April 6th kinda sucked this year.
Other years, it was something to celebrate. The year we lost Elizabeth, April 6th was when we were surprised with our rainbow.
This year, it was a reminder that a rainbow isn't coming this time. It was a reminder that there is no baby to save us from our sorrows of loss. There's no happiness of a new beginning of life to focus on. It was a rocky day for me.
So once again, I look upon my blessings to get me through, especially the ones that pertain to this.
I'm blessed with someone who is completely like minded in how to handle this situation. Every step, every plan, every thought matches up. Every sorrow, every fear, every pain is the same as well. It's nice to know that there's someone right there, holding your hand, feeling the same pain and hopes for the future as you.
I'm blessed to have children already. I'm blessed that I had four brand new lives that were all ours that once lived in me, no matter for how long. I'm blessed to have a husband that tenderly kisses my belly or rests his hand over it and whispers that this is where his miracle children came from and how wonderful it is.
I'm blessed with two perfect and healthy kids. I have a lot of anxiety about them and their health, but so far it's all for naught. They are wonderful and healthy and growing wonderfully.
I'm blessed to know that my journey isn't over unless I choose it to be. Yes, it'll be harder to make another miracle happen. We'll need the help of outside sources, medicines, and doctors to make it happen. But it CAN happen. We CAN produce more children, I can have more pregnancies, we can have hope. That's a lot more than some women can say post cancer, post ectopics and miscarriages, and who are infertile. Our journey is over when we say it is. And yes, we may not get to do it because of finances, but there is still hope that we can find ways around that too. Hope is anything but dead.
Post miscarriage and fertility, we've been blessed with plans. Some plans have already shut their doors on us, but others have opened. There will need to be sacrifices, but we have chances to see dreams fulfilled that we never thought we would. We have options to take our lives in ways that didn't seem possible before. It's like a whole new world was revealed to us this year, and we're slowly getting courage to look at the window at it, to open the door and take a step or two out. There's so much to take in, we don't know which way to walk down first. We're a little overwhelmed with figuring out which direction is the right one and which one will lead us to what's most important. There's so many details, so many things we want, and it's a little hard to prioritize, especially when the things that are most important are the most unreachable and and the furthest away. What will get us there faster and smarter? What do we want to do before others are achieved?
Currently, a few of our plans are these:
Officially get my license. Not just driving with a permit. Get a license, and then work on getting a second car.
Both of us graduate college. Bill may get his for free, but he has a least two years to get his bachelors. I won't get mine for free, but I should only need one semester. However, that semester includes in person training for 6 months and most of our babysitters are moving away from us.
We want Bill to get a job that he can stay in. Right now he's been bouncing around from job to job in the same company. None of them are right, none of them fit. There have been jobs where he made really good money, but they were terrible on his body. He would come home with terrible burns, heat blisters, his elbows and back in pain, his fingers crushed and nearly taken off, cuts and scars and soaked in lead. He now has a safe job, but it barely pays the bills. There's no chance in us ever getting ahead. We have no emergency fund, no savings. We'll never be able to fulfill our dreams. And all the jobs in between were just more of the same. The only way, it seems, to get him a job he can make good money and isn't unsafe is with a bachelor's degree.
We want to move. We want out of this area, out of this state. But I have no idea where this fits in. It won't be this year. We originally wanted next year, but now we may stay in the area until he can get his degree and maybe for IVF if we're able to do that.
We obviously want to try IVF. But that's a long term, down the road thing. Obviously a few things have to happen first - we have to either be able to afford it, or have another job that covers it. We need to know where we're going to live during that time, if we'll still be in this area or if we want to move before then. There's a lot of stuff that has to happen that may lead up to this...or it may not. We have no idea yet if IVF will become available to us or not. It's part of the reason why we're taking steps, but we're taking them slowly. We want to move in the direction of IVF, but it's not something we can see yet, so we're unsure of which direction it's in. We're going off of hope, faith and feeling.
