rough, it's beaten me down so often, that I've just come to expect rejection and negative responses. Could the answer be anything but no after dozens and dozens of tries? No matter what area of my life it is, it seems like everything is matched with a refusal.
All I know is one thing: I sure am tired, and not in a way a good night's sleep can fix.
Jesse and Jamie Due date
Today is the day I have dreaded since January 8th. Today was the due date with our twins, an inch or two was all the difference between two babies and none. From December 31st, we prayed that we'd get at least one healthy baby, but the ectopic baby had my hormone levels so insane and was messing up my progesterone, and I think it caused the baby in the right location to be lost as well.It's hard to face today, knowing that not only are our arms empty of two little newborns, but also missing all the future babies that we so welcomed and wanted.
This loss was so unique, to mourn such a sudden love and to lose it so quickly, and then to lose not only their future with us, but all the other children we've always dreamed of. It threw me into a few months of depression and anguish, and I still struggle with the grief and weight of it at times. Today is one of those days that makes the battle more difficult. Knowing that there is no rainbow baby on the horizon to help us heal like last time, it's even harder. This time we're facing the due date alone, still empty and heartbroken.
2016 has been so cruel to us, from the very first day. Not only have we lost our babies, but we've lost so much else. So many doors have closed, so many others remain locked. It's been like wandering a very long maze and every time we finally think we know the way out, it's another dead end. I pray that this year will finally cease it's endless disappointments and hardships and will finally start giving us blessings, no matter how small. I also pray that it becomes easier to come to terms with twin miscarriage and infertility, and the struggle may lessen in time. But for right now, I miss all three of our angels. Happy birthday, Jesse and Jamie, I hope your big sister Elizabeth can give you a hug for us.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Wake me up when September ends
It's September and things are still not looking up.
Bill is having a hard time figuring out what his next step is. We want him to go back to school to get him out of the factory work and start making good money, instead of money that's starting to not even cover our minimalist lifestyle. He was going to be an engineer, but the program he was banking on was filled and they aren't sure if it'll even be offered next year, so he can't wait for that. It also means permanently staying in the factory field (with that program, at least). Outside of that program, he has four years to put in of schooling, which is more than what we are looking for.
He decided to be an RN, and was excited to get back into the medical field. He belongs in the medical field, and would be in it now if it wasn't for us needing to start a family so early. However, we checked out five schools, none which work. They all want you to hold no other job for two years. The single one that says they'll allow it and also has second shift clinicals then said that he'd have to be at the clinical place by 3 PM and no later. That means he can't work first shift, since he finishes 45 minutes away at 3 exactly, and he can't work second shift, which starts at 1 PM. Clinicals are 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for 2 - 3 years. So it's looking like that won't work.
Now we're re-evaluating. We want a job that will pay $60,000 annually at least, has only 2-3 years education, and will work around a full time job while in school. I didn't think it would be this hard!
No more being an RN also means we lose that way to do IVF in two years, so it's an additional set back.
I'm praying that something comes up that's great for us, that tells us what we should be focusing on.
I'm also praying that my health stays well. I can't tell if I'm having gallbladder issues or ovary issues or perhaps just nasty muscle/ligment pains, but it's happened twice for days or weeks now. Last time it started mid-June and went until the end of July. This time it started a few days ago and is still here.
Statistically, you'd think that something has to start going right. With 9/10 things going badly this year, something has to start correcting the balance. This bad period needs to be the launching point into a wonderful period, right? Right?
Four days out from my twin due date. Definitely not looking forward to that. =/
Bill is having a hard time figuring out what his next step is. We want him to go back to school to get him out of the factory work and start making good money, instead of money that's starting to not even cover our minimalist lifestyle. He was going to be an engineer, but the program he was banking on was filled and they aren't sure if it'll even be offered next year, so he can't wait for that. It also means permanently staying in the factory field (with that program, at least). Outside of that program, he has four years to put in of schooling, which is more than what we are looking for.
He decided to be an RN, and was excited to get back into the medical field. He belongs in the medical field, and would be in it now if it wasn't for us needing to start a family so early. However, we checked out five schools, none which work. They all want you to hold no other job for two years. The single one that says they'll allow it and also has second shift clinicals then said that he'd have to be at the clinical place by 3 PM and no later. That means he can't work first shift, since he finishes 45 minutes away at 3 exactly, and he can't work second shift, which starts at 1 PM. Clinicals are 7 hours a day, 4 days a week for 2 - 3 years. So it's looking like that won't work.
Now we're re-evaluating. We want a job that will pay $60,000 annually at least, has only 2-3 years education, and will work around a full time job while in school. I didn't think it would be this hard!
No more being an RN also means we lose that way to do IVF in two years, so it's an additional set back.
I'm praying that something comes up that's great for us, that tells us what we should be focusing on.
I'm also praying that my health stays well. I can't tell if I'm having gallbladder issues or ovary issues or perhaps just nasty muscle/ligment pains, but it's happened twice for days or weeks now. Last time it started mid-June and went until the end of July. This time it started a few days ago and is still here.
Statistically, you'd think that something has to start going right. With 9/10 things going badly this year, something has to start correcting the balance. This bad period needs to be the launching point into a wonderful period, right? Right?
Four days out from my twin due date. Definitely not looking forward to that. =/
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